A question of time and forgiveness

[cyberski]

OK, so here's my situation, i'll try to be brief (yeh right). For over the past 2½ years or so, I've had a really good online friendship with this girl, and over that time we've obviously gotten to know alot about each other, but something happened about a week and a half ago, and she ended up doing something to me that really pissed me off at first, but I soon realized I wasn't so much pissed, it was that I was hurt. I was hurt badly. What she had done was deceived me, and one thing she knew very well of me was that I loath deceit, and, well, that really, really hurt me badly.
I left that immediate situation, and I sent her a email expressing my deepest feelings on the situation, and when she replied, her reply was short, cold and completely void of any sort of remorse for what had happened. For all intents and purposes, I was hurt all over again when there was no sign of apology. So I re-replied with, "wow....." and sent that back, hoping to prompt her to respond with a better reply, but it's been 4 days now and i'm seeing nothing, so that's why I come here to ask you all your opinions.

Do you have time frames on forgiving people/friends?

Do you treat virtual people different than real life?

Are online people even worth it?






i'm pretty sure she still is.....

 

[Bobmi357]

Friendships normally can survive most any problem, so long as both parties to the relationship are honest with each other. You never went into details of the problem, but I get the impression that you found out something you didn't know about your friend. In effect she hadn't been honest with you.

Can the friendship survive? Perhaps, but thats for you and you alone to decide. And if it does survive it can never go back to the way it was because there will always be a seed of doubt planted in you.

Internet friendships are harder than usual friendships because its so easy to lie in them, especially for one with someone that lives a long way away.

How much time you should give your friend is basically up to you. But personally if I were in your shoes I'd sit there doing nothing until I got an apology. If I don't get one, then my friend doesn't really care about my feelings, which you have already made perfectly clear in an email to her.

 

[arkavatar]

I think you made it clear to her that you were hurt. That would leave it up to her to mend fences or at least open a dialog in that direction. Personally there is no time frame per se I'd just leave it alone its up to her at this point. As far as internet friends go I tend to be more cautious in sharing intimate details.

 

[cyberski]

As far as internet friends go I tend to be more cautious in sharing intimate details.

Yeh see, that's where my biggest problem is, I have already have shared alot of my most intimate details of my life, and for the most part, she knows more about me than my own family does, and that's what makes this all the harder.
See, she also likes to play sort of a "tough love" approach to things sometimes. That is to say, she will avoid or abstain from a situation figuring that eventually things will return to normal by themselves, or in a deal like this, I would eventually "give in", so to say, and back off on how it really affected me or something, but I can't really see that happening this time around, it's just to much, and yet I can't imagine things without her either.....


Sheesh......

 

[Lynnezertorte]

OK, so here's my situation, i'll try to be brief (yeh right). For over the past 2½ years or so, I've had a really good online friendship with this girl, and over that time we've obviously gotten to know alot about each other, but something happened about a week and a half ago, and she ended up doing something to me that really pissed me off at first, but I soon realized I wasn't so much pissed, it was that I was hurt. I was hurt badly. What she had done was deceived me, and one thing she knew very well of me was that I loath deceit, and, well, that really, really hurt me badly.
I left that immediate situation, and I sent her a email expressing my deepest feelings on the situation, and when she replied, her reply was short, cold and completely void of any sort of remorse for what had happened. For all intents and purposes, I was hurt all over again when there was no sign of apology. So I re-replied with, "wow....." and sent that back, hoping to prompt her to respond with a better reply, but it's been 4 days now and i'm seeing nothing, so that's why I come here to ask you all your opinions.

Do you have time frames on forgiving people/friends?

Do you treat virtual people different than real life?

Are online people even worth it?

i'm pretty sure she still is.....

I recently was in her position. I sent an email to a friend discussing my current "boyfriend"....in it, I discussed things that no man would ever want to hear/read. Unfortunately, I accidently sent it to the "boyfriend". I was so embarrassed that I cut off all contact with him.....I never even gave him a chance to voice his opinion of that email because I was so humiliated (for myself and for him). My point is that maybe she knows how hurt you are and is embarrassed by what she did and doesn't think the relationship can be repaired. If you do think there is a future....then swallow your pride and let her know that. Maybe then she will tell you what you need to hear (that she is sorry).

