In the beginning...the importance of a strong start to a story

[Keroin]

I want to grab you by the throat and squeeze until every flaccid sentence falls out of your brain.

Got your attention? Well, that was the idea. I’d like to talk about the importance of a strong beginning to a story. Do you know how long you have to hook the average reader? A chapter? A page? A paragraph?

Nope.

Three sentences. That’s about it. Not much.

What makes a strong beginning? The sentences in the poll are all opening lines from six books I grabbed from my shelf, (these aren’t all my books, this is a communal book exchange). Here they are again. (If you know which novels these are from, please keep that to yourself for now - I will tell eventually, I promise). Feel free to discuss!

In no particular order…

“They’re out there.”

“First the colors.”

“Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh and knew it was his own.”

“My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name Susie.”

“On the morning of the eclipse, Doreen McCloud hurried from Starbucks with the Chronicle tucked under her arm.”

“Reverend Billy Washburn sat at his desk, one hand gently rubbing the erection growing down his long, muscular thigh, the other hand thumbing through the concordance in the back of his bible.”

****
Some of these work better than others. If one or more grab your attention, why? Is there a sentence that bores you or would make you stop reading? Why?

I’ll let everyone answer before I cram my two cents down your throats but I’ll leave you with this:

At a writer’s conference I like to attend, there is a popular event that’s basically a “Writer’s Idol” workshop. Anyone who wants to, can submit the first three pages of their novel manuscript, anonymously, which will be read out to the room. Here’s the catch, a panel of agents and editors sit at the head of the room and raise their hands the minute they figure they would stop reading the story if it was taken from the slush pile on their desk. If two of the five people raise their hand, the manuscript is considered dead. They then discuss their reasons for voting it down. Very educational.

Perhaps fifty different manuscript beginnings are read. About three of those are read through to the end of the third page. Most don’t make it past the first paragraph. Some die on the first sentence.

As an audience member, it is shocking to see how many of the same kinds of mistakes are repeated over and over. Nine times out of ten I agreed with the panel’s decision. Some they liked that I didn’t, some they shot down that I liked but overall they were dead on with their choices.

What do you think makes a strong beginning?

Cheers,
K

p.s. Thanks to Penelope for the suggestion of adding a poll!

 

[ellabee]

I've always thought an interesting bit of dialog OR a shocking fact was a good way to start a story. Dialog pulls you in immediately, and the shocking fact compels you to read the next sentence.

I voted for the Rev...no idea where its from, but my conservative Catholic upbringing immediately titillates me towards the clergy and sex.

 

[Keroin]

I've always thought an interesting bit of dialog OR a shocking fact was a good way to start a story. Dialog pulls you in immediately, and the shocking fact compels you to read the next sentence.

I voted for the Rev...no idea where its from, but my conservative Catholic upbringing immediately titillates me towards the clergy and sex.

Thanks for joining in. I'll comment later.

Cheers
K

 

[Penelope Street]

I picked Susie because she seems a little odd, plus she says her name *was* Salmon, leading me to wonder what her name is now.

Like Ella, I was raised in a conservative, religious family, but I had the opposite reaction to the masturbating reverend- he is of no interest to me.

 

[CWatson]

Not primarily on-topic, but I wanted to also mention the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which people compete over who can create the worst first sentence for a story. They just submit only that first sentence. My personal favorite is 2007's winner:

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.

As to the actual thread, I think it definitely is important to grab The Reader with something memorable and interesting, and hopefully within the first sentence or so. The scope of it kind of depends on the length of the story itself, of course--if you're writing a novel, you think of your "hook" as being the first chapter, not just what goes on before your first punctuation mark. (Though I suppose, if you wanted, you could have a chapter that was one long sentence. But God please don't.) Dialogue and/or shocking fact is good.

 

[Keroin]

I picked Susie because she seems a little odd, plus she says her name *was* Salmon, leading me to wonder what her name is now.

You are onto something very important here.

