Widows and widowers 2

[imamdboy]

I said I was fine for 5 years, and I meant it! I wasn't, but I thought comparatively I was making it OK. I had a comeuppance on the first anniversary of her death (near Christmas) but powered on through. Each year I could look back and realize, "Hey, I wasn't quite OK, but I'm better now." By the end of the 4th year I was reoriented to being a single rather than a couple with half of me missing. I'm sure the timing is different for all of us, and that we share some measure of hopeful self-delusion about where we are.

Lucky to have good IRL friends, including a dear friend whose wife died 2 months before mine. Did some self-care and "journaled" every day. 7 years out now, and I still journal a lot, if not every day. Had one early romance that went from year 1 to 4. That helped, but I'm glad she realized my overreaction to a new relationship. Maybe I'll stay single--comfortable with that now. Maybe I'll find someone who's a match and cohabitate. Can't quite summon the imagination to think I'll feel like a couple again very quickly.

Oh man, I stupidly thought i was ready for the 1 year mark. Crash and burn time to be honest. I keep having stupid little things trip me up, hearing a song she loved or grabbing something at the grocery store that I would buy for her (i didn't like at all). The things that help me the most are 4 of my (16) grands i see regularly and they are such a joy. I will bake with them when they are over since my wife used to do it with them. My 7 year old grand daughter asks me to go to the grave and her brothers all join in as well. They will say that they miss Nanna and so we talk about things we did or that she said.

One thing that i am not sure is normal from talking to my family is that i can talk about her and be happy about it. My Mom and sister both lost there husbands recently (3 & 4 years ago) and they both can't talk about them without breaking down. I love talking about Jo, i always have. She truly was my other half, she completed me and made me whole.

 

[imamdboy]

Most of my friends are nurses, as am I. They ask me these questions. I know what to do, but have had difficulty at times doing it. Concentrating on the little things, like drinking enough water, helps to order my mind. Having my little dog also helps so much. I must be present in order to care for her.

I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds" and trying to just take care of the basic things.

THANK YOU for your "service" Nurses are really special people. My wife was a nurse and now her (our, not by blood but by love) youngest daughter is as well.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's 3 years in 2 days, almost to the hour.

I don't commemorate. I haven't visited his grave in 2 years. I don't mourn him.

They say "sorrow is love that has become homeless". My love died 9 months after his death, with certain revelation. (Dig back this thread if you want to know, I don't care to repeat it once more.) I don't harbour resentment, I've worked with that and I know he did love me even despite what he did. I do have some emotional scars though, and I doubt they ever totally disappear.

And frankly, I am happy I can say he wasn't my last, and there's a strand of malice included in that joy.

In fact, I am happier than ever with him.

 

[BenHoping]

Oh man, I stupidly thought i was ready for the 1 year mark. Crash and burn time to be honest. I keep having stupid little things trip me up, hearing a song she loved or grabbing something at the grocery store that I would buy for her (i didn't like at all). The things that help me the most are 4 of my (16) grands i see regularly and they are such a joy. I will bake with them when they are over since my wife used to do it with them. My 7 year old grand daughter asks me to go to the grave and her brothers all join in as well. They will say that they miss Nanna and so we talk about things we did or that she said.

One thing that i am not sure is normal from talking to my family is that My Mom and sister both lost there husbands recently (3 & 4 years ago) and they both can't talk about them without breaking down. I love talking about Jo, i always have. She truly was my other half, she completed me and made me whole.

"i can talk about her and be happy about it."
That's a good thing--a very good thing. I love keeping her alive in collective memories. Sometimes even now a memory will sneak in and choke me up, but I love keeping the memory alive. I love hearing other's memories of her.

Yeah, being happy talking about her--that's a good thing. To the extent possible it's far better to be happy about what once was than morose about what is no more.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

After 2 years, I have been able to see my wife as an imperfect human who I dearly loved regardless of her faults. It took a year before I could remember her that way and it has helped me move forward. Once I met a woman at a fund raising gala who reminded me so much of my late wife I was overwhelmed. After sleeping on this meeting I realized she was my fantasy replacement for my wife. At that point I decided it was time to learn who I was without my wife.

 

[Lilianna23]

Totally understandable, it takes more than a few weeks for it to even out. In fact, here some mourning peer support weekends only take people for whom 6 months has passed, because before that the feelings can be so all over the place.


I got one piece of advice that actually helped, so I'm spreading it forward: arrange it so that you always have something positive to wait for. Doesn't matter if it's big or small thing, and you know best what works for you. Hot bath, a long walk in nature, meeting a friend, some trip... Whatever! The one I heard this from had waited for many weeks for a peer support activity day. I seemed to need something every week for it to be effective, and for me (still during the pandemic, with limited travelling) it was often a long walk while calling a trusted friend.

It doesn't make you stop mourning (that would even be unhealthy), but it helps you through it.

I saw you mentioned this earlier in the thread. I have been scheduling tasks, projects, and some fun things so that I have something to do every day. It's helpful advice! Thank you!

 

[Lilianna23]

I said I was fine for 5 years, and I meant it! I wasn't, but I thought comparatively I was making it OK. I had a comeuppance on the first anniversary of her death (near Christmas) but powered on through. Each year I could look back and realize, "Hey, I wasn't quite OK, but I'm better now." By the end of the 4th year I was reoriented to being a single rather than a couple with half of me missing. I'm sure the timing is different for all of us, and that we share some measure of hopeful self-delusion about where we are.