But then again, are you sure you want her back in your life if she deceived you already?

 

[sheath]

See, she also likes to play sort of a "tough love" approach to things sometimes. That is to say, she will avoid or abstain from a situation figuring that eventually things will return to normal by themselves, or in a deal like this, I would eventually "give in", so to say, and back off on how it really affected me or something, but I can't really see that happening this time around, it's just to much, and yet I can't imagine things without her either.....


Sheesh......

You know...the attitude she has toward 'tough love' concerning a situation is NOT respectful. At all. A friendship involves honesty, being able to talk about things even if they hurt, and not turning your back, even for a little while. Like someone said to me today, friendships wax and wane...they do. And sometimes people need space. But space in an attempt to let things slide or blow over without discussion? No way. That's doing a disservice to the friendship.

So far as the forgiveness...it comes when it comes. You will know when you feel it...trust me, you will. If you try to get over this before you are ready, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Allow yourself all the time you need. If she has a problem with that, well...it was HER problem that started all this in the first place, so frankly, she has no right to bitch.

Do I treat 'virtual' friends the same way I treat my friends in real life? Absolutely. Oh, absolutely! Think about it...what makes up a friend? Is it the physical contact? Is it actually seeing their smile, or is it feeling that smile in their words? Is it being able to have dinner with a person, or is it being able to share the same kind of conversation, whether you are in front of her or a thousand miles apart? 'Virtual' relationships ARE real relationships. They demand the same kind of respect. Therefore, there should be no difference in the two.

And finally, yes..******* relationships ARE worthwhile. Look at the people here. It is an excellent example, right here where you are reading. Can anyone ever look at the love, support and compassion that infuses the how-to board and EVER believe that the relationships formed here are not real?

My two cents...

S.

 

[cyberski]

You know...the attitude she has toward 'tough love' concerning a situation is NOT respectful. At all. A friendship involves honesty, being able to talk about things even if they hurt, and not turning your back, even for a little while. Like someone said to me today, friendships wax and wane...they do. And sometimes people need space. But space in an attempt to let things slide or blow over without discussion? No way. That's doing a disservice to the friendship.

I probably should of clarified a little bit more there. I'm not 100% sure that what she is doing now is the whole "tough love" act, I can only kinda presume it is, and to be honest, I shouldn't even be presuming cause my mind is so messed up from this whole dealo. I suppose that's why i've come here.

#################

Think about it...what makes up a friend? Is it the physical contact? Is it actually seeing their smile, or is it feeling that smile in their words?

Her words are very powerful at times. It never ceases to amaze me how often she can snap me out of the doldrums, or just put a nice warm smile across my face with just the way she speaks.
################

And finally, yes..******* relationships ARE worthwhile. Look at the people here. It is an excellent example, right here where you are reading. Can anyone ever look at the love, support and compassion that infuses the how-to board and EVER believe that the relationships formed here are not real?

I can't even begin to argue that Sheath.....Thanks

 

[sheath]

I probably should of clarified a little bit more there. I'm not 100% sure that what she is doing now is the whole "tough love" act, I can only kinda presume it is, and to be honest, I shouldn't even be presuming cause my mind is so messed up from this whole dealo. I suppose that's why i've come here.

I understand what you mean about not presuming what is happening there. Regardless of that, however...she knows you are upset. She knows you are hurt. And she is not coming to your aid, even to simply say 'I'm sorry you hurt, and I will do what I can to help fix this, but I can't just now.' A simple statement like that would be enough, don't you think? Just to show that she really does care and not leave you wondering?

Perhaps one more contact...an email in which you explain that you are confused, concerned, and you need to talk it out with her? That is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. If she chooses not to respond to a reasonable plea like that, then you KNOW there is a very deep problem with the friendship.

I wish you all the best, cyberski.

S.

 

[cyberski]

Perhaps one more contact...an email in which you explain that you are confused, concerned, and you need to talk it out with her? That is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. If she chooses not to respond to a reasonable plea like that, then you KNOW there is a very deep problem with the friendship.

