Unhappy with my sex life... What should I do?

[SomeMight]

Well lets give the guy a chance to see if he likes what he is missing, before we totally throw in the towel!!!!

 

[Marquis]

Seriously, if kink is so important to you, why are you repeatedly setting yourself up for disappointment with regular guys?

Indeed, time to spring for the deluxe model!!!

Apparently they're readily available on the internets, in every imaginable variety and from around the world!!!


(you're like, 19, aren't you?)

 

[YourCaptor]

At one point or another I bet every sub thinks, "if only roid rage didn't come shrinkwrapped."

 

[Netzach]

Indeed, time to spring for the deluxe model!!!

Apparently they're readily available on the internets, in every imaginable variety and from around the world!!!


(you're like, 19, aren't you?)

She's totally right.

You cannot win a game you do not commit to playing. Yes those early conversations are embarrassing and vulnerable. The alternative sucks.

 

[Marquis]

She's totally right.

You cannot win a game you do not commit to playing. Yes those early conversations are embarrassing and vulnerable. The alternative sucks.

To which I will respond with the classic...

Don't hate the player, hate the game.



Exploring the depth of options available to you isn't always the answer. Sometimes it is, definitely. In this case it sounds like it is.

But I still think it's more important to be self-committed to what you want out of a relationship. If you're a sub, be a sub. From my time on Collarme and others, I can tell you there are no shortages of subs running through Doms like shit through a goose, searching for the white stag.

 

[human_male]

From my time on Collarme and others, I can tell you there are no shortages of subs running through Doms like shit through a goose, searching for the white stag.

Does that mean it's the sub who's ultimately the one who calls the shots?

 

[Marquis]

Does that mean it's the sub who's ultimately the one who calls the shots?

Yes.

As I've said many times prior, we are merely the designated drivers in their joy ride of fun and wonderment.

 

[JMohegan]

Does that mean it's the sub who's ultimately the one who calls the shots?

Read carefully what most self-identified subs write.

What they want is a virile, aggressive mate. Someone who will toss them around in the bedroom, tie them up and tease them, do naughty things to their bodies, provide them with earth-shattering orgasms. Pay them a whole hell of a lot of sexual attention.

There's nothing wrong with any of that, obviously. But it has zip to do with obedience or deference.

 

[Keroin]

Read carefully what most self-identified subs write.

What they want is a virile, aggressive mate. Someone who will toss them around in the bedroom, tie them up and tease them, do naughty things to their bodies, provide them with earth-shattering orgasms. Pay them a whole hell of a lot of sexual attention.

There's nothing wrong with any of that, obviously. But it has zip to do with obedience or deference.

Are you referring to what self-identified subs write in BDSM personals ads or just in general?

(I've never ventured into the online BDSM mating arena so I really have no idea how people advertise themselves.)

 

[JMohegan]

Are you referring to what self-identified subs write in BDSM personals ads or just in general?

(I've never ventured into the online BDSM mating arena so I really have no idea how people advertise themselves.)

No, not personals ads.

I was referring to what people write on this board.

 

[eastern sun]

I think a lot of people want security out of a long-term relationship. So they look for someone who is not going to threaten them.

Then, they discover that a certain degree of the unknown, and the accompanying excitement and risk that make us all feel "alive," are missing.

And threat starts looking more interesting.

But the kind of threat that still makes you feel secure.

Or a kind of security filled with threat we can trust.

It's easy to see how we can be confused as to what we really want.

 

[Keroin]

No, not personals ads.

I was referring to what people write on this board.

That's interesting. I don't think I've ever written anything along those lines but I could be wrong.

I've noticed lots of commonalities between subs that post on these boards but that wasn't one of them. I will be watching for that now.

Why do you think this is the case?

 

[JMohegan]

That's interesting. I don't think I've ever written anything along those lines but I could be wrong.

I've noticed lots of commonalities between subs that post on these boards but that wasn't one of them. I will be watching for that now.

Why do you think this is the case?

Do you ID as submissive? I didn't know that.

Read posts 1, 3, and 4 above. Those have nothing to do with obedience or deference, and everything to do with a stated desire for rougher, kinkier sex. Nothing to do with what the partner wants or needs, and everything to do with the desires of the self-identified "sub."