As to the actual thread, I think it definitely is important to grab The Reader with something memorable and interesting, and hopefully within the first sentence or so. The scope of it kind of depends on the length of the story itself, of course--if you're writing a novel, you think of your "hook" as being the first chapter, not just what goes on before your first punctuation mark. (Though I suppose, if you wanted, you could have a chapter that was one long sentence. But God please don't.) Dialogue and/or shocking fact is good.

Hm, yes and no. I think an established novelist has the luxury of drawing out the hook but a newcomer really has to make those first 3 - 5 pages count, in order to rise out of the slush pile. This doesn't mean that the opening has to have car chases and explosions and wild sex - though, I have nothing against any of those things - but it does have to have something that can make someone who gets 500 - 1000 manuscripts a week sit up and take notice.

Interestingly, I've heard many editors say they dislike manuscripts that open with dialogue. Not my opinion at all but worth noting.

BTW, loved that horrible opening sentence!

 

[Penelope Street]

At a writer’s conference I like to attend, there is a popular event that’s basically a “Writer’s Idol” workshop. Anyone who wants to, can submit the first three pages of their novel manuscript, anonymously, which will be read out to the room. Here’s the catch, a panel of agents and editors sit at the head of the room and raise their hands the minute they figure they would stop reading the story if it was taken from the slush pile on their desk. If two of the five people raise their hand, the manuscript is considered dead. They then discuss their reasons for voting it down. Very educational.

I'm jealous.

You are onto something very important here.

I don't know how important it is, but if you mean that openings are the place to raise questions rather than answer them, I agree with you.

I think it definitely is important to grab The Reader with something memorable and interesting, and hopefully within the first sentence or so. The scope of it kind of depends on the length of the story itself, of course--if you're writing a novel, you think of your "hook" as being the first chapter, not just what goes on before your first punctuation mark.

Hm, yes and no. I think an established novelist has the luxury of drawing out the hook but a newcomer really has to make those first 3 - 5 pages count, in order to rise out of the slush pile. This doesn't mean that the opening has to have car chases and explosions and wild sex - though, I have nothing against any of those things - but it does have to have something that can make someone who gets 500 - 1000 manuscripts a week sit up and take notice.

This touches on an issue I mentioned in Logan's story discussion: reader trust; and editors are readers, after all. The more trust we have in an author, the longer we'll give the story to involve us.

So when an editor starts reading a story from an unknown (to them) writer, I can see them making a snap decision within several sentences. Who hasn't picked up a book in store do the same thing: read the first few sentences, then put it back on the shelf?

When reading stories on Literotica, I usually give an unknown author a handful of paragraphs before giving up, but sometimes the first sentence is enough for me. For instance, in the example above regarding the reverend, not only is the topic of no interest to me, but the sentence contains gently rubbing. Isn't that a class extraneous adverb? Wouldn't caressing or massaging or fondling work better. I doubt I'd have read the second sentence of this story, regardless of where I found it.

On the other hand, I've read books I purchased because I liked another of the author's stories, only to finish it and wonder why I bothered- so sometimes trust alone will carry me all the way to the end of a story.

Interestingly, I've heard many editors say they dislike manuscripts that open with dialogue. Not my opinion at all but worth noting.

I've heard of this before too, but I've yet to hear it from an editor- go figure.

 

[loganforester]

I chose

“Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh and knew it was his own.”


For the simple reason that it has an implied question to start things off. I ask myself why was his flesh burning and want to read on to find out why it was. If the purpose of the first sentence is to "hook" the reader giving them an implied question that they'll want to learn the answer to is a good way of getting them interested.

 

[Penelope Street]

“Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh and knew it was his own.”

To me, this one is like a new boyfriend showing up for your first date with a dozen red roses and a box of Dutch chocolate- there is such a thing as trying too hard!

I thought the one about Doreen was second best- I want to know why she's in a hurry and who hasn't been running late before, so we can identify with her right away.

 

[Keroin]

I voted for the Rev...no idea where its from, but my conservative Catholic upbringing immediately titillates me towards the clergy and sex.

