Talking about BDSM and the forums

[cascadiabound]

I keep seeing posts from folks who say that they are reticent to participate on the TALK side of the board (and even the Cafe' side sometimes too) because...

~ they are having a hard time with the tone
~ it is difficult to sort out the fluff (or crap/ garbage) from the stuff they want to interact with
~ caustic comments have made them want to run and hide
~ too much drama - they would rather lurk


or a million and one other reasons.


I could cite all of the above myself. It is not like I do not see and experience these things too. But we have the board that we deserve. Like we have the government that we deserve (i.e. Joseph de Maistre). It depends upon participation. If you want the board to have more substance - add your substance. If you want the board to have a better tone - be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

If you want less drama - be less dramatic. And don't make every comment that could be about you personal. It is not always personal.

I believe that we do our best when we speak for ourselves, use the "I" word, share our experiences, ask honest questions, agree to disagree, recognize that we all have different life experiences, different needs and may want different things from BDSM and may or may not ever be able to do BDSM as part of our RL.

That is way more of an introduction than I intended...

now - discuss... or not. As you will.

 

[SilverBass]

Great idea for a topic! Yeah I have noticed a bit of sensitivity here, more than I am used to. I don't mind it though as it can be interesting to see all the personalities come out to play, especially in this kind of forum where we'll see the full gambit from soft to hard personality types. I mean that is the real world right? The closer online resembles the real world, at least as far as conversation goes is fine for me. I'll keep the fantasy in my head, but when conversing I like to see our authentic selves, warts and all.

I do participate in a few other forums, namely forums about music, investing and hobbies (other important areas to me) and in those forums I have seen more intense drama and a lot more bickering than here, so really this seems tame to me. However here we are talking about sexuality, relationships and many very personal topics that often we just can't talk about openly in some other areas of our lives, so perhaps that makes people a bit more vulnerable here than in other parts of our lives.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about putting into the forum what you want to get out of it. We all have the power to shape this forum and every contribution is valuable. I'm real new here and just learning to blend in. Each forum has a different personality, and not all personalities click, but so far I'm really enjoying this place personally, some areas more than others, and I click accordingly.

 

[Mrtenant]

Been thinking a little about this.

I often look at a lot of these Talk threads, and I want to see what's been said or what's not.

To me, it all comes down to time and effort. And this is not a 'Poor me' post. I got better things to do than that.

I don't always have a whole lot of time to jump in on some lengthy discussion with several active participants.

When I do, I get in one message or two, and then I'm off. I got stuff to do. On some occassions I may have more time. I'll not make excuses for not jumping in, but, I wanna weigh it, too. Spend all day at work, deal with family stuff when I get home, then an hour or so before bed, get into some lengthy debate on Talk....or spend time with my sweetheart? It's an easy choice for me.

When I do get to jumping in on some discussion, by the time I've got something worth saying, the conversation may have moved on. What I got, isn't so relevant anymore. So what? I post it? It's way out of context. But, I do anyway at times, depending on how much what I have to say is burning within me.

Sometimes I'll post stuff, it gets skipped over and a page later, someone else says virtually the same thing, and for whatever reason, it seems to matter more. I don't need accolades for my posts by any means. Makes me think, well, I just wasted my time trying to lever into that conversation. *shrugs....I got other stuff to do that may be more interactive and maybe I can make a difference there instead.

Other times, you get some snarky douche in there that wants to make you look stupid, and maybe you have it coming, maybe you don't. Maybe someone is just being an asshole. If I got limited time anyway, why do I want to spend it there? Try to set some asshole straight with dubious results? If I'm doing that? Does anyone really want to see 3-10 posts or more of vitual combat by text? Its absurd.

Does any of that mean I, or anyone like me, doesn't want to dive in? No, its time and effort. This post for instance. After I turn it loose, it will be several hours to days before I can get back to it.

So someone might say, well, you give up too soon, MrT. Yea, maybe, but then my time and availability may be different than yours. Easy for you to say. Maybe, as time moves on, that discussion also has become less relevant to me, too.

Life comes at you fast. Think I give a crap about a fake dom, or which paddle leaves a better sting when I have a sick kid, gotta work 10 hours, study for an exam, flirt with my sweetheart, arrange for loans so my kid can go to college and more?

I guess what I'm saying, CB, and for anyone, it's not as simple as that for me, and, I think many of us can say the same or similar. We are in, but I think we get left behind. And it happens often enough? Well, it's time to weigh in. I want my time to count for something. I don't want to be glossed over, argue with idiots, and I want it to be relevant to what's at hand.

