Vanilla marriage-extramarital D/s relationships

[theweeman]

Doing specific D/s or BDSM activities and loving them is not what I fear at all. I've enjoyed such things, sometimes with my husband and sometimes with someone online. I crave that. That is part of the joy of all this. I'd like more, far more.

Wanting to leave my kids and husband for a different life is what I fear. That's what I won't let happen.

Sorry Furry.....I wasn't clear... what i was trying to say was that should you explore in R/L you WILL find yourself pushing boundaries which will have an effect on your marriage. I find your approach and realisation about how good things are at home very sensible and indeed enviable.

I have snipped the rest of your long post but have to say... I was impressed with the thoughts feelings and common sense that it showed. Truly a great posting.

btw what is the "violet Wand" ?

Weeman

 

[ecstaticsub]

Wanting to leave my kids and husband for a different life is what I fear. That's what I won't let happen.

FurryFury--I could see myself in so many of the comments you made last night, except for this one. I would never leave my husband and my children for anybody or any different way of life. I love them, I need them and they love and need me. I enjoy my present life. As much as I love my Dom and I cherish being with him there has never been a fear that I might throw away my life and run off with him. I think one of the reasons I love my Dom so much is that his priorities are the same as mine--our families come first. I held back for a long time telling him that I was in love with him because I was afraid he would think my marriage was in danger. The last thing he would want to do is destroy my marriage, or his own. I thought if he knew I was in love with him then he would release me. But he didn't. I have been able to keep both relationships balanced.

Of course a D/s realtionship will effect your marriage, but it does not need to be a negative effect. I honestly believe that mine has had a very positive effect.

 

[mytwocents]

I can understand that. I feel that my husband is at that point with me, sorta. I just still feel like it would hurt him so I don't do anything about it. Part of that is living with my own vision of myself and being able to like myself.

Forgetaboutit!

 

[FurryFury]

Sorry Furry.....I wasn't clear... what i was trying to say was that should you explore in R/L you WILL find yourself pushing boundaries which will have an effect on your marriage. I find your approach and realisation about how good things are at home very sensible and indeed enviable.

I have snipped the rest of your long post but have to say... I was impressed with the thoughts feelings and common sense that it showed. Truly a great posting.

btw what is the "violet Wand" ?

Weeman

Thanks Weeman!

You've bolstered my own gut feelings about all this.

*hug*

A violet wand is an electrical "toy" that used to be considered a medical device, now you can find them listed under "medical quackery / collectibles" on e-bay.

At the last Southeastern Lit together Evil_Geoff brought one, graciously giving my husband and I (and the others from Lit who were there), the opportunity to try it.

My desire has wavered but I want one now more than ever. Cost is is a factor. One area my husband is into kink is electrical. Currently, *L* niiice pun, if I do say so myself, I have a home tens unit I must use every night for a medical problem. I'm seriously addicted to it but wish it were stronger.

A violet wand is different and pretty in application! It can vary in it's intensity from a static charge to burning the hair off your arm and quite a few other places in between.

Here is one link of many you can find with google search.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521758&goto=newpost

HTH,

 

[FurryFury]

FurryFury--I could see myself in so many of the comments you made last night, except for this one. I would never leave my husband and my children for anybody or any different way of life. I love them, I need them and they love and need me. I enjoy my present life. As much as I love my Dom and I cherish being with him there has never been a fear that I might throw away my life and run off with him. I think one of the reasons I love my Dom so much is that his priorities are the same as mine--our families come first. I held back for a long time telling him that I was in love with him because I was afraid he would think my marriage was in danger. The last thing he would want to do is destroy my marriage, or his own. I thought if he knew I was in love with him then he would release me. But he didn't. I have been able to keep both relationships balanced.

Of course a D/s realtionship will effect your marriage, but it does not need to be a negative effect. I honestly believe that mine has had a very positive effect.

I'm so glad you have found this wonderful balance!

I just know how I tend to get completely immersed in things. So RL demos are fine. Online D/s is fine. For now and possibly for always that will have to be it for me.

I do know you can love two or more people at one time very well btw.

