A Joke A Day

[bone251]

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Wow. In all of my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel in here. What can I get for you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

 

[Coranhorn]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

 

[done_got_old]

"The letter 'W' is the most dangerous alphabet in the world. Because all worries start with 'W'.... Who, Why, What, When, Which, Whom, Where, War, Wine, Whisky, and Wealth."

"You're forgetting one."

"Really? Which one?"

"Wife!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Exercise...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

 

[Coranhorn]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

[Coranhorn]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Australians...

(read aloud with an Aussie accent)
Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

 

[bone251]

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.
I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?"
"It was bread in captivity,” she replied.

 

[Coranhorn]

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Travel...

Him. I was thinking about taking you on holiday to Bermuda again.
Her. Again?
Him. Yeah. I thought about it once before.

 

[bone251]

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his
favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a
spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They are for the funeral" she replied.

 

[mj83]

now you're thinking!

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Pets...

I was watching our dog chasing his tail and I was thinking 'Dogs are easily amused'...
Then I realised I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Ahhh... well...

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Yuk...

Q. What's warm and moist and makes you want to rip your pants off in a hurry?
A. Diarrhoea.

 

[DarkSimian]

Bob was an avid golfer, and so when he died, he asked all his family and friends to drop a golf ball into the grave after the casket was lowered. Little Johnnie dropped his ball in, but he seemed lost in thought. So his mother asked him what was wrong. Johnny replied, "I guess it's a good thing Grandpa Bob wasn't a bowler."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Q. What's warm and moist and makes you want to rip your pants off in a hurry?
A. Diarrhoea.

newtons fourth law of motion: Loose motion cannot be done in slow motion.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Support Groups...

It's my constipation recovery group meeting tonight ... but I can't go.

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

What do you call a chicken that crossed the road, rolled in the dirt and crossed the road again?

A dirty double crosser.

(A joke from when I was a child)

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Camping...

There's seems to be a problem with the whole concept of camping in the US.
I've heard that some National Parks have ridiculously long waiting lists.
I mean - when you have to book in advance to sleep in the open next to a tree, something has to be seriously wrong.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Love...

They say that make up sex is the best… which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
(only joking - he he )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Medicare - Nursing Home Plan G

I don't normally go in for things like this, but I saw it and thought I simply have to share it


Medicare - Nursing Home Plan G
Offer available to UK citizens only.

Let's say... you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself. The government tells you that, due to cutbacks, there is no Nursing Home care available for you.

So - What do you do?
You opt for "Medicare Plan G" of course.

This plan offers anyone aged 75 or over, a free gun (Plan G), plus one bullet.
The terms of the plan allow you to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? - No problem.
Need new glasses? - All good.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
These are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! - And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And the added bonus is - you will get rid of a useless politician into the bargain.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't even have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

 

[Coranhorn]

I don't normally go in for things like this, but I saw it and thought I simply have to share it


Medicare - Nursing Home Plan G
Offer available to UK citizens only.

Let's say... you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself. The government tells you that, due to cutbacks, there is no Nursing Home care available for you.

So - What do you do?
You opt for "Medicare Plan G" of course.

This plan offers anyone aged 75 or over, a free gun (Plan G), plus one bullet.
The terms of the plan allow you to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? - No problem.
Need new glasses? - All good.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
These are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! - And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And the added bonus is - you will get rid of a useless politician into the bargain.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't even have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Crazy isnt it?

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Let me tell you a little about myself.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'.