❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[LostGirlTink]

I was thinking more like having carbs after 3 months of Keto.

It's fun, it tastes so gooooood...but, after, you're miserable.

I have never felt that way after carbs....

After a certain guy in the past who played a lot of mind games...

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

I mean... you can always google it.

Actually, I prefer to go directly to:

https://i.imgflip.com/1klhm5.jpg

I mean, the basic concept seems simple. Understanding comes from interaction...

 

[tolyk]

I have never felt that way after carbs....

After a certain guy I the past who played a lot of mind games...

*Holds you*

No head games now. And I give after care.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Hmm. I didn't go through the frenzy phase.

 

[cookiecat]

I’m sorry. Truly.
I think all of us have. That’s part of what made me change from seeing every women here as a rival. Now I see us all as sisters. It’s difficult to weather Lit and matters of the heart. And we’ve all been so vulnerable at times. Most of us have.
I feel a huge kinship with so many of the women here, especially the subs.

I don't have anything to add to the frenzy part but wanted to heart this.

 

[Apisto42]

That's what I love about this thread. I can contribute what I know ( in this case, nothing) and learn something new, then (only then) dig deeper.

Drive on.

Sometimes I wish there was a like button. I read this thread often, but rarely have much to contribute. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

 

[AveryElle]

Never a frenzy that wouldn’t be classified as NRE.

That said, I’d be really curious what people’s experiences have been online vs real life - does it feel different for you? I wonder if a frenzied type response is more likely online or not.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Frenzy

For what it’s worth, I’ve seen people enter what I’d say fits this definition of frenzy as subs, as Dom/mes, and as vanilla folk. Humans like connection & attention, sometimes to the level of addiction. BDSM definitely can get you both, but it also happens in vanilla life - the stereotypical oversexed high school/college student for example.

While BDSM can add more on top with subspace, Dom/me(s) focusing attention on you, and/or the rush of sub(s) making you the center of their sex lives or even their whole lives, vanilla sex can IMO be plenty overwhelming as people get into it, especially the first time they find those connections/attention, or later in life if their accustomed level of sexual intimacy changes rapidly stereotypically via loss of a partner via breakup, divorce, death, what have you.

This frenzy doesn’t HAVE to end badly, it’s just riskier than before the temptation/addiction or after lives stabilize. That stability doesn’t even have to be pleasant, just something the person is unwilling to change for whatever reason - example reasons include social expectations, keeping promises, lack of alternatives, etc.

Hope this helps.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

For what it’s worth, I’ve seen people enter what I’d say fits this definition of frenzy as subs, as Dom/mes, and as vanilla folk. Humans like connection & attention, sometimes to the level of addiction. BDSM definitely can get you both, but it also happens in vanilla life - the stereotypical oversexed high school/college student for example.

While BDSM can add more on top with subspace, Dom/me(s) focusing attention on you, and/or the rush of sub(s) making you the center of their sex lives or even their whole lives, vanilla sex can IMO be plenty overwhelming as people get into it, especially the first time they find those connections/attention, or later in life if their accustomed level of sexual intimacy changes rapidly stereotypically via loss of a partner via breakup, divorce, death, what have you.

This frenzy doesn’t HAVE to end badly, it’s just riskier than before the temptation/addiction or after lives stabilize. That stability doesn’t even have to be pleasant, just something the person is unwilling to change for whatever reason - example reasons include social expectations, keeping promises, lack of alternatives, etc.

Hope this helps.

You're college student analogy is spot on.
Thanks for sharing

 

[Acktion]

#53 (submitted)

I've seen a lot lately about sub frenzy. Can you discuss your experience with sub frenzy? Also is Dom frenzy a thing? Does the depth of emotion you have for your partner change the dynamic?

Oh, yes.

I can certainly testify that both sub frenzy and Dom frenzy are a thing.

The last year has been an eye-opening experience for me. In a lot of ways.

While I'd lived the lifestyle for decades, I hadn't really been involved in forums and chat and other digital methods. I was, frankly, too busy with face to face interactions to have much time for it.

Until, that is, my wife died.

I've talked about that ad nauseum elsewhere. And am pretty much done talking about except where it is germane. And in this case, it is germane because I was alone and resigned to being alone.