There is something important going on in that sentence about the Reverend but it's very subtle. Yes, subtle. More about this later.

I don't know how important it is, but if you mean that openings are the place to raise questions rather than answer them, I agree with you.

This touches on an issue I mentioned in Logan's story discussion: reader trust; and editors are readers, after all. The more trust we have in an author, the longer we'll give the story to involve us.

I chose

“Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh and knew it was his own.”


For the simple reason that it has an implied question to start things off. I ask myself why was his flesh burning and want to read on to find out why it was. If the purpose of the first sentence is to "hook" the reader giving them an implied question that they'll want to learn the answer to is a good way of getting them interested.

My first point: Questions.

A good opening line should make a reader start to question. Almost all of the sentences in the poll do this to some extent. Even something as simple as, "They're out there", makes us wonder who they are, where out is, and why are they out there while the narrator is in here? Hm. (Also, there are undertones of paranoia to this sentence but I'll get back to that).

I just popped over to the story section and grabbed a few first lines that I thought inspired few or no questions. (Apologies to the authors - if you see yours here and want it removed, just say the word).

"She is beautiful – petite, long dark hair, flashing dark eyes, slender and athletic."

About the only thing I don't know is who she is.

"The brutal cold that brought shrieks of discomfort to four of the women leaving the church late that Saturday afternoon was typical for Calgary in January."

If the author didn't tell us why the women were shrieking or that the cold was typical, it would have been interesting.

"I'm not sure when I decided I wanted to run a marathon."

Maybe there's a question but it's not overly compelling.

I think Penelope is dead on about the trust issue, too. If a writer can get me hooked in one line, I automatically invest some trust in his skill and I'm more likely to read on. Making me ask compelling questions is a good way to hook me.

Just a few thoughts. Thanks for joining in the thread!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I'd go with the same as loganforester for the same reasons. It pricked my interest because something unusual had happened and I wanted to know why. I can see Penny's point about it trying to do too much though.

"They're out there" and "First the colours" are a little too nondescript. I'd be looking to see something happen in the next few lines before making a judgement.

"First name Salmon..." was my second fave. It's an introduction and seems like the prelude to a story.

"On the morning..." An eclipse sets an unusual tone, but the rest sounded a little too mundane. I think I'm probably being harsh though.

I got bounced on the reverand line. 'Gently rubbing' should probably be 'fondling' as already mentioned. (Hydra realises he makes this mistake a lot and goes off to wipe them from his current drafts ) . I thought this line was a little too long and awkward, really trying to do too much.

I'm a big fan of a punchy opening line. Here's some I've used myself (feel free to dissect or ignore as appropriate):

"Fuck me, those are the biggest tits in the world." (we've already covered this story)

"Amshterdam ish the washte dishposal capital of Europe," the Irishman said drunkenly before drawing on a monster spliff.

Brother Hayes looked nervously around as he shuffled down the corridor

Jack Newman checked the house number against the address on the card.

When Joe Miller threw the midget hooker over the table James Fowler thought it was a good time to leave.

I think it's important to start the story where the action is and fill in the gaps when the reader needs to pause for a breath. That's just my own personal preference for the type of stories i like to both read and write though. They're not subtle and that can make them a little simplistic. It feels like the difference between a cheap shock and really getting under the skin.

As for getting under the skin, this is the opening paragraph from Shirley Jackson's 'The Haunting of Hill House':

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.

Brrrrrrr.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for this thread, Keroin. I'm in the middle of one of those, "Go to bed with an idea, get up in the middle of the night to start writing" stories, but this thread has helped me realize that my hook is weak.

Back to the pondering board.

 

[Penelope Street]

They’re out there.

First the colors.

Could it be we may not be giving these vague little openings their due by examining them out of context? Even if the topic is openings, specifically opening lines, how many stories do we start reading without even knowing the title?

There is something important going on in that sentence about the Reverend but it's very subtle. Yes, subtle.

