✨Highlights and Bombshells💥

[Wand3rlust]

Tacos and beer.

But I have expensive tastes and a voracious appetite.

<feels seen>

 

[Mei5ter]

View attachment 2551904

But… but…

Butt, you say?

what would you say to a friend who said the same to you? You would tell them that they needed to take time for themselves.

Of course. And I'd be right.

You’re human too, and you get to take a break too. You have to.

Ah, but to use your recharging metaphor, you can recharge in different ways. You can switch your phone off and be back to 100% in no time because nothing is draining you. Or you can plug the thing in while it's still doing lots of things, and it still charges. Just slower.

I didn’t know this was a thing? Recharging a battery or squeezing more power out of it by putting it on a radiator?? What?

You didn't do this??

I grew up in the country, m'dear. I swung on gates and chewed grass while wearing dungarees. (This is true, but there are no pictures. NONE. Especially not of the dungarees). The nearest shop which sold batteries was just under four miles away. So if the batteries in your flashlight were dying, you warmed them up and coaxed a bit more juice out of them. (This also applies to other things but we'll stick with batteries for now).

Radiators in my childhood were alqays covered with old batteries, Plasticine, and gloves made with zero natural fibres. It's a wonder the entire country didn't spontaneously combust.

I realized another energy giver or at least an energy extender—memes or mindless humor. Cat memes. Specifically cats riding roombas. Add cats riding roombas smacking something as it glides by… recharged.

Okay. I have a Roomba. I also have a cat.

My cat can't even balance on my lap without falling off. She already has once this morning.

I love the idea of two cats riding Roombas and jousting as if they're in a mediaeval tournament. But mine hasn't even got her L plates yet.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Ah, but to use your recharging metaphor, you can recharge in different ways. You can switch your phone off and be back to 100% in no time because nothing is draining you. Or you can plug the thing in while it's still doing lots of things, and it still charges. Just slower.

I tend to be option #2 because I can’t leave it alone long enough.

You didn't do this??

I grew up in the country, m'dear. I swung on gates and chewed grass

I’d make whistles and daisy crowns

while wearing dungarees. (This is true, but there are no pictures. NONE. Especially not of the dungarees).

Uh huh… I don’t believe this

The nearest shop which sold batteries was just under four miles away. So if the batteries in your flashlight were dying, you warmed them up and coaxed a bit more juice out of them. (This also applies to other things but we'll stick with batteries for now).

We did have those floorboard heaters in a house I lived in for a while (we moved around a bit)

Radiators in my childhood were alqays covered with old batteries, Plasticine, and gloves made with zero natural fibres. It's a wonder the entire country didn't spontaneously combust.

Okay. I have a Roomba. I also have a cat.

My cat can't even balance on my lap without falling off. She already has once this morning.

I love the idea of two cats riding Roombas and jousting as if they're in a mediaeval tournament. But mine hasn't even got her L plates yet.

I think I’ve seen a gif of two cats with light sabres dueling?

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Hello, It’s Me…​

No, not Adele. Just me. I do like that song though. I wish I could sing like her. Or like BadAmy. If you were here when she was here, you might remember a Litster who could siiiing. I mean, really sing. She was so good. Can anybody here really sing? Well… I know one person — yes I’m looking at YOU. There are actually a number of people here who can.
If you can sing, and you want to let us hear it, leave a vocoroo. I’d love to hear. !! I know there’s real talent here.
Ok. That was a complete tangent.
I was starting to explain why I’ve been mostly away for a while.
I was spending time with THAT FAMILY MEMBER who makes me feel the broadest range of emotions of anyone in my life. We all have someone like that in our lives. For me, it’s my dad.

A little about him. He’s a Vietnam Vet who saw a lot and therefore brought home a lot of rage and has held onto it. I didn’t live with him for most of my formative years. Now he is an old man with a lot of rage that comes out at unexpected times. So, He wanted to take a trip across country and I was to drive.