Not unlike many here. Some who are single. Some who are with someone, but someone who doesn't share... their proclivities for the lifestyle.

Any road, this whole concept of LDR, of forums and chat and Skype and other digital methodologies of exploring the lifestyle was new to me.

And it was at the same time wonderful and interesting and also maddening and frustrating as I attempted to translate what I'd done, what I'd been for so long from a face to face physical interaction wherein I could see, hear, smell, taste, and (above all) feel the other person to words on a screen.

I posted here and there in a few places. And self-proclaimed submissives approached me on the basis of those posts. Some that I thought were friends wanting something more. Some that I thought were something more were actually nothing at all.

I was, of course, as several have pointed out, nothing and no one actually important to them beyond a tool they could use to get their own needs met. A channel they could change, like a radio or television station, to see what else was on.

However, I was too blinded by my own needs to see it at the time. You see, I needed to be needed. I needed to know that I still mattered.

Also, too blind to see my own need for what it was.

I allowed a situation that I'm also done talking about beyond the fact that it drove me off of Lit to another web site.

And, the so-called submissives there were in a frenzy resembling piranha!

I literally received messages from people I'd never even heard of that began, "Hello, my Master. I am kneeling abeyante, awaiting your pleasure of me."

One evening, I had one on the phone and two in text chat. (And yes, we were exploring the sexual side of their submission.) A... friend (that I'd barely spoken to) popped up in chat and was at loose ends. Now, it happens that this friend is in school and working. But, it was between semesters and she was off work, hence being at loose ends.

I pointed out that she was off work for tomorrow and didn't have school. So, she should play and have fun for tonight.

Two hours later, I was tucking the one on the phone into bed, to sleep, and gradually winding the two in text chat to their crescendos. And up pops this friend telling me, "thank you."

"Uh... You're welcome?"

"I wouldn't have without you telling me to," she says.

Stop laughing. No, I didn't get it. Not until a few hours later, she tells me she came for me one hundred and twenty-seven times.

"Uh... huh? What?"

Apparently, I should have been clearer that I was just advising her to kick back and watch a movie or something fun.

In her defense, I hadn't even realized that I had been... leaking. I'd been stepping into her life and giving her a reality check. I had, in effect, been setting myself up to be her Dominant without even realizing it.

On the other hand, I guess she had a whole lot of fun. One hundred and twenty-seven times.

And, she was very insistent that she'd done it for me. Because I had told her to.

Only, I hadn't.

But, I knew how to fix that.

A couple of days later, she started passing the word not to tease this Old Wolf unless you really, really mean it.

And then shit got crazy.

***sigh***

I won't pretend that a part of me didn't enjoy the shit out of it while it lasted. I would roll out of bed and sit at the computer (since I'm apparently the only person in the world that doesn't use a phone to do this shit) until I was too exhausted to carry on as I trained several submissives around the world through various media.

And, yet, it was empty and rather than fulfilling a need, only made my ravening need even stronger until it almost consumed me. I was little more than a Dial-a-Dom.

Shit blew up rather spectacularly. No real point in going into details as they aren't germane, other than the fact that for the third time in two years, I found myself alone and in a very real pain that reached beyond psychological and emotional to affect my physical health as I woke to find myself on the floor with a chair pulled over on top of me and no idea how I'd gotten there.

For three days, I didn't get out of the bed. Couldn't, actually. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. And right on its heels, something went on with my eye that caused it to swell almost shut and be painful to look at the television, much less the brighter computer screen.

Those days, lying in bed, unable to do anything but lie there in the dark with my eyes closed and think, I evaluated myself. And my situation.

And I didn't like what I found.

I had spent over half my life as a Master level Dominant with Daddy tendencies. And, yet, I had allowed myself to be reduced to basically a service top. Sitting here at my computer just waiting and watching for word from someone. And when that word did come, we did what we did not because I wanted to, but because they did. Not to please me, or satisfy my needs, but to please them, and satisfy their wants.

And, even when it frustrated me, when it made me angry, when they pushed me to the point that prior I would not have accepted, I ate it raw rather than be alone once more.

Besides, what one wouldn't give me, there were three others lined up, just waiting to.