 

[FurryFury]

I have, more or less, followed the conversation between The WeeMan and FurryFury and , if you don't mind my butting in, would like to add my two cents (funny about that!).

To TheWeeMan, I find myself in exactly the same situation with my wife as regards to our sex life, or rather, lack of a sex life. Unlike you, whom I envy, I do not have a Mistress to provide for my sexual needs. I have had in the past and, while my wife was aware of it and actually set it up, she later became very insecure as a consequence although she had no need to be. I suppose her insecurity stemmed from the fact that the Mistress and I really hit it off perfectly as perfectly as the meshing of gears. My wife didn't know how well Mistress and I related, at least not from me. But, nonetheless, she felt angry and hurt and I promised myself that I would never hurt her again in that way, because otherwise she is a very lovely woman and I dearly love her.

Since then a number of years have passed and during that time I've had affairs and tried to turn them into the kind of relationship that I yearn for, but it's damn difficult to find a woman that is willing even though you may be having sex with her for years and years.

At any rate, what I wanted to suggest to both you and FurryFury was don't be so selfish as to try to calm your guilt by fessing up to your spouse. As it is, you (each of you) are the individual carriers of that guilt. By trying to relieve the guilt through confessing it to your spouse, you spread your guilt throughout your families who will not understand it no matter how understanding you may think they are. So, if you love your family, keep your own council.

Your advice comes far too late in my case. I've always told him "everything" and he has given me complete online freedom and more. That freedom is part of why I love him so much. It's always why I don't feel I've ever cheated on him. Physically of course I haven't even come close to an affair. Damn it!

*chuckles*

I do agree however than many times someone does tell their spouse to relieve their own guilt, that is often the wrong assbackwards and selfish thing to do IMO. Then again having an affair in itself is selfish in my view. I would feel too terribly selfish anyway. I'm not sure I could live with myself. Therefore, I simply don't.

Here's the thing though, this all started with online stuff. I came to him before I went what I considered to be "too far." If he'd have freaked out and said no, I would have stopped right then and there no matter how much it excited me or I wanted to.

If he'd said, ok but only under X conditions I would have either not done anything or stayed within his boundaries.

As it was, he said, do whatever you need or want too. Actually, he's said that applies to real life as well but anyway, He let me.

So at first I sent him full transcripts so he'd know just how far it was going and not be able to say he didn't know. He knew he could stop me at any time. I expected it.

I don't still send him transcripts in part because I'm not making any and also because soon I discovered that other than the femme on femme action he didn't care to read it. He's not into written words the way I am. He is into pictures and sound.

Still, my point is, I didn't come to him and say, hey I betrayed you already. I came to him and said, this is what almost happened but I stopped it so we could talk it over. I would never want to hurt you. I meant that. I still do.

This all allowed him to open up to me on some areas that he was somewhat shady in. I don't blame him for keeping secret his porn and such, he didn't know what I'd do. Fear is a terrible thing.

We are now much more open about all things, particularly sex. This is a good thing for us. I'm very happy about it.

 

[mytwocents]

We are now much more open about all things, particularly sex. This is a good thing for us. I'm very happy about it.

I'm glad that things turned out well for you. Perhaps, I didn't quite understand your situation.

 

[Puman]

Hi Puman
yes i have a couple of suggestions.
1) whenever you meet anyone for the 1st time off the internet do so in a VERY public area and dont go anywhere with them. ie 1st meeting should be talk no action!
2) when meeting him discuss your limits and agree on a safe word. i have limits Mistress accepts and abides by them. That is reality for all "marrieds"
you will probably find that over time your limits change as YOU push yourself further or are prepared to submit more.
where in Oz are u?
weeman

Thanks for the tips, weeman. We have not set a date to meet or anything yet, but I will definately be keeping your tips in mind when we do... I want to play this really cautiously - I may be paranoid, but I guess I'll only feel a bit more comfortable after we've had our first 'platonic and very public' meeting.
I am in South East QLD.

 

[mytwocents]

Your advice comes far too late in my case. I've always told him "everything" and he has given me complete online freedom and more. That freedom is part of why I love him so much. It's always why I don't feel I've ever cheated on him. Physically of course I haven't even come close to an affair. Damn it!

