Working on husband/wife sexual differences...

[enginr58]

Your wife sounds alot like my ex. I see some differences but many similarities. When things got really bad and we started becoming strangers I went to counseling and it helped me. She felt that she would be blamed for my problems and I had plenty of problems. My biggest issue it turned out was that I was depressed because the life I always wanted was falling apart before my eyes. After many fights I finally was calm enough to just state that we are either working on staying married or working on getting divorced. She said I should do whatever I want. I wanted to stay married but there was nothing left for us.
The divorce was like a slow death to me. A realization that I had failed in the most important relationship of my life. I took the full brunt of my 50% of the entire mess (ok maybe more than 50% at times). We settled 2 years ago next month. I am much better now and I have moved on.
Never think that the grass is always greener, you can end up in weeds.
I know this is not a very positive response and it really is not giving any advice. I just thought you may want to hear from someone who has gone through a horrific divorce and I still have issues that I have to deal with beacuse of my youngest.
I have a good relationship now with a wonderful woman. I guess I got lucky. No matter what happens you always look back and say "What if". In my case I look back and say "No way we would have stayed together".
Life is a strange journey. Think carefully. Feel deeply. Always follow your heart and in the end ask yourself and your wife, if you are still in love. Sometimes love is all you really need.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

There is a lot of criticism here of how I am handling this. I'm not looking for validation on this board. And it is useful to read the feedback and receive a few PMs.

Its not all her fault ? I agree.

Re: its communication or not. Just because 2 people don't agree on something doesn't mean that they haven't communicated. I'm not going to get into it. I know what you are saying. Read Gottman. 7 Steps to a Successful Marriage.

Re: exes and rose colored glasses. There is an element of truth in that but there is also no denying that my relationship with my Ex was better than my relationship with my wife. Its not just hindsight. My Ex had much better relationship skills.

"Willingness take guts -- it's not spilling your guts here, not talking ad nauseum to strangers -- it's communicating with your wife with complete honesty and she to you."

Spilling my guts here is good for me. Therapeutic. It helps me see things. Even just writing them down is good. This is like having a diary that other people read and comment on.

Communicating with my wife isn't easy. I've already told you she is a dirty fighter and we get gridlocked. And it isn't a communication thing, she already knows what I tell her and I know what she tells me. We aren't breaking new ground. The problem is finding RESOLUTION that works for both of us.

While there's always the distinct possibility that this suggestion would make things worse, but I'm thinking that if she's truly interested in "working on things," might you have her read these threads WITH you? Sign her in. Both of you communicate here, with everyone else?

Can't be a profit in your own land.

 

[Cathleen]

There is a lot of criticism here of how I am handling this. I'm not looking for validation on this board. And it is useful to read the feedback and receive a few PMs.

Its not all her fault ? I agree.

Re: its communication or not. Just because 2 people don't agree on something doesn't mean that they haven't communicated. I'm not going to get into it. I know what you are saying. Read Gottman. 7 Steps to a Successful Marriage.

Re: exes and rose colored glasses. There is an element of truth in that but there is also no denying that my relationship with my Ex was better than my relationship with my wife. Its not just hindsight. My Ex had much better relationship skills.

"Willingness take guts -- it's not spilling your guts here, not talking ad nauseum to strangers -- it's communicating with your wife with complete honesty and she to you."

Spilling my guts here is good for me. Therapeutic. It helps me see things. Even just writing them down is good. This is like having a diary that other people read and comment on.

Communicating with my wife isn't easy. I've already told you she is a dirty fighter and we get gridlocked. And it isn't a communication thing, she already knows what I tell her and I know what she tells me. We aren't breaking new ground. The problem is finding RESOLUTION that works for both of us.

I understand how writing can help and it's worthwhile.

It seems rather clear that communication is the key but what's also clear that there isn't a universal class where communication is taught. We all learn from different environments some of which have no business modeling or teaching communication.

But learning is possible. Learning effective communication is not a lost cause. Our interpersonal effectiveness can improve with learning and practice.

Maybe reading the Gottman book together can help, maybe it can open new lines of communication, new possibilities to learn new skills. There are many books etc on the subject I'm sure. Might help. If you and your wife can find a new way or style to communicate there might be some good and healthy changes in your marriage.

 

[footlongish]

"While there's always the distinct possibility that this suggestion would make things worse, but I'm thinking that if she's truly interested in "working on things," might you have her read these threads WITH you? Sign her in. Both of you communicate here, with everyone else?"

I wrote nasty stuff here about her when I was venting. And what I wrote here is mine, this was/is my place to work on my part of it. I'd like her to get off her butt and make some sort of effort other than saying "I'll try harder".

"Can't be a profit in your own land."

This isn't about right or wrong anymore, I learned this week. My situation is about me not getting my needs met. I want more intimacy. I've communicated that loud and clear. I'm not hearing a lot of discussion about it unless I continually bring it up. Lets face it, my wife either doesn't have the knowledge to deal with the situation or she doesn't want to deal with it.

Did you ever try to date the girl in highschool that could never make up her mind if she liked you or not ? That is what some women (and I supposed some men) are like. Well, the solution with those people is to move on. Either they will figure out that, yes, they really do like you and then you can move ahead with them or they won't figure it out, but YOU can move on. Its a win either way.

If you keep chatting up the girl that can't make up her mind, generally nothing changes and meanwhile you aren't getting what you need either. (A date.)

So this isn't a communication problem anymore. I complain. There is some discussion. Nothing happens. Its forgotten. 4 months elapses. Cycle repeats.

The fact that there was discussion said that something got heard. The fact that I didn't receive a memo asking me to make changes says that either I'm doing my part OK or she doesn't give a rip enough to inform me. Either way, its not worth putting more work into. If she doesn't pull her weight, then I'm pulling it for her and I'm not willing to do that anymore.