Vanilla marriage-extramarital D/s relationships

[ecstaticsub]

Thanks for all your responses. I have been on another board where I was torn to bits for having an extramarital relationship even though my husband does approve and encourages it. According to them it would have been ok if he was allowed to watch and participate but thought that since he didn't want to then I was doing something wrong. Over the past few years and meeting so many people who have so many different kinds of relationships and marriages I would never judge the choices someone else makes.

 

[neonflux]

Thanks for all your responses. I have been on another board where I was torn to bits for having an extramarital relationship even though my husband does approve and encourages it. According to them it would have been ok if he was allowed to watch and participate but thought that since he didn't want to then I was doing something wrong.

I'm sorry, couldn't help it. I don't understand folks...

I am glad that you found support here.

Neon

 

[neonflux]

Ecstaticsub,

I am sorry I haven't posted until this evening - was not able to access Lit for several days (when I am with my SO, I don't have computer access unless I bring my laptop with me).

I am in a relationship with a man who is not "kinky" in the way that I am. We are deeply in love and have an open relationship. He knows about my adventures, and enjoys my stories. He also knows that I am bi and will eventually want to establish a serious relationship with a woman (who will definitely be kinky). He will not participate in that relationship, just as he won't participate in my BDSM relationships. At this point, for a number of reasons, I don't have any play partners with whom I am having sex, although he would not be adverse to that. He also has my consent to play with other women, although he has also not done so yet (we're in the early days).

I always let him know (unless it's the occasional very spur of the moment thing) about whenever I plan to have a session or go to a munch or play party ahead of time. And I'll usually share with him about it after. I think this sharing is crucial, because it takes away the mystery and I can use it to reassure him of how much I love him. I am lucky that he is comfortable with all that I do and am, even though he doesn't share all of my leanings.

We don't live together yet - I will be moving in with him at the end of July. I have no idea of how things will change at that point - how he'll handle it if I spend the night elsewhere, or come home very early in the morning. He has told me, and I am certain he will be fine with it at this point, but I also know that I cannot really predict his reaction, nor can he. I would never do anything to hurt him.

I only started seriously exploring BDSM a year ago, when he broke up with me to go back to an ex (this lasted for 3 months). During that time, I started seeing a man who was also switch and a newbie, like me. The relationship did involve sex. When ~D and I got back together, he knew that I was seeing this man. He never asked, and would never have asked that I stop seeing him, but I knew that it hurt ~D because he associated my play partner with "his fuck-up" and so my play partner and I stopped seeing each other sexually (we are still good friends). We have since talked about the situation, and I was correct.

One of the things I always do is to check in with him, to make sure he feels OK with what I share. I am also always respectful of our relationship with each other and always put him first.

I don't know that I could hide my activities, if he were not as open as he is. I understand discretion (and actually respect people who make that choice and stick to it), but I am not wired that way. So, were ~D not the man he is, I don't believe that I would be with him right now.

Neon

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm sorry, couldn't help it. I don't understand folks...

I am glad that you found support here.

Neon

Thank you, It's been a nice change.

Thanks for your response. I don't think I could ever hide anything from my spouse either. It's just not me, and also I'm a horrible liar! I think that if he wouldn't have allowed me to have my D/s relationship then I just wouldn't have started it. But both he and I have benefited by the way we have chosen to have our marriage.

I, too check in with my husband often to make sure he is still ok with things. This was especially true in the beginning. He has had concerns and he has come to me about those so we could totally work them out. I also told him when I knew I was in love with my Dom, that he become more than just a play partner. I found out that this was more difficult for me to admit outloud to him then for him to hear it. He actually said that it made him more accepting of the relationship. It made him feel that I was safer, that this guy wasn't just some nut wanting to abuse and use me for sex. He said he knew I loved him and would never leave him. His acceptance has allowed both the love I have for my husband and for my Dom to grow.

 

[neonflux]

Thank you, It's been a nice change.

Thanks for your response. I don't think I could ever hide anything from my spouse either. It's just not me, and also I'm a horrible liar! I think that if he wouldn't have allowed me to have my D/s relationship then I just wouldn't have started it. But both he and I have benefited by the way we have chosen to have our marriage.

