Aggressive vs. passive subs; which do you prefer?

[MastersDelight]

I'm submissive when it comes to scenes and sex, outside the bedroom I'm less passive. I manage the kids and the household so I can't be a doormat. I do brat, sometimes its just my mood and I want to push back a little. Sometimes its to get a rise out of him. I like to poke the bear from time to time, it keeps things interesting

 

[dexwebster]

Aggressive vs. passive here seems like a false dichotomy. Your example submissive is proactive, but not what I would call aggressive, and a someone can easily be receptive without being passive.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

I don't like to initiate during sex, but I do like to talk about what I want and need outside the bedroom and then submit during sex.

Sam xx

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I like pliability during sex, and other times when the dynamic is in force (which is a know it when I see it kind of thing).

But I've learned that I need collaboration when the dynamic has quieted. I need to know (kindly and respectfully) what she liked, what she didn't like, what scared her, what brought up wounded places, what sparked a shockingly pleasurable, intense or unexpected reaction.

It gives us both information about what I consider an ongoing group project. I need to know what's going on. I need to know if she has impressions or thoughts; I don't have all the good ideas. Ideally, we both listen carefully, absorb what is said and try to use that information to make things even better.

Also, as a sadist, I love nothing more than having confessions and secrets to file away to use later in potentially delicious ways.

 

[hourglass_nikki_ts]

I like pliability during sex, and other times when the dynamic is in force (which is a know it when I see it kind of thing).

But I've learned that I need collaboration when the dynamic has quieted. I need to know (kindly and respectfully) what she liked, what she didn't like, what scared her, what brought up wounded places, what sparked a shockingly pleasurable, intense or unexpected reaction.

It gives us both information about what I consider an ongoing group project. I need to know what's going on. I need to know if she has impressions or thoughts; I don't have all the good ideas. Ideally, we both listen carefully, absorb what is said and try to use that information to make things even better.

Also, as a sadist, I love nothing more than having confessions and secrets to file away to use later in potentially delicious ways.

Informed sex is the best sex. At first I thought discussion would remove the impulsive feel, but it doesn't. Eventually you forget it was discussed, and just appreciate the powerful orgasms

 

[TinyMetalhead]

I don't like the phrase "aggressive sub" because I'm not in the slightest actually aggressive. But I will express freely what I want, what I'd rather not do unless Master insists and where my hard limits are.

I would like to at least once be played with like a little doll but that's the exception rather than the rule in my preferences. I want Master to tell his little pet what she should do and look him in the eyes and show how much I want to do his bidding. I want him to know how much he means to me and that I submit because of who HE is rather than any other reason. He is the only master for me. Dominant and yet respectful. Hard and yet compassionate. The study in contrasts makes him even more exciting to me. I love to submit to my master. I doubt I could submit in that way to any other man. I trust him implicitly. I don't extend my trust easily. He earned it.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Informed sex is the best sex. At first I thought discussion would remove the impulsive feel, but it doesn't. Eventually you forget it was discussed, and just appreciate the powerful orgasms

I never saw this, but am glad I did now! Interesting. I think not thinking tooo much (and I am a biiiig sex-controlling ovethinker, so it's really difficult) is a sign of great sex.

 

[All_4_Love]

I'm sorry I was a bitch there. I, of all people, should be happy for everyone that finds happiness, in whatever form that takes.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I understand what you were trying to emphasize. (Hug)

I'm a timid woman, and I've concluded it will always just be who I am. It has created situations in my life where I have had to find what felt like enormous willpower to keep from being a doormat or to keep from allowing myself to be abused. There are also times I've accepted abuse.

The only label I struggle with is "weak", but I digress.

Yes, everyone should find happiness in whichever form it suits them. I'm certain that even though the type of submissive I am is of the less desirable type, there is still happiness with someone who is still a "good" Dom out there for me.

 

[tairaruth]

I don't like the phrase "aggressive sub" because I'm not in the slightest actually aggressive. But I will express freely what I want, what I'd rather not do unless Master insists and where my hard limits are.
(end quote)


I'm curious about the use of the word 'aggressive' rather than strong, determined, disciplined, etc. Many words to loosely describe behaviour though non exactly describe it.

I would consider 'free expression' to be completely a requirement for many reasons, minimal being basic self-care and communication. But .. I'm totally new to this so, meh.