These posts are far from unique. People come here and write this stuff over and over and over. I'd say this thread was a classic.

I'm not arguing semantics here. I was responding to HM's post about who's really calling the shots, with a general (but not universal) observation.

I've never been to the website Marquis mentioned, but just the name makes me laugh. "Collar me." Think about that for a second.

 

[Marquis]

Collarme was a decent site at one point. There's nothing wrong with wanting to connect with others with like interests, but it's not a substitute for having your shit together, personally.

My honest to God thinking is that if you can't get a BDSM relationship to work with the options you have at your local spots, running to a kink depot isn't going to help.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Indeed, time to spring for the deluxe model!!!

Apparently they're readily available on the internets, in every imaginable variety and from around the world!!!


(you're like, 19, aren't you?)

Guys come in deluxe sizes? Why wasn't I told?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Does that mean it's the sub who's ultimately the one who calls the shots?

Depends on the sub. It has a lot to do with time and trust but many subs like to hang on to the aces and safewords.

As contractually owned property (and setting aside the fact that this is a personal and not a legally enforceable contract) I view Master's ownership of me as similar to owning a car. Those who have heard me bash this metaphor before now can talk among themselves.

A car has needs or limits but it doesn't have any control. You can rev the shit out of it till it's scrap but you're left without any wheels. Cars therefore need a degree of maintenance and to be handled with consideration because they;re a valuable asset. A car does not decide on a destination, a route, where and when it's refuelled, when stops and rests occur etc. A car is there to be used and it is property.

This is how I view my submission. Browse collarme and you'll see a lot of ads for 'do me' subs who are really bottoms. I guess if you haven't educated yourself about the lifestyle, it's easy for people to stick labels to themselves that others disagree about.

In nursing, an old mantra is; pain is whatever a patient says it is and exists when a patient says it does. It's such a personal and subjective thing that it's largely impossible to quantify. Submission is much the same.

 

[JMohegan]

Collarme was a decent site at one point.

I'd love to talk to the site's owner, just to find out whether the irony in the title was intentional or not.

 

[Marquis]

I'd love to talk to the site's owner, just to find out whether the irony in the title was intentional or not.

Now I feel stupid, am I missing something...

 

[JMohegan]

Now I feel stupid, am I missing something...

You're probably so used to seeing the name that the literal meaning doesn't register.

"Collar me" is a command.

In my world, I deliver the imperatives. Not the other way around.

 

[Marquis]

You're probably so used to seeing the name that the literal meaning doesn't register.

"Collar me" is a command.

In my world, I deliver the imperatives. Not the other way around.

Oh, come on Jmo!!!

Put it into context....


Dominant towers over submissive, bloody cane in hand, whispers menacingly, "now that you know what is required of you, are you still prepared to be my property?"

Trembling and bruised submissive bravely responds, "Collar me."


Yeah, it still doesn't quite sound right. I hear you.

Rolls off the tongue nicely though, collarme.

There is also the inherent irony of bitches on that site demanding collars though, which is what they do.

OK, I'm with you now.

 

[JMohegan]

Depends on the sub. It has a lot to do with time and trust but many subs like to hang on to the aces and safewords.

As contractually owned property (and setting aside the fact that this is a personal and not a legally enforceable contract) I view Master's ownership of me as similar to owning a car. Those who have heard me bash this metaphor before now can talk among themselves.

A car has needs or limits but it doesn't have any control. You can rev the shit out of it till it's scrap but you're left without any wheels. Cars therefore need a degree of maintenance and to be handled with consideration because they;re a valuable asset. A car does not decide on a destination, a route, where and when it's refuelled, when stops and rests occur etc. A car is there to be used and it is property.

This is how I view my submission. Browse collarme and you'll see a lot of ads for 'do me' subs who are really bottoms. I guess if you haven't educated yourself about the lifestyle, it's easy for people to stick labels to themselves that others disagree about.

In nursing, an old mantra is; pain is whatever a patient says it is and exists when a patient says it does. It's such a personal and subjective thing that it's largely impossible to quantify. Submission is much the same.

I am as turned off by the owned property, using of car, lifestyle thing as I am by the "do me" thing.

Women whom I've found appealing as mates are women with an intense desire to please. The capacity to choose, and the willingness to choose, pleasing me - just because it's me, the individual.

I don't give a fuck about the label.