I, too check in with my husband often to make sure he is still ok with things. This was especially true in the beginning. He has had concerns and he has come to me about those so we could totally work them out. I also told him when I knew I was in love with my Dom, that he become more than just a play partner. I found out that this was more difficult for me to admit outloud to him then for him to hear it. He actually said that it made him more accepting of the relationship. It made him feel that I was safer, that this guy wasn't just some nut wanting to abuse and use me for sex. He said he knew I loved him and would never leave him. His acceptance has allowed both the love I have for my husband and for my Dom to grow.

He (your husband) sounds exceptional

 

[will2power]

I think it's time you hear from a husband on this one. I'm sorry but you won't find my answer to your liking, and it is not meant to inflame any of you, but you need to hear this.

You're kidding yourselves if you think going outside of your marriage is going to help you within your marriage, especially if your partner is vanilla, and your relationship started that way. A lot of what I read seems to me more like commiseration and rationalization.

My wife is into this. In point of fact, we met because of our shared interest. Because of reasons that are personal--we no longer play together. (Her Choice) I will not go into the reasons behind it, because that is private. For the longest time, she kidded herself about this being good for "Us," which actually translated to good for "Her".

What you are missing, is that you took vows. You made a vow to your husband/wife to place them above all others. That's what marriage is-- You have declared to the world that you have placed this man or this woman above all others in your life. When you start going outside of your marriage, that is when you are saying "I didn't really mean it." This has nothing to do with D/s or BDSM. It has everything to do with Selfish indulgence, and blaming your lack of communication skills on your partner. Most of the time, I read that you tried, but let it drop because of the way they reacted. If you let it drop, then you have to accept the responsibility that it's your fault that you're not satisfied within your marriage. You chose not to communicate your true feelings with your spouse.

You chose to lie to your spouse, by omission. To us it's the same thing as lying by direct action. You kept this from them for months, perhaps years. In doing so, you turn your marriage into a state where one partner is deprived of any chance of ever making you happy, because you are not telling them what truly makes you happy. And you wonder why its a surprise the person is hurt when you finally come out and tell them on your way out the door...

I don't know you. I don't know your situation, and I don't know your husband or spouse. I don't need to know them because I know the human reaction to being in a game where the deck is stacked against you and you find it out only after you've been playing it for several years and have lost everything. As a man, I know the hurt of learning that the only reason she did things or said things was to placate you, instead of being truthful to you and helping you fix things together. There's no way you can rationalize your way out of that.

You cheapen the kind of relationship that you want, because you're carrying on in the dark like you're afraid your parents might come in. To everyone who comes to these boards, they get the impression that the lifestyle is about seeing what you can get away with, instead of choosing a different means of indulging in a relationship.

As a Dominant, I would be less apt to consider you worth my time because by your every action you prove that your loyalty is suspect. If you would be this secretive with your husband, the one you acknowledge openly as your chosen one, then what secrets are you keeping from me?

It is my personal belief, that married submissives are out of bounds. You can't be loyal to one and be loyal to another. And if you claim loyalty to one, you are infact disloyal to both. Because you cannot completely devote yourself to either.

 

[HottieMama]

and blaming your lack of communication skills on your partner. Most of the time, I read that you tried, but let it drop because of the way they reacted. If you let it drop, then you have to accept the responsibility that it's your fault that you're not satisfied within your marriage. You chose not to communicate your true feelings with your spouse.


You cheapen the kind of relationship that you want, because you're carrying on in the dark like you're afraid your parents might come in. To everyone who comes to these boards, they get the impression that the lifestyle is about seeing what you can get away with, instead of choosing a different means of indulging in a relationship.

As a Dominant, I would be less apt to consider you worth my time because by your every action you prove that your loyalty is suspect. If you would be this secretive with your husband, the one you acknowledge openly as your chosen one, then what secrets are you keeping from me?

It is my personal belief, that married submissives are out of bounds. You can't be loyal to one and be loyal to another. And if you claim loyalty to one, you are infact disloyal to both. Because you cannot completely devote yourself to either.

OH BOY! Where do i start with this one? In my situation, i have communicated my desires to my partner until i am blue in the face and all i am met with is "That's wrong." "That's abuse." "That's disgusting." "That's not what I want." So i ask you, when does my happiness trump what my partner wants? Especially when i have done everything within my power to communicate with her?

As for cheapening a D/s relationship, i never tell anyone that the way i do/have done things is the right way. It is simply the way things have to be for me at this moment. It is NOT about getting away with anything. It's finding a little bit of happiness where i can. i'm not trying to "get one over" on either my partner or my PYL...it just is what it is. For now it works, in the future...we shall see.