But, I realized something extremely painful. Months earlier, a woman... actually, THE woman... the one I'd been ready to walk a thousand miles for, the one I had the paperwork in hand declaring her my beneficiary just waiting for me to sign and file them... had told me, in just so many words, "you are not my Daddy! You are not my Dominant! In fact, you are no kind of Dominant at all! No one would want you that wasn't broken!"

At the time, it had pissed me off. Primarily because I thought it was bullshit since I'd spent months acting exactly as a Daddy Dom to her. Because she'd asked me to one night that I now realize she was drunk and didn't remember. Rather than evaluating at that time, I'd justified it with the knowledge, gleaned from a third party, that she'd actually belonged to another Master the entire time that she'd never admitted to and had just been using me to salvage her self-esteem when he was too busy with another of his stable to give her attention.

And, perhaps... just perhaps... lent oxygen to the spark that turned into a conflagration.

Now, all those months later, I finally paused and took stock and figured out that she'd been right all along. No one who wasn't broken would want me. Because I was broken.

It had begun with death of my wife, been exacerbated by her challenge, and then fed by the many who would use me for a day, a week, a month and then wander off for something more interesting.

I had been topped from the bottom.

I had been a safety net.

I had been a pawn in games played by other Masters and their submissives.

I had been guilty of violating the cardinal tenet, even as I parroted it in my writings, that a Dom must first be in control of themselves before they could control anyone else. I had lost all control of myself. And therefore was incapable of establishing so much as a modicum of control over anyone else.

I had, in effect, become little more than a digital dildo, spending hours typing away fantasies (or speaking them into recordings or over the phone) for self-proclaimed submissive people pleasers to jill themselves off to. To get off and then get off and leave me to look elsewhere for something, anything, to fill the gaping hole they left as they went back to whoever or whatever was their priority above me now that I'd served my purpose.

I became angry at first. Angry at them. Angry at myself. Hell, I was angry at people I hadn't even met yet. I'm not proud of myself to admit that I couldn't even tell you the number of "little sluts in supposed sub frenzy" I made cry when they were unwise enough to message me and ask me to be their Dom before I shoved away from the computer in disgust.

***sigh***

I said I was alone. And I was for a short time.

However, one that had left when the shitstorm blew through for a second time came crawling back on her knees after she decided it wouldn't work with the Dom she left me for, that he was too controlling.

Fortunately, for both of us, I had descended from my rage to apathy.

It wasn't perfect control of myself, no. But, it was a fair enough semblance for the nonce.

"You say you wish to serve me?" I asked. "You wish to submit to me? You told me a month ago that you were going to 'someday' show up on my porch and beg me to use you, to fuck you any way that I want to, just fuck you. Well, that day is today. You will be on my porch, kneeling to me, saying those exact words, in person this time, before the sun sets a second time, or you will understand that whatever you are, you are not my submissive and stop wasting whatever time I have left with these little games."

Frankly, I would have told me to fuck right off.

She didn't.

(I did cut her a little slack for being thirty minutes after the sun had set... Primarily because she had wasted time sitting in a parking lot an hour out, trying to decide if she was going to keep coming or turn around and go home and admit she couldn't.)

That... responsibility settled around my shoulders like a familiar mantle and woke me from my nightmare.

Mostly.

I still get contacted from time to time by miserable little subs in frenzy looking for me to settle their ass down. Some are erstwhile playmates that can't seem to grasp that they aren't going to just get their way anymore. Some see something that I've written somewhere and decided that I would be a good candidate to satisfy secret guilty pleasures for them. A few, I suspect are pawns in games that still seem to be ongoing since their Masters haven't gotten the picture yet that, now that I've realized their game, I have tipped over my king and walked away. A few are friends that I still care about that are wise enough to understand that they do not get anything sexual from me anymore.

I am not anyone's toy.

I am not a dog to be housebroken and kept in the backyard, all but forgotten, when I'm not.

I am not anyone's pawn to be moved by any hand save my own.

I am not anyone's safety net while they trip the flying trapeze with someone else.

I don't play second fiddle in someone else's band.

I am not aftercare to order for some Emotional Sadist in Wolf's clothing, to put their broken fucktoy back in working order until the next time they pick them up.

I am not a teddy bear to be taken down off a shelf to soak up tears when the person they want doesn't want them, only to be cast aside upon their return.

I control me now. Again. Finally.

And I control her because she has given herself to me. Completely.

