Abandonment as a tool?

[KCWinter]

I'm a submissive. I deal with PTSD and abandonment issues from childhood. Because of that, any type of abandonment, real or perceived, is grounds for me ending a relationship. I recently broke up with one of my partners because he "ghosted" me for two and a half weeks; even though it turned out he had a fairly valid reason, he knew my issues and my boundaries, had flat out promised me he would never ghost me, and there was *no* reason he couldn't have taken a few seconds to send me a text like "Will be gone a while." He was my Dom, but the ghosting had nothing to do with our dynamic.

Any type of "silent treatment," abandonment, or anything else along those lines as a punishment or consequence in a D/s dynamic is a hard limit for me. As I said, if someone does that to me, it's grounds for me to tell them to get out of my life permanently.

In general, if it's negotiated up front and the pyl is *aware* that it's a potential punishment/consequence, and has consented to that, it's fine. But if it's something the PYL just decides to do because they can... fuck that.

 

[mf1438]

I deal with PTSD and abandonment issues from childhood too. If I don't hear from a partner I can't handle the rejection and just end the relationship.

 

[clistenovena]

I come from a background fraught with Abandonment, so I'm not at all used to this being used as a tool in a positive sense.

So. ... talk logic to me. I'm listening.

Not sure how logical my words will be, but here they are.

No matter the situation, emotional abandonment isn't positive. It only damages. As Puck It so wisely said, if one needs to step away for a while, fine, but communicate that idea clearly before taking the time apart.

And avoiding the discussion about it afterwards seems to point towards wrongdoing one doesn't wish to own up to.

I'm sorry you went through this.

 

[Angedesoleil]

Thank you.
I'm still hoping he will prove me wrong and show up and actually discuss things. I guess I'm just super sensitive because of the timing.

 

[RopeBunny69]

That's a big limitation for me. Submission equates vulnerability and for my Dom to cut off communication is too harsh. Not to mention that it's not going to encourage a healthy D/S relationship. There's nothing worse than a Sub who feels neglected (emotionally, or any other way) and feels as if they can't even open a line of communication about it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Emotions definitely complicate things. It sounds like he's struggling to get a hold on his emotional response. I have a PYL friend that thinks that he should never show any weakness to his pyl. He doesn't currently have a pyl. I've told him that as a pyl, it is important to me to see how a PYL handles their own weaknesses. I don't expect them to be perfect at all but I feel that it can actually make them stronger in my eyes. Communication is essential for that. I have been ignored once as a punishment. There were parameters in that I had to still check in and it lasted a week. It was too much for me at the time. I understood why and it was hard. I was pretty much falling apart by the end of the week. It was very effective and he did communicate when I truly needed it during that week.

Now there is a part of me that wants to conquer it by going through it again by starting with smaller times and building up to longer times.

I hope he does communicate with you.

 

[Angedesoleil]

Thank you UMB... believe it or not, I'm kinda a big fan of yours. I have read through your thread several times. It helps me on occasion.

Yeah, I have an update on this today or tomorrow once I see how things pan out. Short version he did show back up, but some damage has definitely been done. Thank you for caring.

 

[Farawyn]

That's a big limitation for me. Submission equates vulnerability and for my Dom to cut off communication is too harsh. Not to mention that it's not going to encourage a healthy D/S relationship. There's nothing worse than a Sub who feels neglected (emotionally, or any other way) and feels as if they can't even open a line of communication about it.

Thissssssss!!!

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you UMB... believe it or not, I'm kinda a big fan of yours. I have read through your thread several times. It helps me on occasion.

Yeah, I have an update on this today or tomorrow once I see how things pan out. Short version he did show back up, but some damage has definitely been done. Thank you for caring.

I'm glad that my experiences have been helpful to you. I welcome your input on my thread at any time.

While it may be damage now, it may evolve into something else later. I had an experience with one PYL where I messed up. I reacted badly to part of our play and was unable to safeword. He didn't feel comfortable playing with me again for a long time, very understandably. I never once held him at fault and felt awful for not safewording. We've moved past that but things will always be different. But even without that happening things would change still. Change is the only thing consistent.

 

[DVS]

Abandonment as a tool? No. Oh, I might act like I'm going to leave someone tied up and go to the store, but I'm just playing with their head. I would never leave someone tied up and alone.

But, abandoning someone as a punishment seems like a childish move, to me. It could be just me, but that's how I feel.

