When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[OrdinaryPerson]

You know as well as I do, dear OP: in reality the gamut is far wider than you are making it out to b

I didnt realize you were from europe. Of course you didnt know what "usps" was. Sorry for being a stereotypical ego-centric american. I was generally kidding and not making fun of you with my previous comment.

 

[adamISOeve]

Thanks and I appreciate your comment

 

[Wishingbox]

Thanks and I appreciate your comment

Earlier your comment your said you wife is supportive of this connection.

Can you share how that came about through conversation and how this rekindled communication seems to effect her (pros and cons)?

 

[adamISOeve]

Earlier your comment your said you wife is supportive of this connection.

Can you share how that came about through conversation and how this rekindled communication seems to effect her (pros and cons)?

WB, better read my post again. I did not say "she is suportive" but instead my own attitude towards her is far better and more relaxed, and accepting of our marital situation, when I'm able to to thrive on intimacy and more gifted to me from outside our marriage.

 

[Poetryinmotionxo]

Play with myself multiple times a day

 

[vibes]

Play with myself multiple times a day

Harmless at least

 

[Smarthomanid2]

Play with myself multiple times a day

I'd love to assist with that, I'll bring my toy collection.

 

[Bbl87]

Has anyone considered medical intervention for the more desirous spouse? My wife will never have sex again, and has said as much. I would love to never have a sexual desire again so that she wouldn’t think I am so weak. I know that drugs exist to keep certain sex offenders from re- offending. Maybe these could have the same effect toward saving marriages?

I would think the potential side effects of such medications wouldn't be worth it. Might also be an ethical question for the doctor.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Has anyone considered medical intervention for the more desirous spouse? My wife will never have sex again, and has said as much. I would love to never have a sexual desire again so that she wouldn’t think I am so weak. I know that drugs exist to keep certain sex offenders from re- offending. Maybe these could have the same effect toward saving marriages?

Jesus Christ! You have to love that woman a whole lot to consider messing up your body to align with her choices. That's way beyond the call of duty.

What's weak about having a sex drive and still desiring a woman you obviously love?

 

[youneedatonguelashing]

Jesus Christ! You have to love that woman a whole lot to consider messing up your body to align with her choices. That's way beyond the call of duty.

What's weak about having a sex drive and still desiring a woman you obviously love?

I came to this same conclusion, I seriously looked at ways to decrease my own libido, thinking that reducing the stress in our relationship about sex would make things better for us. I soon decided that kind of drastic measure was crazy thinking, there isn't anything wrong with me or my sex drive. I am a normal natural and healthy male, I wouldn't amputate a digit to accommodate her, and I won't chemically castrate myself either. That seems tantamount to disfiguring myself, which could indicate it has become a mental health issue, in my case. I abandoned those notions completely.

 

[Drillerbm]

It's frustrating when your spouse doesn't even try anymore. Fucking sucks

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

It's frustrating when your spouse doesn't even try anymore. Fucking sucks

What does not trying look like?

 

[Wishingbox]

This business of connections, lack of sex. It confuses me. The one item I am pleased about is that I find I am not alone in my struggle to understand. It does me good to see that others have similar problems. She does not want sex any longer. Where does this leave me? I have asked that question of her. She has no answers. Infidelity would certainly receive a response from her. I have no doubt of that. Any type of communication with another woman would be viewed as cheating in her mind. So many times, I am left with my thoughts. Masturbation has given me some relief, but I truly miss the physical contact we once had. Not just the sex. Is it really just aging? I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. Have a great day.
Stephen

It’s interesting I really like Esther Perel’s perspective when she talks about the “shadow of the third”. She wrote two really excellent books Mating In Captivity and The State of Affairs.

She counsels a lot of couples through infidelity. She doesn’t recommend struggling couples have an affair but admits it can sometimes bring out something in us when that shadow of the third exists.

Perhaps the threat increases the thrill for some? It reminds people that what they have is actually desires by others. That things can be taken away or for granted and are worth more effort or attention than previously thought. That shadow can shock some out of apathy and complacency.

I’ve never had an affair personally and could never do it to get back at my wife or simply as a way to get a reaction.

I never want to have an affair because that would eat away at part of me. But at the same time I could understand how tempting it would be to find someone attractive and know they want me and we could have tons of passionate sex. Especially someone who validated the sexual part of my nature which I feel I either have to either hide or let fo unfulfilled.

I have no idea how long I’ll hold out against what sometimes feels like an unavoidable trajectory.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

Is it really just aging? I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. Have a great day.
Stephen

I wonder how old women have to get to not want sex anymore...

And when youre older... what if one person is disabled or something and cant have sex?

In these situations where there's no sex at all... does the partner not wanting/ able to do it obligated to let the other person have physical relationships with other people?