 

[neonflux]

I think it's time you hear from a husband on this one. I'm sorry but you won't find my answer to your liking, and it is not meant to inflame any of you, but you need to hear this.

You're kidding yourselves if you think going outside of your marriage is going to help you within your marriage, especially if your partner is vanilla, and your relationship started that way. A lot of what I read seems to me more like commiseration and rationalization.

My wife is into this. In point of fact, we met because of our shared interest. Because of reasons that are personal--we no longer play together. (Her Choice) I will not go into the reasons behind it, because that is private. For the longest time, she kidded herself about this being good for "Us," which actually translated to good for "Her".

What you are missing, is that you took vows. You made a vow to your husband/wife to place them above all others. That's what marriage is-- You have declared to the world that you have placed this man or this woman above all others in your life. When you start going outside of your marriage, that is when you are saying "I didn't really mean it." This has nothing to do with D/s or BDSM. It has everything to do with Selfish indulgence, and blaming your lack of communication skills on your partner. Most of the time, I read that you tried, but let it drop because of the way they reacted. If you let it drop, then you have to accept the responsibility that it's your fault that you're not satisfied within your marriage. You chose not to communicate your true feelings with your spouse.

You chose to lie to your spouse, by omission. To us it's the same thing as lying by direct action. You kept this from them for months, perhaps years. In doing so, you turn your marriage into a state where one partner is deprived of any chance of ever making you happy, because you are not telling them what truly makes you happy. And you wonder why its a surprise the person is hurt when you finally come out and tell them on your way out the door...

I don't know you. I don't know your situation, and I don't know your husband or spouse. I don't need to know them because I know the human reaction to being in a game where the deck is stacked against you and you find it out only after you've been playing it for several years and have lost everything. As a man, I know the hurt of learning that the only reason she did things or said things was to placate you, instead of being truthful to you and helping you fix things together. There's no way you can rationalize your way out of that.

You cheapen the kind of relationship that you want, because you're carrying on in the dark like you're afraid your parents might come in. To everyone who comes to these boards, they get the impression that the lifestyle is about seeing what you can get away with, instead of choosing a different means of indulging in a relationship.

As a Dominant, I would be less apt to consider you worth my time because by your every action you prove that your loyalty is suspect. If you would be this secretive with your husband, the one you acknowledge openly as your chosen one, then what secrets are you keeping from me?

It is my personal belief, that married submissives are out of bounds. You can't be loyal to one and be loyal to another. And if you claim loyalty to one, you are infact disloyal to both. Because you cannot completely devote yourself to either.

You are making tremendous assumptions here: 1) that most of us have "hidden" anything from our spouses or SO's; 2) that we are all female; 3) that we are all submissive (I am switch but primarily Dominant). Please, if you are going to make judgments, at least make them from an informed perspective and actually read the posts.

Just as I will not take issue with the value you place on monogamy for yourself, understand that not everyone, male or female, is wired in that way or values the same things that you do. Monogamy is not the best path for every couple and it is quite possible to incorporate an ethical polyamorous relationship into the vows one makes (either privately or through public ritual) to one's primary partner.

From what little I can glean from your post, it seems that you have been deeply wounded and betrayed. Your anger is certainly justified. Heaping it on others of whose circumstances you know so little is not. My heart very much goes out to you.

Neon

 

[HottieMama]

Added to that assumptions...you are also assuming that we are all heterosexual, and "married" to men. My partner is female, and a large part of our issue and difficulties is that i want a Dom and not a Domme. Perhaps it's part of being bisexual, perhaps it is just the two genders fill different roles for me.

 

[neonflux]

Added to that assumptions...you are also assuming that we are all heterosexual, and "married" to men. My partner is female, and a large part of our issue and difficulties is that i want a Dom and not a Domme. Perhaps it's part of being bisexual, perhaps it is just the two genders fill different roles for me.

OOPS! yes, definitely forgot this one! I am also bi, identify as queer, and pretty much smack-dab in the middle of the old Kinsey scale. I was monogamous in both of my last two long-term relationships - one with a man (7 years - he wasn't monogamous, btw), the second with a woman (amounted to 14 years). I decided when I started dating again, that in both cases, I'd cut off an important part of myself that ended up taking some toll on these relationships and that I would not do that again... Like you, men and women feed a different part of my soul - and not only sexually. As I mention in this previous post ~D knows, has known since the begining - he's actually very remarkable in that he understandswhat my bisexuality gives to him. From a sister Neon

 

[will2power]

I'm not making assumptions, seeing as how you're all lamenting the lack of participation for whatever reason from your "significant other". I did not take the time to write out each flavor of domestic partnership because it simply gets tedious to type. The only assumption made was that you get the gist of what I'm talking about without having to spell out each option.

