A teeny tiny writing exercise

[AG31]

How would you write this scene? Add context or not, as you wish.

A mother and her 11-12 year old daughter are walking down the sidewalk. An attractive, expensively dressed woman comes from the other direction and engages them in conversation. Both mother and daughter are a bit uncomfortable, but as the mother grows increasingly curious, the daughter becomes increasingly uneasy. She tries to pull her mother away. The mother is a little annoyed. The daughter's unease turns to fright. Finally she pulls her mother's head down so she can whisper that she might be getting diarrhea and then heads off to their car, a little bit away. The car is locked, so she waits a minute until her mother get there and they drive off.

 

[BeechLeaf]

'What's happened, love? Is it something you ate? But we haven't—'

'No! Mum!' Holly insisted.

Amanda turned briefly from her daughter to fiddle with her handbag, and found the car keys. 'We'll be home in a moment,' she reassured her. Then she considered her daughter's age and maturity. 'Well, you know, not literally. Five minutes? Maybe more? Can you hold on?'

'I'm fine. Mum!!'

Her mother was opening up the car, had dealt with the passenger side, and was passing around to her own when she looked back at Holly. 'What do you mean you're fine? Is it urgent or not?'

'I just didn't like her.'

'Who? That woman we met?' She was in the driving seat by now and leant over to pat the seat beside her. Holly came in, did up her seat belt, but looked sullen and confused.

Amanda sighed. She started the car, looked around for traffic, and declined to move on. 'Holly, love, do you need a toilet or not? Or was that just...?'

For the first time in several years she saw her daughter screw up her face, not just in tears, but in fear. The old childhood fears had returned. Something unpleasant had surfaced. 'Darling. What about her?'

'She wasn't just looking at you like that,' Holly gulped, and began to cry. 'She was looking at me too.'

 

[liliput1]

I was thinking how you might not notice a tail when standing in front of someone but a 4'6" tall child standing to the side might catch it if the glamour glitched...

 

[NaughteeDragon]

Or hooves. A tail peeking out from under the dress would be good.

 

[StillStunned]

"Mum!" Prue tugged at her mother's hand. "Mum!"

Molly managed to look down at her. "What is it, dear?" It was hard to tear her eyes away from this tall, glamorous lady who had accosted her in the street. She'd spotted the handcuffs dangling from the belt of the expensive-looking coat. Together with some of the things the lady had hinted at, Molly was intrigued.

Still, her daughter was tugging at her and demanding her attention. It took an effort to sound patient. "What's the matter dear?" she asked again.

Prue looked up with anxious eyes. "I- I need to go." She swallowed. "Now. It's- I need the toilet."

This wasn't something Molly wanted to deal with. Not in front of this intriguing stranger and the exciting thoughts her presence awoke in Molly's mind. So she smiled an apology, murmured something and began to turn away. Just before she did, though, the lady touched her hand. When she stopped and glanced down, she found herself holding an elegant business card. By the time she looked up again, the lady was gliding away into the crowd.

Excitement fought with doubt inside her. But her immediate concern was her daughter. "Come along then, Prue. Let's get you to a toilet."

"No, it's alright." Prue's cheeks were a bright red. "She's gone now. She frightened me. She handcuffs. I think she wanted to lock us up."

 

[Actingup]

"Mum, am I eleven, or am I twelve?"

"You pulled me away from that fascinating lady to ask me that? I don't know. Twelve?"

"Thirteen. My point is, some details matter more to me than you."

"So?"

"So, while you were talking to Ms Glamorous, I noticed that she was packing a knife and her boyfriend was trying to steal our car, and I couldn't tell you that in case she stabbed you."

(silence)

"So do you need a toilet or don't you?"

 

[anthrodisiac]

Polly saw through the disguise. How her mother didn't see the creature for what it was shocked her. She'd heard these beasts were masters at fooling rigid adult minds, but struggled with the rampant imagination of a child.

"Mom, I gotta go!"

Mom waved her off, talking to the creature. "Please, tell me more about this club. It sounds... well, I haven't had a night out since Tom left, and I-"

"I gotta poop!"

Mom sighed and glanced down at Polly. "Can't you hold it, I'm in the middle of a conversation with... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Anna."

"Anna."

"Noooo! I can't! Please. Please please please."

"It's all right, Dawn, I have my own kid. You take care of her." The woman grinned down at Polly, all flat-faced and blunt teeth, beady eyes and bare skin. "It was real nice to meet you, Polly."

As Polly tugged her mom toward the nearest store, she let out a sigh of relief. The thing continued to stroll down the street without a care in the world. Some of the other kids stopped and stared; a young boy began to bawl. But all the adults marveled at the beast.

"Mom, you gotta be more careful," Polly said.

"What..."

Polly's tail twitched behind her, and she began to nervously groom her fur with a paw. "She... she was..."

"What, honey?"

Polly's voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, a shaky mewl underpinning the word she dreaded above all others. "Human."

 

[SmilingLez]

You see her.
Cashmere coat.
Glowing.