I accept no more flat "No" and yet continue to hang around because I don't have to. In the rare circumstance that I ask for something in (rare) ignorance she can't (currently) give, she takes the initiative to give me the closest approximation that she can.

I accept no more scattered crumbs because she has laid out a banquet for me and me alone.

And, she never, ever, fails to see what I do for her and thank me for it. To value me and what I do. To appreciate what I give to her freely because she gives to me fully and completely. Recognizing that for each task I set her, I take on ten myself that she has not to worry about.

She also recognizes just how much damage was done to me... that I allowed to be done to me... that I did to myself while I was in my own frenzy and allowed myself to be controlled by subs in frenzy and subs whose Doms were playing games behind the scenes. She understands when she faces a price brought on by a scar left behind by those I was unwise enough to entrust a shard of my shattered heart to during that frenzy. And has played no small part in healing me, in helping me to heal myself.

Not least, that she makes me want to. So that I can accept what she gives to me (and only to me) and I can give all that she can take...

... until she collapses in satisfied exhaustion, having taken enough of my edge off that I can wait and watch over her while she sleeps, while she re-energizes for the next round.

Any road, that's been my experiences with what I've come to recognize was a frenzy. As it happens, the frenzy happened while I was engaged only in on-line, phone, text, etc. I had not had experiences with it in my prior life, when all my interactions were face to face. I do not have it now that there is a face-to-face component to my LDR. However, correlation does not imply causation, so I can not state authoritatively that the frenzy was because it lacked the all important component of touch.

But, I know what I believe.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Also, too blind to see my own need for what it was.

I allowed a situation that I'm also done talking about beyond the fact that it drove me off of Lit to another web site.

*hugs*

I read your whole post and these two parts stood out to me because they are so relatable, from the other side of the spectrum.

Always the girl who waits.
Always the girl who gives more.
Always the girl left behind.

I feel like my cup is so incredibly empty. Even when I try to fill it up, there's a crack in it that keeps it from happening because I'm broken.

I'm sorry you've felt this way before.

*hugs*




Ok, these 2 posts are probably close to the most real things I've ever seen shared on lit.
Acktion, we don't know one another but damn that was heartfelt. I hope you take the hug. You deserve it.

Indie. I love you.

I have a friend here who told me one day that she used to have 5 or 6 chats screens open, sexting, as well as on her phone, because otherwise she felt empty. But that the real emptiness would hit when they were done because she never got what she wanted.

These posts reminded me of that conversation.
I am not sure I can put into words why these situations hit me so hard, other than that they are very real, and that some of it, is part of why I have anxiety issues now and if poor Tolyk sleeps in he wakes up to 19 random crazy girl messages some days.
It reminds me of a different situation, one that took away my sparkle for a long time. One with a lot of deception and me striving for the unattainable while being made to feel like I was the problem.

Real people with real hearts are on the other sides of keyboards and unfortunately some forget that.


Thank you for sharing and being real.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#53 (submitted)

I've seen a lot lately about sub frenzy. Can you discuss your experience with sub frenzy? Also is Dom frenzy a thing? Does the depth of emotion you have for your partner change the dynamic?

First off, let me thank everyone who contributed to this question and answer. It was very interesting reading and I just wanted to say many of the posts touched me heart.

I have experienced "frenzy" several times in my life, as the dom and with a sub, but it has always occurred within the context of an in person relationship, so it was bookmarked by love, respect, and care. I've certainly had "cyber frenzy" a time or two over the years in virtual encounters/relationships, but I've always had the awareness of when it was primarily sexual and I didn't mistake it for more than it was, so there was a lot here that was eye opening for me.

Yes, love and depth of emotion do change the dynamic, in the same way that a casual sexual encounter or a "booty call partner" has it's own dynamic which, in some ways, can be more intense that a loving encounter, at least in my book. I think the heart of the matter is this - partners need to learn to be as clear as they can with each other about their wants and needs. It's risky ground when we get confused by "I want X from someone and you're available" and "I want X from YOU and I will make myself available".

Here's how I've always kept those two separate. When it is a real relationship building, there are very few communication rules or guidelines. You can pick up the phone, send a text, instant message and you'll get a response in a reasonably timely fashion - and if your answer is "I can't talk now" or one of the variants there is a reason and the partner accepts the reason. If there are rules around communication or intermittent communications, then mostly I suspect I am being played. And that's okay, as long as I understand that it's play and that it's reciprocal play, not the pursuit of a deeper relationships.

