When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[HumpDayHoratio]

I wonder how old women have to get to not want sex anymore...

And when youre older... what if one person is disabled or something and cant have sex?

In these situations where there's no sex at all... does the partner not wanting/ able to do it obligated to let the other person have physical relationships with other people?

If you’re truly interested in the answers to a couple of these questions, go find the Menopause threads. Our Lit Ladies are a wealth of information and you’ll walk away with answers and a new appreciation of what, as couples, you’ll face with spouse/SO.

I’m starting the journey down this path now (as has been well documented on other threads) with my wife. Menopause has been an absolute show stopper for her. She’s capable and willing but has no “desire” like she did. There is some element of depression about losing her ovulation period that plays into this.

She has started using CBD related menopause creases and ointments and that has helped with the physical side of the equation but the “switch” hasn’t flipped as an above poster stated. We’re keeping our fingers crossed this will eventually click. She’s also in a support group online with women who are going through the same phase of life.

Every woman and couple are different. Just perusing this forum you will find that many of us have and are dealing with this subject in different ways. Myself, I’ve decided that I’ll only go so far. If she quits on me, I wont be a martyr for her. Thankfully she isn’t there and still enjoys sex, albeit less frequently than before.

 

[Strixaluco]

There is some element of depression about losing her ovulation period that plays into this.

Losing the hormones is a major physical depressor actually - just like low testosterone levels are for men. Unfortunately often it is not taken into account in hormone replacement therapy. Most doctors think it's enough to treat just as much as is needed to get the hot flushes to disappear although those are the first symptoms to ease. Mental health may need a LOT more - several times the dose for hot flushes.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

Losing the hormones is a major physical depressor actually - just like low testosterone levels are for men. Unfortunately often it is not taken into account in hormone replacement therapy. Most doctors think it's enough to treat just as much as is needed to get the hot flushes to disappear although those are the first symptoms to ease. Mental health may need a LOT more - several times the dose for hot flushes.

Good info and I’ll pass it along. She’s talked about the hormone replacement therapy but hasn’t followed through with it. So far the hot flashes haven’t been a huge thing, yet. Mostly physical changes (dryness and irritation during sex) and as mentioned, the loss of ovulation and associated depression.

 

[Strixaluco]

Good info and I’ll pass it along. She’s talked about the hormone replacement therapy but hasn’t followed through with it. So far the hot flashes haven’t been a huge thing, yet. Mostly physical changes (dryness and irritation during sex) and as mentioned, the loss of ovulation and associated depression.

The loss of ovulation will stay, of course, but the others should be eased afaik. And the depression is a major symptom in my opinion.
It's still future for me, unfortunately I can't link the sources I've learned from as they are in Finnish. (One very active and up-to-date gynecologist.)

 

[shizzz]

It’s interesting I really like Esther Perel’s perspective when she talks about the “shadow of the third”. She wrote two really excellent books Mating In Captivity and The State of Affairs.

She counsels a lot of couples through infidelity. She doesn’t recommend struggling couples have an affair but admits it can sometimes bring out something in us when that shadow of the third exists.

Perhaps the threat increases the thrill for some? It reminds people that what they have is actually desires by others. That things can be taken away or for granted and are worth more effort or attention than previously thought. That shadow can shock some out of apathy and complacency.

I’ve never had an affair personally and could never do it to get back at my wife or simply as a way to get a reaction.

I never want to have an affair because that would eat away at part of me. But at the same time I could understand how tempting it would be to find someone attractive and know they want me and we could have tons of passionate sex. Especially someone who validated the sexual part of my nature which I feel I either have to either hide or let fo unfulfilled.

I have no idea how long I’ll hold out against what sometimes feels like an unavoidable trajectory.

This speaks a lot to me. After 2 years of marriage my wife had an affair. We stuck back together for the kids, but sex has never been the same.

I never feel truly wanted, cause she’s always wanted someone else it seems. But I told myself it was fine. I have my monthly shack up and we are good. I also told myself I’d have a chance for an affair, and I’d take it and maybe that would help me understand.

After 20 years of marriage and me not wearing my wedding ring if not been hit on. Not once. So it’s not her. I guess the rest the world sides with her.

It really is me….not sure why or how, but I guess this is how it’s meant to be. Sometimes I find myself hoping for ED, so she can know what it feels like to ‘be too tired, or not in the mood, or whatever’.

Truth is I just want to give up on the idea of ever being wanted, and let my sex life ( well dreams really cuz there ain’t much life to it) so I’ll stop being tortured knowing that even if a woman really wanted me. I wouldn’t be able to anyway. Maybe then I’ll know what it feels like to be her?

 

[Bobby969]

Doesn't sleep in the same bed, no intimacy, not open to talking about anything

Why bi now...

 

[Vinylguy]

This speaks a lot to me. After 2 years of marriage my wife had an affair. We stuck back together for the kids, but sex has never been the same.