 

[NewDomE]

Rather than passive or agressive

I would say eager to please, mischevious but obedient

 

[bi11ionaire]

Personally, I'd prefer to be balanced in that I'm crazy eager to please and love that beyond what words can say, but would also enjoy it if She knew it and would exploit my eagerness for her selfish pleasure.

 

[Nezhul]

I'd prefer the one who can and wants to initiate things. But at the same time, if ordered, will be obedient and compliant and wait.

Is that aggressive or passive?

 

[GrrlFriday]

Hi, all. I haven't been around much lately, I know. Sorry about that. Anyway...

He sits nude at my feet, my chain fastened to his collar. I haven't told him to do anything yet. I don't really need to. He kisses my feet and then works his way up to my thighs, higher and higher. I watch, trembling just a little, as his tongue traces a path upward, followed by the caress of his lips. He seldom lowers his eyes; his expression conveys his desires as he watches my face for cues. I raise my skirt, his tongue comes out and he gives me one last ardent look before he dives in.

I find that I prefer aggressive subs. I've encountered what I consider truly passive subs, those who don't initiate anything, never ask for anything, never even want a conversation, always keep their eyes lowered, etc., in the past. I don't mean to be at all critical; I'm well aware that they are exactly what dom/mes want.

But that isn't to my taste. By "aggressive subs" I don't mean topping from the bottom either. I mean someone I can talk to and maybe even lean on a bit outside of our D/s dynamic, someone who asks for what he wants (still respectfully, of course) and lets me know that he wants me. I like it when my sub initiates a scene for exactly that reason, I guess; it makes me feel wanted (as long as his behavior doesn't just show that he wants a domme and I'll do).

Thoughts? I'm interested in what other kinksters think about this.

Edit: I said "he" throughout this post but it could easily mean "she." I'm bi both sexually and kink-wise.

Or even 'he's where he wants to be'.

 

[jdforfun]

Submissive, passive yes, but always with an active, aggressive and mischievous mind.

 

[bi11ionaire]

Or even 'he's where he wants to be'.

Funny you should say that. That sounds exactly like me.

 

[NewDomE]

Funny you should say that. That sounds exactly like me.

@bi11ionaire I'm SOOO stealing your avatar (not for use on here as my own, of course)

 

[GrrlFriday]

Funny you should say that. That sounds exactly like me.

Yes, yes it does.

 

[learningslut]

I think you're right. Some people think submissive equals easy lay.

definitely, ive gotten hit up by "doms" before, gotten the one and done crap and as soon as he gets off he's out. jerks

 

[YoungToy]

As a 'sub', I generally lean more towards passive. I prefer being seduced, but I also enjoy pushing back against her to see if she really is dominant. Sort of bratty, guiltily.

As for when Im in control, I like pushing a girl until she begs for me. I want to see the sexual beast come out from inside of her and lose control. I want to watch the progression from passive to aggressive.

 

[FunwithRyleigh]

I believe that in any good relationship - kinky or vanilla - there is a power exchange that takes place. A give and take that must happen. If the other person arrives with no power - then how can that exchange take place? Suddenly - it is not a symbiotic relationship, but more of a parasitic one with one being drained by the other.

I think there are moments for quiet time - a simple time to obey - to be more 'passive'.... but I also believe that there should be moments of assertion. Notice - assertive - not aggressive. I want my submissive to be assertive in telling me his needs - but not aggressive towards me.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

Responding to OP

I like a little feistiness in my sub(s). I think it adds that extra spice to their initial and subsequent submissions. It also helps guarantee that if/when she needs something, she will actually talk to me.

 

[cascadiabound]

I have been interpreting this thread as a place for PYL's to discuss their preferences in pyl's, but I guess I am in a particularly feisty mood today, and so while I have been able to walk past this thread for months, I am unable to tonight.

I am not and could never be a passive pyl. I am not even sure whether I am a sub anymore. I am getting less and less content with the label. A recent post that had a link to the Chinese characters for "submission" just about tipped me over into some kind of - "nu uh.... oh noooooo - that is soooo not me.... " that I had to take a deep breath.

However... (taking a deep breath and doing my best to not get all screechy and reactionary after a day that was not at all what I wanted it to be)... I am at heart something on the pyl spectrum. I don't want your fucking labels. But I do want to sit at your feet and have you play with my hair. I want the rough sex (at least sometimes - or most of the time) and I want to give up control to my sexual partner.