 

[formertroll]

I'm going to say it depends on the people involved and their limits. Still among my favorite play types with a former partner was when we would intentionally push each other's buttons to try to get a visceral reaction which would generally be followed by "fuck. You got me that time." And then we'd take a break for more loving things. Abandonment was fair game there and really anything was fair so I'm coming from a different space on this question even though there is a lot of abandonment on my past. those times helped me process hurt from the past i haven't dealt with, so in a way part psych part life coach etc

 

[sangerin]

Reading this thread has made me sad but also made me realize I’m not alone.
I sometimes begin to think I’ve done something wrong.


I have absolutely no advice to the OP but I want you to know that a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime is definite mind manipulation and you deserve better. IMO.

 

[subkitty643]

Abandonment as a tool? No. Oh, I might act like I'm going to leave someone tied up and go to the store, but I'm just playing with their head. I would never leave someone tied up and alone.

But, abandoning someone as a punishment seems like a childish move, to me. It could be just me, but that's how I feel.

This. Someone who would use the silent treatment or true abandonment as punishment is sociopathic in my book and isn't someone I would feel values me.

 

[Angedesoleil]

This. Someone who would use the silent treatment or true abandonment as punishment is sociopathic in my book and isn't someone I would feel values me.

This was very much the case at the time. Now that some time has passed, I can say that the timing of it had a lot to do with the feelings. I learned a lot from the experience, and most of all I learned how much I need to communicate that feelings of abandonment are a big deal to me. Be the feelings born out of intent, or my own demons they are very real and dangerous.
I hold no ill will toward the other person involved. I learned a lot from him. He is a very good kind man. He certainly didn't mean me any harm at the time. I hope he has learned too.

I hope this thread continues to give people on both sides a window into what is going on in someone's mind when they hear *abandonment* whether they intended to speak it or not.


In case anyone wonders this thread was looonnggg before EW. It has nothing to do with him. He would never ever do this yo me. He is the antithesis of abandonment. I've never felt more protected and held than I do now.

 

[Transamwriter]

I don't think this is right. This is too harsh even as a punishment.

 

[strong_daddy]

Most people, I dont give a shit how much of a grasp you think you have on it, have so little emotional intelligence that this behavior could be very easily permanently scarring, for both parties. The Dom very likely does not have the emotional wherewithal to understand the amount of damage they are doing and the sub very likely does not have the emotional aptitude to not completely internalize this punishment.

THIS IS BEYOND FUCKED UP. You will put someone on a suicide watch if not be pushing them off the ledge yourself. If you are not emotionally mature enough to own ALL of your own emotions, and most of you aren’t, you have no right to try to use emotions as a tool in your D/s or any relationship.

 

[Wetshelly1724]

.....

 

[Angedesoleil]

Well, you're both right, it does do some level of permanent damage ( at least to me)... but then, it's just one more thing to overcome. One more thing that a good dominant (or Daddy) can point to see the hurt then not repeat to earn my trust. I thought that fear would always be there. I thought it would be one more permanent emotional scar. Yes, it rears its ugly head sometimes... but more often than Not, it's one more stark contrast what I've got now vs where I've been before.

We still have to truly sit down and map out the hard and fast cardinal rules I think... but once I know those, and I know if never break them, I think this is actually a demon I can envision him putting to bed. Truly. That's truly remarkable personally. So, damage yes. Permanent, yes. Unforgivable, yes ( but then to be fair, the Dom in question could argue the same right back. I was forthright, I never lied. I never played games, but I did allow someone back in my life that he could probably argue constituted abandoning him to a degree, though he never voiced as much. The argument could definitely be made.) But is it a damage that can't be overcome? No. It isn't.
I'm learning that.

 

[runsilent]

There have been times when a sub has broken the agreement we had. If you are asking to be a sub that is what I expect you to be. Look I agree that shit happens and maybe we need to talk but now you have decided to change the rules.

I need time away to consider my mistakes and yours. It's not a punishment but a time to reassess. Am I wrong or you? Staying together in fight mode will not help. Words will be said that weren't meant on both sides and can't be taken back.I am not punishing you. I need time to catch my breath. Doms aren't perfect and I need some space in an argument to calm down and think.

 

[Soraya1]

This whole abandonment approach sounds very passive-aggressive to me. IMO as well as my own actual experience, that can never positively affect a relationship, and can often have very negative, even permanently damaging, effects on it.

 

[Angedesoleil]

There have been times when a sub has broken the agreement we had. If you are asking to be a sub that is what I expect you to be. Look I agree that shit happens and maybe we need to talk but now you have decided to change the rules.

I need time away to consider my mistakes and yours. It's not a punishment but a time to reassess. Am I wrong or you? Staying together in fight mode will not help. Words will be said that weren't meant on both sides and can't be taken back.I am not punishing you. I need time to catch my breath. Doms aren't perfect and I need some space in an argument to calm down and think.

