A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Am I the only one doing this? again?

Bob: "I've discovered a magic potion that makes all women irresistible."
Sally: "Really? What's it made from?"
Bob: "Alcohol!"
. . . . . Slap!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Farming...

Two country yokels sitting in a pub, talking.
Yokel 1: 'Ere.
Yokel 2: Arr?
Yokel 1: My Cow is sick.
Yokel 2: Arr?
Yokel 1: They tell me your cow was sick a couple of weeks ago.
Yokel 2: Arr. That's right. It was.
Yokel 1: What did you give it?
Yokel 2: Turpentine.
Yokel 1: What? Turpentine?
Yokel 2: Arr. That's right.
Yokel 1: Oh. OK. I'll try that.
... a week later, in the same pub...
Yokel 1: 'Ere.
Yokel 2: Arr?
Yokel 1: I thought you told me you gave your cow turpentine when it got sick?
Yokel 2: Arr. That's right. I did.
Yokel 1: Well, I gave my cow turpentine like you said, and it died!
Yokel 2: Arr. So did mine.

 

[Coranhorn]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[Cymru6969]

Billy-Bob and Larry-Sue were sitting on the front porch sipping some moonshine.
A bloodhound laid at their feet, licking his balls. As they looked at the dog:

Billy-Bob: "Man, I wish I could do that."

Larry-Sue: "That dog would bite you, Billy!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

New Drinking Warning Just Released:

DRINKING WARNING:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth.

So... there you have it - ICE is lethal !
Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!

 

[Privates1stClass]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

My wife laughed so hard at that one, she had tears running down her legs.

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Harry was the best door-to-door security alarms salesman for many years running. The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

School...

They're always telling me to live my dreams, but I don't want to sit naked in an exam that I haven't revised for.

 

[bone251]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Music...

My uncle was a great conductor, until he was struck by lightning.

When I was a little girl, he bought me an accordion for Christmas one year, but when I play it now it always makes me cry. It keeps pinching my tits.

 

[MistressCassy]

I found a robber in my house this morning looking for money to steal. I stopped making breakfast and started to help him look.

 

[MistressCassy]

Doctor: Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Why????

Doctor: Because I'm trying to give you your test results.

 

[MistressCassy]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

this made my day!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years...

I enjoyed that one too

Doctor: Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why????
Doctor: Because I'm trying to give you your test results.

But, I'm afraid someone will have to explain this one to me

..................................

Here's my offering - for what it's worth

My friend thinks she's smart.
She said an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at her face.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Vocabulary...

If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

I went to a zoo the other day but all they had was just one dog.
It was a schitzu...

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Disorder In Court...

The following are extracts from a list of things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters - who had to remain calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Some of these are excellent
BTW: If any of this is subject to copyright, please let me know and I will remove it.

==

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

==

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

==

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

==

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

==

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

==

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

==

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

==

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

==

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

==

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

==

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

==

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

==

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

==

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

=

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

==

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

==

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Job Application...

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am gud on the fone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my speling is not to gud but find that I can Offen get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/petr_suvorov/61926386/33446/33446_600.jpg


Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

 

[Wkd_Macey]

School...

A sociology teacher once told me
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra.
In real life, there is no such thing as algebra."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Nuns...

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

... and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

.....

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical, but soon Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank Heaven you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing that could have happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes! Yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's!

 

[bone251]

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

 

[Themanwholoveswomen]

An Irish brewery worker drowned in a vat of Beer... Got out three times to pee!
(Hey my mother was Irish I'm allowed!)

 

[EmpressJosephine]

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Entrance exams...

An Irish brewery worker drowned in a vat of Beer... Got out three times to pee!
(Hey my mother was Irish I'm allowed!)

PMSL - I mean, they're all good, but ... just PMSL

Anyway...
University entrance test paper.

Q. What are the three essential things required to sustain life.
A. Alcohol, sex and chocolate.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Happy Easter

https://i3.cpcache.com/product/1294056897/chocolate_easter_bunny_rabbits_butt_hurts_postcard.jpg