What I have learned at Lit/BDSM

[James G 5]

Sometimes we (myself included) tend to start joking on a thread. Sometimes this kills a good discussion. Perhaps we should be aware of that. Anyone who sees the importance of this board, has a responsibility to keep its standards alive.

Wolf

Crap.
In that case, I retract my last 3 posts


Now I must LEAVE LIT FOEVER in shame!

 

[Cleopatra]

Now I must LEAVE LIT FOEVER in shame!

Ok...see you tomorrow....



I've learned that there are some people who can't live without drama...and some who can't live with it.

 

[Quint]

I have never agreed with the "it's just a porn board, why take it seriously?" slogan. I am saying things that are true and real to me, expressing opinions that I may not be able to share in many other places. Yeah, there are probably people on Lit whose online personalities, stances, and words reflect nothing of their real ones--but since I'm not one of them, I take myself every bit as seriously here as I do in reality. It does hurt me to be called down by people who I respect, based upon their words here. I do feel the desire to be understood as I intended. I don't want this to change.

If I had a troll, I doubt it would bother me. Whole nother story.

But speaking of trolls, I think that most people deserve second chances. Obvious, individual-poster-directed trolls usually don't fall into this category, but someone who steps on a few feet upon entering the forum may. I think eating_scarlett left here having learned something valuable about our community, and that's definitely worth a few callous judgments in my opinion. I've been stupid too, and I'm always glad to get my second chance.

 

[kayte]

There's a line in one of my favorite movies... Soapdish. Kevin Kline says to Sally Field... "You? moralizing to me? Pahleeeeze!" I'm sure that some are thinking the same thing about me.

However, I'm not done with what I have learned. I will eventually post more to this thread, whether anyone else does or not and whether anyone reads it or not.

I will likely be gone for a couple of days because I am starting a new job tomorrow. (Wish me luck, please. This is a big career step for me.)

ADR ~ Congratulations on the new job!!!! I am sure things will be wonderful for you.

 

[WillowPuss]

Good thread Rose - and best of luck with the job!!!

There are some posts on here that I regret slightly - and some posters I wish I had put on ignore rather than thinking that I ought to try and understand where they were coming from - or where they were trying to go ... it would have made my life so much easier than it was at the time.

 

[Jimi]

Wonderful thread, Ma'am!

Rosie:

Like my cyber-Sis - I don't post to yours, because you are so damnably sensible, and good to your friends. It is a delight to "lurk" and enjoy another's perspective. MUAH!!!

 

[RisiaSkye]

Good thread Rose - and best of luck with the job!!!

There are some posts on here that I regret slightly - and some posters I wish I had put on ignore rather than thinking that I ought to try and understand where they were coming from - or where they were trying to go ... it would have made my life so much easier than it was at the time.

Indeed, willow. That's true for many of us, I think.

 

[wolf2002]

Crap.
In that case, I retract my last 3 posts


Now I must LEAVE LIT FOEVER in shame!

No, that's not necessary... when it's REALLY funny, it's okay, really...

Unless you want us to beg you to stay, of course.... well allright then.... James, PLEASE stay....? Pretty please?


Okay?

 

[watergirl]

What a cool thread... I agree with pretty much everything that's been said, and would like to add -

I've learned, partially from life and partially from lit - everyone likes to believe that they are one of the good guys. People can and will convince themselves that their actions and statements were made with the best of intentions, or the most joking, teasing fun spirit. Sometimes, you can't get them to recognize your point of view on what they're doing, they won't change, and you should just walk away. No more arguing, no more discussions - just drop the point and leave. Your life will be the better for it.

I've learned that just because I like some roughness during sex - a good hard slap, a hard hand on my throat or in my hair or on the back of my neck - this does not make me submissive. I also need to feel like I am able to give as good as I get, and I can and will return the pleasure of pain. I will not accept people trying to tell me how to think or behave, or who try to manipulate me.

I've also found some very enjoyable toys and places to shop, and that as a whole, people like to give advice and lend support when they can. Most of litsters don't know me, but they also have nothing against me, and when I've asked for advice or how-to, the positive posts have ALWAYS outweighed the trolls, by a landslide.