Ok dad. I got you.
Deep breath. Armor on.
He’s always been very generous with his opinions about my shortcomings. Many years of therapy later, and I’m able to realize that it’s his issue and not mine. But still, that’s painful sometimes.
Other times, he’s energetic and funny and interesting and smart. It makes me almost forget the negative times.
Day 3 is usually when the shit hits the fan. Our visits are good for the first couple days. Then Day 3 something happens and he’s mean as fuck. And there’s no catalyst. It doesn’t matter. So Day 3 came and went and I was still standing and then came out the other side of it. Day 4 we didn’t talk. I just drove him around like a chauffeur. Day 5 he was on his best behavior again and the rest of the visit as bearable.
Fast forward to me being home. I just absolutely crashed and slept and slept. I always wonder if it will be the last time I see him and it makes me sad.
I think it’s to the point where, unless I want to cut off communication with him, which I seriously considered for a long while, this is the best that I can expect from him- from us.

So, that’s why I’ve been AWOL. I have bittersweet feelings about this trip being over.

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

Thank you for reading, if you’ve made it this far. Sometimes it just helps to write and put it out there.

 

[Azuldrgon]

Hello, It’s Me…​

No, not Adele. Just me. I do like that song though. I wish I could sing like her. Or like BadAmy. If you were here when she was here, you might remember a Litster who could siiiing. I mean, really sing. She was so good. Can anybody here really sing? Well… I know one person — yes I’m looking at YOU. There are actually a number of people here who can.
If you can sing, and you want to let us hear it, leave a vocoroo. I’d love to hear. !! I know there’s real talent here.
Ok. That was a complete tangent.
I was starting to explain why I’ve been mostly away for a while.
I was spending time with THAT FAMILY MEMBER who makes me feel the broadest range of emotions of anyone in my life. We all have someone like that in our lives. For me, it’s my dad.

A little about him. He’s a Vietnam Vet who saw a lot and therefore brought home a lot of rage and has held onto it. I didn’t live with him for most of my formative years. Now he is an old man with a lot of rage that comes out at unexpected times. So, He wanted to take a trip across country and I was to drive.

Ok dad. I got you.
Deep breath. Armor on.
He’s always been very generous with his opinions about my shortcomings. Many years of therapy later, and I’m able to realize that it’s his issue and not mine. But still, that’s painful sometimes.
Other times, he’s energetic and funny and interesting and smart. It makes me almost forget the negative times.
Day 3 is usually when the shit hits the fan. Our visits are good for the first couple days. Then Day 3 something happens and he’s mean as fuck. And there’s no catalyst. It doesn’t matter. So Day 3 came and went and I was still standing and then came out the other side of it. Day 4 we didn’t talk. I just drove him around like a chauffeur. Day 5 he was on his best behavior again and the rest of the visit as bearable.
Fast forward to me being home. I just absolutely crashed and slept and slept. I always wonder if it will be the last time I see him and it makes me sad.
I think it’s to the point where, unless I want to cut off communication with him, which I seriously considered for a long while, this is the best that I can expect from him- from us.

So, that’s why I’ve been AWOL. I have bittersweet feelings about this trip being over.

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

Thank you for reading, if you’ve made it this far. Sometimes it just helps to write and put it out there.

*leaving hugs*
For a while, I started doing a Soundcloud of covers.
One of my biggest escapes while driving is singing along with the radio.
I feel bad sometimes because my range isn't what it used to be.
Then there are times I start to cry in the middle of a song.

Music is definitely a release for me.

*Extra hugs for what you're going through*

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

*leaving hugs*
For a while, I started doing a Soundcloud of covers.
One of my biggest escapes while driving is singing along with the radio.

What were some of your favorites to sing?

I feel bad sometimes because my range isn't what it used to be.
Then there are times I start to cry in the middle of a song.

Music is definitely a release for me.

I like singing in the car too but not when I have an audience.

*Extra hugs for what you're going through*

thank you. This has gotten a lot better and I’m happy with how I didn’t get upset for a long time afterwards like I used to.

 

[Azuldrgon]

What were some of your favorites to sing?

Ballads mostly.
I did sing "Shot in the Dark" by Ozzy and recorded it.
In case you are curious.

https://soundcloud.com/user-399012249

I'm not BadAmy level I assure you.