Forgetaboutit!

 

[theweeman]

This may be a sad admission but i am way past feeling guilt for the "cheating" on my wife. And there is no way i could ever tell her about my Mistress.

I guess i DO rationalise it by the fact there is no full intercourse though admittedly everything else but!

At the end of the day Mistress provides me with a need... in some ways it has saved my marriage.

well that is how i justify it to myself, rightly or wrongly.

I have, more or less, followed the conversation between The WeeMan and FurryFury and , if you don't mind my butting in, would like to add my two cents (funny about that!).

To TheWeeMan, I find myself in exactly the same situation with my wife as regards to our sex life, or rather, lack of a sex life. Unlike you, whom I envy, I do not have a Mistress to provide for my sexual needs. I have had in the past and, while my wife was aware of it and actually set it up, she later became very insecure as a consequence although she had no need to be. I suppose her insecurity stemmed from the fact that the Mistress and I really hit it off perfectly as perfectly as the meshing of gears. My wife didn't know how well Mistress and I related, at least not from me. But, nonetheless, she felt angry and hurt and I promised myself that I would never hurt her again in that way, because otherwise she is a very lovely woman and I dearly love her.

Since then a number of years have passed and during that time I've had affairs and tried to turn them into the kind of relationship that I yearn for, but it's damn difficult to find a woman that is willing even though you may be having sex with her for years and years.

At any rate, what I wanted to suggest to both you and FurryFury was don't be so selfish as to try to calm your guilt by fessing up to your spouse. As it is, you (each of you) are the individual carriers of that guilt. By trying to relieve the guilt through confessing it to your spouse, you spread your guilt throughout your families who will not understand it no matter how understanding you may think they are. So, if you love your family, keep your own council.

 

[theweeman]

Thanks for the tips, weeman. We have not set a date to meet or anything yet, but I will definately be keeping your tips in mind when we do... I want to play this really cautiously - I may be paranoid, but I guess I'll only feel a bit more comfortable after we've had our first 'platonic and very public' meeting.
I am in South East QLD.

I should add that "full" sexual intercourse is not something Mistress and I do, but its actually not one of my limits. We have however explored many other things ...ummm so we have done everything but that!

A genuine and good master for you is essential. A good master will understand & respect your limits. Fortunately my Mistress respects mine.

I warn you though... for me the D/s relationship we have generates a lot of emotion and trust... i have found it impossible not to fall in love with someone i trust so much.

and I am in Victoria.....

 

[FurryFury]

I'm glad that things turned out well for you. Perhaps, I didn't quite understand your situation.

Thanks.

*smiles*

Okay Fury, I think I need to explain about my affairs with women other than my wife. To keep it simple, she had her affairs, I had mine, and we had each other. We each knew about one another’s affairs and mutually agreed that they occurred as a consequence of wanting to explore other possibilities, but only insofar as our sex lives, and that they weren’t to interfere with our relationship. The major difference between our relationship and yours and TWM’s was that we knew beforehand and were able to understand each other from the start. The only real rough patch came as I mentioned above and it was short, if not sweet, the consequence being that I terminated the relationship with my mistress as my wife felt threatened by it.

I hope that clears up a few things like “cheating”.

It's good y'all have been able to do that.

However, I could not separate my emotions so cleanly from D/s. Fucking, is no problem, emotion doesn't even have to enter it, I can do that for all kinds of reasons but D/s, other than say, demo type stuff, I'm going to have an emotional investment there.

Online I can keep my mind clear but in person I feel I might well get lost in it. So, I'm not willing to take that chance.

Now if he wanted to explore, then I might be more willing. I strongly believe in reciprocation. It helps with my guilt. So do spankings.

*tangent pondering occurs*

Um, anyway, as it is now he doesn't even want to explore anything but porn and sports online so . . .

 

[mytwocents]

Thanks.

*smiles*



It's good y'all have been able to do that.

However, I could not separate my emotions so cleanly from D/s. Fucking, is no problem, emotion doesn't even have to enter it, I can do that for all kinds of reasons but D/s, other than say, demo type stuff, I'm going to have an emotional investment there.

