rosebud5446
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a friend in need...
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Ravin the Poet
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Agree with the above. History is a good indictation of what will happen, and it's just well noted that one hit is not the last of a long string of violence. As you said, she was hit and he moved yet still tries to keep his domiance over her. This is over the phone, so just imagine what it will be like in person.
I hate suggestion to people they break up. Maybe they need some martial help, and he needs anger management classes to help him deal. I'd always seek help first, rather then just end it because love had to be their for them to get married. Maybe like 2% of the time it's not.
I hate suggestion to people they break up. Maybe they need some martial help, and he needs anger management classes to help him deal. I'd always seek help first, rather then just end it because love had to be their for them to get married. Maybe like 2% of the time it's not.
EJFan
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i completely agree with everything else above. sadly, she won't do anything until she's good and ready... hopefully that's sooner rather than later.
i think it's typical for a woman in this position to be in denial. she has to make up her own mind but if she hears it often enough, and from people she respects, she'll likely make the right decision. i think you have to be steadfast in your opinion and present it to her in a caring, objective manner... and until she reaches the point that she's empowered enough to make a move, i think you can only be helpful, understanding (perhaps protective) and supportive. it's a tough spot to be in but if you want to help her you have to keep trying to enable her to make the right decision on her own.
i'm not sure if it's appropriate to be confrontational (depends on the person i suppose) but maybe if she sat down with you, her other friends and family members (sort of an intervention but maybe more loosely designed) and realized that she's not alone that could really get the ball rolling.
i think it's typical for a woman in this position to be in denial. she has to make up her own mind but if she hears it often enough, and from people she respects, she'll likely make the right decision. i think you have to be steadfast in your opinion and present it to her in a caring, objective manner... and until she reaches the point that she's empowered enough to make a move, i think you can only be helpful, understanding (perhaps protective) and supportive. it's a tough spot to be in but if you want to help her you have to keep trying to enable her to make the right decision on her own.
i'm not sure if it's appropriate to be confrontational (depends on the person i suppose) but maybe if she sat down with you, her other friends and family members (sort of an intervention but maybe more loosely designed) and realized that she's not alone that could really get the ball rolling.
subwannabe
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She really needs counseling if there is any possible way you can get her to go. This personality trait will stick with her the rest of her life and even if she dumps him, she will find someone else who will treat her the exact same way. Good luck. She needs a lot more help than even you realize.
seekingjoy
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Ravin the Poet said:
This last line really jumped out at me. In my experience, I'd say this is way off. It could be that you are much younger than I am and that results in a different experience so far. But just in my close circle of friends I'd say a good 50% of them married at least once when they were not in love. Their reasons, in no particular order and some apply to more than one person -
- they were in too deep to leave. marriage was the natural conclusion.
- other people thought he/she was a great catch
- one (honest to goodness) confessed he married his wife because the love of his life cheated and dumped him and he wanted to beat her to the alter to show her what a catch she threw away.
-one was tetering on bankruptcy and had just filed 5 years earlier so marriage was her financial rescue
and the WORST reason of all
-she thought she could fix his life
I agree with the statement that this friend needs some deep counciling. If love did exist before she married him, I'm not sure it was a healthy love. And it could be that years from now she will be able to recognize that "love" was more like one of the above...just a reason. And it would be awful for her to suffer one day she doesn't have to rather than maybe just face she made the wrong choice.
My 2 cents.
rosebud5446
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emap
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Telling her this may help, though I suppose should point out I am not an expert in this and I may leave out things, but well it should help get her to realize that once is never enough.
Abused wives tend to be the last to realize just how bad someone is, generally the way it starts is with excuses for him, he had a really bad day, he was drunk, it was a joke and he doesn't know his own strength. After that it goes to I slipped, I was looking for an earring and the door opened, a book fell on my face from the top shelf. Then it progresses to ever pulled shades, big dark glasses, scarf's pulled down to hide the face, long sleeves and skirts. Well after that it goes to 'I swear officer she was leaving and I was trying to convince her to stay for counseling and we started arguing and she fell on the knife 48 times.'
No matter what he says, does, or promises, a man who just up and punches his wife once will do it again and again. they do not stop, they can on occassion with plenty of therapy not for extended periods, however get even a rehabilitating beater mad and they will more likely than not beat again. They know it's not good, well some do anyway, but it is still something they grew up learning is the right way to deal with stress, something not the way they want it, just because they feel like hitting something. There is no actual way of healing them from this, it is much the same as swearing, once you start you can't stop, the best you can manage is to try and remember to say something silly instead, you will still swear just your own brand of it, sadly there is no similar thing for beating, they usually beat things besides the wife anyway.
The only defense from becoming another in a long, long list of wives killed by abusive husbands and abusive husbands killed by battered wives is to leave NOW. You would be helping him as much as you, an abusive husband left enough times will stop beating the wife, instead they pound the wall and go for a walk, hopefully go for a walk, if they go to a bar almost always they return to the wife and beat her then. There is no cure, there is only a hope of searing the wrongness of his actions into his brain by LEAVING HIM. Enough women walk out on a beater and they resign themselves to living alone and paying for sex, just be glad you do not have any children of his, there are quite enough wife beaters out there.
Abused wives tend to be the last to realize just how bad someone is, generally the way it starts is with excuses for him, he had a really bad day, he was drunk, it was a joke and he doesn't know his own strength. After that it goes to I slipped, I was looking for an earring and the door opened, a book fell on my face from the top shelf. Then it progresses to ever pulled shades, big dark glasses, scarf's pulled down to hide the face, long sleeves and skirts. Well after that it goes to 'I swear officer she was leaving and I was trying to convince her to stay for counseling and we started arguing and she fell on the knife 48 times.'
No matter what he says, does, or promises, a man who just up and punches his wife once will do it again and again. they do not stop, they can on occassion with plenty of therapy not for extended periods, however get even a rehabilitating beater mad and they will more likely than not beat again. They know it's not good, well some do anyway, but it is still something they grew up learning is the right way to deal with stress, something not the way they want it, just because they feel like hitting something. There is no actual way of healing them from this, it is much the same as swearing, once you start you can't stop, the best you can manage is to try and remember to say something silly instead, you will still swear just your own brand of it, sadly there is no similar thing for beating, they usually beat things besides the wife anyway.
The only defense from becoming another in a long, long list of wives killed by abusive husbands and abusive husbands killed by battered wives is to leave NOW. You would be helping him as much as you, an abusive husband left enough times will stop beating the wife, instead they pound the wall and go for a walk, hopefully go for a walk, if they go to a bar almost always they return to the wife and beat her then. There is no cure, there is only a hope of searing the wrongness of his actions into his brain by LEAVING HIM. Enough women walk out on a beater and they resign themselves to living alone and paying for sex, just be glad you do not have any children of his, there are quite enough wife beaters out there.
M's girl
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I agree you have to be honest and speak your mind. It does not help her if people only tell her what she wants or needs to hear, because that will shift all the time. People who are in distructive relationships like this one are often completely emotionally unstable. They reach out for help but are pulled back by the one that treats them badly all the time. And being in doubt and feeling insecure are their main emotional state of mind.rosebud5446 said:
Be there for her and be honest. Reason with her but realize that SHE has to be convinced herself that it's best to leave this relationship. Until she does, she will resent people who will only support her if and when she does that, because as long as she doubts and he has an influence on her you will sometimes want to strangle her yourself for her stupidities. Understand her state of mind. She needs to know that you will ALWAYS be there for her. Whatever she decides and never mind how often she changes her mind..
And that is hard to do..... Good luck!