 

[EvaLane]

Hello, It’s Me…​

No, not Adele. Just me. I do like that song though. I wish I could sing like her. Or like BadAmy. If you were here when she was here, you might remember a Litster who could siiiing. I mean, really sing. She was so good. Can anybody here really sing? Well… I know one person — yes I’m looking at YOU. There are actually a number of people here who can.
If you can sing, and you want to let us hear it, leave a vocoroo. I’d love to hear. !! I know there’s real talent here.
Ok. That was a complete tangent.
I was starting to explain why I’ve been mostly away for a while.
I was spending time with THAT FAMILY MEMBER who makes me feel the broadest range of emotions of anyone in my life. We all have someone like that in our lives. For me, it’s my dad.

A little about him. He’s a Vietnam Vet who saw a lot and therefore brought home a lot of rage and has held onto it. I didn’t live with him for most of my formative years. Now he is an old man with a lot of rage that comes out at unexpected times. So, He wanted to take a trip across country and I was to drive.

Ok dad. I got you.
Deep breath. Armor on.
He’s always been very generous with his opinions about my shortcomings. Many years of therapy later, and I’m able to realize that it’s his issue and not mine. But still, that’s painful sometimes.
Other times, he’s energetic and funny and interesting and smart. It makes me almost forget the negative times.
Day 3 is usually when the shit hits the fan. Our visits are good for the first couple days. Then Day 3 something happens and he’s mean as fuck. And there’s no catalyst. It doesn’t matter. So Day 3 came and went and I was still standing and then came out the other side of it. Day 4 we didn’t talk. I just drove him around like a chauffeur. Day 5 he was on his best behavior again and the rest of the visit as bearable.
Fast forward to me being home. I just absolutely crashed and slept and slept. I always wonder if it will be the last time I see him and it makes me sad.
I think it’s to the point where, unless I want to cut off communication with him, which I seriously considered for a long while, this is the best that I can expect from him- from us.

So, that’s why I’ve been AWOL. I have bittersweet feelings about this trip being over.

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

Thank you for reading, if you’ve made it this far. Sometimes it just helps to write and put it out there.

So much love to you, my friend. You made it home ok, let’s just get into it.

I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of my mom. It’s what I had been doing for 25 years, why would I have expected anything different for the next 25 or 45?

Things change, of course. In some ways, definitely for the better but it’s incredibly bittersweet that I had to lose my best friend to actually start living for myself. It’s a very lonely, isolating type of grief.

and it makes me angry. I have nothing that is just mine. No memory or attachment to anything that isn’t full of her. Full of us. Every childhood memory, every movie or show or song or store or flower or dog or colouring book or volleyball net or body of water. There’s no moment I’m not thinking about her. It’s not even a thought anymore, she’s just in me, so much so that I don’t know if I’ve ever really lost her or if I’ve ever really been me.

She never gave me a chance to become myself. Maybe she never had that chance either and I was her one opportunity to feel free, and loved, and known.

Now I’m without her, but still with her. Therapy can’t untangle it, not really, but I keep going. I know the only way out, if there even is one, is through. I can’t stay here and I definitely can’t go back.

I’m so grateful to her because without her, I’d have been so fucking boring and dumb. At the same time, I’m also so tired of running from the life I should’ve been living a long time ago.

So what do I do now?

I have to move forward. New hobbies, new books, new family.

I’ll continue to carry her with me, seeing the world through our eyes until, slowly, I stop looking next to me expecting her to be there.

If I do the work and I keep trying, maybe one day I’ll see someone beside me who never felt like I did and I’ll know her favourite colour, her favourite flower, her favourite song has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

 

[Whiskeyjack]

​

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

I think I'm very lucky in that I don't really have anyone like that in my life. All of the people who cause emotional stress like that are only tangentially part of my life and it's easy enough to cut them out of it. It's hard to do that with a dad. It's pretty easy when it's an uncle or a cousin you only see once every 5 years anyway.