And I'm not talking about monogamy versus polygamy. You put it out there that you're having troubles with your "domestic partner" for whatever reason, and then you expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon and say it's all right. If you were in a polygamous relationship to start, then there would be totally different things to deal with.

From what I read, the original poster is married. Am I not correct in this?

If I'm not, then please correct me, but as I read it.

I know I am not the only one who is in a vanilla marriage but has a extramarital D/s relationship.

So in the context of the original post, I am not making assumptions. Ecstaticsub was very clear in her post that she is married. And there is a very real chance that this will end up in divorce if she pursues it. You write words of encouragement, without acknowledging the consequences of them. I gave her something else to think about because in her case, it does apply, and she needs to hear the ugly side of it as well.

 

[HottieMama]

You put it out there that you're having troubles with your "domestic partner" for whatever reason, and then you expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon and say it's all right.

Shit...no, i don't expect everyone to say it all right and there are certainly those here that have told me that it is not.

However, my interest lies more in the answer to my question...When does your own personal happiness and needs trump the happiness and needs of your partner?

 

[will2power]

However, my interest lies more in the answer to my question...When does your own personal happiness and needs trump the happiness and needs of your partner?

I'm going to say something that I learned a long time ago from my Mother. In olden times and even today, when monumental decisions are made, you're going to have to "Count the Cost" of what you are deciding. You are not alone. Because of the choices you have already made, you are with someone else. Your happiness is important, because if you're not happy--then you owe it to yourself to be happy--but not at the cost of the person you are with. I'm saying that if you find the drive to do this is more important than your "signifigant other", then you should pursue it. But you owe it to the person you are with to end the relationship and allow them at least a chance at happiness with someone else, if they just cannot follow you where you choose to go.

 

[lostsavage]

I will also give a husbands perspective, though mine is a little different than W2Ps.

My wife and I have full fledged got in to the lifestyle about 5 months or so ago. I say full fledged because we have always had some kinks but did not really know of any way or place to go and get more info and ideas. It was also about this time last year my wife started to change her lifestyle health wise for the better. In doing this she has lost 60+ lbs and has much more self confidence which has given her the power to feel as beautiful and sexy as I have always seen her. This in turn allowed to to really examine our relationship. We have been together for 15+years and when we met we both knew we found the person we were meant to find. In the beginning of our relationship we were very vanilla/ traditional. We have had decent communication thru out and we never hid the fact that we each had very wandering eyes. We just left it at that. Look and don't touch.

Since her weight loss and change in self confidence, we started talking about opening up our relationship. I know I have posted that in the beginning of that the lines of communication were not the best and since they have improved a ton. They are not perfect, but very few things in life are. Since we both are smart educated individuals who have talked about our feelings and have laid our hands down we have come the realization of a few facts:
1. We love each other completely and unconditionally.
2. Even though we are deeply in love we both know that most animals in the world (and all we are in the grand scheme of things is nothing more than a slightly smarted monkey) are not monogamous. Life is a buffet and is way too short to only eat from one tray your whole life.
3. We have been together long enough to know that no matter how hard we try we will never be everything to each other. If something is not working right and your partner is not able to fix it you outsource it to some one who can. I can change the oil and do basic car repair but when the transmission blows up I take to a mechanic who can fix it. Same thing goes in the bedroom.
4. Sex and love are mutually exclusive to each other. We have all had sex when we were not in love with the other person and it felt pretty damn good (whether you admit it or not you all know I am right) There are times when we "make love" and it is wonderful. But then there are also times when we flog each other and fuck the other person like an animal. They both fill needs and both feel great in their own rights.


To call to question W2P's post about marriage and vows being for life and that puts the other person above all else. That is a great thought, too bad that is never always the case. Marriage was in the beginning of time a business decision. Love had very little to nothing to do with it. In those times people cheated as much or more than they do now. Only in very recent history has marriage become an emotional decision. in western culture. And I think the 50+% divorce rate in this country say a lot about how that works out.

