Widows and widowers 2

[LillianDevereux]

Well, I still don’t know how to feel about other relationships. Lost my wife 18 months ago after 41 years married and memories still override any thoughts of a new person in my life. Perhaps more time is needed, perhaps no amount of time will change that. The thing I miss the most is the intellectual discussions we would have. Don’t get me wrong, the lovemaking and also raw sex were great, and dearly missed as well.

Physically I can get relief by myself when the urge arises. But the mind needs feeding. This is the aspect of a relationship that I most miss, and most desire. I guess I am hopeful that at some point providence will provide me with a woman who will be able to share mind and body, although I am not actively seeking.

You hit the spot! Physically indeed we all can get relief in our private moments. But the mind is a different thing all together. Besides it is becoming increasingly difficult for me in finding a “Man for all Seasons” at this stage of my life. My priorities have shifted a lot and I am looking for so many additional things as part of the package. Many of my dates also came with a lot of baggage which made me not to pursue those relationships any further. So I keep in living ‘Behind the Gate’ here in Palm Springs in my mid-century home and with ever reoccurring hyper romantic fantasies. Hope floats.

The British poet Wordsworth often referred to that good emotion is recollected in tranquility.' I think of this phrase often when I write some of my comments here at LIT. When I was at Wellesley, I frequently repeated that Wordsworth quote, but never questioned its validity. I now wonder if it's really possible to recollect emotion in tranquility. When I begin to write about these people with whom I shared so many adventures, my tranquility quickly dissipates and I find myself becoming excited from the recollection of the experiences, as if they were happening again here and now. I would like to think that I might obtain some degree of objectivity at this point in my life, but I don't know if that will happen. Best...lilly!

 

[Erosfan]

My wife has been gone a bit over three years. It is a hard thing to deal with.
I didn't want anyone else and held fast to that until I met a widow that was just looking for a friend.
It's nice to have someone to spend time with.

 

[Lilianna23]

My wife has been gone a bit over three years. It is a hard thing to deal with.
I didn't want anyone else and held fast to that until I met a widow that was just looking for a friend.
It's nice to have someone to spend time with.

I'm glad you two found each other.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's nice to have someone to spend time with.

There are exceptions, but mostly humans aren't really made to be all alone. Even introverts tend to want some well-chose company at least some of the time.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

My wife has been gone a bit over three years. It is a hard thing to deal with.
I didn't want anyone else and held fast to that until I met a widow that was just looking for a friend.
It's nice to have someone to spend time with.

I’m glad you found someone who wants the same as you.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I don’t have too many moments when I feel my mortality but just did on my dog walk. I try to understand the trigger. I think it’s from seeing my brother in law last night as his mother passed away this weekend. He needed the death certificate of my late wife to resolve the estate. We realized we have experienced three family deaths within 2 years.

I feel better writing and sharing. I plan to go for a long walk this morning.

 

[Strixaluco]

We realized we have experienced three family deaths within 2 years.

I feel better writing and sharing. I plan to go for a long walk this morning.

A walk sounds like a good idea.

 

[Pairaclities]

You hit the spot! Physically indeed we all can get relief in our private moments. But the mind is a different thing all together. Besides it is becoming increasingly difficult for me in finding a “Man for all Seasons” at this stage of my life. My priorities have shifted a lot and I am looking for so many additional things as part of the package. Many of my dates also came with a lot of baggage which made me not to pursue those relationships any further. So I keep in living ‘Behind the Gate’ here in Palm Springs in my mid-century home and with ever reoccurring hyper romantic fantasies. Hope floats.

The British poet Wordsworth often referred to that good emotion is recollected in tranquility.' I think of this phrase often when I write some of my comments here at LIT. When I was at Wellesley, I frequently repeated that Wordsworth quote, but never questioned its validity. I now wonder if it's really possible to recollect emotion in tranquility. When I begin to write about these people with whom I shared so many adventures, my tranquility quickly dissipates and I find myself becoming excited from the recollection of the experiences, as if they were happening again here and now. I would like to think that I might obtain some degree of objectivity at this point in my life, but I don't know if that will happen. Best...lilly!

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Thanks Lillian, great comment. I had not read that Wordsworth quote before; my initial thought/reaction is that perhaps he meant tranquility in a global sense with regard to the psyche. In other words, being in a place of happines and satisfaction in life rather than a brief moment in a recliner. Perhaps?

 

[Lilianna23]

There are exceptions, but mostly humans aren't really made to be all alone. Even introverts tend to want some well-chose company at least some of the time.

Right now I'm relying on friends, both IRL and virtual, for company. It's too soon for a partner for me. IDK if I will ever want that again. Maybe just FWBs.

 

[Lilianna23]

I don’t have too many moments when I feel my mortality but just did on my dog walk. I try to understand the trigger. I think it’s from seeing my brother in law last night as his mother passed away this weekend. He needed the death certificate of my late wife to resolve the estate. We realized we have experienced three family deaths within 2 years.

I feel better writing and sharing. I plan to go for a long walk this morning.

 

[Strixaluco]

Right now I'm relying on friends, both IRL and virtual, for company. It's too soon for a partner for me. IDK if I will ever want that again. Maybe just FWBs.