I have become more of a lurker than a poster, but I am still around, and am glad I found the lit boards. I have also learned that it's good to wait out your feelings - for a while, I felt lit was important enough to me that I'd want to share it with a partner I was serious about; now, I'm not sure it's such a big deal... it's incidental, not integral to my life, and I think I could quietly leave with no fuss, and few people around here would be the wiser.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Good luck with your new job, ADR.
... *Little known Lit history: ADR and I have seldom posted to the same threads as we would usually simply be saying "ditto" over and again.

Thank you, MissT and by the way, ditto that post.

hugs back ;-)

So overall, though there are days here when the air is smoking from the crossfire, and egos are dented and tarnished, I find the exchange to be honest, informative, more supportive than most people we meet face to face, and friendly, and a place I would not see disappear for the sake of conforming to societal views of appropriate behaviour. Screw their approporiate behaviour and give me transparency, realism, and honesty any day.

Catalina

I cannot agree with this. As I said before, if I treat people in a respectful manner, I expect the same treatment. I call that appropriate behavior. When did being at least polite, become the politically correct thing to do and when did it stop being appropriate behavior? For me, it will always be appropriate. Teasing or yanking someone's chain is nothing compared to flaming, vicious name calling and trying to 'expose' lit'sters. I do not engage in that type of 'realism and honesty.'

And if I disagree strongly enough with someone or something that matters to me.... I will say so, as I have done in the past. But you know, thank you for your post to this. We do not have to agree. Like you said, it neither makes me wrong or you wrong to disagree.

Thank you for the well wishes on my job.

ADR ~ Congratulations on the new job!!!! I am sure things will be wonderful for you.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Good thread Rose - and best of luck with the job!!!

There are some posts on here that I regret slightly - and some posters I wish I had put on ignore rather than thinking that I ought to try and understand where they were coming from - or where they were trying to go ... it would have made my life so much easier than it was at the time.

Thank you, Willow.

I am a very thin-skinned person and ignore would have made my life much more pleasant at times, too. But I have learned who to read and who not to and that has saved me some hurt feelings along the way. I get trolled on occassion (on the GB by one or 2 particular women.) I avoid any threads they post to. I avoid conflict with people. If someone does not agree with what I write, it's okay. But to call me a fucking c*nt, because they disagree, is uncalled for and I won't back down from saying, it is impolite.

Rosie:

Like my cyber-Sis - I don't post to yours, because you are so damnably sensible, and good to your friends. It is a delight to "lurk" and enjoy another's perspective. MUAH!!!

I do believe that this is the first time you have ever posted to me. Thank you for your kind words and MUAH backatcha

What a cool thread... I agree with pretty much everything that's been said, and would like to add -

I've learned, partially from life and partially from lit - everyone likes to believe that they are one of the good guys. People can and will convince themselves that their actions and statements were made with the best of intentions, or the most joking, teasing fun spirit. Sometimes, you can't get them to recognize your point of view on what they're doing, they won't change, and you should just walk away. No more arguing, no more discussions - just drop the point and leave. Your life will be the better for it.

Yes, I can't agree with you more. Sometimes it is best to just make your point and then walk away. Usually, I make my point once and not again. I am not going to change anyone's mind here and they certainly are not going to change mine.

I've learned that just because I like some roughness during sex - a good hard slap, a hard hand on my throat or in my hair or on the back of my neck - this does not make me submissive. I also need to feel like I am able to give as good as I get, and I can and will return the pleasure of pain. I will not accept people trying to tell me how to think or behave, or who try to manipulate me.

Again, I ditto this. Only you know who you are and what feels right in your life. No one should be trying to pigeon hole you as this or that.

Most of litsters don't know me, but they also have nothing against me, and when I've asked for advice or how-to, the positive posts have ALWAYS outweighed the trolls, by a landslide.

Most lit'sters are good hearted people, just as in RL, most people are good. And just as in RL, we are not all going to like each other nor are we all going to be friends. But being rude, crude and unkind to people just because you do not like them or just because this is a "porn board and it's what happens" is never acceptable to me or to you, I am very sure.

...now, I'm not sure it's such a big deal... it's incidental, not integral to my life, and I think I could quietly leave with no fuss, and few people around here would be the wiser.

Good for you for being able to keep it in perspective and not take it all so seriously.

