Spectrum? Yes, but it can also be especially difficult to navigate in places like this, where everything is in black & white, and read/received in whatever mood the reader is in. Plus, I have conversations in the threads, just like this one we're having, and forget that I've got a few stalkery folks that chose to make everything I wrote about them. It blows my mind. One even publicly lost his marbles a few months back. I'm grateful for good friends who can tell me when something I've written is misunderstood, or poorly received. And, for folks who DM me for clarification rather than assuming malice
What I mean is that there are people (myself in particular) who think the other way around. Like, we think that we are awful people and don't deserve good things because we made past mistakes, because we have never been shown love, because we feel lonely, because we have had a lot of trauma. Like, while I may be very, very cognizant of a lot of my flaws, I am also not very aware of any good characteristics. That is what I mean when I say that some people think they are the villain.
Right. I mean a spectrum of self awareness. But I think that interacting in good faith is something that a lot of people online struggle with, on or off Lit. I struggle with it too, especially if I am in a bad mood, which is something that happens a lot, sadly. I try not to let it affect how I receive something, but it can make my reception of humor to be difficult.
Do you ever ruminate on ALL the times you had a negative interaction and hurt someone’s feelings … even YEARS later and it actually keeps you up at night.
I would go insane if I was left to my own self and thoughts that much. Truly.
Yessssssssss. I was literally just thinking about something cringe that happened a few years ago, while I was at a religious retreat. Sometimes one will lead to another and then you're just left with a montage of all the awful things you have done ever that people probably don't remember.
I am honestly surprised I am not worse off than I am.
I can connect with this. I have been the villain plenty. It's a difficult headspace to be in and come out the other side. Not impossible, though.
Having been the recipient of a bunch of folks who haven't ever, or only casually, interacted with me, and didn't know the full history of the situation, piling on and justifying my public censure was really eye opening as to how pack mentality can run this place.
I hope that things get better for you. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.
Yes … omg.
Yes. I have told you my existential dreads. That is a fuel for that engine.
Maybe a nice cup of tea. That always helps me.
Or we could go down the Winchester and wait for it to all blow over.
And maybe a little sweet. A piece of chocolate, and taste it mindfully as if it’s something completely new.
Ah, I see. I would argue that as well, but I doubt you would agree with me. In the very short time I have known you, I have seen a person reaching out, at times deeply empathically so, to try to encourage people who are at a low point. I don't see a villain, or an awful person. I see someone hurt, who I would love to see heal, and love the positives she brings. I am a romantic, and often a fool, but I believe that everyone is deserving of love and respect, from themselves most of all. I would love to see that in everyone in general, and you in specific.
It's one of the reasons I sleep with the lights on every night. One of the reasons I will go into LitChat just to watch it until I fall asleep. One of the reasons I end up falling asleep to ghost videos. PTSD also doesn't help, but you work with what you have.
You're going to make me cry into my bougie grilled cheese.
In all seriousness, though, I did almost cry. I don't imagine myself to have any redeeming qualities, nor am I looking for anyone to list them. I know that, at this point, if that happened, I would not believe anyone. I sincerely appreciate your kind words. You have been nothing but kind to me, even when I have been very cranky toward you. Any distaste or anger I may hint at you, is really directed at myself. Thank you for your thoughtful words.