 

[Drillerbm]

It's frustrating when your spouse doesn't even try anymore. Fucking sucks

Doesn't sleep in the same bed, no intimacy, not open to talking about anything

 

[Strixaluco]

Doesn't sleep in the same bed, no intimacy, not open to talking about anything

That sounds worrisome - even for the marriage as a whole. Without talking, how can you solve anything?

 

[Wishingbox]

I wonder how old women have to get to not want sex anymore...

And when youre older... what if one person is disabled or something and cant have sex?

In these situations where there's no sex at all... does the partner not wanting/ able to do it obligated to let the other person have physical relationships with other people?

It seems like every man/woman’s drive is unique to their aging.

I imagine for some older woman who eventually stop all together that maybe they wanted to stop earlier and got tired of playing along? I know aging can impact sex but my guess is it’s more complex than just waning drive. Is it feeling desirable and confident? How much is in the head and heart Vs biological hormone changes? I guess my gut says it has less to do with age itself and more to do with other factors. (Speculating here)

Though with zero drives or health issues if there is clearly no noticeable path towards recovery I think it’s worth exploring if you can grant a pass for your partner, especially if they have a high drive. Each couple should evaluate based on how important physical affection is to the other.

 

[Drillerbm]

That sounds worrisome - even for the marriage as a whole. Without talking, how can you solve anything?

Ya cant.... need to get laid bad. A year ago I would've just went out and found someone but now I'm trying to stay faithful

 

[nicechat]

Randiness isn't always consistent and over time the randiest in a couple may swap over. Just be there in every way for each other.

 

[artconsim]

Interesting thread. I hope y'all find what you need as guiltlessly as possible.
My wife pre marriage was insatiable, and enjoyed all of it, oral, anal everything. Post kids that slowed but she still had a n appetite. I put on 30 pounds, lost interest, was too tired.... hated life.
She was quietly patient.
In the last year i've lost 30 pounds+ got on a HRT regimen and now she has no or little interest. Where as I am as horny as a teenager at 59. Go figure.
I even reduced the dosages and Im still craving a lot more. Hence being here. Read, wondering what morally I am ok with .
Good discussion. Thanks to one and all.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

I wonder how old women have to get to not want sex anymore...

And when youre older... what if one person is disabled or something and cant have sex?

In these situations where there's no sex at all... does the partner not wanting/ able to do it obligated to let the other person have physical relationships with other people?

As an older woman with a very large sex drive, I'm going to say... we're complex creatures. It's not simply determinable by age. Many, many factors play a role in whether women choose to, or choose not to, engage in sex.

When I was much younger—and I think I stated this somewhere in this thread before?—I took medication that killed my drive so dead that I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have sex again. As I matured, and came off the medication that killed my sex life (and almost me) I discovered that it wasn't simply the medication that triggered my feelings. I hate to admit it, but I haven't loved my husband in years if at all, in our 25 year marriage. I got married for all the wrong reasons; I was 27 and still a virgin. I was emotionally abused and belittled by my mother. I never dated at all, because I was told for 27 years that "men don't want big women," and that I should "lose weight, and a lot of it" to attract a suitable partner. Her attempts to scare me skinny never worked how she intended (what exactly was her intent? I don't really know...) but it destroyed my self-confidence and sense of self-worth. I married the first loser who asked me. Turns out, I jumped from the frying pan into the proverbial fire. My husband is a narcissistic fuckwad, an emotional and physical abuser, and gaslighter of almost professional status. It wasn't just the medication that dampened my libido.. it was him, too.

Our married "sex life," and I have that in quotes because we really never had a sex life to speak of, was unfulfilling and vanilla as fuck. I was still responsible for my own orgasms, but now I had someone else to get off, too. Intercourse was just not good, and very infrequent. For the Lothario he claimed to be in his youth, I never found any of that to be true. When I lost my sex drive, I seldom denied him. Eventually, he became accustomed to "one-way" intimacy, which started and ended with his orgasm. I've taken care of my own pleasure for my whole life, when I wanted or needed it. Now, he has multiple sclerosis... his ability is gone. If I stay with him, I'll never have sex again. I don't intend to stay with a man who has roughed me up in the past with no regrets and who has never taken responsibility for said abuse. "If you had been a better wife, I wouldn't have had to..." fill in the blank. And yes, he's said that to me.

When I hit 50, my body flipped a switch and suddenly, I had the sex drive of a 25 year old woman. COVID came and destroyed chances of getting out and finding a different guy. I couldn't risk bringing the virus home to my now-sickly partner. I'm one of the lucky gals here on Lit who found someone special. For the first time in my adult life, I'm truly in love and happy. He's changed my life for the better, and I can't wait until we can start our new lives together.

Not really sure where I was going with this... except to say that it's more than just age. And not every woman is the same. Some older ladies are sexually active into their 70s with little to no decrease in desire. I hope I'm one of them. As far as the last question...? I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that. Mine wants to keep me for himself, even though he's not capable.

