Unhappy with my sex life... What should I do?

[JMohegan]

Well good for you. I fail to see why you're being quite so combative.

I think you meant to say: "I fail to see why you were being so combative in your post nearly one month ago."

Combative is your interpretation, not my intent.

Do you have any constructive comments or questions about what I actually wrote?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think you meant to say: "I fail to see why you were being so combative in your post nearly one month ago."

Combative is your interpretation, not my intent.

Do you have any constructive comments or questions about what I actually wrote?

Not really. It's all about strokes for folks and my label suits me because Master says it does.

I know it was nearly one month ago but I've had net connection issues and didn't get back to this thread before. You've been here long enough to know that anything you say on these boards can be bumped at any time from now till armageddon and used in evidence against you.

 

[algimore]

Back to original problem

Hello. My names Christine, I'm 21 years old and I'm from Melbourne Australia. I just joined because I wanted to start using the forum, but I've been reading Literotica for about 3 years.

I've been really intereasted in BDSM (me being a submissive) since... well, since I became intereasted in sex :S


Is there anything you can do to make someone intereasted in the lifestyle? or am I doomed to spend my days masturbating to fantasies? lol... Maybe I just need to find a new partner.

I agree with the others that have said you cannot make someone not interested in a lifestyle change thier minds. Albiet that over time they might change on thier own. Simply put when I was younger a woman I was dating could not stand the thought of light Spanking/Bondage. I recently ran into her at a fair and she was telling me that her husband/master can tie her up and hang her from a hook without leaving marks. SO is there anything that you can do to change your boyfriends mind? Depends on whether he is leaning towards the scene/lifestyle (I prefer lifestyle then scene. Scenes end a lifestyle continues without abruptly ending). If he is leaning that way maybe a few nudges would work otherwise I would say move on and make sure the man or maybe even woman (might happen either way) knows what you want and can provide it in a safe way.

 

[yourmissl]

So much to learn...

This thread has been a terrific source of information to someone who is just trying to figure things out. Let's put it like this: I had as much understanding of BDSM from reading erotica as I have of pig farming from reading "Charlotte's Web."

I've always had fantasies of force/reluctance/bondage/etc., in fact needed those fantasies to orgasm - either alone or with someone else. Even so, I didn't have a vaginal orgasm until I was almost 30... and my lover drew my hands above my head, holding me by the wrists with one hand. Blew my mind... as well. That man, I would have submitted anything to... and in fact did many "service/submissive" (though I had no clue of the terms) things for him that I would have/would still teeter frantically between hilarity and outrage with anyone else.

Fast forward over twenty years - and a marriage with no real sexual compatibility - and I picked up my first "erotic romance." I have to admit, submission looked titillating and quite enticing from the pages of a Maya Banks page turner. (BTW: Where do I find those three brothers in "Coulters' Woman?" ) Yup, it looked so perfect and easy - but my truth is that I have a formidable will - and while I think what I want is someone stronger willed, someone like that lover from so long ago that is confident and humorous and powerful enough to produce that same loving and trust and almost obsession to please... in reality at this point I have no bloody idea and my romantic ideas have splattered into tiny shards of ego-piercing pain after some pretty scary interludes with self-styled on-line Doms. (Not scary as in "I'm going to die" - scary as in "I had no idea I had such an endless capacity to make an absolute ass of myself.")

So, I have torn up the rosy, hazy expectations and tried to be as honest with myself as I claim to be with others. Here are the few things I feel I can honestly say about this journey:
a.) I like some kink and play sexually.
b.) I need to spend a lot of time just soaking in the knowledge and experience available on this board, and perhaps a few others, and move slowly, rather than hurtling myself into the midst of the English Channel in an attempt to learn how to swim.
c.) My journey and decisions are my own, therefore I must own the consequences, bad and good.
d.) Trust is an absolute and should form the basis of any relationship, but particularly one in the BDSM world; trust takes time and small steps, as well as some giant leaps, to build.

Thanks to everyone for their input and knowledge.

Cheers,
linds.

 

[algimore]

Recommending

This thread has been a terrific source of information to someone who is just trying to figure things out. Let's put it like this: I had as much understanding of BDSM from reading erotica as I have of pig farming from reading "Charlotte's Web."
........
So, I have torn up the rosy, hazy expectations and tried to be as honest with myself as I claim to be with others. Here are the few things I feel I can honestly say about this journey:
a.) I like some kink and play sexually.
b.) I need to spend a lot of time just soaking in the knowledge and experience available on this board, and perhaps a few others, and move slowly, rather than hurtling myself into the midst of the English Channel in an attempt to learn how to swim.
c.) My journey and decisions are my own, therefore I must own the consequences, bad and good.
d.) Trust is an absolute and should form the basis of any relationship, but particularly one in the BDSM world; trust takes time and small steps, as well as some giant leaps, to build.

Thanks to everyone for their input and knowledge.

Cheers,
linds.