I have no regrets on it. Just is.

 

[gracie920101]

I've been mildly confronted for a couple of comments here and I have chosen to just not respond to the attackers. Maybe that's my submissive tendency showing or my nature of trying to avoid conflict. Maybe they were having a bad day or that's just their personality.

I just felt any reaction would have appeared antagonistic and it wasn't worth my time or effort. Some might feel I didn't stand up for myself and in fact in one instance, someone did respond in my defense, but again, it wasn't worth it for me to do so.

Whatever. I'm still here-mainly because 98% of the experience has been good and I have a couple of people I pm with at times.

Yeah, I've seen some drama as I lurk through a thread here and there but there's been no reason for me to jump on anyone's bandwagon. I don't need someone else's drama as I can produce enough all by myself. I don't interact with a lot of the characters on here as I mainly use it for my personal entertainment and not for any other purpose.

But the site as a whole is easygoing and accepting, sometimes unbelievably so, and if someone seems to get on that proverbial last nerve, be the bigger person and just move on. You owe no one any explanations on this site except our excellent and grossly under-praised moderators.

Hah! I scrolled down to check something CB said before I posted this and it looks as if MrTenant has similar thoughts. Sorry...mundane things like laundry kept interrupting and I didn't thinking would ever get this post finished. LOL

 

[bone251]

Don't worry about it. Just eat popcorn.

 

[Zionisacat]

My problem is where do I jump in?
The thousand post topics where everyone seems to everyone, relationships and friendships already formed? I'd feel awkward as fuck poking my nose in there and I suspect the participants would feel the same.
The threads asking for advice? I have no experience and can barely articulate what I might want to explore, let alone tell others what to do with their lives.
Do I start a new topic? I already know what advise I'll get. Attend munches, read these websites, do this quiz, maybe buy these books, add some creeps to my ignore list and we're done.
I can get all I need for now just by lurking. Over time hopefully I'll chip in to the less personal threads (movies, books, food) over on the cafe side and get to know some people but until then, I think I'll just stick to the story ideas forum.

 

[cascadiabound]

You owe no one any explanations on this site except our excellent and grossly under-praised moderators.

Round of applause for our mods.
They do a lot of stuff behind the scenes. Rarely get appreciated and if they do something perceived as "wrong" are quickly called out on the carpet.

Thank you mods. I would not be able to do it, so thanks for stepping up.

 

[Zionisacat]

I've been mildly confronted for a couple of comments here and I have chosen to just not respond to the attackers. Maybe that's my submissive tendency showing or my nature of trying to avoid conflict. ...

Without stalking your posts I'd say you just followed the general but often ignored advise of 'don't feed the trolls'.
Well played by you.

 

[cascadiabound]

My problem is where do I jump in?
The thousand post topics where everyone seems to everyone, relationships and friendships already formed? I'd feel awkward as fuck poking my nose in there and I suspect the participants would feel the same.
The threads asking for advice? I have no experience and can barely articulate what I might want to explore, let alone tell others what to do with their lives.
Do I start a new topic? I already know what advise I'll get. Attend munches, read these websites, do this quiz, maybe buy these books, add some creeps to my ignore list and we're done.
I can get all I need for now just by lurking. Over time hopefully I'll chip in to the less personal threads (movies, books, food) over on the cafe side and get to know some people but until then, I think I'll just stick to the story ideas forum.

I would say - jump in whenever and where ever you feel comfortable. I would suggest that the existing relationships on the board are more fluid and more open than it might appear at first glance. Just start talking and people will start to see you as a regular... because you will have become one, simply because you are participating.

Also - all of us were new once. lol

 

[yukonnights]

My problem is where do I jump in...

....The threads asking for advice? I have no experience and can barely articulate what I might want to explore, let alone tell others what to do with their lives...

Ooops....I may have been screwing up without realizing...was it expected that I have some clue as to what I'm spouting

 

[BiBunny]

My problem is where do I jump in?
The thousand post topics where everyone seems to everyone, relationships and friendships already formed? I'd feel awkward as fuck poking my nose in there and I suspect the participants would feel the same.
The threads asking for advice? I have no experience and can barely articulate what I might want to explore, let alone tell others what to do with their lives.
Do I start a new topic? I already know what advise I'll get. Attend munches, read these websites, do this quiz, maybe buy these books, add some creeps to my ignore list and we're done.
I can get all I need for now just by lurking. Over time hopefully I'll chip in to the less personal threads (movies, books, food) over on the cafe side and get to know some people but until then, I think I'll just stick to the story ideas forum.