Online I can keep my mind clear but in person I feel I might well get lost in it. So, I'm not willing to take that chance.

Now if he wanted to explore, then I might be more willing. I strongly believe in reciprocation. It helps with my guilt. So do spankings.

*tangent pondering occurs*

Um, anyway, as it is now he doesn't even want to explore anything but porn and sports online so . . .

You seem to have a good handle on things. Good on ya.

 

[theweeman]

You seem to have a good handle on things. Good on ya.

oh! this thread seems to have slowed......

If things change for yuo Furry...please let us know!

 

[FurryFury]

oh! this thread seems to have slowed......

If things change for yuo Furry...please let us know!

Yes, threads, like relationships, or life itself rarely last forever.

 

[theweeman]

Yes, threads, like relationships, or life itself rarely last forever.

quite...but this WAS a good one......though short

 

[FurryFury]

Five pages is pretty good in my book.

 

[shelli_k18]

I've lost many gf's 'cause I'm looking for more than vanilla. Most say they like what I offer, being a submissive bisexual, and then they get possesive and want just me. So I either tell them to accept it, and they leave, or I do it behind their back, or even try to find a middle ground. I've not got a jealous bone in my body. I wish my current gf understood.

When I met her, she was having sex with 3 guys, now she and I have movedin together, she wants the picket fences, the whole 9 yards, and constantly worried about my "addiction", which, by the way, isn't, I've been tested.

I don't know what to say, I love her, and don't want to lose her. But I don't think I can keep hiding my fun...

edited nov 3, 2023 - original post above ( Jul 13, 2011 )
in 2012 gf just stopped wanting sex altogether (our 3rd stillborn was graphic) we had tried pills, family therapy, but she was done. After 2 months of begging, bartering, I stopped asking, and put matters in my own hands. I stopped "cheating" (even though she knew, but I wasn't ok with it) and tried locked chastity (again, she wasnt into it). in 2014 nov I locked for the first time. 9 yrs later she moved out for 2 yrs, is back 3 yrs. I'm still 100% chaste, as is she. I still want it, still catch myself wanting to barter, and the cage helps at times. before she moved out she tried to control the cage thing, but it didn't help her, and she left to sort herself out. for 2 yrs I was free, but I chose to remain caged (only when going out), and it helped me connect with women without any sexual conquest, but with some hidden humility on my part, literally. I took care of myself at home, still do (except for NNN). I've learned a lot about how sex was never about the relationship for us, it was purely a transactional relationship, still is, but I am not controlled by my base desires. Now we are more room mates, and I'd be fine having sex with someone else, but happy to be home alone. covid helped.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I've lost many gf's 'cause I'm looking for more than vanilla. Most say they like what I offer, being a submissive bisexual, and then they get possesive and want just me. So I either tell them to accept it, and they leave, or I do it behind their back, or even try to find a middle ground. I've not got a jealous bone in my body. I wish my current gf understood.

When I met her, she was having sex with 3 guys, now she and I have movedin together, she wants the picket fences, the whole 9 yards, and constantly worried about my "addiction", which, by the way, isn't, I've been tested.

I don't know what to say, I love her, and don't want to lose her. But I don't think I can keep hiding my fun...

You need to be honest with her. If you are hiding something important about yourself right from the beginning love will not be enough to hold the two of you together.

 

[ecstaticsub]

it is interesting seeing this thread bumped and reading my OP again. I had forgotten that my relationship was only 2 years old when I started coming to Lit.

I also know how lucky I am that both my marriage and my D/s relationship are still strong and healthy. And extremely happy.

 

[anneski]

I love this thread
I've sat and read it all, and have decided to add my story.

I've been with my husband for 21 years, and married to him for 9. For most of that time I was unhappy. He was very judgemental of my size - I have always been a big girl, UK size 16-18 most of my life. However, that never stopped me doing anything I wanted to through my life, including getting boyfriends.

Twice during the first 10 years he left me for other women - always thinner, and he always cited my weight as the issue. He also always said he never loved me. Yet both times I took him back. The first because I truly believed I loved him.

