A monster in the making.

[FescueFan]

This is the future of 90% of all single mothers with male children, doubly so when the father is an asshole who has refused to take on his moral responsibility to raise his son to manhood and instill in him the rules of society. The kid is probably going to wind up in prison or become a danger to himself or others. It's a sad story writ large across the western world.

Even with guys.....I see TONS of fathers my age, just let their kids run feral and rule free.

Eat, do, say whatever the fuck they want.

And nobody is going to tell their little precious otherwise.....drives me fucking nuts.

 

[Rightguide]

Even with guys.....I see TONS of fathers my age, just let their kids run feral and rule free.

Eat, do, say whatever the fuck they want.

And nobody is going to tell their little precious otherwise.....drives me fucking nuts.

18 years from barbarism.

 

[Sean]

This is the future of 90% of all single mothers with male children, doubly so when the father is an asshole who has refused to take on his moral responsibility to raise his son to manhood and instill in him the rules of society. The kid is probably going to wind up in prison or become a danger to himself or others. It's a sad story writ large across the western world.

Not like in your day, eh, Vettebigot? When unmarried mothers were locked up in camps?

 

[dolf]

Or she could find a man to bring in as a surrogate father figure.

Doesn't sound like she could

She has Dolf in her corner and it worked for her.

Wrong again. I got The Bodybuilding Toyboy With The Huge Cock© once my kids were grown.

 

[Lazaran]

You didn't give an exact age for the child so I'll guess he's in the 13-15 year old range.

There is still hope that the mother and child can change their family dynamic through family and financial counseling. If the mother has indeed taken on debt due to the endless demands of the child, she should sit him down and explain the situation in adult terms, laying out the expenses and the unsustainability of comtinuing to spend beyond their means. Having a family and financial counselor present to affirm that what the mother is saying is true will help reinforce the message. It sounds like most of the conflict stems from the child's demands for material comfort, and he is using intimidation and implied threats of violence to get it. If it can be made clear to him that his continued behavior will lead to them having nothing, it just might force the boy to reassess his priorities. A trip to a homeless shelter, and some anecdotal stories of how people who lived beyond their means ended up in ruin might also help the child gain a new perspective.

If on the other hand, the child is a budding sociopath, nothing short of excommunication is going to help the mother. A true sociopath will bleed a weakened individual dry without one shred of remorse. If she does sit him down and explain things to him like an adult, and he completely rejects the information and attempts to carry on as usual, then she probably has her answer on whether their relationship is salvageable. At that point she's going to need all the friends she can get to support her as she transitions from being the sociopath's mother, to his guardian, until he is legally an adult and no longer her responsibility.. This potential outcome should be explained to the child during the intervention. It might get his behavior to change, if only for the sake of self preservation.

Good luck to your friend. She's probably going to need friends like you.

 

[islandman]

Often, it does take a village.

 

[FescueFan]

18 years from barbarism.

Good thing I know the secret of steel.

 

[Sean]

Good thing I know the secret of steel.

I could build a crude Bessemer converter if I had to.

 

[surdeep]

Wrong again. I got The Bodybuilding Toyboy With The Huge Cock© once my kids were grown.

How could i know? I was just going by your posts. A thousand apologies!

 

[dolf]

How could i know? I was just going by your posts. A thousand apologies!

Accepted.

Actually, my ex is a far better ex than he was a partner. He's got his flaws, but he's always tried to do the right thing for the kids. I've got a lot of respect for him.

Not all family separations are bad.

 

[Ziggins]

Since she can't parent, all she can do now is stop pretending to parent. Foster care in UK is probably dangerous, but right now she can't do worse.

 

[jomar]

Probably the best you can do is support her getting mental health counseling/therapy. Maybe she can find her power.

 

[juttjaw]

Absolutely no easy fix. Her lack of parental guidance has opened a can or shit. It's not the kids fault, he only does what he learns. Being a young teenager it's not to late. He is still young enough for her to tighten the reigns. I guess the 1st part is to figure out what kind of family she grew up in. Was she young when she had the child? Not that being young is any excuse for this, but if she learned how to parent from her husband and his childhood, she may not be equipped with the tools to do anything differently. It's like trying to solve an advanced calculus problem when all you know is basic math. She is deep into this shit now and needs the tools to get out. Advice can only take it so far. She needs some correct education.