I see a touch of weird going on with the reverend, but if there's anything subtle about him, it's too subtle for me.

She is beautiful – petite, long dark hair, flashing dark eyes, slender and athletic.

True, I don't know who she is, but I am also curious who thinks she's beautiful- although I'd have been more interested if her alleged beauty wasn't so stereotypical.

The brutal cold that brought shrieks of discomfort to four of the women leaving the church late that Saturday afternoon was typical for Calgary in January.

I'd also file this one under trying too hard. And what about including 'of discomfort'? To me, this suggests the author doesn't trust readers to make even the simplest connections.

I'm not sure when I decided I wanted to run a marathon.

I think it was Zoot who said he was surprised how often it works to just write a story and then discard the first two paragraphs. I wonder if this is one of those stories.

I'm a big fan of a punchy opening line. Here's some I've used myself (feel free to dissect or ignore as appropriate):

As if you really want them ignored! Sharing a few of our own opening lines could be fun, for those who don't mind the dissection. Before either contributing or dissecting, I think I'll wait and see if Keroin has any ideas, or reservations, regarding taking her thread in this direction.

 

[Keroin]

"On the morning..." An eclipse sets an unusual tone, but the rest sounded a little too mundane. I think I'm probably being harsh though.

No, I'm with you on this one.

I'm a big fan of a punchy opening line. Here's some I've used myself (feel free to dissect or ignore as appropriate): Well, you asked for it! LOL.

"Fuck me, those are the biggest tits in the world." (we've already covered this story)

Interesting. I liked the story, for the most part, but reading this line on it's own doesn't do much for me.

"Amshterdam ish the washte dishposal capital of Europe," the Irishman said drunkenly before drawing on a monster spliff.

Now, I like the spoken line but you lose me from "drunkenly" on. I get that he's drunk from his speech and adding the monster spliff feels over the top.

Brother Hayes looked nervously around as he shuffled down the corridor

"Nervously" mm, adverbs put me off in an opening sentence. Unless, of course they're used ironically.

Jack Newman checked the house number against the address on the card.

Flat.


When Joe Miller threw the midget hooker over the table James Fowler thought it was a good time to leave.

Now this one is interesting. I would feel compelled to read further. The only thing I didn't like was having the first and last names of both characters. I think the wording cold be tweaked a bit but overall I really like this one. Had me asking, WTF?

I think it's important to start the story where the action is and fill in the gaps when the reader needs to pause for a breath. That's just my own personal preference for the type of stories i like to both read and write though. They're not subtle and that can make them a little simplistic. It feels like the difference between a cheap shock and really getting under the skin.

I think it was Hemingway who said, "Don't confuse action with movement". I completely agree with you here Hydra. Opening with action doesn't mean opening with a bunch of "stuff" happening it just means opening when the story is already in progress. Too many writers spend too long on set ups. Most of the time, we only need a smattering of clues to figure things out. Also, backstory should be kept to a bare minimum for at least the first fifty pages of a novel.

As for getting under the skin, this is the opening paragraph from Shirley Jackson's 'The Haunting of Hill House':

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.

Brrrrrrr. Creepy!

Thanks for this thread, Keroin. I'm in the middle of one of those, "Go to bed with an idea, get up in the middle of the night to start writing" stories, but this thread has helped me realize that my hook is weak.

Back to the pondering board.

No worries, I'm always happy to make people aware of their inadequacies.

Oh come on, I'm kidding!!! Put down the rotten tomatoes!

Could it be we may not be giving these vague little openings their due by examining them out of context? Even if the topic is openings, specifically opening lines, how many stories do we start reading without even knowing the title? *Ah, another important tidbit*


I see a touch of weird going on with the reverend, but if there's anything subtle about him, it's too subtle for me.

The reverend is not subtle, what the sentence does is subtle. More to follow

As if you really want them ignored! Sharing a few of our own opening lines could be fun, for those who don't mind the dissection. Before either contributing or dissecting, I think I'll wait and see if Keroin has any ideas, or reservations, regarding taking her thread in this direction.