 

[cookiecat]

I read your whole post and these two parts stood out to me because they are so relatable, from the other side of the spectrum.

Always the girl who waits.
Always the girl who gives more.
Always the girl left behind.

I feel like my cup is so incredibly empty. Even when I try to fill it up, there's a crack in it that keeps it from happening because I'm broken.

I'm sorry you've felt this way before.

Without sounding super cliche, once I stopped waiting, once I didn't give as much, and once I ran on my own, I felt whole and I found Mr. cookie.

For the longest time, I wanted a Dominant to fix me. Help me. Organize me. Make me eat vegetables. And love me for the hot mess I said I was.

I am still incredibly happy I found D/s and that there are Dominant people who enjoy, desire, even need my submission. But my submission doesn't equal my flaws or insecurities. Those are just part of ME.

Until I realized I had to clean up my own hot mess, I couldn't offer anyone much. I was in a series of unhappy, unfulfilling relationships that left me insecure, hurt, feeling crazy. It's like I was a beacon for guys who needed a broken doll. I never really said what I wanted or expected. I morphed myself in to someone I thought a guy wanted. I allowed guys to treat me less than as I felt like I gave and gave.

Anyways, indie, I don't know your story or you very well - so forgive me if I'm talking out of turn. This has nothing to do with sub frenzy. Or maybe it does? Maybe I was so desperate, so needy to be submissive, to feel my submission that I lost myself along the way?

Hard lessons.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Cookie and Indie - you two just dropped a lot of wisdom here. It applies equally to men and women, doms and subs.

Life is lived in patterns. When our patterns are essentially broken (they're not giving us, ultimately, what we want and need) then we have ahead of us the whole challenging specter of changing our patterns.

(My patterns don't relate so much to my sexual life, though they played out there. For many years I suffered from PTSD and denial. I crashed through bad and unsatisfying relationships in a pretty vicious cycle until I came to the realization that I had a broken pattern - I had cause and effect twisted around in a pretty impressive bowl of spaghetti. It took a decade of a lot of personal work and counseling to find my way through. Eventually I found the tools that took me out of the mind-set I was in, which was the root cause. I always tell people "this whole being human thing is a rough journey". I still have PTSD of course, it never actually goes away, I just recognize it for what it is when it's playing sneaky games in my choices and have the tools to manage it far more effectively.)

 

[cookiecat]

I haven't felt frenzied in a long, long time, so I didn't think I had much to contribute. Avery's post about online vs real life stuck in my head, then Acktion's post made me really think this through.

Acktion wrote:

I had been guilty of violating the cardinal tenet, even as I parroted it in my writings, that a Dom must first be in control of themselves before they could control anyone else. I had lost all control of myself. And therefore was incapable of establishing so much as a modicum of control over anyone else.

I had, in effect, become little more than a digital dildo, spending hours typing away fantasies (or speaking them into recordings or over the phone) for self-proclaimed submissive people pleasers to jill themselves off to. To get off and then get off and leave me to look elsewhere for something, anything, to fill the gaping hole they left as they went back to whoever or whatever was their priority above me now that I'd served my purpose.

Being online allowed my brain to conjure up grandiose feelings, make things larger than life. I couldn't control my lust or rational thinking. My pussy did all the thinking.

Was someone really dominating me? Controlling me? No. They were simply a direction giver. UsuallyPresent mentioned feeling addicted to the attention. And I think that was part of it. It was easy to mistake this lust for actual affection. The attention meant someone liked me. Taking orders or completing tasks meant I was submissive. Ummm. No. I was just doing a thing that made me feel horny. My pussy told my brain this lust was love.

Cassie talked earlier about ending a scene alone, sobbing. Acktion talks of feeling empty. Angry.

And that's the thing. In a face to face situation, for me, that frenzy never got out of control because someone else was ACTUALLY controlling the situation. Sure, I've felt lusty and horny and crazy but someone was there to guide it, guide me. And then be there for the after stuff. In person, I knew the person. Paul talked about having frenzy bookmarked with love and respect. I can feel that in person.