Perfect, now you are ready to talk with others that are into the same thing as you and willing to listen to thier wisdom of living the lifestyle you are wanting. The only thing I do not agree with is jumping around from one website to another and getting information on BDSM. There are sites out there that are totally out there, I will not justify thier existance by naming them. several of the recommended sites I have found here in this forum (on the different threads) are useful. I would recommend picking a website and sticking to that one on a topic about lifestyle like this one, especially because sometimes on other sites I have been to they use terms that are exclusive to thier site. Mainly though I have gone to sites claiming to be BDSM discussion friendly only to find them talking about cutting people and burning them with cigars.......talk about extreme....and none of them knew what a safeword was, whay you needed one or why you would need to make one in the first place......scared the beejesus out of me to think that there are people out there into torturing and calling it bondage or submission, it was extreme sadism and masochism though.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I've been really intereasted in BDSM (me being a submissive) since... well, since I became intereasted in sex :S

Is there anything you can do to make someone intereasted in the lifestyle? or am I doomed to spend my days masturbating to fantasies? lol... Maybe I just need to find a new partner.

It's called sexual incompatibility and unless you plan on it for life, moving on is probably a good idea.

But - not - everyone -isn't - vanilla.

They have as much right to their missionary lying there mutualistic sex as I have to my freak show. Not everyone WILL convert. If there's NO sign of interest whatever, why assume one will suddenly cultivate just from wishing?

Also, if somebody's doing something solely to make their partner happy, in the long run, both of them will be miserable.

I don't know why people think their SO should morph into their previously unmentionable fantasy sex partner after a relationship and sexual repertoire has established and you're committed.

+1 to all of the above.

I've come to the conclusion that I would rather live the rest of my life alone and celibate than enter into another relationship with someone who is vanilla - or, indeed, with someone who is prepared to try kink 'just for me'. If you are kinked - and I am - then trying to make a relationship work with someone who isn't is a recipe for long term unhappiness on both parts; and trying to 'convert' someone who isn't naturally kinked is unkind and unfair, as well as being a losing game.

You only get one life, and so does your partner. Messing your own life up because you're afraid to confront your kink is your problem. Messing your partner's life up because you want him or her to be something that he or she is not is just unkind and unloving.

 

[Corylea]

I've come to the conclusion that I would rather live the rest of my life alone and celibate than enter into another relationship with someone who is vanilla - or, indeed, with someone who is prepared to try kink 'just for me'. If you are kinked - and I am - then trying to make a relationship work with someone who isn't is a recipe for long term unhappiness on both parts; and trying to 'convert' someone who isn't naturally kinked is unkind and unfair, as well as being a losing game.

You only get one life, and so does your partner. Messing your own life up because you're afraid to confront your kink is your problem. Messing your partner's life up because you want him or her to be something that he or she is not is just unkind and unloving.

While what you say is true as it stands, I think you're leaving out a territory known as the middle ground.

Kink is quite prevalent in my friendship network, so prevalent that it's assumed that a person is probably at least a little bit kinky (though there are so many different ways to play that two people can be off-the-charts kinky and still have zero overlap in the things they like to do). But having so many kinky people in my friendship network has revealed to me the existence of a type of person I hadn't known existed before: those people who never would have tried kink on their own but who enjoy it once exposed to it.

Most of my kinky friends feel that they don't have a choice: they are kinky, in the same way that they're tall or short; it's a built-into-the-bones sort of deal. But some of my friends are people who hung around enough people who MUST be kinky that they showed up at a play party, tried some things out, and discovered that a lot of this stuff can be fun.

None of these people that I think of as The Optionals are doing 24/7 D/S, but most of the people I know who absolutely, positively MUST be kinky (the Obligatories) aren't doing 24/7 D/S, either. None of the Optionals are playing at the level of "if we've drawn blood, we're only just getting started," but very few of the Obligatories are playing at that level, either. While the most extreme players I know are all Obligatories, most Obligatories aren't extreme players. At the less extreme level where most people play, there seems to be only one difference between the Obligatories and the Optionals: kink came hard-wired in the Obligatories, whereas it was discovered through social interaction in the Optionals.

Since the last I heard, you weren't a 24/7 guy, I don't think an Obligatory is the only sort of kinky person who could be satisfying for you; I think an Optional could interact with you just fine. I hear you that your most recent vanilla partner was not convertible, but just because she wasn't, it doesn't mean that no one is.

The thing that seems to work best, though, is for a proto-Optional to hear, "Hey, I'm having a lot of fun doing X; wanna try it out?" Hearing "this relationship is doomed unless you become enthusiastic about doing X" isn't effective. (Not saying that you, in particular, have done that.)

The problem, for those of us who are Obligatories (*raises hand*), is that we don't know if a person is a dyed-in-the-wool vanilla person or an Optional until we make the test.

Of course, I find that consensual polyamory helps lots. I have a partner who does ONLY bondage. I do nearly everything EXCEPT bondage. Luckily, he's not the only game in town. But he's kind, smart, funny, and thoroughly wonderful; I would never want to have to give him up. Polyamory makes sexual mismatches inconveniences rather than tragedies. That's not why I'm poly, of course, but I have to say that it's a hell of a side benefit!