I think that's an excellent idea, Penelope. Also, I'm really not possessive of my threads I always encourage hijacking.

Okay, I've got more to talk about, just need to gather my thoughts.

 

[Keroin]

Here's an imaginary sentence for an imaginary novel:

"The sky was blue, which meant it was going to be a great day."

What do you think about it? Pretty uninteresting. So, let's play with it...

"The sky was purple, which meant it was going to be a great day."

A little more interesting, huh? We're probably assuming this is a sci-fi novel but, even so, I'd be wondering why a purple sky would mean a great day for the narrator. Well, how about something less fantastic?

"The sky was blue, which meant it was going to be a terrible day."

The last sentence is interesting. but why is it interesting? It has to do with expectations. We expect someone to be happy about a blue sky, we don't expect them to be unhappy about it.

Another quality of a good opening sentence is that it runs contrary to most reader's expectations. It makes us pause, even for a moment. It makes us ask questions...again. It's not so much about being shocking as it is about being unexpected or different.

“My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name Susie.”

What catches us here is the word "was" - as Penelope noted. This reads like a regular introduction, except for that word. We expect a narrator to introduce themselves in the present tense. "My name is Keroin, like the drug, except with a K".

Why is she telling us what her name used to be? What is significant about that?

“Reverend Billy Washburn sat at his desk, one hand gently rubbing the erection growing down his long, muscular thigh, the other hand thumbing through the concordance in the back of his bible.”

In this case, we'd expect a reverend to be sitting at a desk, reading a bible, not sitting at a desk and rubbing his erection. It's not that we're shocked by his actions - I think we've lost our naivete when it comes to the clergy being "pure" - it's the location. He's at his desk for Cod's sake! Not only is he at his desk but he's also reading a bible at the same time he's whacking off.

I know this sentence seems a little over the top - I'll deal with that later.

My first novel manuscript now happily resides in a box and it ever shall. However, it did have a few redeeming qualities, one of which was the opening sentence. Here it is:

"My chocolate Brontosaurus, that's the last true, happy memory."

I didn't have a freaking clue what I was doing when I wrote this but I managed to put in two words that contradicted reader's expectations... "Brontosaurus" and "true". Too bad the rest of the story wasn't as good as the first line. (Slaps hand to forehead).

When choosing your opening line, consider what is different about your story. What can you tell the reader that they wouldn't expect?

I want to look at this sentence again:

"The brutal cold that brought shrieks of discomfort to four of the women leaving the church late that Saturday afternoon was typical for Calgary in January."

Here's how I might change it:

"The four women shrieked as they left the church."

Yeah, it can definitely be made punchier but I think this helps a lot. The reader will find out it's a freezing day in January soon enough. If I read the revised sentence, I'd be curious to know why women would be shrieking when they left the church - did they see the Reverend Billy Washburn wanking off in his office?

What do you think about contradicting expectations? Oh, and please feel free to offer up your opening lines for sacrifice as Penelope has suggested.

 

[Penelope Street]

In this case, we'd expect a reverend to be sitting at a desk, reading a bible, not sitting at a desk and rubbing his erection. It's not that we're shocked by his actions - I think we've lost our naivete when it comes to the clergy being "pure" - it's the location.

Sure, his choice of wank material is unusual, but if there is something about this particular text that excites him, isn't it only a matter of time before he reads it while at his desk?

...adverbs put me off in an opening sentence.

I know! Sometimes I feel like such a snit, but they put me right out of the mood like sand sprinkled over the bed linen, you know?

I want to look at this sentence again:

"The brutal cold that brought shrieks of discomfort to four of the women leaving the church late that Saturday afternoon was typical for Calgary in January."

Here's how I might change it:

"The four women shrieked as they left the church."

Yeah, it can definitely be made punchier but I think this helps a lot. The reader will find out it's a freezing day in January soon enough. If I read the revised sentence, I'd be curious to know why women would be shrieking when they left the church - did they see the Reverend Billy Washburn wanking off in his office?