 

[velona]

Hello, It’s Me…​

No, not Adele. Just me. I do like that song though. I wish I could sing like her. Or like BadAmy. If you were here when she was here, you might remember a Litster who could siiiing. I mean, really sing. She was so good. Can anybody here really sing? Well… I know one person — yes I’m looking at YOU. There are actually a number of people here who can.
If you can sing, and you want to let us hear it, leave a vocoroo. I’d love to hear. !! I know there’s real talent here.
Ok. That was a complete tangent.
I was starting to explain why I’ve been mostly away for a while.
I was spending time with THAT FAMILY MEMBER who makes me feel the broadest range of emotions of anyone in my life. We all have someone like that in our lives. For me, it’s my dad.

A little about him. He’s a Vietnam Vet who saw a lot and therefore brought home a lot of rage and has held onto it. I didn’t live with him for most of my formative years. Now he is an old man with a lot of rage that comes out at unexpected times. So, He wanted to take a trip across country and I was to drive.

Ok dad. I got you.
Deep breath. Armor on.
He’s always been very generous with his opinions about my shortcomings. Many years of therapy later, and I’m able to realize that it’s his issue and not mine. But still, that’s painful sometimes.
Other times, he’s energetic and funny and interesting and smart. It makes me almost forget the negative times.
Day 3 is usually when the shit hits the fan. Our visits are good for the first couple days. Then Day 3 something happens and he’s mean as fuck. And there’s no catalyst. It doesn’t matter. So Day 3 came and went and I was still standing and then came out the other side of it. Day 4 we didn’t talk. I just drove him around like a chauffeur. Day 5 he was on his best behavior again and the rest of the visit as bearable.
Fast forward to me being home. I just absolutely crashed and slept and slept. I always wonder if it will be the last time I see him and it makes me sad.
I think it’s to the point where, unless I want to cut off communication with him, which I seriously considered for a long while, this is the best that I can expect from him- from us.

So, that’s why I’ve been AWOL. I have bittersweet feelings about this trip being over.

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

Thank you for reading, if you’ve made it this far. Sometimes it just helps to write and put it out there.

I love the big questions and this is a really big one for me. Because “that person” can’t be That Person if you don’t love them, can they? And family in particular because for most of us it’s easier to walk away from friends than family, with all the complicated feelings and entanglements.

Anyway, for me That Person is my mother. She has been a force to reckon with and a rock for the family. She gave us so much. But also, nothing ever is or was good enough. Growing up, I thought I could find a way to get it right and I was so, so perfect. But I lived in a world where even coming home with perfect scores would be met with “no extra credit?”

And then one blessed day, in my 20s, I had something really special to celebrate. Everyone I knew was so excited and proud. I told my mother and…I wasn’t enough. It broke me. But this time in a good way because I realized it wasn’t about ME, had never been about me at all, and truly nothing would or could ever be good enough because SHE wasn’t happy and I was not responsible for that. It was a revelation.

I see how it still gets to my siblings, the nothing is ever good enough attitude, and I can feel it sometimes too, like an old scar getting inflamed, but now I do what I think is right for her, the family, etc. and don’t seek an approval I know can’t exist. I wish I could give that to others but I think it has to be a felt experience. You can know something intellectually and still not be able to move on from the feeling of it. So as hard as that terrible moment was, I’ll always be so grateful that it broke me free.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

So much love to you, my friend. You made it home ok, let’s just get into it.

Thank you for checking on me throughout my trip. That was really thoughtful of you.

I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of my mom. It’s what I had been doing for 25 years, why would I have expected anything different for the next 25 or 45?

Things change, of course. In some ways, definitely for the better but it’s incredibly bittersweet that I had to lose my best friend to actually start living for myself. It’s a very lonely, isolating type of grief.

It absolutely is.

and it makes me angry. I have nothing that is just mine. No memory or attachment to anything that isn’t full of her. Full of us. Every childhood memory, every movie or show or song or store or flower or dog or colouring book or volleyball net or body of water. There’s no moment I’m not thinking about her. It’s not even a thought anymore, she’s just in me, so much so that I don’t know if I’ve ever really lost her or if I’ve ever really been me.

Yes, everywhere you look there are reminders.