Online, I can exaggerate what someone says. I can easily put more importance on a text or a phone call than there really is. I can twist time and lack of communication in to something sadly insecure and meaningful when really, NOT hearing from someone meant nothing.

Once I stopped mistaking drama and pussy-thinking for love and affection, I was actually more peaceful in my relationships.

 

[cookiecat]

For me, I believe it has everything to do with poor coping mechanisms and trying to feel loved, wanted, needed, sexy, and valuable in a manic frenzy rather than a sub frenzy. While giving myself to other people might feel good in the moment, it's a temporary high and then I come crashing down feeling more empty and alone than I did before.

Manic frenzy. This sounds more devastating than sub frenzy, maybe because it's more encompassing?

Paul's post after yours is spot on. I hope you find the tools to break that cycle, indie.

 

[AnnieLit]

I am not ready to talk about it, or even to really think this through, but THANK YOU for the question.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

As a follow-up, how do you see sub frenzy as related to the typical high enthusiasm people have on taking up a new activity? Is it the intimate nature of the acts that make it somehow more intense than say a person obsessing over lifting weights or pottery?

I guess because the BDSM aspect of our love life has evolved slowly over the years, this never happened. She still gets very turned on by restraint, sensory deprivation and mild impact play, but I wouldn't typify it as "frenzy".

 

[AlwaysFara]

I am not ready to talk about it, or even to really think this through, but THANK YOU for the question.

I hope you’re okay.

 

[AnnieLit]

I hope you’re okay.

I am, or at least I think I am.
Thank you, Fara

 

[Tallcajun]

I haven't felt frenzied in a long, long time, so I didn't think I had much to contribute. Avery's post about online vs real life stuck in my head, then Acktion's post made me really think this through.

Acktion wrote:



Being online allowed my brain to conjure up grandiose feelings, make things larger than life. I couldn't control my lust or rational thinking. My pussy did all the thinking.

Was someone really dominating me? Controlling me? No. They were simply a direction giver. UsuallyPresent mentioned feeling addicted to the attention. And I think that was part of it. It was easy to mistake this lust for actual affection. The attention meant someone liked me. Taking orders or completing tasks meant I was submissive. Ummm. No. I was just doing a thing that made me feel horny. My pussy told my brain this lust was love.

Cassie talked earlier about ending a scene alone, sobbing. Acktion talks of feeling empty. Angry.

And that's the thing. In a face to face situation, for me, that frenzy never got out of control because someone else was ACTUALLY controlling the situation. Sure, I've felt lusty and horny and crazy but someone was there to guide it, guide me. And then be there for the after stuff. In person, I knew the person. Paul talked about having frenzy bookmarked with love and respect. I can feel that in person.

Online, I can exaggerate what someone says. I can easily put more importance on a text or a phone call than there really is. I can twist time and lack of communication in to something sadly insecure and meaningful when really, NOT hearing from someone meant nothing.

Once I stopped mistaking drama and pussy-thinking for love and affection, I was actually more peaceful in my relationships.

Cookie is s wise cat!

 

[cookiecat]

As a follow-up, how do you see sub frenzy as related to the typical high enthusiasm people have on taking up a new activity? Is it the intimate nature of the acts that make it somehow more intense than say a person obsessing over lifting weights or pottery?

I guess because the BDSM aspect of our love life has evolved slowly over the years, this never happened. She still gets very turned on by restraint, sensory deprivation and mild impact play, but I wouldn't typify it as "frenzy".

I think indie's post right below yours explains the difference between frenzy and enthusiastic arousal.

Cookie is a wise cat!

Thanks.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Fuck!

Ok, I'm posting the official Inquiring Minds list so far. I'm posting it for two reasons. One, so people can see what we've answered and be inspired to submit new questions. Two, because I am going to take about five of these questions and start independent threads. If someone thinks one of these would be good for continuing conversation please feel free!! As always the goal is promote discussion and community.

plp

1. What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink? How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc. Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

2. Experience! How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
3. Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?

4. How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

5. There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

6. Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term? I think we may all learn some new words!

7. Physical, mental or emotional attraction. Can BDSM be 'done' without one of those things? Should it be done without one of those things? Can it be done with none of those? Should it be done with none of those? Have you ever been mentally/sexually attracted to someone you weren't at all physically attracted to? How did you handle it?