"How lovely," she says.

You stop.

Your daughter's hand goes cold.

She stares at your daughter.
Doesn't look away.

"Mom.
We should go."

The woman tilts her head.
Too slowly.

Your daughter pulls you down.
"I'm getting diarrhea."

You move.

Three blocks to the car.

You unlock it.

In the mirror -
The woman.
Still there.
Still smiling.

You drive.

Your daughter -
Silent.

She knew something.
You didn't.

Edit - I think it hits harder if the last 2 lines are removed

You see her.
Cashmere coat.
Glowing.

"How lovely," she says.

You stop.

Your daughter's hand goes cold.

She stares at your daughter.
Doesn't look away.

"Mom.
We should go."

The woman tilts her head.
Too slowly.

Your daughter pulls you down.
"I'm getting diarrhea."

You move.

Three blocks to the car.

You unlock it.

In the mirror -
The woman.
Still there.
Still smiling.

You drive.

Your daughter -
Silent.

 

[BeechLeaf]

I want to apologize to Holly for involving her, and to thank Amanda for letting me. They're real characters, appearing in my latest. When I saw this exercise I had them to hand so I made something up involving them. But it hurt - I hadn't figured how much. I only created Holly a few weeks ago, but she's got character, I really like her, and she's intelligent, and knows being in a writing exercise is just acting and she's fine with that. And the ending, it doesn't show anything really bad, specifically, so she didn't have to act something that might hurt her. But I feel guilty.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I would describe a rather lovely idyllic day. Mother and daughter enjoying being outdoors, the sun, the breeze, the birds.
The woman appears in view, and I'd describe the scene change as if a dark cloud had drifted overhead. But only the girl seems to notice the change in atmosphere and somehow, she senses that the woman with the smile without any sort of warmth, is the source of it.

"Lovely day for a walk, isn't it? the woman asks, but to the girl it's like nails on a chalkboard. She's shocked that her mother is so unaffected, but knows that nothing good this way comes, if they stay.

"Mommy, I don't feel so good."

 

[anthrodisiac]

I want to apologize to Holly for involving her, and to thank Amanda for letting me. They're real characters, appearing in my latest. When I saw this exercise I had them to hand so I made something up involving them. But it hurt - I hadn't figured how much. I only created Holly a few weeks ago, but she's got character, I really like her, and she's intelligent, and knows being in a writing exercise is just acting and she's fine with that. And the ending, it doesn't show anything really bad, specifically, so she didn't have to act something that might hurt her. But I feel guilty.

I had an idea for LitCon that I scrapped because it was too authorially masturbatory, where it was basically couples therapy for writers and their characters, where some of my characters confronted me for some of my choices (like sexual torture or giving them testicular cancer).

I've done some truly awful, awful things to characters over the years (horror writer, can't be helped). Less so here, but I have to imagine some of them would be happy to break my fingers to keep from doing to others what I did to them

 

[AStrangeDesire]

I had an idea for LitCon that I scrapped because it was too authorially masturbatory, where it was basically couples therapy for writers and their characters, where some of my characters confronted me for some of my choices (like sexual torture or giving them testicular cancer).

I've done some truly awful, awful things to characters over the years (horror writer, can't be helped). Less so here, but I have to imagine some of them would be happy to break my fingers to keep from doing to others what I did to them

That would be awesome, especially if you made it humorous.

--
"How am I supposed to fuck her without balls @anthrodisiac? The fuck is wrong with you for crying out loud, this is supposed to be stroker-stuff, not a gawd-damned tragedy!"

<mumbled reply by @anthrodisiac>

"What the hell do you mean 'just use the strap-on'. Do you know how demeaning that is? What good am I for crying out loud!"

<mumbled reply #2>

"... I mean, yes it's larger. OK, yeah, maybe I would finally be able to give her an orgasm after all these years. Ugh, fine!"

--

hmm, OK, that has nothing to do with he original writing exercise.

Sorry.

 

[anthrodisiac]

That would be awesome, especially if you made it humorous.

--
"How am I supposed to fuck her without balls @anthrodisiac? The fuck is wrong with you for crying out loud, this is supposed to be stroker-stuff, not a gawd-damned tragedy!"

<mumbled reply by @anthrodisiac>

"What the hell do you mean 'just use the strap-on'. Do you know how demeaning that is? What good am I for crying out loud!"

<mumbled reply #2>

"... I mean, yes it's larger. OK, yeah, maybe I would finally be able to give her an orgasm after all these years. Ugh, fine!"

--

hmm, OK, that has nothing to do with he original writing exercise.

Sorry.

It was definitely humorous. It was me writing the scene, sending archaeopteryx me to go talk to them, while I did the narration and complimented myself and the therapist to get him to side with story me, as well as bleep out the curses for funsies. Very meta. Very nonsense. And, considering so few people have read my stories, about as masturbatory an exercise as I could manage. I liked the idea, but I didn't like how self-focused it was, even if it was meant to be self-deprecating.