She never gave me a chance to become myself. Maybe she never had that chance either and I was her one opportunity to feel free, and loved, and known.

Now I’m without her, but still with her. Therapy can’t untangle it, not really, but I keep going. I know the only way out, if there even is one, is through. I can’t stay here and I definitely can’t go back.

This is so brave. I don’t know that you realize how brave and strong you are. But you are.

I’m so grateful to her because without her, I’d have been so fucking boring and dumb. At the same time, I’m also so tired of running from the life I should’ve been living a long time ago.

So what do I do now?

I have to move forward. New hobbies, new books, new family.

You may not have the answer right this moment, but I know that if you listen to yourself and trust yourself, you will find the right thing for you. Your instincts are spot on.

I’ll continue to carry her with me, seeing the world through our eyes until, slowly, I stop looking next to me expecting her to be there.

If I do the work and I keep trying, maybe one day I’ll see someone beside me who never felt like I did and I’ll know her favourite colour, her favourite flower, her favourite song has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

Thank you so much for sharing this here, Eva

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I think I'm very lucky in that I don't really have anyone like that in my life. All of the people who cause emotional stress like that are only tangentially part of my life and it's easy enough to cut them out of it. It's hard to do that with a dad. It's pretty easy when it's an uncle or a cousin you only see once every 5 years anyway.

I think that it isn’t just luck. I think it says something about your common sense and strength and how you choose the people in your life.

 

[birdy]

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?

My parents, for sure. It's taken me years to realize how manipulative they are. I started putting up boundaries, and as expected, they took offense to them. Instead of talking to me directly about anything, they discuss me with my other siblings and family members, hoping the information will eventually reach me. I started ignoring it. I hate acting like everything is fine on the surface, but I stopped taking the bait when they would try and make me feel bad about something they don't totally understand. I just moved across the country too... that helped a lot lol. They pretty much mind their business and have been nice so far because they still want a relationship with my kids. I have to remind myself that I need to do what makes me feel happy, even if it doesn't make everyone happy. It isn't easy (as a former people pleaser), but it has brought me a lot of peace that I've needed for a long time.

 

[Azuldrgon]

​

I guess as far as a prompt goes, I’d welcome you to share about whether you can relate to having that person in your life who has caused you to have the most therapy bills or that you’ve had to figure out how to manage. How did you do it? What were the challenges? Have you managed some victories? What do you still need to do to protect yourself l, if anything.?


I apologize that I overlooked this prompt during my midnight talk about music.

My therapy journey has been based on pleasing my father and my own emotional instability when he passed.
Being the compliant one.
Long story short, it's been a two year journey so far.
I am a better person now, but at a cost of losing others who dealt with me before then.
Still, one day at a time.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I love the big questions and this is a really big one for me. Because “that person” can’t be That Person if you don’t love them, can they? And family in particular because for most of us it’s easier to walk away from friends than family, with all the complicated feelings and entanglements.

Thank you! I’m thankful for you sharing your thoughts here.

Anyway, for me That Person is my mother. She has been a force to reckon with and a rock for the family. She gave us so much. But also, nothing ever is or was good enough. Growing up, I thought I could find a way to get it right and I was so, so perfect. But I lived in a world where even coming home with perfect scores would be met with “no extra credit?”

This sounds so deflating. I’m sorry this happened.

As a teacher, I will say that I’ve heard this a time or two and it makes me cringe. It just isn’t fair.

And then one blessed day, in my 20s, I had something really special to celebrate. Everyone I knew was so excited and proud. I told my mother and…I wasn’t enough. It broke me. But this time in a good way because I realized it wasn’t about ME, had never been about me at all, and truly nothing would or could ever be good enough because SHE wasn’t happy and I was not responsible for that. It was a revelation.

What a gift that you learned this, and in your 20, too. To have that perspective at such a young age is really impressive.

I see how it still gets to my siblings, the nothing is ever good enough attitude, and I can feel it sometimes too, like an old scar getting inflamed, but now I do what I think is right for her, the family, etc. and don’t seek an approval I know can’t exist. I wish I could give that to others but I think it has to be a felt experience. You can know something intellectually and still not be able to move on from the feeling of it. So as hard as that terrible moment was, I’ll always be so grateful that it broke me free.

