What would you recommend?
- Thread starter ABSTRUSE
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ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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Okay folks, took a stab at this, critique away, but be gentle please, it's very rough.
My stomach hurts just posting this.
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters in cyberspace
Askew and independent
Becoming reborn in words
Settle them selves on electronic paper.
Trembling fingers press buttons
That opens the vacuum.
The words inhale their first new breath
And speak to tear-filled eyes
Innocent little assassins
Cut right through her heart
And rip it from her chest
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
Like sand and sleet
Stinging her eyes
Burning white saline rivulets
Run down her face
Splattering the keyboard
Like drops of acid rain
Sporadic staccato
Matching her breath
Tapping away at the keys
Until both are silent
Like death
thank you, Abs
My stomach hurts just posting this.
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters in cyberspace
Askew and independent
Becoming reborn in words
Settle them selves on electronic paper.
Trembling fingers press buttons
That opens the vacuum.
The words inhale their first new breath
And speak to tear-filled eyes
Innocent little assassins
Cut right through her heart
And rip it from her chest
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
Like sand and sleet
Stinging her eyes
Burning white saline rivulets
Run down her face
Splattering the keyboard
Like drops of acid rain
Sporadic staccato
Matching her breath
Tapping away at the keys
Until both are silent
Like death
thank you, Abs
RebeccaLeah
Path
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- Posts
- 9,922
Beautiful.
Liar
now with 17% more class
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- Posts
- 43,715
And you are worried about what exactly? This is powerful, well balanced, eloquent and rich in language.ABSTRUSE said:My stomach hurts just posting this.
My only objection
Is your choice
In formatting
Beginning every
Line with a CAPITAL letter
Causes a big letter to
Sneak in in the middle
Of sentences all the time
This, however, is just
My personal opinion,
It seems some prefer
It that way
But I would had written it like you would if it had been prose, punctuation and all:
Kinetic letters in cyberspace,
askew and independentm
becoming reborn in words,
settle them selves on electronic paper.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that opens the vacuum.
The words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eye.
#L
Remec
Master Glomper
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- Posts
- 8,454
ABSTRUSE said:Thank you Liar, I knew the formatting sucked, I will revise it. So I guess there is hope for me yet...LOL.
~A~
More than hope dahlin'...
I read this earlier this morning, but wanted to come back when I was a bit more awake. Liar touched on what was going to be my first suggestion. ie, For *you* to come back when refreshed in mind and spirit and make it less "rough" as you put it....insert punctuation, decide if you were going to keep the tradition of capitalizing first words of a line or capitalize as you would normally...
Looks good, reads and scans good...<nod> yep...
Couple verb-tense disagreements to watch for...but I figured that was part of its roughness...
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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revision
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters in cyberspace
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words
settle them selves on electronic paper.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that opens the vacuum,
the words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
like drops of acid rain.
Sporadic staccato
matching her breath,
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
Like death.
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters in cyberspace
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words
settle them selves on electronic paper.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that opens the vacuum,
the words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
like drops of acid rain.
Sporadic staccato
matching her breath,
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
Like death.
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Re: revision
Abs. I sat for some time simply staring at the screen after reading this, hardly daring to breathe. A truly eloquent interpretation of pain, emotion, and the transferrence of that pain to inadequate words. Only this time, they are not inadequate.
This poem speaks to me, on a very personal level, which is probably why I like it so much (although 'like' is not quite the right word).
I agreed with Liar, and Rem, and the revisions to capitalisation and punctuation have simply added to the overall effect.
Thank you for sharing.
Mat
ABSTRUSE said:
Abs. I sat for some time simply staring at the screen after reading this, hardly daring to breathe. A truly eloquent interpretation of pain, emotion, and the transferrence of that pain to inadequate words. Only this time, they are not inadequate.
This poem speaks to me, on a very personal level, which is probably why I like it so much (although 'like' is not quite the right word).
I agreed with Liar, and Rem, and the revisions to capitalisation and punctuation have simply added to the overall effect.
Thank you for sharing.
Mat
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Apr 11, 2002
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- 21,061
I agree with what has been said. It's a powerful poem, and well written. There are a couple of minor changes that I think would help make it sharper, stronger, simply by removing some superfluous words and rephrasing others. For you to use or toss:
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
reborn in words
and settle on cyberspace.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that open the vacuum, *
the words inhale their first breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
* I'm not sure about the use of the word "vacuum" when in conjunction with "inhale their first breath." You can't really inhale the vaccum.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
White saline rivulets
burn down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops
in time with her staccato breath, **
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
** "as her staccato breath," would also work, if you don't feel it's pushing the "as..." structure too far.
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
reborn in words
and settle on cyberspace.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that open the vacuum, *
the words inhale their first breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
* I'm not sure about the use of the word "vacuum" when in conjunction with "inhale their first breath." You can't really inhale the vaccum.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
White saline rivulets
burn down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops
in time with her staccato breath, **
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
** "as her staccato breath," would also work, if you don't feel it's pushing the "as..." structure too far.
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Apr 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,061
Well, if that is it, then I would rephrase the whole thing to:minsue said:I had read it as the vaccuum being caused by the words inhaling, not the words inhaling the vaccuum.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first breath,
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
It might work even better, because it picks up the "as..." structure even earlier in the poem.