The fact that you actually worry about this means you'll fit in fine. It's the ones who can't see past their own egos who don't make it long, usually.

 

[SilverBass]

Ooops....I may have been screwing up without realizing...was it expected that I have some clue as to what I'm spouting

Same here! Some us of have more experience than others on various topics, but we are all just trying to make our way. I'm just as interested in the words of a novice as I am a veteran in any given area. It is our thoughts and feelings of how we are affected personally that carries the most weight, and we are all equal in that regard.

 

[twister947]

I don't talk much, and that's not likely to change, but I do have an observation on assholes: beat them up all you want, but when you're finished with them, they're still assholes, and your hands are dirty. Decency and grace ftw.

 

[Mrtenant]

Same here! Some us of have more experience than others on various topics, but we are all just trying to make our way. I'm just as interested in the words of a novice as I am a veteran in any given area. It is our thoughts and feelings of how we are affected personally that carries the most weight, and we are all equal in that regard.

While I agree with the bolded statement, in my experience, I will say- we are not all equal to the task of presenting such things openly and/or respectfully. We are not all inclined or mentally or emotionally prepared to regard another's position with respect and an attempt at understanding.

Some people just have to behave like a third grader. It's the old 'I hide behind a computer screen, so I can talk shit all I want' routine.

In having conversations, it becomes easy enough to see, over time, who makes it to the ignore box or not.

For my part, I give everyone a chance and benefit of the doubt, for awhile.

 

[SilverBass]

While I agree with the bolded statement, in my experience, I will say- we are not all equal to the task of presenting such things openly and/or respectfully. We are not all inclined or mentally or emotionally prepared to regard another's position with respect and an attempt at understanding.

Some people just have to behave like a third grader. It's the old 'I hide behind a computer screen, so I can talk shit all I want' routine.

In having conversations, it becomes easy enough to see, over time, who makes it to the ignore box or not.

For my part, I give everyone a chance and benefit of the doubt, for awhile.

Well that I certainly agree with. I just meant we are all equal in regard to some newbies or the inexperienced not believing they have much to offer. They have plenty to offer and I like hearing their POV as much as anyone.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

I would say there's far less drama here these days than there used to be. Most people post quite uncontroversially and are at least relatively polite towards one another.

When our neck of the woods was a lot more active, there were a lot of differing opinions and discussion could get very heated. But because there were lots more posters, there were often several strands of conversations going on even within one thread, so it was maybe easier to ignore the bickering.

I don't mind the drama or controversy that much. I rather have that than the handholding and kumbayah and being super supportive of everything and everyone, but I know I'm probably in the minority with that opinion. I realize it can be very difficult for newbies to jump in if the waters are infested with sharks, but in my experience the kumbayah mentality has rarely produced very interesting (to me) conversations.

I don't post much on Talk anymore, because I feel like I've already said pretty much everything I have to say on all topics BDSM. I also don't follow the boards that actively anymore and can be gone for days or weeks at a time, so any follow ups to my comments would probably go unnoticed. So I'm just not much a of a conversant anymore.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Etoile]

Round of applause for our mods.
They do a lot of stuff behind the scenes. Rarely get appreciated and if they do something perceived as "wrong" are quickly called out on the carpet.

Thank you mods. I would not be able to do it, so thanks for stepping up.

I was a mod here for over ten years. I quit because of this. Although some regulars did often step up to defend mods, the constant barrage of hate from everyone else was too much. In the end, that's why I barely participate here anymore. I couldn't bear to interact beyond the necessary mod posts, and I fell out of the habit of chatting here. I miss Lit, but being a mod is nearly 100% thankless, and I just couldn't anymore.

Have some respect for the mods, please, Litsters. We're human too.

 

[Nidalee]

I am grateful for this thread, I am new on the forum and I don't seem to have courage enough to post my feelings / opinions. Reading your posts gave me some confidence though.
It is quite complicated to post when you lack self-confidence. I am always wondering "what if I said too many things, or not enough?" or "What if I'm not clear enough ?" or "What if I speak too much about myself and then people will think that I am too self-centered ?" Funny thing is that I do ask myself the same questions IRL but I have less troubles talking to people. I haven't been on a forum for 10 years and don't really remember how I used to interact with people.
I am also really new to the subject of BDSM and don't know a lot about my own feelings and opinions. I could be content with only lurking but when I discovered the forum, my aim was to be part of a community and find people I can talk with and learn from.
Anyways, in my case it's not because of the forum. I totally understand and accept that things can escaladate quickly when it comes to such matters. It's just a problem of confidence.
Thanks again for creating this thread and posting encouraging messages !

