What does this mean?

[ThorkelGriersen]

All good advice. There is nothing worse than being helpess and realizing that the person in control is clueless. I have been there, unfortunately. I was lucky, but one should never be dependent on luck. Start slow and easy. If you have access to BDSM videos, the old (reissued) HOM DVD's usually open with an early scene of how things can go wrong and ideas that might look good but that prove to be really dumb. I got started back in the Betty Paige days and there were no guides to safe practices. I only went to the hospital once. DUMB LUCK. Learn first!!!!!

 

[SusanWetnWild]

I don't see why it shouldn't be possible to be only part-time D/s. It actually sounds sensible for a couple that young. That way you can both figure out if this is the relationship you want, or if you are more happy with a vanilla one you lead the other days.
If you are too young depends on various things. How fast you're taking this. How responsible you are. How much self-confidence you have. If you have learned to overcome embarrassment when talking about sex.
You should work on your communication though. (Can't be said often enough) Like if you don't know what something is, don't agree but inquire. If you want the other to do something, don't only ask but explain.

Hi, and Thanks. Am wanting to do it on a strictly part time babsis and see how things move from there. Shall talk to my bf later in the week. Thanks for your inputs.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

susan, it CAN be all heavy and lifestyley and serious and stuff.... but it doesn't HAVE to be. If you guys are close and care for each other, and know how to have fun, there's nothing wrong with dipping a toe in the waters, just easing in and seeing what develops. That was what I liked most about the bible of beginners' BDSM, "Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns." (Which you guys should get ASAP and read together, or to each other.) Aside from being informative and explaining the concepts, it was lighthearted and fun.

When people take themselves or their cause too seriously, I head for the exits. If it can't be fun, it's not right. Doesn't mean grin like an idiot all the time, I just don't want to feel like I'm in church when I'm fucking. Or playing by some earnest rulebook of How it Should be Done. That's what "work" is for.

It's a blank canvas. Try watercolor, charcoal, fingerpaint, oils.... no, wait... it's an improv theatre exercise. Try being "slavegirl" and get into the role, see if you like it. Turn the tables one day and get a glimpse of the view from the top. Sometimes when you don't expect it, you get that tingle that says, WOW, this is something good! Play.

Just one madman's opinion here too, but no numerical age is "too young" -- within the law of course. 18-1/2 can be perfect, or 30 can be not ready, for whatever it is. Go with your feeling and your instincts and your heart.

I wish I'd had a clue at 18-1/2; would have saved me a lot of wasted time and confusion. Hey, it's just another thing to try, another course at the banquet. You're at a great age to experiment with whatever you feel curious about. It's not like you're risking your life or health. Worst that could happen is, what, you might find something you don't like. At least you tried it.

So: Bon appetit! Bon voyage! Revel loud and long. Try and send us a postcard, OK? You got a little fan club here, rooting for ya.

I talked to some friends and now think that there is no real time to start and 18 1/2 is as good as any other age. Shall talk to my bf and see how things move. Shall keep you posted. Thanks.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Everbody here is giving you very good advice. And, this is a good place to come ask questions. You can learn a lot here. This is a realtime classroom.

If you don't think you can do it full time, that's OK. I know many people who don't do it 24/7. With a lot of people, it's just kinky sex and nothing more. The rest of their life has nothing to do with BDSM. But, with a lot of people it is 24/7 and a major part of their life.

There are no set rules that you have to stick to. You can mold this to be what you want it to be. You might start off with Saturday nights or Sunday afternoons for a while. It could stay that way or it could get to be something you like so much, you make it your 24/7 life changing choice.

It is also possible you could find you enjoy being the dominant and your boyfriend would enjoy being the submissive. Or, either of you or both of you could be a switch. There is so much about this that I don't think either of you really know enough about, right now.

And, if you find out that you don't want to do this, and your boyfriend still does, don't think you are abnormal or that he is. There are a lot of couples with only one partner wanting this sort of thing. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. If it turns out he wants it but you don't, be sure you tell him. But, if you don't mind giving him a little of this kinky stuff every once in a while, that might be all he wants, too.

Read, and make him read, too. Understand what is possible and what of it you want to be a part of. Start off slow and experiment. If you find you don't like something at first, put it aside to try again later. After a while, you might change your mind about it.

Oh, and just so you know, this is NOT the same as Goth. Goth is putting on a personality and wearing it, because it's "in" or stylish among a group of friends. It is just a trend. I don't think there are that many people in their 50s that are into Goth. There is nothing wronge with Goth, and it has come to include a few aspects of BDSM style dress and mannerisms. But, that's all.

And let us know how things are going. It's always interesting to hear how people feel about this when they are just learning and finding out about it. Truly, it's not for everybody. BDSM can be a life changing choice. Just don't think you must make that choice all at once.

Thanks so much for your inputs. Shall just wet my toes at forst and see if I am comfy doing it. Dont wanna do it all at once. Shall most definitely keep ya posted.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

I'm going to take a second to give some advice [unasked]. Work on this. The part of you that doesn't want to appear ignorant so you nod and smile and agree without having any idea what you are nodding on about. Ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who looks down upon or laughs at you due to your honest ignorance of a subject is the one showing the mind of an idiot. Anyone who gives a damn about you as a human being and the potential you have in Life will graciously discuss whatever it is they know and you don't. Personally, I believe in distancing myself from people who would rather hold me back (focus on my lack of knowledge rather than assist my education in Life). Life is too short to feel bad about what I don't know instead of feeing great about what knowledge lies ahead.

