Affair

[Calamity Jane]

Re: I'm so sorry Mikey

Mikey, I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I hope you come to a solution that works for both you and your wife. Though, in my opinion, a weak marriage that becomes an open marriage is never going to get stronger.

I understand that you love this woman but listen man, she broke your trust. You went out of your way to give her independence but she took advantage of that. I think you know that this will always be there , in your heart. The question is are you going to play the martyr and live with her pain?

I'm trying very hard not to come off as a bitch here, but what exactly leads you to believe that independence is something that can be 'given' and taken away?

Yeah, the pain will always be there, but learning to live with it doesn't make anyone a martyr.

 

[penguindance]

 

[mikeyg]

Thanks for all your comments I greatly appreciate your concern, it really helps.

We talked some more and we're not haviong an open marriage because I don't want to "play" the field again. I would only want to have another woman if she was there to participate.

I told her I was going to call him and work things out with him, reasonably and that upset her. She did not like that at all. I promised not to call him and she said she'd try. Later saying she wouldn't after I said "trying" wasn't good enough.

She dosn't want to leave, she wants to work things out, in a way I don't and another I want to try.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for your concern.

Mikey

 

[Camille]

Talk to the hand!

I'm so sorry to hear this Mikeyg. Kick her to the curb! I know 18 years is a long time. But can you really trust her again? Do you love her that much to compromise yourself? One time may be forgivable but she has admitted to at least five meetings. Don’t act shocked when you find out it was more. Believe me I have been in your shoes, things will never be the same. Take your pain now and get it over with it. You should call the SOB, it won’t solve anything but at least you will get to vent. Just tell him to stop fucking your wife! Make sure she knows you called. Then head to a counselor, if she won’t go with you then go alone. Tell her to pack and don’t you dare pay that fucking phone bill!



Cam

 

[mikeyg]

Re: Talk to the hand!

I'm so sorry to hear this Mikeyg. Kick her to the curb! I know 18 years is a long time. But can you really trust her again? Do you love her that much to compromise yourself? One time may be forgivable but she has admitted to at least five meetings. Don’t act shocked when you find out it was more. Believe me I have been in your shoes, things will never be the same. Take your pain now and get it over with it. You should call the SOB, it won’t solve anything but at least you will get to vent. Just tell him to stop fucking your wife! Make sure she knows you called. Then head to a counselor, if she won’t go with you then go alone. Tell her to pack and don’t you dare pay that fucking phone bill!



Cam

Believe me I want to. We do have kids though and it makes things harder. The only reason I don't right now I feel it's my fault in the first place. I told her it was ok to flirt when we were dicussing having a threesome. I'm upset she's doig it behind my back.

You're right and I feel like a moron for not kicking her to the curb and I told her that.

I may still call him, just not right now. I'm glad you agree that there's nothing wrong with it. I thought it would help save the marriage.

Mikey

 

[Persephone36]

Thanks for all your comments I greatly appreciate your concern, it really helps.

We talked some more and we're not haviong an open marriage because I don't want to "play" the field again. I would only want to have another woman if she was there to participate.

I told her I was going to call him and work things out with him, reasonably and that upset her. She did not like that at all. I promised not to call him and she said she'd try. Later saying she wouldn't after I said "trying" wasn't good enough.

She dosn't want to leave, she wants to work things out, in a way I don't and another I want to try.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for your concern.

Mikey

I'm going to give you a response from someone with a lot of knowledge about psychotherapy and analysis -- Mikey -- go get counseling. It's great that you can talk about this here -- but if you *seriously* want to make a stab at building and laying down new trust and communication into your relationship with your wife -- you need a trained professional to help you. Not a bulletin board. And that is in NO way to put down the great, thoughtful and varied advice you've received on here. But that's the problem -- your advice is coming from all different people with all different life experiences. You need to find *one* professional you feel comfortable with to help you. And a good one will throw out the same ideas as you're getting here -- but they will also be there to help you work them out. So that you aren't alone.

If you both want or are *at least* committed to giving it a try at talking things out together, then find a marriage counselor. You both most likely have issues that go throughout your 18 years of marriage that you haven't even begun to touch on or be concious of that are influencing what is happening in your marriage now.

Anyway, I feel for what you're going through from the way you're expressing the situation. Which means you're comfortable with getting in touch and expressing your feelings. That makes you a great candidate for getting something out of working with a marriage counselor.

And that's of course just my .02 cents.

P.

 

[hatara]

Mike you need to put your foot down. Either she goes to marriage counseling with you and ends the affair or it's over. You think all this stress isn't affecting your kids? They know or at least sense it.

This isn't your fault. You said no sex and she should have respected that. I am in a long distance relationship. I have not seen my guy for months and have no clue when we can see each other again. We have also talked about a possible threesome. But doing anything with anyone while he isn't here is out of the question. I love him and that would be a betrayal of his love and trust.

As for continuing the affair once you got home. She knows she is 100% wrong. I am also sorry to say but if she doesn't want you talking to this guy then it's still going on. So either go to counseling and try and fix it or walk. Because if she won't stop the affair and go to counseling you are both only prolonging the agony.

 

[looking4fun]

Leave her now!! Walking away from 18 years of marriage will be hard, but it will save your sanity. Your wifes refusal to let you call Mr Romeo leads me to believe she does not want to stop the affair. Plus her sleeping with him after you voiced your concern over the first affair.

If you stay you wil spend all your time worring about her still having the affair & forget about the things you should be doing for her / with her. Then she will feel as you don't trust (which you shouldn't) or love her anymore. Then she will just go back to her lover for those emotional & physical needs.

Of course one other item that would change my thinking on the above statment. Is how loyal have you been to your wife? Any skeltons in the closet???

Good Luck

 

[mikeyg]

Thank you for your help and concern.
You all are right I'm going to see a marriage counselor she said she would be willing to do that. I told her that I didn't think she would want to because we already know what they are going to tell her.

Thanks for your help it's nice to have someone to discuss this with.

Mikey

 

[Persephone36]

Thank you for your help and concern.
You all are right I'm going to see a marriage counselor she said she would be willing to do that. I told her that I didn't think she would want to because we already know what they are going to tell her.

Thanks for your help it's nice to have someone to discuss this with.

Mikey

That's *fantastic* that you're both going to see a marriage counselor -- hey it's take guts to do it, truly.

But, Mikey -- one word of advice -- you're going to get *no* where if you think you already know what a counselor is going to say to you -- or your wife.

You just don't know yet.

And if you really *want* your wife to go with you -- lay off telling her you don't think she'd want to. That's not the way to get her to do it. Okay?

Go into it with as an open a mind and heart as you can -- and don't try to predict any outcomes. The idea is that you're going there to rebuild communication -- and to learn something about marriage -- and yourself.

 

[Ezarc]

MikeyG,
It comes down to a few not so simple questions.
Q: Is she willing to give him up?
Q: Can you trust her to do so?
Q: How much do you love her?
Q: Can you two be happy again?
Q: Are you both willing to put in the time and effort for serious marriage counsellin?
It comes down to weither you and her can recommit to each other.
Take Care,
Ezarc