There are so many options, something for everyone. My sister in law (even older than my late partner, closer to 30 years my senior) found a new partner after becoming a widow, and while they spend lots of time together, they decided to never move together. They live something like max 1km from each other, a walkable distance that is, and both keep their own houses.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

My GF and I like the together living apart arrangement (TLA). Neither of us want to move in with each other - done that!

 

[Strixaluco]

I personally find myself wanting more time together than I can practically have with my current partner living 1h commute from each other. I'm not fully used to living alone, and perhaps never will be. Heck, I yearned for proper companionship for even majority of the time I lived with my late husband...

But one day, perhaps... He's of the slowly warming and adapting kind.

 

[Lilianna23]

There are so many options, something for everyone. My sister in law (even older than my late partner, closer to 30 years my senior) found a new partner after becoming a widow, and while they spend lots of time together, they decided to never move together. They live something like max 1km from each other, a walkable distance that is, and both keep their own houses.

I'm in no hurry. I can wait to see what fate, the universe, etc, has in store for me.

 

[Lilianna23]

I personally find myself wanting more time together than I can practically have with my current partner living 1h commute from each other. I'm not fully used to living alone, and perhaps never will be. Heck, I yearned for proper companionship for even majority of the time I lived with my late husband...

But one day, perhaps... He's of the slowly warming and adapting kind.

I hope you can get what you want.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

My late wife and I were both planners, future oriented and optimistic. Then came cancer and her passing

I try to live one day at a time, realize my plans now involve helping family and others in need. It is a hard transition from my planner and future oriented state of thinking to day to day thinking. A friend said they are not incompatible just one relays on facts and the other on feelings.

Have you noticed a change in your outlook, way of living, or feelings since your loved one passed away?

 

[Strixaluco]

Almost everything went on hold with his diagnosis. Now I'm back to planning - actually more than ever with him, he was so difficult to plan with.

 

[Lilianna23]

My late wife and I were both planners, future oriented and optimistic. Then came cancer and her passing

I try to live one day at a time, realize my plans now involve helping family and others in need. It is a hard transition from my planner and future oriented state of thinking to day to day thinking. A friend said they are not incompatible just one relays on facts and the other on feelings.

Have you noticed a change in your outlook, way of living, or feelings since your loved one passed away?

Right now, it's all still so new and seems a bit chaotic for me. I'm just trying to get through the days and be marginally productive. I imagine the planning will happen at some time.

 

[Secretintoelderly]

Right now, it's all still so new and seems a bit chaotic for me. I'm just trying to get through the days and be marginally productive. I imagine the planning will happen at some time.

 

[Strixaluco]

Right now, it's all still so new and seems a bit chaotic for me. I'm just trying to get through the days and be marginally productive. I imagine the planning will happen at some time.

The early weeks can indeed be chaotic. For me it took months when I just went through the days somehow, even after the chaotic period.

 

[Lilianna23]

The early weeks can indeed be chaotic. For me it took months when I just went through the days somehow, even after the chaotic period.

I've always been the one to keep track and get things done. I feel somewhat rudderless right now. Some days I'm kind of stuck in analysis paralysis rather than do the things I know I need to do.

 

[Secretintoelderly]

I've always been the one to keep track and get things done. I feel somewhat rudderless right now. Some days I'm kind of stuck in analysis paralysis rather than do the things I know I need to do.

Give it some time, and be kind to yourself. Hopefully things will get better than.

 

[Wok]

It's only been a little over five months, and the intensity of the loss is the same. Has not subsided one bit. I did dip my toe on the dating apps. Bad, bad mistake. Anyway, I am just not ready, and do not know when I will be. I have a lot to work on before going out there. Lots of health problems. it would not be fair to anybody. I mean I am still crying everyday. I hope at some point to at least out there and find a friend locally. Problem is, people have lives. So it's a balancing game. Thanks for the thread.

 

[Strixaluco]

I've always been the one to keep track and get things done. I feel somewhat rudderless right now. Some days I'm kind of stuck in analysis paralysis rather than do the things I know I need to do.

It's natural that it takes a toll on cognitive skills and getting things done can be sooooo difficult. Those skills will recover over time.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's only been a little over five months, and the intensity of the loss is the same. Has not subsided one bit. I did dip my toe on the dating apps. Bad, bad mistake. Anyway, I am just not ready, and do not know when I will be. I have a lot to work on before going out there. Lots of health problems. it would not be fair to anybody. I mean I am still crying everyday. I hope at some point to at least out there and find a friend locally. Problem is, people have lives. So it's a balancing game. Thanks for the thread.

So sorry for your loss, as well.

I think there's a lot of point in the old time habit of mourning year. That at least nothing serious should happen before that. While the worst probably eases earlier (or we simply start to grow in comparison to the sorrow), there's a lot to deal with. The few ones that I know that have successfully dated earlier, have met another widow.

And then I want to quote myself, because this was so helpful to myself, and seems to be able to help others, too. (And I don't assume all newcomers read back the whole thread.) This advice won't make your sorrow any less, but increase your ability to cope.

Regarding plans, the best advice I ever got was to always have something to wait for. It may be small big, but have something. A weekly hobby that you are able to enjoy, coffee with friends, yous sister visiting, a trip, a peer group meeting... Even just a weekly call that matters! Whatever. I noticed I need to something to wait for every single week, biweekly wasn't enough for me.