On a side note watergirl, you would probably be surprised and who and how many would miss you if you quietly slipped away.

I am flattered that you, who post so rarely, would pick my thread to take the time to post to.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Off topic because this is my thread and I can do it...LOL

My new job has been wonderful. Very long hours, but it was a return to my first and most loved career. I have been out of nursing for over 10 years and although many things have changed, most things remain the same. As soon as I donned my uniform and walked onto the floor, it was like the most comfortable feeling I have ever had at a new job. Sounds silly but, it was like being home again.

The down side is that even when I was pregnant, I never had swollen ankles and feet like I have had these past 2 days.
*Sigh*
I can only chalk it up to age... and I am not going to get any younger. LOL

Thank you again to those who wished me well.... it worked!

 

[A Desert Rose]

The Death of THIS Salesman

Lesson #6. AV's are just another form of advertising and a way of selling ourselves to other readers.

We pick them to make a statement about ourselves to the rest of the Lit world. Mine are never sexual in nature, unless you have a foot fetish, in which case, I have numerous "feet" AVs. There is a reason mine are not sexual, just as there is a reason I don't post to list threads or blatantly flirt on the boards. Those reasons have a lot to do with how I view myself and how I want to be viewed by others. I am no different than anyone else.

For most of us, we want to project our best persona on the boards. That's not to say that we are being false or untrue... but it's similar to going to a cocktail party or a first date. We want to be our "best" selves to those who are basically strangers. We put on our best face (AV) to go public. And what our best face is, is different for all of us.

For the exception of 2 AVs, I use my real body parts... but just in parts. That is *my* personal preference. (That's really me to the left of this post.) I tried twice to use my own tits as an AV... it lasted all of 10 minutes and I had to take it off. It is just not something I am comfortable doing. I guess I am a bad salesman. But differ't strokes for others...

I like to hear why others pick the AVs that they do. I think some are picked out of the romantic feeling they express, others are picked because they are just too damned funny, some are picked for shock value and those people post just like the AV they sport, some pick the AV because that represents a desire or affinity they want to express (as in bondage AV's.)

You can tell a lot about a poster's personality by the AV they pick.

I hope others will share ideas on this. It will be interesting to read other poster's thoughts.

 

[MissTaken]

Good morning, ADR,

I have a fairly large collection of avs, most of which are erotic art.

I like avs that are suggestive, but also seem to indicate a certain depth. Of course, the first requirement is that the av is visually appealing and speaks to me much the same as any piece of enjoyable art would speak to me.

I have used my real face. I began doing that in order to unveil some of the MissTique behind MissTaken. She is very much a real person, with average looks and somewhat above average intelligence.

Then, I have used my breast pics when I felt sassy and wanted that unsolicited attention. One line flirts are fun for me and are more an excercise of my ability to carry off the responses than an opportunity to hook up. A mental excercise, if you will. I flirt in real life and must say, I enjoy flirting on line.


I have av's for moods. Most notably are the av's I use when I am doing a lot of soul searching and am pensive or when I am happy and feeling the comfortable with another. (any of my couple av's indicate the latter.)

It really isn't a science even though I seem to be analyzing it as such. If it feels right I clique "submit."

*giggles* Pardon the pun~

 

[catalina_francisco]

I cannot agree with this. As I said before, if I treat people in a respectful manner, I expect the same treatment. I call that appropriate behavior. When did being at least polite, become the politically correct thing to do and when did it stop being appropriate behavior? For me, it will always be appropriate. Teasing or yanking someone's chain is nothing compared to flaming, vicious name calling and trying to 'expose' lit'sters. I do not engage in that type of 'realism and honesty.'

And if I disagree strongly enough with someone or something that matters to me.... I will say so, as I have done in the past. But you know, thank you for your post to this. We do not have to agree. Like you said, it neither makes me wrong or you wrong to disagree.


I do not think the continued derogatory name calling or attacking without any meaningful content of expressed views on a topic or reason is necessary, but I am in support of any discussion which enables people to attempt to explain their view and come to hear those of others. It is natural at times this is going to become emotive as we are a group of individuals, all with our own unique story to tell.


