Yum & Cum

[WickedEve]

How about this small change to four...


Peanut Butter Lunch Boom

I saw him in the corner -
Lunch time it was,
But what he did to his sandwich
Had my head in a buzz.

We worked in a store
That was cheap like us,
But we smiled and had fun -
Our lives were without fuss.

He was cute and kinda tall
In a freckly sort've way.
He wore his jeans tight
And he definitely wasn't gay.

As a minimum-wage worker,
He made his own meals -
Just coffee for breakfast
And mail-order dinner deals.

But lunch was simple -
Just a coke or two,
Bag of chips and a sandwich -
Peanut butter would do.

While he sat in his chair
In the backroom quite alone,
I came to say "Hi,"
But all I could do was moan.

He held his leaky sandwich
On end like a closed book,
But butter ran down the slit
And he gave it a skillful look.

He extended his pink tongue
With the point just so -
And licked the gooey matter
Up and down, to and fro.

He parted the tanned bread -
His mouth licking broad.
I shivered and panted hotly -
For a moment he was my God.

He glanced and asked me something,
But I ran for the ladies room -
For now, my sandwich calls me
For a flicking and a boom.

[/B][/QUOTE]
Really good one!!!
But shouldn't "sort've" be "sort of?"

 

[lickmyboot]

Porncakes

I am yours
floured, creamy--
a battered tease

flesh rubbed in
hot butter
dripping through lips

sprinkled, powered
with sugar on top
tasty nipples

hot, wet, sticky
syrup-smeared
licking fingers

drizzled and devoured
I am yours.

 

[WickedEve]

Lick, you have to submit that one! I love the title! lol

Wick

 

[Rybka]

Could you be more specific? Mood, tense, meter, words?

Stanzas two and four add nothing to the poem. You can eliminate them with no harm to the work (IMHO).

Then, for example, change five from "But lunch was simple -" to "Our lunch was simple -"

Regards, Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Peanut Butter Lunch Boom

Judo, it's great having you back.

This is a great poem, and I just have some nit-pickin' to do. For one, I agree with Rybka. S2 and S4 aren't really necessary, although I love S4. On the other hand, S3 is more vital to the poem but doesn't quite tickle my fancy... Like Eve said, it's hard to chop off the fat.

Another thing I wish this had more of is metric regularity. It's not that important, but I stumbled a few times whilst reading it out loud.

And "And he gave it a skillful look."
I don't get it...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Porncakes

Love it

Especially the first and fourth stanzas,

I am yours
floured, creamy--
a battered tease
---------
hot, wet, sticky
syrup-smeared
licking fingers

Yummy

 

[JUDO]

Edited for meter and extraneous...


Peanut Butter Lunch Boom

I saw him in the corner -
Lunch time it was,
But how he ate his sandwich
Had my head in a buzz.

He was cute and kinda tall
In a freckly sort of way.
He wore his jeans tight
And he definitely wasn't gay.

A plain lunch quite simple -
Just a coke or two,
Bag of chips and a sandwich -
Peanut butter would do.

While he sat in his chair
In the backroom all alone,
I came to say "Hello,"
But all I could do was moan.

He held his leaky sandwich
On end like a closed book,
But butter ran down the slit
And he gave it a curious look.

Extending his pink tongue
With the point just so -
He licked the gooey matter
Up and down, to and fro.

He parted the tanned bread -
His mouth licking broad.
I shivered and panted hotly -
For a moment he was my God.

He glanced and asked me something,
But I ran for the ladies room -
For now, my sandwich calls me
For a flicking and a boom.

 

[Rybka]

Much Improved, Judo!

I still have a little trouble with the meter in the second and fourth lines, but it is much better with the unneeded fat flensed away.

Nice work, Rybka

 

[JUDO]

All 2nd and 4th lines or just the 2nd and 4th line of the 1st stanza?

- Judo

 

[Rybka]

Meter

Basically, all of them. When I say them out loud there is a difference in meter that does not even seem to be consistant.
Perhaps it is just my ear and Yankee accent.



Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Meter

Basically, all of them. When I say them out loud there is a difference in meter that does not even seem to be consistant.
Perhaps it is just my ear and Yankee accent.



Regards, Rybka

That's interesting that you said that. I have a friend that lives out West but was born in the North. A woman he works with had to write a poem for something. She thought ten and win rhymed just fine. When I say it out loud, with my Southern accent it, it rhymes. But when my friend says it, it doesn't. Also, where I'm from we tend to stretch our words out. I've been known to add extra syllables to words. I'll say "o-in" instead of "on." I do that with a lot of words. I'm college educated and know better, but I slip up and sound like a hick sometimes. Anyway, I was reading a poem last night, getting it ready to submit, and I was trying to make sure the meter wasn't too off. Then I realized that I was doing my syllable stretching thing, and once I corrected that, I had to work on the meter again! lol

 

[JUDO]

The meter works fine, but it is not a normal meter. It's not iambic pentameter (2 beats to five feet). It is 3 beats to four feet.

There is an old Irish folk song that has a melody that the words would almost fit, and I've been racking my brain to remember the words to it, so that you could possibly hear the rhythm the way I do, but so far, I can't.


I think the words went something like this (to the old tune):

There was a maid - Glen Ellen
Whose bright smile could raise the day.
(Blah buh-blah buh-blah buh-blah...)
(Blah buh-blah buh-blah buh-blah...)

Anyway, I can't recall the rest, but it works for me.

Peanut Butter Lunch Boom

I saw him in the corner -
Early lunch time it was,
But how he ate his sandwich
Had my head in a buzz.

He was cute and kinda tall
In a freckly sort of way.
He wore his jeans tight
And he definitely wasn't gay.

A plain lunch quite simple -
Just a coke or two,
Bag of chips and a sandwich -
Peanut butter would do.

While he sat in his chair
In the backroom all alone,
I came to say "Hello,"
But all I could do was moan.

He held his leaky sandwich
On end like a closed book,
But butter ran down the slit
And he gave it a curious look.

Extending his pink tongue
With the point just so -
He licked the gooey matter
Up and down, to and fro.

He parted the tanned bread -
His mouth licking broad.
I shivered and panted hotly -
For a moment he was my God.

He glanced and asked me something,
But I ran for the ladies room -
For now, my sandwich calls me
For a flicking and a boom.