Hey, kids are all different of course. Some may be predisposed to certain character flaws. With that and his fathers guidence, it may be irreversible. Is the kid OK mentally? Apart from the obvious stuff, dose he have trouble making friends, or getting along with others in general? If so, why? Finding the root cause is the only way to solve the problem. Sending him away and giving up is NOT an option. Unless you want him to keep gathering emotional problems. Sexual and mental abuse could be a major player. All of us parents know, avoiding the problem and abandoning your child, will ruin the rest of both your lives. He needs to feel secure in his moms ability to make decisions. The right decisions. Letting a young child be involved with critical, life changing decisions only makes her look like she is incapable of doing anything on her own. Of course, teach them and involve their opinion and thoughts, but don't let them think they have to do it alone.

There is still time, but the time will end very soon. They need help. She needs help and so does he. If the father is a toxic? Maybe try to limit his influence by talking things over with the child. Letting him know that these are not values you want him to have. He's getting to the age when he can comprehend the adult world, but making adult decisions isn't necessarily a good idea. Like comshaw said, she needs to figure out how to do these things by getting help for herself and him. It's going to be tough and she has to be willing to work her ass off for her son. If that is lacking? If it's just to hard? All maybe lost.

 

[Rightguide]

Not like in your day, eh, Vettebigot? When unmarried mothers were locked up in camps?

What the fuck are you talking about now?

 

[Bad_Egg]

I'd say get control of your son, Dolf. Use that guy with the big cock to help you.

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation....

What do you do?

.....

 

[TwinkleStars]

My father would have told us. "I'm not made of money!" and tell us to go get a job if we wanted something. We didn't have a lot of money.

Mostly my father would have whacked the kid on the ass and told him to straighten up. He was old school.

For myself, I'd throw everything he owned out except the bed and table. Then I'd do my damnedest to make sure he couldn't get to MY money. When he'd through tantrums, I'd put in earbuds and play my favorite music loudly.
I'd make sure he'd have all he needs to grow as a child. Food, love, shelter, nurturing, clothes, sanitation, etc. but nothing more.

In all honesty, there is no easy answer.

 

[jennaflower]

If it were my child (and my son is far from perfect for the record), I would be putting him in serious counseling. I would contact the school resources for their support, guidance, and assistance. If that was not enough, I would contact social services for guidance. Then, I would speak with an attorney if necessary to see about any inpatient treatment centers for mental health issues. I would pretty much scream from the mountain tops trying to get him the help he needs.

Tough love isn’t easy.

 

[Lostgirl5960]

Originally Posted by dolf View Post
"Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance..."


You all seem to have some good advice. However, unless you have been in her situation, mentally and emotionally abused, first by the boy's father and now by her son, you really can't understand why she most likely could not take your advice.

When a manipulative controller, let's call him what he is, a narcissist, gets into your mind and beats you down day after day until you are just a shell of the person you once were, you can't stand up to him and that's why she can't stand up to her son. Not yet anyway.

I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. It took me that long to find the strength to leave. I watched my daughter marry a man just like her father. So many times she would be in my office at work crying over his latest beatdown. All i could do was listen, hold her, let her know i understood exactly what she was going through and tell her how she was worth so much more. She finally, after years of giving him chance after chance to change, left him. She and the kids live with me now.

Even though her son hated how his father would treat his mother i would see him starting in little ways to treat her just as his father did. Once pointed out to him he was appalled that he did that. He has gotten so much better but he still backslides at times. A work in progress. His mom has gotten stronger too. Its taken a long time though.

The point I am trying to make is that she has to find the strength within herself to change things. That is never easy. You can tell her to do this or do that over and over but until she is ready inside she won't be able to do it.

All you can do is be her friend, let her vent, let her know she does have worth and she does not need to be, as one poster here put it, a doormat. Encourage her to get help but understand she can't until she is ready. You can't, unfortunately, do it for her. just don't give up on her.

 

[dolf]

Originally Posted by dolf View Post
"Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance..."


You all seem to have some good advice. However, unless you have been in her situation, mentally and emotionally abused, first by the boy's father and now by her son, you really can't understand why she most likely could not take your advice.

When a manipulative controller, let's call him what he is, a narcissist, gets into your mind and beats you down day after day until you are just a shell of the person you once were, you can't stand up to him and that's why she can't stand up to her son. Not yet anyway.