As my quote above from the same posting shows, I did not say I accept flaming as appropriate, nor did I advocate name calling, and from memory I have not directed four letter words on anyone on the board. I fully support respect, as I have said, and as my posts seem to reflect for many. I similarly respect others choice to continue with dialogue on a topic that interests them even if it is not of interest to me. I guess respect comes in different forms. To me those continually hijacking threads because they see no relevance is a sign of disrespect. If it is of no interest, just pass it by and post elsewhere.

In the past DR we have agreed and disagreed on many topics, as I am sure we will in the future, and that to me is realism and friendship, not my writing a person off at the first sign they do not fully agree with me, or act the way I would in a situation. We are all individual with our own set of thoughts which naturally cannot always be the same on everything....world would be a boring place if we did, and would certainly stop evolving which would be sad.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Good morning, ADR,

I have a fairly large collection of avs, most of which are erotic art.

I like avs that are suggestive, but also seem to indicate a certain depth. Of course, the first requirement is that the av is visually appealing and speaks to me much the same as any piece of enjoyable art would speak to me.

I have used my real face. I began doing that in order to unveil some of the MissTique behind MissTaken. She is very much a real person, with average looks and somewhat above average intelligence.

Then, I have used my breast pics when I felt sassy and wanted that unsolicited attention. One line flirts are fun for me and are more an excercise of my ability to carry off the responses than an opportunity to hook up. A mental excercise, if you will. I flirt in real life and must say, I enjoy flirting on line.


I have av's for moods. Most notably are the av's I use when I am doing a lot of soul searching and am pensive or when I am happy and feeling the comfortable with another. (any of my couple av's indicate the latter.)

It really isn't a science even though I seem to be analyzing it as such. If it feels right I clique "submit."

*giggles* Pardon the pun~

I like all your AV's. I have to disagree with one thing, however. I have seen your face and I do not think you are average... not by any stretch, doll.

About online flirting... I am an incorrigable flirt in RL. I cannot translate that online. Online, I am a failure at it. So rather than appearing the failure that I am, I don't initiate flirting.

ahhh yes, many of my AVs reflect a mood I am in, too.

Great points all, Miss T!
Thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

As my quote above from the same posting shows, I did not say I accept flaming as appropriate, nor did I advocate name calling, and from memory I have not directed four letter words on anyone on the board. I fully support respect, as I have said, and as my posts seem to reflect for many. I similarly respect others choice to continue with dialogue on a topic that interests them even if it is not of interest to me. I guess respect comes in different forms. To me those continually hijacking threads because they see no relevance is a sign of disrespect. If it is of no interest, just pass it by and post elsewhere.

In the past DR we have agreed and disagreed on many topics, as I am sure we will in the future, and that to me is realism and friendship, not my writing a person off at the first sign they do not fully agree with me, or act the way I would in a situation. We are all individual with our own set of thoughts which naturally cannot always be the same on everything....world would be a boring place if we did, and would certainly stop evolving which would be sad.

Catalina

I am going to try and be more clear this time. I know you do not engage in or condone vicsiousness in any form. That was not the point I was trying to make.

I will state, on rare occassions, when I feel strongly about something. I will not say the politically correct thing nor will I do the inclusive thing, if I feel that something is wrong or abhorant to me. Call me judgemental if you want to.

My apologies Catalina, for not being more clear in my previous response to you. Usually, I convey my thoughts better than that.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Near perfect thread ADR. What makes a near perfect thread, IMO? One that has points that speak to each of us; they don't all have to mind you...but a great deal of them, we can look at ourselves and think, "yeah, I've thought that, uh huh, she's nailed it". I read through this thread and well....you nailed it. *grin*

A few replies caught my eye as well.

Originally posted by Quint

I have never agreed with the "it's just a porn board, why take it seriously?" slogan. I am saying things that are true and real to me, expressing opinions that I may not be able to share in many other places. Yeah, there are probably people on Lit whose online personalities, stances, and words reflect nothing of their real ones--but since I'm not one of them, I take myself every bit as seriously here as I do in reality. It does hurt me to be called down by people who I respect, based upon their words here. I do feel the desire to be understood as I intended. I don't want this to change

It's no secret that I think of this Board, and the Cafe (the two together) as a Community, not as a "Porn Board." I don't fly 1000 plus miles to meet people from a "Porn Board." I do take it somewhat seriously, and what you get on the Board is my truth, not some online made-up persona. What would be the point? Unfortunately, it is not always reflected back at me. It is frustrating at times, however, I try to remember that the Community consists of diverse groups of people, that include those who don't consider it a Community. It's a struggle for me to put that into my view, but in order for me to keep my perspective, I have to keep that in mind.