Lucky to have good IRL friends, including a dear friend whose wife died 2 months before mine. Did some self-care and "journaled" every day. 7 years out now, and I still journal a lot, if not every day. Had one early romance that went from year 1 to 4. That helped, but I'm glad she realized my overreaction to a new relationship. Maybe I'll stay single--comfortable with that now. Maybe I'll find someone who's a match and cohabitate. Can't quite summon the imagination to think I'll feel like a couple again very quickly.

I have been able to say "No" when asked if I'm OK. That's about it for now. Some days I don't know how I am. But it's still early days for me. I'm also very fortunate to have great IRL and virtual friends. My best friend is a widow and has been shepherding me through some difficult decisions.

 

[Lilianna23]

Oh man, I stupidly thought i was ready for the 1 year mark. Crash and burn time to be honest. I keep having stupid little things trip me up, hearing a song she loved or grabbing something at the grocery store that I would buy for her (i didn't like at all). The things that help me the most are 4 of my (16) grands i see regularly and they are such a joy. I will bake with them when they are over since my wife used to do it with them. My 7 year old grand daughter asks me to go to the grave and her brothers all join in as well. They will say that they miss Nanna and so we talk about things we did or that she said.

One thing that i am not sure is normal from talking to my family is that i can talk about her and be happy about it. My Mom and sister both lost there husbands recently (3 & 4 years ago) and they both can't talk about them without breaking down. I love talking about Jo, i always have. She truly was my other half, she completed me and made me whole.

Please don't allow others to define your normal. It's different for each person. I think if it gives you joy to talk about your Jo, you should continue to do so.

 

[Lilianna23]

THANK YOU for your "service" Nurses are really special people. My wife was a nurse and now her (our, not by blood but by love) youngest daughter is as well.

Thank you! I'm sure you're very proud of your daughter!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's 3 years in 2 days, almost to the hour.

I don't commemorate. I haven't visited his grave in 2 years. I don't mourn him.

They say "sorrow is love that has become homeless". My love died 9 months after his death, with certain revelation. (Dig back this thread if you want to know, I don't care to repeat it once more.) I don't harbour resentment, I've worked with that and I know he did love me even despite what he did. I do have some emotional scars though, and I doubt they ever totally disappear.

And frankly, I am happy I can say he wasn't my last, and there's a strand of malice included in that joy.

In fact, I am happier than ever with him.

 

[drobert44]

After 2 years, I have been able to see my wife as an imperfect human who I dearly loved regardless of her faults. It took a year before I could remember her that way and it has helped me move forward. Once I met a woman at a fund raising gala who reminded me so much of my late wife I was overwhelmed. After sleeping on this meeting I realized she was my fantasy replacement for my wife. At that point I decided it was time to learn who I was without my wife.

You gotta move on, mine died suddenly too......you are among the living.

 

[Dudeqwe]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going thru, but know that you’re in my thoughts.

 

[Lilianna23]

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going thru, but know that you’re in my thoughts.

Awww! Thank you, Dude!

 

[drobert44]

Awww! Thank you, Dude!

My wife died suddenly too. And, I got dating again. Pretty sure that's what she would have wanted.

 

[Lilianna23]

IDK when/if I will. It's still too soon to tell.

 

[Strixaluco]

IDK when/if I will. It's still too soon to tell.

There's no reason to rush. Early dating easily results just in bandaid relationships...

 

[Lilianna23]

I don't think I'm going to be looking for any relationships.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

There's no reason to rush. Early dating easily results just in bandaid relationships...

So true. Best to wait. I know from my bad experiences.

 

[Strixaluco]

Each to their own. The situation may also change during the first year(s).

 

[Strixaluco]

So true. Best to wait. I know from my bad experiences.

I do know some people who've happened to meet their new spouse to be just a few months into widowhood, and why reject a perfect match just because of timing? But it's a major challenge for the new relationship, because the grief is still so fresh. At least for some it's been another widow, so that both understand the need for time and space for the grieving process on the side, and the need to go slowly.

 

[drobert44]

IDK when/if I will. It's still too soon to tell.

There is no rush.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

For me, it's been 3 years and i don't want a serious, fall in love type relationship IRL.

I know someone will eventually die.

I don't wish that on myself again or anybody else.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

For those in the USA, I recently learned of a hack into my late wife’s medical insurance company. They advised me to notify the credit reporting companies of her status. I thought you might not know about doing this as I was unaware of the need to do so. Even though I have done such notifications before, it’s another reminder of loss.

 

[Lilianna23]

For those in the USA, I recently learned of a hack into my late wife’s medical insurance company. They advised me to notify the credit reporting companies of her status. I thought you might not know about doing this as I was unaware of the need to do so. Even though I have done such notifications before, it’s another reminder of loss.

Good reminder for me, B2! I did notify my husband's insurance and his Dr.

I need to cancel his credit cards...

 

[billg1421]

There's no reason to rush. Early dating easily results just in bandaid relationships...

I completely agree and can relate. A little over a year after my wife passed I "fell in love" with a lady I met on here. Turns out that I was more invested in the idea of being in love than with actual feeling. Needless to say it didn't last.
That was six years ago and I've been focusing on my own growth as an individual ever since.