I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. It took me that long to find the strength to leave. I watched my daughter marry a man just like her father. So many times she would be in my office at work crying over his latest beatdown. All i could do was listen, hold her, let her know i understood exactly what she was going through and tell her how she was worth so much more. She finally, after years of giving him chance after chance to change, left him. She and the kids live with me now.

Even though her son hated how his father would treat his mother i would see him starting in little ways to treat her just as his father did. Once pointed out to him he was appalled that he did that. He has gotten so much better but he still backslides at times. A work in progress. His mom has gotten stronger too. Its taken a long time though.

The point I am trying to make is that she has to find the strength within herself to change things. That is never easy. You can tell her to do this or do that over and over but until she is ready inside she won't be able to do it.

All you can do is be her friend, let her vent, let her know she does have worth and she does not need to be, as one poster here put it, a doormat. Encourage her to get help but understand she can't until she is ready. You can't, unfortunately, do it for her. just don't give up on her.

Thank you!

The part I bolded is something I found in my current partner. I confronted it head on, made sure he knew it was entirely unacceptable, and pointed out that he doesn't want to be the man his father was towards his mother. I called it "channelling Andy". He got over it pretty fast. You have to never let it slide,

There's a big difference between learned and innate, which is why I don't want people to give up on fixing this child. I think he's picked it up, partly from watching his dad, and partly from having the tactics work so often with his mother.

 

[Debbie]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.



You've talked to her, and she understands in theory, but the reality is that he's with her and working on her every day and he's broken down almost every scrap of her resolve and authority. At this point, it's like trying to talk a battered wife into taking her husband in hand.

What do you do?

Most of you know I was in an abusive violent marriage many many many years ago and this was my worst nightmare.

That my sons would become like their dad and I had to stop that from happening and I was lucky. With a plan and wonderful friends I did get us out safely when they were little enough and they are now grown up wonderful young men

Tell her the harsh truth. Use my experience if you want.

If she stays and continues to let the young person grow up in this environment and lets him do whatever he wants using temper tantrums or brow beating her nothing will change. He is on the path to becoming a destructive adult.

I went to tough love after I left the relationship as I saw some of the same patterns of behaviour in my oldest son towards me and it was hard to put some of the boundaries in place but it was for the best reasons and over time they worked.

The tough love program was good for me getting support from other parents but also for my son to go to the junior support groups realizing some of how he was acting out was not ok and that he could see what we as a family were trying to build.

He was also able to go to a camp for kids going through tough times and got some counselling and fun at the same time. The break away I think made him realize after meeting some of the other kids going through tough times that he was lucky and was loved.

 

[surdeep]

He’s a normal teenage boy, but with enough single mothers, he will be reprogrammed and castrated soon enough.

 

[hobbit.]

Not like in your day, eh, Vettebigot? When unmarried mothers were locked up in camps?

or sent to work in nunneries or burnt at the stake.

I could build a crude Bessemer converter if I had to.

everything you do is crude

Wrong again. I got The Bodybuilding Toyboy With The Huge Cock© once my kids were grown.

how very reassuring.

Lit is awesome, all this social virtue signalling is heart warming. "I,m seriously worried so I'll ask for advice on an internet forum populated by headcases (myself excluded)"

just frame the fucker with some class A drugs - let social services and the courts sort it out.

 

[WillJ8787]

Both the mom and son should be seeing a social worker or therapist to work on this... going it alone doesn't seem to be working for them.

From what you describe...

She is facilitating her son and she has to stop that first to regain CONTROL over her household. She is the adult, who pays the bills and is of legal age so she has to regain control, and probably her facilitating her son is via some "guilt" over the situation she is in.. this is where she needs a therapist to sort out.

The son is exercising control(the void that the mother should be exercising) and he needs to be taught he is still just a kid who actually need her to occupy her role as a parent.

 

[HisArpy]

She had a kid by a manipulative controlling bastard and somehow expected the kid to be "different" than his dad?

“Give me the child for the first seven years and I'll give you the man.” - Jesuit Maxim.


At this point, if she has nothing left to control the kid, the only thing she can do is send him to his dad and be done with it. The kid will either grow up or end up in jail (or dead).

Not every story has a happy ending.

 

[Mrtenant]

Enroll the little bastard into a reputable martial arts school that does a heavy dose of philosophy.

Often times, parents become so much marshmallows. A martial arts school will teach them self control, dignity, reveal their character, respect, honor, and so much more. The school will be tough where the parent will not.