Thank you for contributing runsilent.
I agree that you have all reason to expect a sub to be a sub. Some will chime in and say: but a sub is human too. Yes, we are human, but humans who tick a specific way.
That said: if a rule was broken and you are as you come across in this post, then I'd expect protocols regarding this would already be established... it would be clear from the get go you were coming back to discuss the matter. That's an active choice rather than a reactive action.
There are two things about the original post #1 the issue at hand was not re: a rule break, it as about his own wounded ego.
#2 that it wasn't ever communicated ( I need space to think) the leaving was the punnishment for the wounded ego.

However I acknowledge that were the issue a matter of broken rules and the Dom were reigning himself in and deciding what to do...it would be hard, but I dont think it would come across as abandonment... depending upon the dynamic of the couple and life situations.

I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[MASTERKYLESCUMSLUT]

Thank-you!!!!

This thread is a godsend! I was starting to feel very isolated and sad. I know I'm sliding into depression,and I don't know how to stop it.
I love my Dom very much and he tells me he loves me,and I thought he was the one.He has PTSD and baggage from a bad relationship,which comes out in a "I'll hurt u b4 u hurt me" way.3 times he's abandoned me,no explanation,nothing-just gone-never to return.I've had to beg and plead for days to get him to come back 2 of the 3times.This time,it's messing with my head.Whats wrong w/ me?,why am I so easy to leave,how can hurt me so bad and not even care?Once because he didn't like a question I asked(Totally innocently),he ignored me for a week and I was devastated!
I'm afraid it's really over this time,because I'm too fragile too beg for his love this time

 

[MASTERKYLESCUMSLUT]

Most people, I dont give a shit how much of a grasp you think you have on it, have so little emotional intelligence that this behavior could be very easily permanently scarring, for both parties. The Dom very likely does not have the emotional wherewithal to understand the amount of damage they are doing and the sub very likely does not have the emotional aptitude to not completely internalize this punishment.

THIS IS BEYOND FUCKED UP. You will put someone on a suicide watch if not be pushing them off the ledge yourself. If you are not emotionally mature enough to own ALL of your own emotions, and most of you aren’t, you have no right to try to use emotions as a tool in your D/s or any relationship.

I'm glad to hear that from an experienced Daddy.I've been a devoted pet to my Daddy,and for him to be able to just walk away from me and never look back has broken me and I dont see a light at the end of my tunnel.

 

[runsilent]

Thank you for contributing runsilent.
I agree that you have all reason to expect a sub to be a sub. Some will chime in and say: but a sub is human too. Yes, we are human, but humans who tick a specific way.
That said: if a rule was broken and you are as you come across in this post, then I'd expect protocols regarding this would already be established... it would be clear from the get go you were coming back to discuss the matter. That's an active choice rather than a reactive action.
There are two things about the original post #1 the issue at hand was not re: a rule break, it as about his own wounded ego.
#2 that it wasn't ever communicated ( I need space to think) the leaving was the punnishment for the wounded ego.

However I acknowledge that were the issue a matter of broken rules and the Dom were reigning himself in and deciding what to do...it would be hard, but I dont think it would come across as abandonment... depending upon the dynamic of the couple and life situations.

I appreciate your thoughts.

I think you are in the ballfield. I am assuming it's a live in dom and sub irl. Yes we had protocols but she broke them so it's hard to figure out where to go. I have never said you are abandoned but I just don't have words. I need time to breath but it's rarely more than 24 hours. Most of the time I just need a good night's sleep. Some subs think doms know what to do all the time. We don't. If you throw me a curveball and want to change the rules I have to regroup and figure out where this thing is going. I am not a dom that is locked into place. If my sub wants to change things she tells me the problem and let me adapt or just say the new rules don't work for me. The problem I have with subs is they expect me to be a mindreader. I will always fail at that task.

Talk to me. Tell me what you want. In my heart I want you to be the glorious sub you can be. Other than cheating I'm pretty flexible.

If I tell her the new rules just don't work for me is it abandonment or a break up that all the normies go thru. I don't see the difference. It's a hurtful breakup on all sides.

 

[pikmin1388]

I've been following this thread with interest
I'm new to a ds relationship, I'm on fetlife too
I have a guy I call master at the beginning we chatted online lots had some interesting discussions intense ones at times ,
But now I have to message him to get any response out of him and all I get is a -you're quiet sub response ,
He said he wanted to spend the day with me but not mentioned it since and last session said see you around sometime
Kind of feels like abandonment abit , I'm finding doms on fetlife mess you around so much