 

[Mrtenant]

I am grateful for this thread, I am new on the forum and I don't seem to have courage enough to post my feelings / opinions. Reading your posts gave me some confidence though.
It is quite complicated to post when you lack self-confidence. I am always wondering "what if I said too many things, or not enough?" or "What if I'm not clear enough ?" or "What if I speak too much about myself and then people will think that I am too self-centered ?" Funny thing is that I do ask myself the same questions IRL but I have less troubles talking to people. I haven't been on a forum for 10 years and don't really remember how I used to interact with people.
I am also really new to the subject of BDSM and don't know a lot about my own feelings and opinions. I could be content with only lurking but when I discovered the forum, my aim was to be part of a community and find people I can talk with and learn from.
Anyways, in my case it's not because of the forum. I totally understand and accept that things can escaladate quickly when it comes to such matters. It's just a problem of confidence.
Thanks again for creating this thread and posting encouraging messages !

You are doing great so far. I'm glad you are here. I'd like to encourage you to keep on doing what you are doing.

I find that sometimes, I will consider a post over several hours to days even, before posting. It's just because I want it to read just so. I want my content to be readable and typo free if I can.

Also if it works for you, you can enlist a friend or ally to bounce ideas for posting with.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SalvDali]

I am grateful for this thread, I am new on the forum and I don't seem to have courage enough to post my feelings / opinions. Reading your posts gave me some confidence though.
It is quite complicated to post when you lack self-confidence. I am always wondering "what if I said too many things, or not enough?" or "What if I'm not clear enough ?" or "What if I speak too much about myself and then people will think that I am too self-centered ?" Funny thing is that I do ask myself the same questions IRL but I have less troubles talking to people. I haven't been on a forum for 10 years and don't really remember how I used to interact with people.
I am also really new to the subject of BDSM and don't know a lot about my own feelings and opinions. I could be content with only lurking but when I discovered the forum, my aim was to be part of a community and find people I can talk with and learn from.
Anyways, in my case it's not because of the forum. I totally understand and accept that things can escaladate quickly when it comes to such matters. It's just a problem of confidence.
Thanks again for creating this thread and posting encouraging messages !

Welcome, I am fairly new here and to BDSM (maybe a year now) I lurked for a while before I started posting, There are some really good informative threads here and most of the community is very friendly and non judgmental. It has been a very healthy place for me to research and ask questions.

 

[yukonnights]

I am grateful for this thread, I am new on the forum and I don't seem to have courage enough to post my feelings / opinions. Reading your posts gave me some confidence though.
It is quite complicated to post when you lack self-confidence. I am always wondering "what if I said too many things, or not enough?" or "What if I'm not clear enough ?" or "What if I speak too much about myself and then people will think that I am too self-centered ?" Funny thing is that I do ask myself the same questions IRL but I have less troubles talking to people. I haven't been on a forum for 10 years and don't really remember how I used to interact with people.
I am also really new to the subject of BDSM and don't know a lot about my own feelings and opinions. I could be content with only lurking but when I discovered the forum, my aim was to be part of a community and find people I can talk with and learn from.
Anyways, in my case it's not because of the forum. I totally understand and accept that things can escaladate quickly when it comes to such matters. It's just a problem of confidence.
Thanks again for creating this thread and posting encouraging messages !

Your post reveals that you are quite introspective and thoughtful, the clean style and lack of errors reveal you are well spoken and educated. These qualities are excellent tools for more engagement, in my opinion. It has been said before, I'll say it again; BDSM draws people who have a curious and exploratory mind. (It can also draw a few sadists, but personally I find these types too crude for my tastes...but others love it...so expect lots of variety). It seems a lot of the Thread Topics here are more on the "theoretical/emotional" side vs the "experience" side...for example; the Humiliation thread. So, you're feelings and thoughts are just as interesting as any other...and since so much of BDSM is in the mind, even if some physical act is required to get one there, you can still offer your '2-cents'

Welcome, and hope you find a comfortable place to relax here ~

 

[Primalex]