 

[Wishingbox]

Not really sure where I was going with this... except to say that it's more than just age. And not every woman is the same. Some older ladies are sexually active into their 70s with little to no decrease in desire. I hope I'm one of them. As far as the last question...? I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that. Mine wants to keep me for himself, even though he's not capable.

Thanks for being so candid. You learned some really tough lessons and hopefully your sharing will help others realize what they’re in and ask important questions about partners and how we define our own value and self image.

This is exactly what I was getting at. Each person man or woman is different and many factors effect our drives. Some we realize some we don’t until later. So I don’t think there is a one size fits all solution or expectation on what a person will do as they get older.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

As an older woman with a very large sex drive, I'm going to say... we're complex creatures. It's not simply determinable by age. Many, many factors play a role in whether women choose to, or choose not to, engage in sex.

When I was much younger—and I think I stated this somewhere in this thread before?—I took medication that killed my drive so dead that I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have sex again. As I matured, and came off the medication that killed my sex life (and almost me) I discovered that it wasn't simply the medication that triggered my feelings. I hate to admit it, but I haven't loved my husband in years if at all, in our 25 year marriage. I got married for all the wrong reasons; I was 27 and still a virgin. I was emotionally abused and belittled by my mother. I never dated at all, because I was told for 27 years that "men don't want big women," and that I should "lose weight, and a lot of it" to attract a suitable partner. Her attempts to scare me skinny never worked how she intended (what exactly was her intent? I don't really know...) but it destroyed my self-confidence and sense of self-worth. I married the first loser who asked me. Turns out, I jumped from the frying pan into the proverbial fire. My husband is a narcissistic fuckwad, an emotional and physical abuser, and gaslighter of almost professional status. It wasn't just the medication that dampened my libido.. it was him, too.

Our married "sex life," and I have that in quotes because we really never had a sex life to speak of, was unfulfilling and vanilla as fuck. I was still responsible for my own orgasms, but now I had someone else to get off, too. Intercourse was just not good, and very infrequent. For the Lothario he claimed to be in his youth, I never found any of that to be true. When I lost my sex drive, I seldom denied him. Eventually, he became accustomed to "one-way" intimacy, which started and ended with his orgasm. I've taken care of my own pleasure for my whole life, when I wanted or needed it. Now, he has multiple sclerosis... his ability is gone. If I stay with him, I'll never have sex again. I don't intend to stay with a man who has roughed me up in the past with no regrets and who has never taken responsibility for said abuse. "If you had been a better wife, I wouldn't have had to..." fill in the blank. And yes, he's said that to me.

When I hit 50, my body flipped a switch and suddenly, I had the sex drive of a 25 year old woman. COVID came and destroyed chances of getting out and finding a different guy. I couldn't risk bringing the virus home to my now-sickly partner. I'm one of the lucky gals here on Lit who found someone special. For the first time in my adult life, I'm truly in love and happy. He's changed my life for the better, and I can't wait until we can start our new lives together.

Not really sure where I was going with this... except to say that it's more than just age. And not every woman is the same. Some older ladies are sexually active into their 70s with little to no decrease in desire. I hope I'm one of them. As far as the last question...? I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that. Mine wants to keep me for himself, even though he's not capable.

That sounds so tough. I hope you can find love and happiness. Its never too late.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I wonder how old women have to get to not want sex anymore...

And when youre older... what if one person is disabled or something and cant have sex?

In these situations where there's no sex at all... does the partner not wanting/ able to do it obligated to let the other person have physical relationships with other people?

If you’re truly interested in the answers to a couple of these questions, go find the Menopause threads. Our Lit Ladies are a wealth of information and you’ll walk away with answers and a new appreciation of what, as couples, you’ll face with spouse/SO.

I’m starting the journey down this path now (as has been well documented on other threads) with my wife. Menopause has been an absolute show stopper for her. She’s capable and willing but has no “desire” like she did. There is some element of depression about losing her ovulation period that plays into this.

She has started using CBD related menopause creases and ointments and that has helped with the physical side of the equation but the “switch” hasn’t flipped as an above poster stated. We’re keeping our fingers crossed this will eventually click. She’s also in a support group online with women who are going through the same phase of life.

Every woman and couple are different. Just perusing this forum you will find that many of us have and are dealing with this subject in different ways. Myself, I’ve decided that I’ll only go so far. If she quits on me, I wont be a martyr for her. Thankfully she isn’t there and still enjoys sex, albeit less frequently than before.

 

[Strixaluco]

There is some element of depression about losing her ovulation period that plays into this.

Losing the hormones is a major physical depressor actually - just like low testosterone levels are for men. Unfortunately often it is not taken into account in hormone replacement therapy. Most doctors think it's enough to treat just as much as is needed to get the hot flushes to disappear although those are the first symptoms to ease. Mental health may need a LOT more - several times the dose for hot flushes.