Originally posted by Watergirl

I've learned that just because I like some roughness during sex - a good hard slap, a hard hand on my throat or in my hair or on the back of my neck - this does not make me submissive. I also need to feel like I am able to give as good as I get, and I can and will return the pleasure of pain. I will not accept people trying to tell me how to think or behave, or who try to manipulate me.

Well, hallelujah. Someone who has figured out exactly what they want and need, and hasn't flailed about the Board in a "submissive frenzy" trying to do it. I applaud you, Watergirl. You've always had my respect.

Originally posted by A Desert Rose

I like to hear why others pick the AVs that they do. I think some are picked out of the romantic feeling they express, others are picked because they are just too damned funny, some are picked for shock value and those people post just like the AV they sport, some pick the AV because that represents a desire or affinity they want to express (as in bondage AV's.)

You can tell a lot about a poster's personality by the AV they pick.

Last but not least, my AV was a picture I took for Him. I am at my most submissive when I am pinned, head bent back, cock down my throat, barely able to breathe. I've worn it as an AV since I became His.

Thanks again for the wonderful thread.

~anelize

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: The Death of THIS Salesman

I like to hear why others pick the AVs that they do. I think some are picked out of the romantic feeling they express, others are picked because they are just too damned funny, some are picked for shock value and those people post just like the AV they sport, some pick the AV because that represents a desire or affinity they want to express (as in bondage AV's.)

You can tell a lot about a poster's personality by the AV they pick.

I hope others will share ideas on this. It will be interesting to read other poster's thoughts.

I made the AV I use.

A picture of a (weeping) willow tree and a picture of a cat that I doctored from a card site.

I just put the two together to make my name ... willowpuss.

At the time, many many moons ago, when I was able to pick and put and AV up the board was a fair bit different from how it is now. I looked at the AV's others had and thought that I could never compete on either the 'submissive' ones or the blantanly 'erotic/sexual' one - especially if I used my body! lol (Actually, I am not allowed to do this, anyway.)

So there we have it ... my AV is my online name ... simple.

Of course - if people look at it and think ... cute/fluffy/empty-headed ... then they might be in for a surprise or two on occasions.




And ... I am so pleased you are enjoying your job. That makes such a difference to life in general. May it last forever.

 

[Guest]

An aside if you will allow??

Good morning, ADR,


>>>I have used my real face. I began doing that in order to unveil some of the MissTique behind MissTaken. She is very much a real person, with average looks and somewhat above average intelligence.

>>>>Then, I have used my breast pics when I felt sassy and wanted that unsolicited attention. One line flirts are fun for me and are more an excercise of my ability to carry off the responses than an opportunity to hook up. A mental excercise, if you will. I flirt in real life and must say, I enjoy flirting on line.

*giggles* Pardon the pun~

Ahem...

(while calmly ignoring the obvious fact, that you are not a complement fisher.)

Well actually I have seen the pic on your profile and found you to be quite good looking.
And I would debate that the "somewhat above average intelligence" is somewhat of an understatement. I have enjoyed our assorted exchanges thoroughly.
Which I must say is one of the better things about Lit as a whole BTW. The combination of humor and intelligence ( not to mention perversity) is quite refreshing these days.

Thank you

I am however, at this moment, going to admit to being SEVERELY PISSED - I missed the shots of your breasts.*sigh* Such is life.
(one must maintain the general tone of the site and all)

 

[niteshade]

ADR... thanks for starting this thread. I have been lurking here for a few days, trying to make a list of all the things I have learned here at Lit. I came to the conclusion that in the last few months I have learned too much to possibly list it all, but I think I can pick out some biggies.

First, I learned that no one else can define my kink for me... I have to do that myself. I learned that I don't fit neatly into someone else's labels, but that it is ok that I don't. I am not a "sub" by the general definition that we usually see here, though I have submissive tendencies.