The second.... well, I was in a bad place, and needed him. He'd left just after I'd told him my dad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he couldn't have chosen a worse time. My best friend had died of cancer a year earlier, and I ended up having to cut my hours at work but also travel further to visit dad and support mum, so had less money and more petrol to find. I couldn't tell mum or dad about his leaving, they had more than enough on their plates, so I ended up hiding my own grief and lying for him, saying he was working overtime but sent his love, etc. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and had it not been for my dog - who I had to feed, and walk the same as always of course - I'm not sure I'd have coped in all honesty.

Anyway, 5 months on and dad died, my hubby wanted to 'support me' at the funeral. Said he realised he'd made a huge mistake etc.... by then my weight had soared and I was massive, really huge. So of course I knew he wouldn't ever fancy me, cos hey, he didn't like me at size 18!!

I took him back, because I needed his help, needed to not be alone at that time, because now my mum was in hospital seriously ill. Eventually she was released after a major op, and had to come live with us.
My weight stayed the same, very heavy. Things calmed down, we managed to find a good house to move to, with more room for mum, and in a much nicer area. We were always on edge in the old place as it had become very rough.

He and I plodded along, he gradually changed... started putting me first in everything, kept trying to make up for what he'd done, apologised time and time again... and I started to accept that this was going to be ok.

Then I met a new friend, and started chatting. That was it, just chatting, but it was as if my eyes had been opened. Most of my life I'd had fantasies, ones I thought made me sick, twisted, and 'wrong', somehow. I'd supressed them, because I was fat and ugly and worthless anyway - by now this is how I thought of myself - but gradually, talking to him, I realised that I wasn't sick, or even particularly unusual - I was submissive!!

Gradually I started researching... reading, surfing, tentatively talking to people, looking at sites, videos... the internet made it easier for me than would otherwise have been the case.
Things at home with hubby improved, he really HAD changed, mum was happy, I was content, my weight came down a bit and things were ok. We got married - something I'd always wanted, before. I wasn't actually sure I did now, but felt it might make me more secure for the next time he left - because you see, I was still sure he would, again, at some point.

As I carried on learning more about me, I began learning how to meet people safely, and I met subs, and doms, only for coffee and chats, and I came to realise that actually, I wasn't worthless, or ugly, though yep, I was fat, lol!

Anyway, eventually I met some people who have become my best friends. One of them I immediately felt was the one person I'd met in my life who I actually wanted to submit to - and luckily for me he saw something in me that really appealed to him to.
We talked for a whole afternoon that first meeting. I came away from that with a grin the whole width of my face - so much now made sense, and I finally felt ME, maybe for the first time ever.

I discussed D/s with my hubby, and because he now is a good man, he listened. Then said how sick, perverse and unnatural it all was. However, bless him, we talked and talked, and he tried. He pulled faces, made remarks about how gross it was, and so after 3 or 4 tries I realised how pointless it all was - he was freaked out by it, he couldn't BE a Dom, didn't want to be a dom, and was becoming stressed because he couldn't give me what I needed.
I took a long, hard look at my life - hubby was 100% happy before I raised the issue of D/s. Mum lived with and relied on us. My brother by now was terminally ill and in a nursing home and relied on us visiting him. I knew I couldn't be 100% happy without at least trying a D/s relationship.

So, I went back to my Dom friend, and asked that he accept my submission. He did
We are now Dom and sub, and have been pretty much for 2 years. I finally feel happy, and my weight is coming down brilliantly. He gives me what I crave, and I give him 100% of me when we are together.

He is also married btw, so I know there will be no problems with either of us wanting more than we can give - something which also has people condemning us. *shrugs*

It may be selfish of me to stay with my husband, but he is happy - why ruin that? I am now happier than I have been for most of my life, so yes, I have made an active decision to lie and cheat, if you want to put it bluntly.

If I tried to justify it I might say that hubby made me lie to my parents, cheated on me twice and put me through hell, so I deserve a little fun now. But that doesn't change things, I am cheating on him.