8. Sensory deprivation! Blindfolds, earmuffs, noise cancelling headphones, even complete restraint. It seems to be a hard limit for a lot of people. Do you have experience with SD? If yes, what do you like/hate about? If no, is there any level of SD that you would try? Why do you think it's so scary for some people?

9. Sub-drop. Dom-drop. I hesitate to assign a definition to these ideas because after researching a bit, everyone defines and experiences it differently. How do you define sub/Dom drop? If you've experienced it, how did it affect you and how did you handle that? This feeling is often tied to the Domspace or subspace idea - have they always been linked in your experience?

10. Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship? If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner? Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression? subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant? We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

11. When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc) Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

12. Online & Real Life Kink Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle. How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past? If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?) This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.

13. If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life? Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?

14.Contracts Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract? What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

15. Oral Mentality When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'. Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.

16. Want and Needs What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags? Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

17. What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough? What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

18. Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting? Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

19. Roleplaying IRL and online. How into role-playing are you IRL or online? Taking punishment as an example - does your arousal come from being punished and you don't really care why, or is the "why" a huge part getting into subspace or domspace for you? How important is the storyline? So just to expand upon the original question - what about being yourself but roleplaying situations you can't be in at the moment - either because you are online and not physically together or because it's safer to RP the scenario than explore it?

20. Switching. Are you, have you, could you ever switch? If yes, how does one experience relate to the other? Do you feel a literal "switching" of personality/desire? Do you identify more as one or are you equally balanced? If no, would you? If it doesnt appeal, why not?

21. What part of BDSM are YOU most knowledgeable about? Is there any kink, fetish, or aspect of BDSM you particularly feel passionate or knowledgeable about? Please share your wisdom. What is your knowledge level? How have you gained experience? What do you love about it? What are the key points you'd like to get across to someone with an interest? Any dangers to watch out for? Tips? Resources? Anything else we should know? Edited to add: In an effort to stray from the typical D/s PYL/pyl questions (and because your fearful leader is such a green little newbie), I want to know some other BDSM avenues you guys like to explore? Maybe not even fully BDSM maybe it's just a particular kink you like and have a knowledge base in. C'mon! It's like the science fair of kink!

22. Mindfucking. Do you like it? Like to do it? What are some ways you have or like to experience a good mind fuck? If you like, share some good and/or bad experiences.

23. The Partner Influence. Are there any kinks or specific acts that you only tried because your partner wanted to try? Did they appeal afterwards? How much of what you like now has been influenced by partners of the past?

24. Kink Evolution. How has your perception of kink / bdsm changed since you got involved in it? Do people in your life know you have a kinky streak? Do you think people in other forums think the BDSM forum is weird, scary?

25. Limit Evolution. How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

26. Orgasms! Orgasm Denial. Forced Orgasms. Ruined Orgasms. Orgasm Owning. There has been lots of talk of orgasms lately (well more than usual). Is there a particular way you like yours during bdsm play? Have you experimented with a certain type of orgasm play that just didn't work for you?

27. Collars. Leashes. Physical items of ownership. How do you feel about these ideas/items? What experience do you have? Do they have meaning for you outside of play? What is their meaning during play? Have you used anything other than a collar to symbolize ownership etc?

28. Do you feel like D/s relationships are more intimate that vanilla relationships (on line or off)? Do you feel like they are more intense? Why or why not? D/s relationships often begin with a lot of talk, negotiations, formality - in your experience have the endings of those relationships been the same? Have your D/s breakups been harder to move past than your more vanilla relationships?

29. Let's Lighten Up. "What was the funniest thing that ever happened to you in a kink based encounter, or what was the funniest thing you heard of?"

30. Masturbation. Have you masturbated in front of a partner? Have you masturbated a partner to the point of cumming (doing nothing else but masturbating)? Have you shared your fantasies or your porn with a partner? Have you ever tried mutual masturbation with no penetration?

31. Continuing Education & Mentors. We've talked about the past but what's the newest thing you've tried or learned about? Have you ever been the one to teach someone something brand new to them?

32. Acceptance. Was it hard for you to accept your kink or a particular one of your kinks? Did you feel ambivalent, embarrassed, awkward or ashamed of it? How were you able to embrace this as a positive part of yourself? Are/were there kinks of your partners (past or present) that you had a hard time embracing? Were you able to accept or was it a deal breaker?