I wish you all the best, cyberski.

S.

Yup....That's it. That's exactly what I gotta do.

Thanks Sheath

 

[ReadyOne]

Happened to me once...

Out of the blue someone cut off contact after over a year of talking. I send e-mail, and finally and e-card into the silence.

Regretfullly, I pushed her to the back of my mind and went on with life.

Then about 9 months latter she sent an e-mail out of the blue. When I asked her about the hiatus, she said that she just paniced because she thought things were getting too serious.

It wasn't serious with me as in "run off together". I though we were just very good friends talking each other though our divorces and kids.

 

[Missingmeds]

Yeh see, that's where my biggest problem is, I have already have shared alot of my most intimate details of my life, and for the most part, she knows more about me than my own family does, and that's what makes this all the harder.
See, she also likes to play sort of a "tough love" approach to things sometimes. That is to say, she will avoid or abstain from a situation figuring that eventually things will return to normal by themselves, or in a deal like this, I would eventually "give in", so to say, and back off on how it really affected me or something, but I can't really see that happening this time around, it's just to much, and yet I can't imagine things without her either.....


Sheesh......

The thing that worries me about this post is the avoid or abstain from a situation. This is not a good thing for anyone concerned. The situation needs to be dealt with and the people involved need to move on.

If she is avoiding or abstaining then she is not dealing with things as they happen.

Sounds like you are the one always doing the "giving in" and that is not a good thing.

 

[NaiveOne]

Wow, I feel your pain. As a person who has had crazy virtual friendships, I hear ya!

It kinda sounds like you are romantically interested in this woman, which adds a new dimension to this problem. Maybe she is scared?

Good luck!

 

[sheath]

Cyberski...

How are things? What happened with you and the friend?

I'm just curious.

S.

 

[cyberski]

Well, I did like you suggested and I sent one more email, and I did re-explain my side of things with stuff of how I was confused and all, and she did reply with at least an "I'm sorry", so that was positive. I replied that it made me happy and all, but I was in a hurry when I was replying cause I did it during my lunch break (short of time and all...:doh: ) so i didn't mention that I really wanted to further discuss this with her, so I then sent her an offline message on yahoo messenger asking her to IM me as soon as she recieves the last email. That was friday and I have yet to hear back from here. Perhaps she hasn't logged into yahoo since then, thats possible, I don't really know.
I've got a feeling i'm no better off than before......

fuck

 

[lovechild27]

Since she is a net buddy, I would wonder about how truthful she is about everything else in her life...

 

[schatz]

There have been a lot of optimistic posts so far, so here's one from a pessimist. Just say screw it and move on. I understand that friends are important (on and off line) but once you become too dependent on someone, they will let you down. The only person you can truly count on is yourself so if she does not seem interested in reconciling differences, just drop the load of bricks and say to hell with it. There are plenty of potential friends/romantic interests in the world so why get all stressed. You cannot change another person. But that's just me and I have a tendency to view life a bit an the darker side.

 

[sheath]

Well, I did like you suggested and I sent one more email, and I did re-explain my side of things with stuff of how I was confused and all, and she did reply with at least an "I'm sorry", so that was positive. I replied that it made me happy and all, but I was in a hurry when I was replying cause I did it during my lunch break (short of time and all...:doh: ) so i didn't mention that I really wanted to further discuss this with her, so I then sent her an offline message on yahoo messenger asking her to IM me as soon as she recieves the last email. That was friday and I have yet to hear back from here. Perhaps she hasn't logged into yahoo since then, thats possible, I don't really know.
I've got a feeling i'm no better off than before......

fuck

Honestly...if she hasn't taken the initiative to contact you at this point, knowing how you feel, knowing how long it has been since that last contact...then I would think her lack of respect would be the straw to break the camel's back, so to speak.

I would delete her from your yahoo. Then send her a short and sweet note, telling her you deleted her and if she wants to make things right, the ball is in HER court now. And then see what she does.

I think her response (or lack of one) will make it clear just how important you are to her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Take care of you.

S.