I agree I'd be curious about why they shrieked and, yeah, Reverend Washburn would do it, but will it then be a letdown to learn it's just the winter weather in a Canadian city? It's kinda like the burning physicist opening; shortening it to "Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh" would grab me more, but I'm still not sure it works if we then learn he's the one on fire. Either way, it's as if the first clue this man has that he's ablaze is through his sense of smell. Now that's what I call an absent-minded professor!

My chocolate Brontosaurus, that's the last true, happy memory.

That is a wicked one. I could almost cry just thinking about who would start a story this way.

I think that's an excellent idea...

I agree, but our favorite Scaly One deserves all the credit.

I'm a big fan of a punchy opening line. Here's some I've used myself (feel free to dissect or ignore as appropriate)

Yeah, you asked for it! Are these all openings to explicit horror stories?

"Fuck me, those are the biggest tits in the world."

Even if some consider it gimmicky, opening with an untagged line of dialog works for me. I want to know who's speaking and, in this case, why that person cares about her breast size- and do they care about anything else? So I'd at least read the next sentence to see if I like the answers to those questions.

"Amshterdam ish the washte dishposal capital of Europe," the Irishman said drunkenly before drawing on a monster spliff.

Kind of an unflattering stereotype, don't you think? Plus, there's that classic extraneous adverb.

Brother Hayes looked nervously around as he shuffled down the corridor,

Ok, except for another adverb.

Jack Newman checked the house number against the address on the card.

I like this one. It reminds me of one of my father's favorite sayings, "Never do something complicated when something simple will do." I hope the story doesn't slip into a backstory right afterward, telling me why he's there?

When Joe Miller threw the midget hooker over the table James Fowler thought it was a good time to leave.

This one might be the best. The narrator calling her a midget could turn a few readers off because some little persons consider it a slur- but that could be effective too, depending on what you wanted to achieve.

 

[CWatson]

This touches on an issue I mentioned in Logan's story discussion: reader trust; and editors are readers, after all. The more trust we have in an author, the longer we'll give the story to involve us.

Bingo. About half the time when I edit or review someone's story, I have to point this out to them. (Mostly, it's while attempting to convince them to, say, run a spell checker?)

(Of course, the real challenge was that once I had to explain to a novice writer that each story takes place in its own personal reality. He could not get his head around this at all. ...Despite the fact that his story was taking significant liberties with everyday rules. )

 

[Penelope Street]

About half the time when I edit or review someone's story, I have to point this out to them. (Mostly, it's while attempting to convince them to, say, run a spell checker?)

So true, if I see a spelling or grammar error early, trust plummets. For me, that initial sentence is more about not losing me than actually hooking me. If the writing is at least competent, I'll give the story several standard pages to involve me.

Of course, the real challenge was that once I had to explain to a novice writer that each story takes place in its own personal reality. He could not get his head around this at all. ...Despite the fact that his story was taking significant liberties with everyday rules.

Would you care to share what liberties? You never know who else might be making be doing the same thing.

 

[Tarakin]

First sentences are very interesting, even in novels.

"Call me Ismael" for instance starts Moby Dick (I hope I got this right, it's a retranslation from my German version). It reminds me of Susie Salmon's startline from up above. Why should we call him thus? Why does he hide his name? And why 'was' she called Salmon, not 'is'?

In shorter stories it can be very hooking - or not - to get the wrong starting line. Interesting topic!

 

[CWatson]

Would you care to share what liberties? You never know who else might be making be doing the same thing.

Gosh, I don't remember, it's been a while. The biggest one was that the lovers got in an elevator and then hit the "Stop" button to continue their tryst in private. Discerning readers pointed out that this would cause alarm bells to ring at the hotel's security desk, resulting in coitus-interruptus by rescue staff. And that wasn't the only one, there were several rule-bending aspects which... Hmm, let me find the post again.

