Who has the power in a D/s relationship?

[lil_slave_rose]

I never said e would hunt me down and kill me. I'm sorry if you got that impression. E would find me and bring me back to em, which is a very different thing. (And may not be what osg is referring to.)

And you know what? I would be okay with that. Because I know how eir mind works, and I know how my mind works. It's an appropriate dynamic for us - I could very easily think I want to leave without having thought it through. Like I said, I've even done that before. So it's entirely appropriate that e would find me, bring me back, and make me think. That's what it's about.

oh no, i totally get what you're saying Etoile, and i guess i should have quoted who i was referring to, not sure why i quoted you? i was tired yesterday, anyway, osg and even cat is who i was referring to because they have both said that if they were to leave their Master's would find them and i believe both of them even said they would go as far as to kill them if they found them (i know osg did) THAT is what i don't get.....i don't get it all, and it doesn't sound very healthy.....

 

[ownedsubgal]

Do any of the people who talk about an inability to leave also find that there's a component of you can't do it because of your commitment to self/commitment to who you are and what you've gotten into?

I don't ID as sub, but I definitely do feel rooted to the spot by saying I'm in it, saying "I am doing this."

I found that when bottoming, this is what made me really push into outlandish situations at times, this sense of seeing it through.

However I might have to adapt, however much I might have to change my notion of what I want - I am a slave to the relationship and to my own sense of commitment and investment, if not the man. I'm not minimizing the power the D has over you in this sense, just wondering to what degree your sense of self and self image also feeds into this.

hmm...perhaps there is a bit of that, as my sense of self revolves entirely around being his slave. however i also tend to be very fatalistic, thinking that at any moment he could tire of me and show me the door. in other words, if he were to show even the slightest hint that he no longer wants me, i'd just give up. i wouldn't try to "stick it through" or stick to my own sense of honor to the commitment i made to self. i'd just lay down and die.

 

[BiBunny]

hmm...perhaps there is a bit of that, as my sense of self revolves entirely around being his slave. however i also tend to be very fatalistic, thinking that at any moment he could tire of me and show me the door. in other words, if he were to show even the slightest hint that he no longer wants me, i'd just give up. i wouldn't try to "stick it through" or stick to my own sense of honor to the commitment i made to self. i'd just lay down and die.

How would you know something like that? I mean, like, what kinds of things would make you think he didn't want you anymore? You wouldn't want to lay down and die if you turned out to be wrong.

 

[ownedsubgal]

oh no, i totally get what you're saying Etoile, and i guess i should have quoted who i was referring to, not sure why i quoted you? i was tired yesterday, anyway, osg and even cat is who i was referring to because they have both said that if they were to leave their Master's would find them and i believe both of them even said they would go as far as to kill them if they found them (i know osg did) THAT is what i don't get.....i don't get it all, and it doesn't sound very healthy.....

in the vanilla world, where mental "health" is determined by one's ability to be emotionally and mentally stable and secure, have and enforce personal limits, and most importantly, be independently functioning...no, it's not "healthy."

but in our world, that of Master and slave, an Owner taking whatever means necessary to retrieve what belongs to them, and applying the appropriate punishment, is right, good, and and in that sense "healthy."

 

[ownedsubgal]

How would you know something like that? I mean, like, what kinds of things would make you think he didn't want you anymore? You wouldn't want to lay down and die if you turned out to be wrong.

BiBunny...because we have been there, done that. as i said, i'm fatalistic...i don't have to "know" he no longer wants me...i just have to "think" so, and sometimes the smallest things will get me thinking in that direction. that's an area where i still have much growing to do.

and by "lay down and die," i mean just giving up on the relationship, giving up on everything, no fighting or pleading.

 

[BiBunny]

BiBunny...because we have been there, done that. as i said, i'm fatalistic...i don't have to "know" he no longer wants me...i just have to "think" so, and sometimes the smallest things will get me thinking in that direction. that's an area where i still have much growing to do.

and by "lay down and die," i mean just giving up on the relationship, giving up on everything, no fighting or pleading.

Makes sense to me, osg. I can be quite insecure about such things myself. Though in my case, I'm one of those people who has to fight til the bitter end.

 

[FurryFury]

I was in a relationship once, my prior marriage in which I thought if he left I'd lay down and die. I really, really did.

I also thought I'd want to kill him. It wasn't healthy in any sense of the world. He was into very into non consent, emotional terror, rape and so on. Not the play sorts, the real deal.

This was just after he convinced me to get pregnant. That was at a time I trusted him the most because of the help he'd been to my father a couple of times while my father was dying. I was very emotionally vulnerable due to the nearly overwhelming loss of a father, business partner and my best friend.

So it was easy for me to go along with his wish to get pregnant. I'd wanted a child since we first were married, eight years before but I'd never pushed it. He didn't. In the intervening years I was too busy caring for my grandmother and father as well as in business to continue to worry about my biological clock.

Anyway, I told him I was pregnant. He immediately wanted an abortion which I refused. He acted very upset from that time on and walked out three days later saying he was "unhappy" with work.

I sobbed for two hours. Then I felt an enormous sense of relief. No long would I spent my days and nights scared of him, worried about what he wanted and trying to preserve some tiny piece of myself undamaged.

I did want to kill him though. I wanted to do it very slowly and painfully. My heart is too tender to do that or to actually kill myself it seems.

That was the beginning of a a wonderful new life for me. He was quite surprised at how totally I shut him and his "influence" off from me. The girl he thought he'd broken down and squeezed every bit of terror or angst from was a lot tougher than he or I had ever guessed. Of course I was doing for the child . . .

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

osg and even cat is who i was referring to because they have both said that if they were to leave their Master's would find them and i believe both of them even said they would go as far as to kill them if they found them (i know osg did) THAT is what i don't get.....i don't get it all, and it doesn't sound very healthy.....

Nope, I have not said he would kill me, he has much more frightening ideas than that and I have no reason to believe he would not carry through with them.

Catalina