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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- Mar 4, 2003
- Posts
- 50,094
Lauren Hynde said:I agree with what has been said. It's a powerful poem, and well written. There are a couple of minor changes that I think would help make it sharper, stronger, simply by removing some superfluous words and rephrasing others. For you to use or toss:
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
reborn in words
and settle on cyberspace.
Trembling fingers press buttons
that open the vacuum, *
the words inhale their first breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
* I'm not sure about the use of the word "vacuum" when in conjunction with "inhale their first breath." You can't really inhale the vaccum.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
White saline rivulets
burn down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops
in time with her staccato breath, **
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
** "as her staccato breath," would also work, if you don't feel it's pushing the "as..." structure too far.
What a jackass I am, I can't believe I did that.
I'll have to revise again.Thanks Lauren.
Remec
Master Glomper
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- Jun 28, 2003
- Posts
- 8,454
ABSTRUSE said:Thank you Remec.
Could you elaborate on the verb-tense disagreements, I have brain damage today...lol.
~A~
hehehe
You caught them, I think. There was "opens" in reference to the buttons...it sounds okay when you read it because of the "that", but when you reread or stop to reflect on the meaning, you realize it's not "that" doing the opening, but the buttons...just little things like that...
And, like I said, I figured you'd spot them or someone would spot them for you...that's what this is all about, right? <g>
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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- Mar 4, 2003
- Posts
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Re-revised
Okay, I redid it again. Does this look submission worthy?
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words
settle them selves in cyberspace..
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops.
in time with her staccato breath
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
Like death.
Okay, I redid it again. Does this look submission worthy?
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words
settle them selves in cyberspace..
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
“Look at us you fool”
They laugh,
“Honesty deceived you.”
They blow through the screen
like sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops.
in time with her staccato breath
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
Like death.
tungtied2u
Not necessary
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- Apr 7, 2004
- Posts
- 2,704
Dear Jane
If Dear Jane is the title....ok.
If it's part of the poem...it's confusing.. imho.
Otherwise, amazing.
If Dear Jane is the title....ok.
If it's part of the poem...it's confusing.. imho.
Otherwise, amazing.
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Apr 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,061
Re: Re-revised
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words,
settle themselves in cyberspace..
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen,
as sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops,
in time with her staccato breath
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
***
There. Punctuation and grammar.
I like Dear Jane, whether it's the title or not. Other than that, I still think it would be stronger with the other suggestions, but it's your poem.
Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words,
settle themselves in cyberspace..
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen,
as sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops,
in time with her staccato breath
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
***
There. Punctuation and grammar.
I like Dear Jane, whether it's the title or not. Other than that, I still think it would be stronger with the other suggestions, but it's your poem.
Last edited:
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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- Posts
- 50,094
Re: Re: Re-revised
Dear Jane is the title.
I came here for suggestions and everyone was wonderful, I will fix the punctuation(not my best strongpoint) and build up to become a beret wearing poetry reading beatnik....cool!
Lauren Hynde said:Dear Jane.
Kinetic letters,
askew and independent,
becoming reborn in words,
settle themselves in cyberspace..
Trembling fingers press buttons
that create the vacuum,
as words inhale their first new breath
and speak to tear-filled eyes.
Innocent little assassins
cut right through her heart
and rip it from her chest.
"Look at us, you fool,"
they laugh.
"Honesty deceived you."
They blow through the screen,
as sand and sleet,
stinging her eyes.
Burning white saline rivulets
run down her face
splattering the keyboard,
as acid rain drops,
in time with her staccato breath
tapping away at the keys
until both are silent.
As death.
***
There. Punctuation and grammar.
I like Dear Jane, whether it's the title or not. Other than that, I still think it would be stronger with the other suggestions, but it's your poem.
Dear Jane is the title.
I came here for suggestions and everyone was wonderful, I will fix the punctuation(not my best strongpoint) and build up to become a beret wearing poetry reading beatnik....cool!
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Posts
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Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Posts
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Oh, there's a "." too many, after "cyberspace."