Ah: something about being able to see up his lover's dress while both of them were standing up. Moving to 2nd-person for a sentence or two, several times. Add in the elevator gaffe and we were all scratching our heads as to what precise nature of world this story lived in.

The Author's defense was, "But that's the beauty of literature: there is no limit to what you can write." Our response was, "True, but there is a limit to what The Reader will believe." And that was where he got off the Clue Bus. (He hasn't posted since, unfortunately. But with any luck he felt inspired, not intimidated, by our suggestions, and he's at home polishing his genius to a mirror shine. )

 

[Keroin]

Gosh, I don't remember, it's been a while. The biggest one was that the lovers got in an elevator and then hit the "Stop" button to continue their tryst in private. Discerning readers pointed out that this would cause alarm bells to ring at the hotel's security desk, resulting in coitus-interruptus by rescue staff. And that wasn't the only one, there were several rule-bending aspects which... Hmm, let me find the post again.

Ah: something about being able to see up his lover's dress while both of them were standing up. Moving to 2nd-person for a sentence or two, several times. Add in the elevator gaffe and we were all scratching our heads as to what precise nature of world this story lived in.

The Author's defense was, "But that's the beauty of literature: there is no limit to what you can write." Our response was, "True, but there is a limit to what The Reader will believe." And that was where he got off the Clue Bus. (He hasn't posted since, unfortunately. But with any luck he felt inspired, not intimidated, by our suggestions, and he's at home polishing his genius to a mirror shine. )

Don't you love big BUT's?

We all have them in some form. I think part of the challenge in moving to the next level with your writing is recognizing your big BUT's and then taking steps to, if not get rid of them, at least minimize them.

I have a friend who is a wicked copy editor and she's really helped show me the many errors of my ways. Unfortunately, her writing is stuck in neutral, stylistically. Every time I offer comments and feedback, she has a reason why she can't use my suggestions. I'm not saying I'm an authority but it's ironic - she is always telling me how much she loves my writing and admires my creativity and yet she doesn't trust my advice.

 

[agedmac]

Fascinating. Is the opening sentence issue more true of 'popular' fiction, especially in the age of instant communication and no patience for something developing?

I find some 'popular' novels do have a bit of an opening line, but the key is the end of the opening chapter. To be a 'page turner', the hook is at the end of that first chapter or we don't turn the page.

My pet peeve in erotica here is that many openings start with describing the characters physical traits. Really? Because we're all 'face whores' and don't want to imagine someone who doesn't look 'pretty'? I turn away from those stories quickly. In fact, one of my favs from a year or so back, I realized later had no description of the physical nature of the two primary characters. Didn't need to because the reader developed those in one's mind.

I was trying to remember one of my favs here on literotica. Something like

The long deep moan echoed through the valley and he felt it all the way to his balls.

 

[Keroin]

Time to talk about a few more aspects of story/novel openings – context, the big picture and tone.

“They’re out there.”

This line has not been chosen as anyone’s favorite. I understand why, it doesn’t have much going for it. However, it is the opening sentence of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

So, now that we know the novel it’s from, does the sentence become more interesting? Maybe. How about the second sentence:

“Black boys in white suits up before me to commit sex acts in the hall and get it mopped up before I can catch them.”

That would definitely get my attention. Sometimes, if the reader has a rough idea what the story is about or if the setting is during a historical event most are familiar with, the opening sentence does not need to be quite so punchy. In the above example, I think the purpose of the sentence is to set the tone. The narrator is a patient in a mental institution and this is captured nicely in one, simple line. Even if the people he’s talking about are real, there’s still a distinct feeling of paranoia in those words.

What about the other shrinking violet?

“First the colors.”

Actually I was surprised no one picked this one. Let me include the entire passage:

“First the colors.
Then the humans.
That’s usually how I see things.
Or at least, how I try.”

Again, the opening sentence becomes much more engaging once we read the next line(s). This comes from The Book Thief and the narrator of this novel is Death. For me, this opening works very well. Before I even know who’s doing the narrating, I want to know. I found the opening hypnotic and that is very much the tone of the book. We are drawn in and out of the story of the book thief in a way I would describe as ethereal.