My wife and I are happier now than we have ever been. We talks bout any plans we make with other parties. The other party knows that we are not going to leave our spouse. Some of these will just be unadulterated sex, other will be relationships that last some time. But at the end of the night (most of the time at least ) we will be in bed with each other.


The biggest thing that is a barrier to most and has allowed us to get where we are is complete, open and honest communication.

Lost

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm not making assumptions, seeing as how you're all lamenting the lack of participation for whatever reason from your "significant other". I did not take the time to write out each flavor of domestic partnership because it simply gets tedious to type. The only assumption made was that you get the gist of what I'm talking about without having to spell out each option.

And I'm not talking about monogamy versus polygamy. You put it out there that you're having troubles with your "domestic partner" for whatever reason, and then you expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon and say it's all right. If you were in a polygamous relationship to start, then there would be totally different things to deal with.

From what I read, the original poster is married. Am I not correct in this?

If I'm not, then please correct me, but as I read it.



So in the context of the original post, I am not making assumptions. Ecstaticsub was very clear in her post that she is married. And there is a very real chance that this will end up in divorce if she pursues it. You write words of encouragement, without acknowledging the consequences of them. I gave her something else to think about because in her case, it does apply, and she needs to hear the ugly side of it as well.

I don't think you read my original post very well. I am very happily married. There has never been any real problems within the marriage. The challenges as I mentioned were due to his frequent deployments and moves and the pressures of raising children. It is the usual challenges. No marriage or partnership lasts for 25 years without some arguments or valleys. I have had other extramaritial relationships because I was indulging HIS kink of wifesharing. (though I won't deny that I enjoyed it also)

I have never lied or kept anything from either my husband or my Dom. They both know everything that is going on with the other person including emotions. Every D/s relationship is different. We have one hard and fast limit--Family First. (well, that and condoms always) We would never do anything ever to interfer with our families.

I somewhat see your point about loyalties. How can I put both my husband and my Dom first? It is a balancing act. One that is possible with honest, open communication. I love them both. I have not had any problems as of yet with any conflicts between what my husband needs and what my Dom demands. If any conflicts do come up it is my job to make sure I can resolve them so that they both get what they want and need.

My D/s relationship has enhanced my marriage. The many ways it has done this are somewhat personal but I look around at so many of my friends who are in their mid-40's now. So many of them could care less about sex. I used to be on a wifesharing site where the men constantly complained about their 40 ish wives not being interested in sex. My husband never has to complain about that. My D/s relationship has made me more sexually aware and more self confident. My husband loves this.

As long as I am always honest and my husband is always honest about how he feels then I don't see us ever having problems because of this.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I will also give a husbands perspective, though mine is a little different than W2Ps.

My wife and I have full fledged got in to the lifestyle about 5 months or so ago. I say full fledged because we have always had some kinks but did not really know of any way or place to go and get more info and ideas. It was also about this time last year my wife started to change her lifestyle health wise for the better. In doing this she has lost 60+ lbs and has much more self confidence which has given her the power to feel as beautiful and sexy as I have always seen her. This in turn allowed to to really examine our relationship. We have been together for 15+years and when we met we both knew we found the person we were meant to find. In the beginning of our relationship we were very vanilla/ traditional. We have had decent communication thru out and we never hid the fact that we each had very wandering eyes. We just left it at that. Look and don't touch.

Since her weight loss and change in self confidence, we started talking about opening up our relationship. I know I have posted that in the beginning of that the lines of communication were not the best and since they have improved a ton. They are not perfect, but very few things in life are. Since we both are smart educated individuals who have talked about our feelings and have laid our hands down we have come the realization of a few facts:
1. We love each other completely and unconditionally.
2. Even though we are deeply in love we both know that most animals in the world (and all we are in the grand scheme of things is nothing more than a slightly smarted monkey) are not monogamous. Life is a buffet and is way too short to only eat from one tray your whole life.
3. We have been together long enough to know that no matter how hard we try we will never be everything to each other. If something is not working right and your partner is not able to fix it you outsource it to some one who can. I can change the oil and do basic car repair but when the transmission blows up I take to a mechanic who can fix it. Same thing goes in the bedroom.
4. Sex and love are mutually exclusive to each other. We have all had sex when we were not in love with the other person and it felt pretty damn good (whether you admit it or not you all know I am right) There are times when we "make love" and it is wonderful. But then there are also times when we flog each other and fuck the other person like an animal. They both fill needs and both feel great in their own rights.