You will be amazed what wonderful things you can learn from an honest acceptance of your lack of knowledge in any area of Life. It isn't anything to be ashamed of; it is, however, the first step one must take to truly learn.

Thanks for yr sweet advice. Noted......I hope to remember taht the next time around.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Here I will have to bring up a point of disagreement with mrmadman. In some instances you might very well be risking your life or health. Which is why we are all advocating that you educate yourself. What do I mean that you might be risking your life or health? Some examples:

1) You and your bf decide to try some rope bondage. He doesn't have a clue what he's doing though, ties you up too tight, ties your arm up in the wrong place, leaves it tied up too long, you end up with some nerve damage and are in pain or lose some functionality in your arm. Think "instant carpal tunnel syndrome" if he screws it up bad enough.

2) You and your bf decide to get your freak on and want to try a bisexual encounter or a threesome. You find an agreeable partner but neither of you check on their sexual history, and since you are on the pill anyway, don't bother with a condom. 6 - 8 months from now you go to give blood, you get the word back from the Red Cross "sorry, can't use your blood, you've got AIDS..." or some other STD.

3) Hey... that latex hood with the breathing tube looks HOT! Let's try that! Since he's learned ropes, and is good at that you trust him to tie you down safely, and getting tied up turns you on and it's part of your regular play. But you add that latex hood and Wow! Controlling your breathing like that just really gets your motor running. He cuts off the air flow.... slips off the bed... and you can't breathe. Cool... this is realy exciting! But you're in trouble after a minute or so... where is he? You start thrashing, trying to get his attention... but he's off in the other room on the phone with his Mom... You pass out...

How bad THIS scenario gets depends on how quickly he gets back to you.

Am I trying to scare you? Certainly, but just a little. Am I trying to scare you away from BDSM? Absolutely not. I'm trying to scare you enough to make you think about safety BEFORE you play.

BDSM play DOES have risks involved. Some risks are greater than others. Some carry risks of disease, like unprotected sex or doing things that break the skin like piercing and cutting. Others carry risks of accidental injury, like suspensions or bondage. Some carry a significant risk of death, like breathplay. Don't EVER take the attitude that you can't be hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have to approach your play with deadly seriousness. This IS supposed to be fun after all. If you are not enjoying it, why do it? But having a cavalier "What, me worry?" attitude is a good way to insure that you will sustain harm yourself, or, if your partner has that attitude, he will harm somoene, at some point. Educating yourself and your partner about the risks involved, about the ways to _minimize_ the risks, and what to do if an accident happens, is the smart (and right!) way to proceed.

And at 18-1/2, you are an adult and responsible for your own education and safety. Asking questions here is a great first step! Keep asking questions, keep your eyes, ears, and mind open. You'll learn a lot, and grow a lot. If this is for you, you'll stick with it, if not, it will go by the wayside. But in the meantime you will have broadened your horizons and had some interesting and hopefully fun experiences.

Welcome to the community!
- Geoff

Fully understand your concerns. Thanks so much for warning me in such a sweet way. Shall keep you posted of any decisions we may be taking.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Fully understand your concerns. Thanks so much for warning me in such a sweet way. Shall keep you posted of any decisions we may be taking.

You're quite welcome! I'm here to share, and educate, and help our community grow. It's the only real way I have of re-paying those who helped me when I was just getting started.

Glad to have you here!
- Geoff

 

[HawkEye38]

Not to be critical, but if you have to search the net and ask complete strangers what all this entails... If you don't feel comfortable asking him these things it may not be a good idea to go through with it.

I'm not faulting you, just saying, be sure of what you're getting into.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Not to be critical, but if you have to search the net and ask complete strangers what all this entails... If you don't feel comfortable asking him these things it may not be a good idea to go through with it.

I'm not faulting you, just saying, be sure of what you're getting into.

I have had a great discussion with my bf regarding this and I have decided to sort of wet my toes. My bf has told me that we will go only to the lenghths both of us are comfortable with and at a pace both of us are comfortable with. Just doing this as an experiment. If I am not comfy doing it, shall quit. If I do enjoy it, lets see how we move further on. My bf also convinced me that my age of 18 1/2 was no impediment and most people adopted this style at an age when they could enjoy sex to the max. Lets see how things pan out. Shall keep you posted.

 

[HawkEye38]

I have had a great discussion with my bf regarding this and I have decided to sort of wet my toes. My bf has told me that we will go only to the lenghths both of us are comfortable with and at a pace both of us are comfortable with. Just doing this as an experiment. If I am not comfy doing it, shall quit. If I do enjoy it, lets see how we move further on. My bf also convinced me that my age of 18 1/2 was no impediment and most people adopted this style at an age when they could enjoy sex to the max. Lets see how things pan out. Shall keep you posted.

You go girl!

Ask him about having a safe-word too