Abandonment as a tool?

[runsilent]

Maybe we should try to define what abandonment is. That covers a lot of ground. If my sub and I have a major fight I need a nights sleep to get my head together. It's not like I say I'm dumping you and go away forever but I will need a night alone.

Those that threaten banishment in that situation are weak doms/dommes should be avoided at all costs. Yes, you maybe alone for a while but you have gotten out of an abusive relationship.

I had a sub that wanted to go everywhere I went and made a fuss if I went someplace without her. She didn't have the confidence that I wasn't up to something. Hey once a week us guys got together and watched football. It was just us guys getting together and being obnoxious guys. No women were invited.

Once a week I leave her for 5 hours to hang out with the guys.
It was a major issue to her. I told her I was going to do it and she said no. "If you loved me you wouldn't do it". I told her yes I would and she made a stink all the time.
I told her to leave. Abandonment or boundaries?

 

[JaneRamsey]

Maybe we should try to define what abandonment is. That covers a lot of ground. If my sub and I have a major fight I need a nights sleep to get my head together. It's not like I say I'm dumping you and go away forever but I will need a night alone.

Those that threaten banishment in that situation are weak doms/dommes should be avoided at all costs. Yes, you maybe alone for a while but you have gotten out of an abusive relationship.

I had a sub that wanted to go everywhere I went and made a fuss if I went someplace without her. She didn't have the confidence that I wasn't up to something. Hey once a week us guys got together and watched football. It was just us guys getting together and being obnoxious guys. No women were invited.

Once a week I leave her for 5 hours to hang out with the guys.
It was a major issue to her. I told her I was going to do it and she said no. "If you loved me you wouldn't do it". I told her yes I would and she made a stink all the time.
I told her to leave. Abandonment or boundaries?

In your case that's definitely just boundaries, people need their personal time. I would go crazy if my husband insisted on going everywhere I go all the time, and vice versa.

 

[DVS]

For me, any BDSM relationship is just that...a relationship. As such, any kind of abandonment is out of the question, because it's rude, selfish and even a bit childish. I consider myself as an adult and the same for my partner. If we can't discuss anything that's causing an issue, who the hell are we, to be in an adult relationship?

If someone prefers to use abandonment as some kind of a tool, I see that person as being emotionally challenged and maybe not even capable of being in an adult relationship. I also see it as playing games and as an adult, I don't play games, like this. A sociopath might, however, as they do have emotional issues.

My suggestion to someone who even thinks of abandonment as a way to express their feelings, or as a tool to control a partner in some way would be to say grow up.

Now, this is not at all the same as saying I need space for a while to either think things out or for some time to myself. That is totally different and would consider that as at least something someone might say to their partner for whatever reason. I would also say there is a time frame for that and so it is not abandonment.

If you don't know what abandonment means, look it up. The definition is pretty straight forward.