A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Sport...

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her pubic hair.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Christmas...

I suddenly put on a lot of weight over Christmas so I rang Weight Watchers. I said "It's an emergency. Can you send somebody round?" They said, "Yes, we have loads like that."

 

[done_got_old]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Astronomy...

Tell a man there are a billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you, but tell him a fence has just been painted and he'll have to touch it first.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Building...

Our neighbour had a penis extension. Now his house looks really stupid.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Farming...

Little Alice was very late for school one morning. When she finally arrived the teacher looked up and was clearly annoyed. "Where have you been until this time Alice?" he asked. "I'm sorry I'm late sir", she replied. "I had to take our Daisy cow to visit Farmer Jones' bull".

Her teacher's immediate reaction would have been to scold her because she should have been in school rather than wandering around the village leading a cow. However, instead of saying that he decided to show a little more understanding, so he calmly asked her, "Well couldn't your father have done that?" "No sir", she replied, "Only the bull."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Hmmm...

Q. What is brown and sticky.
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A. A stick.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Keep it in the family...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and they had let him go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

And that's when she shot him.
(sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut).

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Travel...

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits the windscreen?
A. Its a*se.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

One for the Ladies...

40 Reasons why Bananas are better than MEN:

1. Bananas are always stiff.
2. Bananas don't fart.
3. No one cares if you have 2 bananas at the same time.
4. You only eat a banana if you feel like it.
5. You don't mind swallowing a banana.

6. A banana is easy to pick up, or drop whenever you feel like it.
7. You can test a banana in a supermarket to see how firm it is before you take it home.
8. The average banana is at least 6 inches long.
9. The average banana stays hard for a week.
10. Another woman will NEVER try to steal YOUR banana.

11. A banana doesn't care if you are a virgin / you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
12. A banana won't tell other bananas you're not a virgin anymore.
13. A banana won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
14. A banana won't leave you wondering for a month.
15. A banana will never give you a hickey.

16. A banana's only purpose in life is to satisfy you.
17. A banana can last the whole night through.
18. With a banana, you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
19. You can use a banana, then serve it up in a fruit salad for your Sister & Brother-in law.
20. A banana never suffers from performance anxiety.

21. A banana can get away any weekend.
22. With a banana you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Banana'.
23. You can go to a drive in movie with a banana, stay in the front seat, and see the whole movie.
24. A banana can always wait until you get home.
25. A banana won't eat all the popcorn.

26. A banana won't have a mid-life crisis or sex hang-up.
27. A banana won't pick up a guitar and try to find itself.
28. A banana won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
29. A banana doesn't ask, "Was I the first / best".
30. A banana doesn't ask, "Did you come? / How many times?"

31. A banana won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes over.
32. A banana will never make a scene because there are other bananas in the fridge.
33. You can have as many bananas as you want, and no-one will care.
34. A banana will never expect you to have little bananas.
35. You always know where your banana has been.

36. A banana never forgets to flush the toilet.
37. A banana doesn't flush the toilet when you are in the shower,
38. A banana won't tell you it likes you better with long/short/dark/blonde hair.
39. A banana will never leave you for :-
Another woman / Another man / Another banana.
40. No matter how old you are you can always get another banana.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

... and just to be fair...

One for the guys (well... for the Gun Lobby really).

6 Reasons why Men Prefer Guns to Women:

1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22
2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally everyday;
5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
... and last but not least...
6. You can buy a silencer for a gun!

(sorry ladies - just trying to be fair )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A Fairy Story...

After sex I often feel Sleepy and Happy, but the other five dwarves get jealous.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Moral Of the Day...

Moral Of the Day...
You're only young once, but you can be immature for ever.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

King Arthur's Challenge:

Before you start... ask yourself this question:-
Do I really have time for this?


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's challenge to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the courtiers' wives, the priests, the wise men, even the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the true answer. But they warnded him that the price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last days of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, and often made obscene noises... He had never come across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too great a sacrifice, to save Arthur's life and preserve the honour of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants, is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it came to pass. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.


What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bed chamber, but what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, former self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Now it was Gawain who was troubled for an answer.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question!
Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, a spooky old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.


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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

And what is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Personal Space...

A woman caught her husband masturbating in the bathroom for the second time in as many days.

"Am I not enough for you?" she cried. "What am I doing wrong?"

He just looked back at her, clearly embarrassed and unable to answer.

"Tell me what you want me to do so this doesn't happen any more!" she asked.

"Try knocking?" he replied.

 

[Lonelyonejm]

...........

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Savings...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and they had let him go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

And that's when she shot him.
(sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut).

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Life Saver...

A woman's dog has fallen off the pier and is drowning in the sea.
A passing German dwarf dives in, pulls out the dog resuscitates it & saves its life.

"Oh Thank you. Thank you," the woman cries.
"Are you a Little Vet?" she asks.

"A Little Vet?" said the German dwarf , " I'm F***ing Soaked!"

(sorry - hope that isn't racist )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Fake...

Boycott Shampoo!
Demand Real Poo!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Evasive...

I keep trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key ring but she just keeps fobbing me off.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Saving Water...

Two novice nuns were sharing a bath.
One said, "Where's the soap?"
The other said, "I know it does but I just can't help myself."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Epitaph...

My uncle was found dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his backside.
At his funeral, the vicar said he would always be remembered for his charity work.
WRONG!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Can't see it myself...

A blind man went into a shop and started swinging his dog around in circles above his head.
The assistant came over and asked him "What on earth are you doing?"
"Just looking," he replied.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Evening Meal...

A husband and wife are out to dinner and the lady is turning a glass of vino in her hands.
She says, thoughtfully "You know I really love you. You're the one that makes my life worth living."
The husband looks up and smiles, replying "Is that the wine talking?"
She says "No. It was me talking to the wine."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Doctor Doctor...

I went to my doctor and he said, "Hello. I haven't seen you in a while."
I said, "Sorry - I haven't been well."

He said "What's the problem?"
I told him, "Doctor. It hurts when I lift my arm above my head."
He said, "Well don't do it then."
I said "I've also hurt my leg in several places."
He said "Well don't go there any more."

I asked him, "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

He's really rude too! My mum went to see him and she said, "I've got a bad back."
He told her "It's old age."
She said, "I want a second opinion," so he said "OK. you're ugly as well."

She said, "I've got a sore throat."
He told her to go over to the window and stick her tongue out.
She said, "Why?
He said, "I don't like my neighbours."

Mind you - he is pretty smart.
A couple of weeks ago he told me, "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu."
So I went there and I caught it."

I told him, people keep making fun of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.
He said "Howzat?'
I said, "Don't you start."

My uncle went to see him and he asked, "What seems to be the problem?"
Uncle said, "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises."
The doctor said, "Blimey! How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Anyone still awake