I never feel truly wanted, cause she’s always wanted someone else it seems. But I told myself it was fine. I have my monthly shack up and we are good. I also told myself I’d have a chance for an affair, and I’d take it and maybe that would help me understand.

After 20 years of marriage and me not wearing my wedding ring if not been hit on. Not once. So it’s not her. I guess the rest the world sides with her.

It really is me….not sure why or how, but I guess this is how it’s meant to be. Sometimes I find myself hoping for ED, so she can know what it feels like to ‘be too tired, or not in the mood, or whatever’.

Truth is I just want to give up on the idea of ever being wanted, and let my sex life ( well dreams really cuz there ain’t much life to it) so I’ll stop being tortured knowing that even if a woman really wanted me. I wouldn’t be able to anyway. Maybe then I’ll know what it feels like to be her?

Brother, trust me ED is something you don’t want to wish for!

 

[Noor]

Similar to advice of comedian Billy Connolly for men as they age:

"Never waste an erection, never walk past a toilet and never trust a fart"

And yet, I’m sure men do it all the time

 

[Tessinwales]

When I was married my husband could never please me in bed. So I met guys off the internet and took my pleasure with who I wanted. I felt no guilt at all.

 

[XShadynzX]

My life... except that he's quite happy for me to orally satisfy him..but he will NOT reciprocate. EVER. Not once in 40 years of marriage.
FML

 

[Strixaluco]

My life... except that he's quite happy for me to orally satisfy him..but he will NOT reciprocate. EVER. Not once in 40 years of marriage.
FML

Wonder what goes in his mind. Does he think female pleasure doesn't exist, or doesn't matter?

 

[vibes]

Uhm ... answering the thread title: it is hardly gonna end well

 

[XShadynzX]

Wonder what goes in his mind. Does he think female pleasure doesn't exist, or doesn't matter?

I think I didn't explain that properly. Sorry..He DOES touch me but only when he 's in the mood..or not tired. And its only ever mutual masturbation. Can't remember what it feels like to have a penis inside me...
He will never ever give me oral pleasure. It took me years to get him to allow me to orally pleasure him ...

 

[Strixaluco]

I think I didn't explain that properly. Sorry..He DOES touch me but only when he 's in the mood..or not tired. And its only ever mutual masturbation. Can't remember what it feels like to have a penis inside me...
He will never ever give me oral pleasure. It took me years to get him to allow me to orally pleasure him ...

So he's got an issue with oral in general.

 

[XShadynzX]

So he's got an issue with oral in general.

yep..Anyway. I don't know why I posted in here...maybe cuz I got rejected tonight..again
Sorry

 

[Strixaluco]

yep..Anyway. I don't know why I posted in here...maybe cuz I got rejected tonight..again
Sorry

 

[XShadynzX]

Thanks @Strixaluco

 

[Strixaluco]

Thanks @Strixaluco

I've been there - not even mutual masturbation - so I know... And had my late husband endured longer with the disease, it could have been years more. I definitely forgot what an intercourse feels like.

Looking back, I should have left already before he got diagnosed, as he definitely had an attitude problem.

 

[XShadynzX]

I've been there - not even mutual masturbation - so I know... And had my late husband endured longer with the disease, it could have been years more. I definitely forgot what an intercourse feels like.

Looking back, I should have left already before he got diagnosed, as he definitely had an attitude problem.

 

[SexyGeorge]

Im hot horny and ready to give you attention baby..

I so feel this. And it makes me feel like I have to beg for attention. He only touches me when he wants a hand job.

We've been together 20 years and he's been impotent for a long time because he didn't take care of himself. Our sex life consists of me giving him hand jobs and taking care of myself when I'm alone. Otherwise we have a great relationship but I feel like we're more roommates than lovers.

 

[shizzz]

When I was married my husband could never please me in bed. So I met guys off the internet and took my pleasure with who I wanted. I felt no guilt at all.

Was there zero conversation? Did he have the same liberties? Safest/testing?

Sorry for Q bomb, just super curious on approach

 

[Newreality]

Corn vs. Flour torillas. The age old question.

 

[mortis]

Corn vs. Flour torillas. The age old question.

Double decker taco best of both worlds.

 

[NightOfPassion2]

My life... except that he's quite happy for me to orally satisfy him..but he will NOT reciprocate. EVER. Not once in 40 years of marriage.
FML

He....is... Missing out...

We've gone the Pg route...
"Get together" is supposed to be a code for something sexual.

37 years married...was great...now groan...
Sleep in seperate rooms...sometimes due to one has a cold but till it's beyond the Pg zone.....why...

 

[Hornymistepdad]

My life... except that he's quite happy for me to orally satisfy him..but he will NOT reciprocate. EVER. Not once in 40 years of marriage.
FML

That sucks too, I am a man WHO loves to taste and clean wet pussy, the sweet Honey taste. Yummy