Do I care? Yes, but not enough to end my enjoyment. I NEED this relationship with my Dom. If/when it ends, I think my D/s life will probably be over too. I only get this one life, I've wasted a lot of it already, I am not going to deny myself these few months/years of sheer joy. I need some good memories for my old age.

 

[pyratwench]

New to this board

Let me start by saying how thrilled I am to finally find a place where I feel comfortable discussing my life without the fear of being judged.
Now to give everyone my background. I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle. I am in a very vanilla, very loving heterosexual relationship with a wonderful man. (But when I say very vanilla ------------ his idea of kink is doggie style)
I am a bi sexual switch. In my day to day life I am very much dominate and in control, however I get no greater pleasure and satisfaction than submitting fully to the wants and needs of a loving Dom.
I have tried to explain to BF my need to submit but he looks at it as I'm degrading myself because I am such a strong willed woman. Being a switch I also at times need to be submitted to, I prefer that from another woman. BF also does not agree with my bisexuality.
With all of that being said. I am in a wonderfully fulfilling D/s relationship. Unfortunately that relationship has its own issues. My Dom is very loving very attentive and very strict. none of the preset limitations or boundaries have ever been crossed but he is married. I am sure his wife is unaware of his alternate lifestyle. My Dom and I have been together in an on again off again situation for several years. always with the understanding that we are part time. I have always been good with this.... Lately my need to dominate has been very strong BF says no to me finding female. My Dom encourages it with condition that he must watch. I love this idea as being watched also turns me on.
I guess my big concern and what I pose to everyone is what advice does anyone have in reference to BF........ and should I question my Dom on the reason for going outside his own marriage?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Let me start by saying how thrilled I am to finally find a place where I feel comfortable discussing my life without the fear of being judged.
Now to give everyone my background. I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle. I am in a very vanilla, very loving heterosexual relationship with a wonderful man. (But when I say very vanilla ------------ his idea of kink is doggie style)
I am a bi sexual switch. In my day to day life I am very much dominate and in control, however I get no greater pleasure and satisfaction than submitting fully to the wants and needs of a loving Dom.
I have tried to explain to BF my need to submit but he looks at it as I'm degrading myself because I am such a strong willed woman. Being a switch I also at times need to be submitted to, I prefer that from another woman. BF also does not agree with my bisexuality.
With all of that being said. I am in a wonderfully fulfilling D/s relationship. Unfortunately that relationship has its own issues. My Dom is very loving very attentive and very strict. none of the preset limitations or boundaries have ever been crossed but he is married. I am sure his wife is unaware of his alternate lifestyle. My Dom and I have been together in an on again off again situation for several years. always with the understanding that we are part time. I have always been good with this.... Lately my need to dominate has been very strong BF says no to me finding female. My Dom encourages it with condition that he must watch. I love this idea as being watched also turns me on.
I guess my big concern and what I pose to everyone is what advice does anyone have in reference to BF........ and should I question my Dom on the reason for going outside his own marriage?

Your dom's marriage is his business and in my eyes you have no reason to question his way of handling it unless he's doing it in a way that creates problems for you.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Your dom's marriage is his business and in my eyes you have no reason to question his way of handling it unless he's doing it in a way that creates problems for you.

I under stand what IrisAlthea is saying, and agree. You don't want to get in the middle of his marriage.

Maybe you can be more specific about your questions to your Dom? For instance, if you just want to talk to him as a friend, as somebody who could give you their opinion on something you are going through, as long as that isn't painful to him for some reason I would say yes, talk to him about aspects of your own life and actions (if you feel comfortable doing that and want some input).

Sometimes only those people that know you and your situation can really give you meaningful input. However, if you are interested in his actions and his reasoning and his feelings in no relation to your own situation as a couple... It doesn't sound like you are really in a good position to do that. Sounds like it might cause problems.

In regards to your BF, all I can do is echo what has been said above. We only get one life, and I think we should all carefully weigh how we want to spend it.

Good luck and be strong - the path of least resistance is always the lowest...

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I love this thread
I've sat and read it all, and have decided to add my story.

Thank you for sharing this, and I hope your happiness continues.