Widows and widowers 2

[KentLondon]

It's only been a little over five months, and the intensity of the loss is the same. Has not subsided one bit. I did dip my toe on the dating apps. Bad, bad mistake. Anyway, I am just not ready, and do not know when I will be. I have a lot to work on before going out there. Lots of health problems. it would not be fair to anybody. I mean I am still crying everyday. I hope at some point to at least out there and find a friend locally. Problem is, people have lives. So it's a balancing game. Thanks for the thread.

My friend, please focus on your health first of all, both physical and mental. Find some simple things that you enjoy. Whatever form of exercise you are capable of, please do it, but take one step at a time. Find beauty in life, whether it's a walk by a lake or in the countryside. Nature has extraordinary healing powers. Good luck.

 

[Lilianna23]

Give it some time, and be kind to yourself. Hopefully things will get better than.

Thank you!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's only been a little over five months, and the intensity of the loss is the same. Has not subsided one bit. I did dip my toe on the dating apps. Bad, bad mistake. Anyway, I am just not ready, and do not know when I will be. I have a lot to work on before going out there. Lots of health problems. it would not be fair to anybody. I mean I am still crying everyday. I hope at some point to at least out there and find a friend locally. Problem is, people have lives. So it's a balancing game. Thanks for the thread.

I'm so sorry, Wok!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's natural that it takes a toll on cognitive skills and getting things done can be sooooo difficult. Those skills will recover over time.

Thank you. This feels like foreign territory to me. It's really hard to feel incompetent. OTOH, sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter. Although I know it will later. So I try to give myself those days when I just can't seem to get motivated.

 

[Lilianna23]

So sorry for your loss, as well.

I think there's a lot of point in the old time habit of mourning year. That at least nothing serious should happen before that. While the worst probably eases earlier (or we simply start to grow in comparison to the sorrow), there's a lot to deal with. The few ones that I know that have successfully dated earlier, have met another widow.

And then I want to quote myself, because this was so helpful to myself, and seems to be able to help others, too. (And I don't assume all newcomers read back the whole thread.) This advice won't make your sorrow any less, but increase your ability to cope.

This is good advice. I did read it earlier and have tried setting things up. It's been difficult for me to reach out, however. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends and family who contact me. Even my SIL, with whom I've been cordial but not ever friends. She reaches out to me to see how I am. I need to remember she also lost her brother...

 

[Lilianna23]

My friend, please focus on your health first of all, both physical and mental. Find some simple things that you enjoy. Whatever form of exercise you are capable of, please do it, but take one step at a time. Find beauty in life, whether it's a walk by a lake or in the countryside. Nature has extraordinary healing powers. Good luck.

My dog is my saving grace. She needs care daily so I can't just retreat into myself.

 

[Wok]

My friend, please focus on your health first of all, both physical and mental. Find some simple things that you enjoy. Whatever form of exercise you are capable of, please do it, but take one step at a time. Find beauty in life, whether it's a walk by a lake or in the countryside. Nature has extraordinary healing powers. Good luck.

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

 

[KentLondon]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

Have sent you a private message.

 

[Lilianna23]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them. Drawing, computers, toy collecting, and learning bass guitar are a few. Heh, but I did tune the bass guitars. Well, to the best of my limited ability. Even with the tuners, it is never 100% in tune.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Another thing this experience brought - it changed my outlook on life completely. I am listening more. Judging less. Trying to reach out and apologize for my toxic and terrible behaviors. It's not always successful. Anyway, this is quite the journey.

Please try to give yourself grace, Wok. I'm a nurse and know first hand how hard it is to care for bed-ridden patients. Having to do this day in and day out as her husband was, I'm sure, excruciating for you.

I'm glad you're in therapy to deal with your grief and guilt.

This is a good thread. I've received good advice and insight from those who are farther along in their journey than I. Everyone traverses it differently. Please remember, grief is not linear.

I wish you peace.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Grief is not in stages rather grief stages are experienced differently in time and frequently. It’s not linear.

I am pleased this forum is helping. I did not have one when I came to Lit.

 

[Lilianna23]

Grief is not in stages rather grief stages are experienced differently in time and frequently. It’s not linear.

I am pleased this forum is helping. I did not have one when I came to Lit.

I'm so grateful to you for starting this thread, B2. Grateful also to those who have gone before and generously share their wisdom, insight, and suggestions.

 

[Strixaluco]

Thank you. This feels like foreign territory to me. It's really hard to feel incompetent. OTOH, sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter. Although I know it will later. So I try to give myself those days when I just can't seem to get motivated.

Frankly, I dealt with grief partly how I dealt with depression (and I don't mean meds, they didn't help me much with depression either). And having survived depression earlier helped me believe that I'd survive grief, too, despite it doesn't feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Strixaluco]

This is good advice. I did read it earlier and have tried setting things up. It's been difficult for me to reach out, however.

It depends on the person if it's about meeting people at all.

But if for you it is, and it's hard, you could ask close people to keep in contact regularly. Perhaps even scheduling several calls or dates at once. That way it would happen even if it's difficult for you to make happen.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yeah, I need to take some walks. I have been cooped up in this house most of the day. I only go out for doctor appointments. That is not healthy. Pretty difficult to meet others in real life not going outside, either. As for hobbies, I have tons of them, but lost interest in all of them.

I feel you. I struggled with those issues, too. Regarding going out, keeping the target ridiculously low may help. Not 1h walks, but walking around the block or something. At worst even standing in the garden! You may end up doing more and that's nice - but not really the point. Even standing in the garden helps, after all.

The good thing is, I am in therapy, and have been since my wife was bedridden two years ago. The intense caregiving was extremely taxing. Not just physically, but mentally. As much as I miss her terribly, and as much as I wish she were here, I have to realize that's selfish. She is not in terrible pain anymore. Not stuck in that little bed. not having to deal with a spouse bitterly complaining and having screaming meltdowns. It was truly terrible. And yes, I am in the guilt phase. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Thanks one and all, for the very kind words. It's not easy to come by in a place like Lit.

Grief goes through the whole range of emotions, in whatever order and manner it happens to - and also sometimes all at once.

But it's also "love without home". Of course you wish she was here, you love her after all! It's not like you wish her still in pain, that's not the same thing.

We are not perfect beings. I'm not especially proud of myself in the last hours before the ambulance came, either... Not the way I would have wanted to spend the last hours together. But sometimes life brings rather unnice stress reactions, and I've forgiven myself.