I learned that a certain librarian was right when she told me that limits stretch incredibly quickly, and that I would find myself craving things that I had sworn I would never do. (btw, thanks for all the great advice Anelize )

I have learned all kinds of kinky sexual tricks

Most importantly, I have learned that just because I desire to give up control to another in certain situations, or because I like being made helpless by another, that I am not a freak, or a weakling, or a doormat. I think that lesson was absolutely the most important one, because I when I finally admitted to myself that I was interested in BDSM, I spent a lot of time feeling disgusted with myself for wanting to be "weak." Strength is very important to me, for a variety of reasons, and I feel much more at ease with myself now that I realize I can be the way I am and still be strong.

 

[Desdemona]

What I have learned at lit over the course of a couple of years.

#1. Online does not necessarily translate into real life. There may be a huge difference between what sounds like fun and how you actually perceive it. There may be a huge gap between the attraction you feel while chatting and the chemistry, or lack thereof, that you experience when you meet.

#2. BDSM is only one facet of a relationship. If the relationship isn't solid, kink won't save it.

#3. Limits may change rapidly as you get experience in real life.

#4. I have met some incredible people here. Some have helped me change my life for the better. Some have taught me important lessons... not all of them pleasant. I have friendships I cherish and a loving Dom who I first met on these boards.

#5. In terms of sig lines, less is more. Perhaps not a popular sentiment, but it's my opinion and I'm sticking with it. It isn't necessary to take up huge amounts of bandwidth to make a statement.

#6. Smilies are fun sometimes. But just because someone puts a smiling face beside what they posted, it doesn't mean they meant the words with good intentions or as a joke.

#7. There is a huge difference between cyber/chatroom BDSM/ D/s and how people who actually live it conduct themselves.

#8. I'm not good at using the ignore feature. I'm just too curious. It's like looking at a train wreck to read what some people post. LOL

#9. In terms of avs, I've tried a variety. At this point, whatever pleases Snooze, works for me. I've tried all different sorts, including those sexy, "look at me" avs. The attention I got from those avs had nothing to do with who I am and I tired of it within a day or so.

 

[A Desert Rose]

My God Des, you have hit the nail on the head in every point you made. Just as Analyze said.... "we can look at ourselves and think, "yeah, I've thought that, uh huh, she's nailed it."

Your points are so on target.

I should not be surprised. I guess this is why we are such good friends.




And by the way, the sigline?.... that was gonna be my next lesson. You stealer!!!!

LOL ;-)

 

[Desdemona]

My God Des, you have hit the nail on the head in every point you made. Just as Analyze said.... "we can look at ourselves and think, "yeah, I've thought that, uh huh, she's nailed it."

Your points are so on target.

I should not be surprised. I guess this is why we are such good friends.




And by the way, the sigline?.... that was gonna be my next lesson. You stealer!!!!

LOL ;-)

Thanks sweetpea. So go ahead and say what you were thinking about the sig lines. I'm interested.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: The Death of THIS Salesman

I made the AV I use.

Of course - if people look at it and think ... cute/fluffy/empty-headed ... then they might be in for a surprise or two on occasions.

And ... I am so pleased you are enjoying your job. That makes such a difference to life in general. May it last forever.

First, thank you Willow about my job.

Second, it takes reading one post by you to know you are not empty-headed. You were one of the first people I met at bdsm and you are still as kind as you were then. Empty-headed and fluffy are two adjectives I would never use to describe you.

You are gentle, kind and knowledgable in many areas. I see you as a genuine lady in every sense of the word.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thanks sweetpea. So go ahead and say what you were thinking about the sig lines. I'm interested.

Well, I should have included sig lines in the AV lesson. It's the same thing. It's advertising and even more so, in some cases, than an AV is.

I won't ridicule people who use the monster sigs... (well, maybe I will..... LMAO) but I agree that none of that stuff is neccessary. It reminds me of someone compensating for a small dick or something... except it's mostly women and sub-women, at that. Go figure... (LMAO again.)

Who you are is in the words you post... not in all the flowery shit that you can possibly put at the end of your post. And if someone really cares to know about *you*, they won't be reading and looking at all the annoying shit in a sig line, at least not people of character and depth.