It sounds like such a cathartic experience- maybe it sounds corny but it was a chrysalis moment- like you were emerging as a new form of yourself.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

My parents, for sure. It's taken me years to realize how manipulative they are. I started putting up boundaries, and as expected, they took offense to them. Instead of talking to me directly about anything, they discuss me with my other siblings and family members, hoping the information will eventually reach me. I started ignoring it. I hate acting like everything is fine on the surface, but I stopped taking the bait when they would try and make me feel bad about something they don't totally understand. I just moved across the country too... that helped a lot lol. They pretty much mind their business and have been nice so far because they still want a relationship with my kids. I have to remind myself that I need to do what makes me feel happy, even if it doesn't make everyone happy. It isn't easy (as a former people pleaser), but it has brought me a lot of peace that I've needed for a long time.

I am a card carrying member of People-pleasers, Inc. too. It’s so hard to set boundaries:
a) to know what boundaries to set
b) to realize you deserve to set boundaries
c) work up the nerve to set them
d) stick to them

As I’m writing this list, I’m thinking, are there people who this just comes naturally to? Like if someone in their lives is pushy or demanding, they have no trouble telling them to step back and if they can’t respect their space, they can’t be in their life, and that’s that. And then they don’t think twice about it. Are their people like that? Or do people get to be like that at an early age because they’ve had to sink or swim? Because they’ve had to learn those coping skills early on and they are just really good at them at a young age for that reason?

I’m glad that you made that move for your family and that you get to make a fresh start. I hope that it is going well!

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

My therapy journey has been based on pleasing my father and my own emotional instability when he passed.
Being the compliant one.
Long story short, it's been a two year journey so far.
I am a better person now, but at a cost of losing others who dealt with me before then.
Still, one day at a time.

I’m sorry for the loss of your father. :-(

One day at a time. Yes. This mantra is so helpful with focusing on the present and not getting overwhelmed with all the other distractions in life.

Thank you for this reminder

 

[F3x0r]

I am a card carrying member of People-pleasers, Inc. too. It’s so hard to set boundaries:
a) to know what boundaries to set
b) to realize you deserve to set boundaries
c) work up the nerve to set them
d) stick to them

As I’m writing this list, I’m thinking, are there people who this just comes naturally to? Like if someone in their lives is pushy or demanding, they have no trouble telling them to step back and if they can’t respect their space, they can’t be in their life, and that’s that. And then they don’t think twice about it. Are their people like that? Or do people get to be like that at an early age because they’ve had to sink or swim? Because they’ve had to learn those coping skills early on and they are just really good at them at a young age for that reason?

I’m glad that you made that move for your family and that you get to make a fresh start. I hope that it is going well!

I think I am the opposite, hard and blunt. A lot of people think of me as standoffish, or direct ( If they are being polite ). It's unfortunately suited me well in regards to a career etc

Sorry to barge into the conversation, on brand I guess.

 

[birdy]

As I’m writing this list, I’m thinking, are there people who this just comes naturally to? Like if someone in their lives is pushy or demanding, they have no trouble telling them to step back and if they can’t respect their space, they can’t be in their life, and that’s that. And then they don’t think twice about it. Are their people like that? Or do people get to be like that at an early age because they’ve had to sink or swim? Because they’ve had to learn those coping skills early on and they are just really good at them at a young age for that reason?

I’m glad that you made that move for your family and that you get to make a fresh start. I hope that it is going well!

I think some people are naturally blunt and it can come naturally, I'm just not one of those people lol.

Thank you! So far so good!

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I think I am the opposite, hard and blunt. A lot of people think of me as standoffish, or direct ( If they are being polite ). It's unfortunately suited me well in regards to a career etc

Sorry to barge into the conversation, on brand I guess.

You are welcomed to participate in the conversation

 

[velona]

What a gift that you learned this, and in your 20, too. To have that perspective at such a young age is really impressive.

It sounds like such a cathartic experience- maybe it sounds corny but it was a chrysalis moment- like you were emerging as a new form of yourself.