To call to question W2P's post about marriage and vows being for life and that puts the other person above all else. That is a great thought, too bad that is never always the case. Marriage was in the beginning of time a business decision. Love had very little to nothing to do with it. In those times people cheated as much or more than they do now. Only in very recent history has marriage become an emotional decision. in western culture. And I think the 50+% divorce rate in this country say a lot about how that works out.

My wife and I are happier now than we have ever been. We talks bout any plans we make with other parties. The other party knows that we are not going to leave our spouse. Some of these will just be unadulterated sex, other will be relationships that last some time. But at the end of the night (most of the time at least ) we will be in bed with each other.


The biggest thing that is a barrier to most and has allowed us to get where we are is complete, open and honest communication.

Lost

Thank you for your response. You made some excellent points that sound very familiar to my own situation.

 

[UNDERTAKER01]

Wifesharing/ Wife swapping

I have been able to talk the last 3 women i was in long term relationships with to completely submit and enjoy wife swapping and even sharing my woman with my close friends which really is one hell of a turn on for me. Just have fun with whatever you do and to hell with what other people say or think you just have to make you happy right?

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have been able to talk the last 3 women i was in long term relationships with to completely submit and enjoy wife swapping and even sharing my woman with my close friends which really is one hell of a turn on for me. Just have fun with whatever you do and to hell with what other people say or think you just have to make you happy right?

Me and the men I love. <<smiles>> Thanks BTW,my husband really didn't have to talk me into it. It sort of just came about as our relationship grew and we discussed it as we went along.

 

[SweetErika]

My wife is into this. In point of fact, we met because of our shared interest. Because of reasons that are personal--we no longer play together. (Her Choice) I will not go into the reasons behind it, because that is private. For the longest time, she kidded herself about this being good for "Us," which actually translated to good for "Her".

I'm confused - did you meet due to your shared interests in BDSM, and were D/s for years, then she decided it wasn't for her? Or, did you meet because of a shared interest in some kind of nonmonogamy, then she decided she wanted to "play" separately? Or something else?

Without going into the private reasons, could you clarify so we understand your history/position better?

What you are missing, is that you took vows. You made a vow to your husband/wife to place them above all others. That's what marriage is-- You have declared to the world that you have placed this man or this woman above all others in your life. When you start going outside of your marriage, that is when you are saying "I didn't really mean it."

Are you talkin' to me?

I'll have to assume you're not, because in spite of your assertion that you "don't need to know any of them [us or our spouses]," this isn't applicable to my marriage. Our vows boil down to 'traveling through life hand-in-hand, loving, respecting and taking care of each other.' We've found we can put each other first, while practicing responsible nonmonogamy - other love(r)s are no different than other friends or family members in that regard.

There's no lack of communication here, either. If there were, we wouldn't be happily married with the option to be nonmonogamous.

You chose to lie to your spouse, by omission. To us it's the same thing as lying by direct action. You kept this from them for months, perhaps years. In doing so, you turn your marriage into a state where one partner is deprived of any chance of ever making you happy, because you are not telling them what truly makes you happy. And you wonder why its a surprise the person is hurt when you finally come out and tell them on your way out the door...

Nope, not applicable, either.

We have, and will, choose to be open to finding and learning about ourselves. We recognize that people grow, and it often takes them time to recognize and share pieces of themselves, even with their primary partners, for a variety of reasons. All we can do is create a good environment for sharing and development, and trust in our history of respecting change and working things out.

You cheapen the kind of relationship that you want, because you're carrying on in the dark like you're afraid your parents might come in.

I actually have my relationships out in the open, and I think that's the case with many others, too. In mine, there's a measure of privacy, but we don't keep secrets about what's happening in outside relationships. We operate on an "ask if you truly want to know, and I'll answer honestly" basis when it comes to being intimate with others, and it works very well for us.

It is my personal belief, that married submissives are out of bounds. You can't be loyal to one and be loyal to another. And if you claim loyalty to one, you are infact disloyal to both. Because you cannot completely devote yourself to either.

Yet you suggested it was okay for a couple to seek out one dominant for both of them in this post. Having a healthy D/s relationship of any form requires loyalty, and so does an LTR. It seems to me people can be loyal (which isn't the same as fully committed) to more than one at the same time in that very situation. I'm certainly loyal to my husband and others I love simulataneously; the only difference is that I'm loyal to myself and him first because he's in my "primary partner" slot.