33. Kink Deal Breakers. What in a <insert your kink here> partner raises a red flag for you? What traits would be deal breakers? Has someone ever pointed out a trait in you that was a deal breaker for them?

34. Cross Pollenating Kink. Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel? Have you ever gone out of your way to learn more about a partner's specific kink? How did you go about it? What was the result (i.e. how did your partner feel about it)?

35. Topping from the Bottom. Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it? How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?

36. Pure Voyeurism. Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you? Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic? Have you ever asked for specific videos or pictures from someone? What was your motivation? (Seeing someone you'd gotten to know? Nudity is always good? Were you trying to see what you could get someone to share?) Has making someone exhibit themselves ever felt like a conquest?

37. Emotional Exhibitionism. How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel? (To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

38. Stress. Do you find that your emotional state affects your kink? Does it become more extreme when your daily life is challenging, or do you find you don’t have the emotional space for it?

39. Equality. Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

40. Sexting/Cybering. Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?*Do you self stimulate while texting?*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?

41. Fresh Ideas. Where do you get fresh inspiration? Have you ever asked another Dom/sub for ideas or advice? What about recommendations for implementing new structures within your dynamic (rules, limits, play ideas, tasks, etc) What is some of the best advice you've gotten from a peer?

42. When you encounter a Kink that you don't get, how do you react? Live and let live? Get away from me you perv? Please explain? Something else?

43. Subversion. What about you subverts your kink's stereotype? Is it your gender, race, body type? In what areas in your kink do you wish you see more diversity break the stereotype?

44. D/s as ____ Can you make an argument that D/s can be therapeutic? Can a healthy D/s relationship take the place of other healthy activities or motivators in your life? I.e. a personal trainer, teacher, manager, etc. Have you ever experienced this dynamic? Would you like to? Do you recommend this or is it creating a dependency on someone else?

45. Tasks. Do you like a task oriented D/s dynamic? Do you to give/receive frequent tasks as part of a connection routine OR does this breech to far into the 24/7 lifestyle for you? If you do like or have experienced a task based dynamic, what kind of tasks did you enjoy giving or completing? What kind of emotions do you like the tasks to illicit? (pride, connection, humiliation, control?) How do you track or "prove" your tasks, if distance is an issue? What non-sexual tasks do you perform for your Dom or ask your sub to perform? Are there non-sexual that, when shared, have a sexual connotation for you or your partner?

46. Serious v. Silly. Do you take your kink seriously at all times? Or do you allow for moments of silliness? How do these moments affect the dynamic with your partner?

47. Pain: Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally? Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

48. Where do you draw your line with bodily fluids? Do some turn you on more than others? How do you feel about your own fluids? Are there certain areas that you'd like to explore more in this area with your partner? To ask some specific questions - How do you feel about your own cum? Spit - where is a yes and a no? Period sex (this is a hot topic right now over on the PG) hot or not? Pee play - have you? would you? Feel free to add anything else!

49. Continuing Education. How important is it to you personally to educate yourself on your kinks? If you subscribe to a label, do you thoroughly research it before you "let it stick" or do you things just feel right? If you like the educational side of kink - what is your preferred method of learning? how has it changed your views? what are the downsides, if any?

50. If you identify as a Dom do you have a fantasy of being dominated? Being tied, humiliated, spanked... or how would it look? If you are a male Dom would you like to experience being pegged? For subs would you want to top if a Dom asked you to?

51. Do you use your gear/toys/items across partners? Would it bother you if your partner did? Does cost matter? Is it an emotional thing?

52. In your opinion and for your needs - What makes a good Dom/Top/PYL? What makes a good sub/bottom/pyl?

53. Can you discuss your experience with sub frenzy? Also is Dom frenzy a thing? Does the depth of emotion you have for your partner change the dynamic?

 

[AlwaysFara]

You’ve put in some great work here, Pulp.
Thank you.

 

[barefootgirl69]

as i've just joined literotica this summer
the summer when so much changed for the better for me
i'm a bit late for these discussions of the past
and i'm also quite new to the world of BDSM
so maybe i'll look up some of the discussions in this thread
thanks for putting the questions together

Welcome to Lit.