It was an important moment but I don’t want to give the impression that things magically changed! It gave me an insight that I return to again and again, but I still fight against the perfectionist tendencies or (worse) sometimes hear her critical voice coming out of my mouth. It’s always a journey.

As I’m writing this list, I’m thinking, are there people who this just comes naturally to? Like if someone in their lives is pushy or demanding, they have no trouble telling them to step back and if they can’t respect their space, they can’t be in their life, and that’s that. And then they don’t think twice about it. Are their people like that? Or do people get to be like that at an early age because they’ve had to sink or swim? Because they’ve had to learn those coping skills early on and they are just really good at them at a young age for that reason?

I think it’s a skill like any other. Some people learn it the hard way but it’s so important to teach kids how to identify emotions, talk about needs, and set boundaries so they don’t have to figure it out in their own as they go. I think of how much time and energy I would have saved in my life if I had been taught some of these skills early on!

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

It was an important moment but I don’t want to give the impression that things magically changed! It gave me an insight that I return to again and again, but I still fight against the perfectionist tendencies or (worse) sometimes hear her critical voice coming out of my mouth. It’s always a journey.

Absolutely. Good days and not so good days. I still hear my dad’s voice too. Usually if I’m already in a negative place (especially if I haven’t eaten anything - it is really a thing with me) I will hear and believe those nasty things he has said over the years. Then I need to recenter, (eat some protein), and remember more healthy thoughts.

I think it’s a skill like any other. Some people learn it the hard way but it’s so important to teach kids how to identify emotions, talk about needs, and set boundaries so they don’t have to figure it out in their own as they go. I think of how much time and energy I would have saved in my life if I had been taught some of these skills early on!

It’s starting to be part of the curriculum but it needs to be a bigger focus in school, I think. So many people would benefit from it.

 

[Lmizzler]

Oh man. This is brutal and there is nothing simple about it. Big Hugs for you.

Thanks for your honesty in talking about it so candidly with all of us.

The best moments of confrontation that I have seen or experienced (both me doing it or me seeing it happen) have been the firm but kind method. It's direct and firm in tone but also seasoned with an element of understanding for the other person. They are not blasting the other person but they are letting them know that you aren't going to put up with that and explaining why. They are generally already on the defensive so blasting them only makes the situation that much worse. But if you can counter them with a firm statement of why the way they are treating you isn't acceptable, then it is more easily accepted. That doesn't mean that they won't still be upset for a little while, but it does seem to sink in better than other methods I've seen.

For the record, I've also had people communicate this way to me when I was being too much. It stings at first but looking back I realize I was being an idiot and the person was working hard to protect themself and still maintain a relationship with me at the time.

 

[hotwords229_A]

As I’m writing this list, I’m thinking, are there people who this just comes naturally to? Like if someone in their lives is pushy or demanding, they have no trouble telling them to step back and if they can’t respect their space, they can’t be in their life, and that’s that. And then they don’t think twice about it. Are their people like that? Or do people get to be like that at an early age because they’ve had to sink or swim? Because they’ve had to learn those coping skills early on and they are just really good at them at a young age for that reason?

This is me you are describing.

I think a lot of it is luck. My parents aren’t perfect, but they did a hell of a job and are still great today.
There were very hard times and some personality issues to overcome, but it all worked out for the better.

Was I raised to be my own person? Sure. But some of that is also just who I am.

I think nature and nurture are on pretty even ground in this one.

I’ve never been a people pleaser. I’ve never fit in with people, in general. And somehow, whether it was taught or just within me, I was comfortable being me and if nobody liked it they could take a hike.

I think my parents helped me through that, but didn’t necessarily teach it to me.

The great irony I’ve discovered is that the more honest and direct I am with people, even when I tell them I don’t care about them at all, the more they seem to like me. Or, at least, respect me.
So I guess I people please by not trying to please them. People are weird.

This is a little off topic. Just thought I’d throw my perspective of a non-people pleasing lifestyle.

 

[hotwords229_A]

I should also mention that I’m single with no kids.

I wonder if there’s a connection.