So, these are two instances where the first sentence was not all that but the opening still worked. If “First the colors” was the opening of a book about a painter, well, maybe it wouldn’t have been so exciting. Context plays a part in hooking a reader. Two books about very powerful subjects, with very quiet opening sentences. Contrast. Nice.

Back to the Reverend Billy Wanker…

Well, since that opening line is from a short story called, “Saving Julia”, from a collection of Erotic fiction, the over-the-topness of it isn’t all that unforgivable.

Context.

When working on the opening of your story/novel, consider the big picture. What is your genre? What kind of tone do you want to establish? What can the opening line tell the reader about your narrator or about the POV? If you’re going to tackle something very disturbing, maybe you want to open softly? You can still have a killer opening line that alludes to the rest of your story but the contrast may be memorable.

Did your impression of the sentences I mentioned change once you knew what novel they were from?

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Ah, cursed dodgy net connection and working silly hours at the moment. I throw up some lines and then manage to not be around to respond to the replies

(and I will read logan's chapter at some point if my neighbour ever stops wrecking the net connection with non-stop downloading )

The adverb comments jumped out at me. How much of a roadblock are they to continuing a story?

'Said drunkenly' is clearly extraneous. 'Slurred' is better and even that is extraneous because it's obvious from the dialogue.

'Looked nervously around' is a little trickier. Take it out and he could be looking for something or just admiring the view. Add 'nervously' and it implies he's running or trying to avoid someone or something.

Overuse of them is bad, but sometimes they get the job done is my view on them.

I'm quite forgiving when it comes to the mechanics. Awful spelling or grammar might kick me out, but I'm usually more focused on the story. There are plenty of famous writers that are mechanically rather medocre, but they happen to be brilliant storytellers. I normally read to the point where it's obvious the story is running down the same path as many others or if the main character is a blatent Mary Sue/Gary Stu.

I know it happens (it has to if saomeone's job is to slog through hundreds and hundreds of manuscripts), but it seems wasteful to kill a script after only reading the first couple of lines.

As an aside that goes in the other direction. How many have read books where it's obvious certain boxes have been ticked in the first three chapters, but after then the novel doesn't really pass muster?

 

[Keroin]

The adverb comments jumped out at me. How much of a roadblock are they to continuing a story?

'Looked nervously around' is a little trickier. Take it out and he could be looking for something or just admiring the view. Add 'nervously' and it implies he's running or trying to avoid someone or something.

Overuse of them is bad, but sometimes they get the job done is my view on them.

I'm quite forgiving when it comes to the mechanics. Awful spelling or grammar might kick me out, but I'm usually more focused on the story. There are plenty of famous writers that are mechanically rather medocre, but they happen to be brilliant storytellers. I normally read to the point where it's obvious the story is running down the same path as many others or if the main character is a blatent Mary Sue/Gary Stu.

I know it happens (it has to if saomeone's job is to slog through hundreds and hundreds of manuscripts), but it seems wasteful to kill a script after only reading the first couple of lines.

As an aside that goes in the other direction. How many have read books where it's obvious certain boxes have been ticked in the first three chapters, but after then the novel doesn't really pass muster?

Adverbs are a huge roadblock for me. OK, honestly, more so on Lit than in a novel - though most published novels have editors so that's not usually an issue. Actually, today I am going to flip through my book shelf and see if I can find any novels with adverbs in the opening line.

I'd say, in the first sentence, if you can't express what is happening clearly without the use of the adverb then you need to come up with a different opening. That's my take.

Take your "nervously" for example, there are actions and descriptions you can use to show me someone is nervous. Maybe he has to take deep breaths to control his racing heart? Maybe his eyes are wide? Maybe he wipes sweat from his brow? Yeah, these are lame but there are lots of ways to show me nervousness.

I'm pretty forgiving as a novel reader but bad mechanics pull me right out of the story.