 

[JMohegan]

Oh, come on Jmo!!!

Put it into context....


Dominant towers over submissive, bloody cane in hand, whispers menacingly, "now that you know what is required of you, are you still prepared to be my property?"

Trembling and bruised submissive bravely responds, "Collar me."


Yeah, it still doesn't quite sound right. I hear you.

Rolls off the tongue nicely though, collarme.

There is also the inherent irony of bitches on that site demanding collars though, which is what they do.

OK, I'm with you now.

Hahaha!

I've visited r/l clubs that were overrun by females demanding collars. It's not just an Internet thing, as you probably know.

This is why I'd love to meet the owner of the Collarme site. It's seems possible (if not probable!) that the irony was fully intended.

 

[human_male]

Depends on the sub. It has a lot to do with time and trust but many subs like to hang on to the aces and safewords.

As contractually owned property (and setting aside the fact that this is a personal and not a legally enforceable contract) I view Master's ownership of me as similar to owning a car. Those who have heard me bash this metaphor before now can talk among themselves.

A car has needs or limits but it doesn't have any control. You can rev the shit out of it till it's scrap but you're left without any wheels. Cars therefore need a degree of maintenance and to be handled with consideration because they;re a valuable asset. A car does not decide on a destination, a route, where and when it's refuelled, when stops and rests occur etc. A car is there to be used and it is property.

This is how I view my submission. Browse collarme and you'll see a lot of ads for 'do me' subs who are really bottoms. I guess if you haven't educated yourself about the lifestyle, it's easy for people to stick labels to themselves that others disagree about.

In nursing, an old mantra is; pain is whatever a patient says it is and exists when a patient says it does. It's such a personal and subjective thing that it's largely impossible to quantify. Submission is much the same.

Thanks for explaining for me (everyone). But with regards to your car metaphore, being owned like a piece of property or an object, am I correct in assuming if you weren't happy in the relationship that you would leave? And if your master said "Hold on a second, you can't leave, I own you." You would still leave. So as far as being "owned" it's really just a fantasy that goes only as far as you're happy. So in reality you call the shots as much as him. Would that be right?

I'm not trying to make any kind of point, I'm just curious and want to understand. That's why I read this board. It's fascinating.

 

[Marquis]

Hahaha!

I've visited r/l clubs that were overrun by females demanding collars. It's not just an Internet thing, as you probably know.

This is why I'd love to meet the owner of the Collarme site. It's seems possible (if not probable!) that the irony was fully intended.

You've been to fetish clubs?

For some reason I find the idea of this funny.

 

[Keroin]

Do you ID as submissive? I didn't know that.

Read posts 1, 3, and 4 above. Those have nothing to do with obedience or deference, and everything to do with a stated desire for rougher, kinkier sex. Nothing to do with what the partner wants or needs, and everything to do with the desires of the self-identified "sub."

These posts are far from unique. People come here and write this stuff over and over and over. I'd say this thread was a classic.

I'm not arguing semantics here. I was responding to HM's post about who's really calling the shots, with a general (but not universal) observation. No worries, I understood this. I was just curious.

I've never been to the website Marquis mentioned, but just the name makes me laugh. "Collar me." Think about that for a second.

Actually, most people are surprised that I am not in the PYL category. (A few members here, who have avs turned off, have thought that I was a man, LOL).

To be honest, I don’t identify as a submissive, though I use the term for ease of understanding in these forums. I’ve read through the multitude of definitions of the various roles in BDSM and I don’t identify with any of them. The best way I can explain it is simply to say that I am definitely not the one delivering the imperatives in this corner of my world.

I reread the posts you referred to and the thread you linked. Yes, I can certainly see what you’re talking about. The idea of demanding or expecting certain behavior from someone you’ve chosen to submit to strikes me as counter intuitive and a little self-sabotaging. By all means, discuss limits but then, within those, you do what you’re told. That, alone, is what brings pleasure, or so I believe. I could be way off base; I’m no expert.

Actions are secondary to the individual, for me. Does that make sense? I’m quite adept at delivering my own adrenaline rushes and I don’t consider rough sex a prerequisite for BDSM, though I guess there is that perception out there.

Also, I too find the irony of “collar me” hilarious. (I’ve never visited that site, either, I have no idea what goes on there).