Your basic failings overall are that you're over-generalizing and judging everyone based on your rather narrow beliefs. It's fine to say you have a different opinion based on your experiences, but to assert that everyone who has an open relationship will have the same problems isn't anywhere near logical. It sounds like ecstaticsub's husband is a happy camper overall, and I know mine is too - there can be a lot of benefits for them, and happy spouses generally make for a much happier marriage.

 

[BiBunny]

Grumpy Bunny Post Warning!

If two fully informed and totally consenting adults want to play with others/fuck others/hold all-night strip poker games at their house, then it's none of your goddamned business.

Just sayin'.

 

[wenchhh]

I'm with Bunny. Was gonna say something equally as direct, if not profound, such as "shut the hell up and go away with your self righteous self".... but didn't think that would be very nice, and I've not developed a "grumpy Wenchhh" warning yet. Yeah yeah yeah, this is America, freedom of speech and all that. ok, we've heard what you had to say. Thanks for your input, now go away. Just MY opinion.

Grumpy Bunny Post Warning!

If two fully informed and totally consenting adults want to play with others/fuck others/hold all-night strip poker games at their house, then it's none of your goddamned business.

Just sayin'.

 

[Alt]

Yeah yeah yeah, this is America, freedom of speech and all that. ok, we've heard what you had to say. Thanks for your input, now go away. Just MY opinion.

Hear! Hear!

 

[Literotti]

I know I am not the only one who is in a vanilla marriage but has a extramarital D/s relationship. But I would like to know how common it is and how others manage it. Has anyone who has had a relationship like this ended up divorced?

A little bit about mine for those who don't know. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 yrs. He is my soulmate. We have been through a lot of challenges in our marriage mostly brought on because he is active duty military and the challenges and pleasures of being parents. He has his own kink--wifesharing. I have had a few short-term extramarital relationships and a couple longer term--none D/s. Until now. I have had submissive fantasies for as long as I remember having any fantasies. I have brought this up to my husband and he is just not into it at all. I don't believe a person can be changed so I resigned to just keep it a fantasy.

While on a wifesharing site a few years ago I met a man who is now my Dom. It has been two years since I have been collared. At this point it is a long distance relationship but we try to get together every few months. My husband knows about it and since it is satisfying his kink of me being shared he is happy. He does get very concerned about my safety, worries that I will go to far and get really hurt etc. I have come home with welts on my ass that freaked him out a little but when I reassured him that I was ok, he relaxed.

Along with my questions above do others tell their spouses about their other relationship or keep it secret? For those who do tell their spouses what has their reaction been?

Thanks

In my particular situation, my ex-wife knew about my kink. And the way she found out was because my former girlfriend thought that by telling her about it, the result would cause a break-up. However, this revelation had the exact opposite effect. My ex became curious about it, which opened the door to a frank and honest discussion. After that, my ex and I started going to BDSM films, events, and buying toys.

I saw my wife as a domme because I am submissive, but in actuality, I think she was also a sub, and did not have an idea how to go about domming. But we did have an understanding that I could seek out the services of professionals with the provision that I did not have sexual contact with them.

Our marriage grew out of a business partnership, which caused us to be very busy, and our kinky play suffered as a result. I think that the last straw was because she called our toys "junk."

I did have an affair during my marriage which I am not proud of, but it was vanilla.

I don't believe that a solid marriage or relationship can exist if one partner is vanilla and the other is kinky, unless of course, they have a very open marriage.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't believe that a solid marriage or relationship can exist if one partner is vanilla and the other is kinky, unless of course, they have a very open marriage.

I would agree if by "open" you mean honest. I don't think it is necessarily true that you need a very open marriage in the sense of one where each partner can have as many partners as one wants. (though if a couple would prefer that, that is fine too. I just don't think it absolutely necessary.) I personally wouldn't want my marriage to be too open. It just wouldn't work for us.

Thanks for your comments

 

[FurryFury]

I would agree if by "open" you mean honest. I don't think it is necessarily true that you need a very open marriage in the sense of one where each partner can have as many partners as one wants. (though if a couple would prefer that, that is fine too. I just don't think it absolutely necessary.) I personally wouldn't want my marriage to be too open. It just wouldn't work for us.

Thanks for your comments

I agree with you.

*nods a lot*