BUT - in the rest of my life --> I am a fiery, serious, passionate, competent person who demands and gets respect from all comers. Which makes the times when I do want to submit all the more potent. All the more charged. It is a matter of choice and a matter of negotiation. I am not some wet limp dishrag who will do anything at your whim (not saying any sub is - I told you I was feeling feisty tonight... but that is the image that comes to mind for me what I think of a "passive sub"). I am an equal in all things. I am as smart as you, as competent as you and I can do for myself. I do not need to be taken care of.​

Is that aggressive? Or just a person who is able to articulate who they are and be a co-equal partner as they approach how the control and D/s dynamic is going to unfold? I have no interest in topping from the bottom. If I am going to give up control - it is going to be no holds barred - giving it all up - ALL YOURS. But it is going to be within a framework. Within the limits of what feels safe and okay to me. After a discussion. Even if that discussion scares me to death and makes me face shit I don't really want to face because all of that is part of the dance of intimacy.

I am no wall flower. I have no use for passivity. Better look elsewhere and for some other kind of woman. Not that I am available anyway. Just my two cents on the topic Not that anyone asked.

Oh - and btw. I have been doing some reading on the "warrior princess" sub - and to my way of thinking this is closer to who I am than most other labels I have seen. I have elements of being a "little" but I am not really very much of a lg. And so much of the described classic sub woman is just not who I am at all. Anyway. Still trying to figure shit out and I prolly will be for the rest of my life.

I am only speaking for myself here. Not trying to say that I have any kind of one true way. Just what feels more right for me.

 

[Mrtenant]

I have been interpreting this thread as a place for PYL's to discuss their preferences in pyl's, but I guess I am in a particularly feisty mood today, and so while I have been able to walk past this thread for months, I am unable to tonight.

I am not and could never be a passive pyl. I am not even sure whether I am a sub anymore. I am getting less and less content with the label. A recent post that had a link to the Chinese characters for "submission" just about tipped me over into some kind of - "nu uh.... oh noooooo - that is soooo not me.... " that I had to take a deep breath.

However... (taking a deep breath and doing my best to not get all screechy and reactionary after a day that was not at all what I wanted it to be)... I am at heart something on the pyl spectrum. I don't want your fucking labels. But I do want to sit at your feet and have you play with my hair. I want the rough sex (at least sometimes - or most of the time) and I want to give up control to my sexual partner.

BUT - in the rest of my life --> I am a fiery, serious, passionate, competent person who demands and gets respect from all comers. Which makes the times when I do want to submit all the more potent. All the more charged. It is a matter of choice and a matter of negotiation. I am not some wet limp dishrag who will do anything at your whim (not saying any sub is - I told you I was feeling feisty tonight... but that is the image that comes to mind for me what I think of a "passive sub"). I am an equal in all things. I am as smart as you, as competent as you and I can do for myself. I do not need to be taken care of.​

Is that aggressive? Or just a person who is able to articulate who they are and be a co-equal partner as they approach how the control and D/s dynamic is going to unfold? I have no interest in topping from the bottom. If I am going to give up control - it is going to be no holds barred - giving it all up - ALL YOURS. But it is going to be within a framework. Within the limits of what feels safe and okay to me. After a discussion. Even if that discussion scares me to death and makes me face shit I don't really want to face because all of that is part of the dance of intimacy.

I am no wall flower. I have no use for passivity. Better look elsewhere and for some other kind of woman. Not that I am available anyway. Just my two cents on the topic Not that anyone asked.

Oh - and btw. I have been doing some reading on the "warrior princess" sub - and to my way of thinking this is closer to who I am than most other labels I have seen. I have elements of being a "little" but I am not really very much of a lg. And so much of the described classic sub woman is just not who I am at all. Anyway. Still trying to figure shit out and I prolly will be for the rest of my life.

I am only speaking for myself here. Not trying to say that I have any kind of one true way. Just what feels more right for me.

Its not so much aggressive as being assertive. There is a difference.

 

[JustJeremy]

I've always found the passive sub to be boring. its a struggle to just talk to them if they are too passive. I like seeing their personality, their spark!

 

[Skylex499]

A good deal for it lies in the connotation of a passive sub being more meek and thus more compliant and obedience without that sass or spark that I associate with being an active sub. Though both in their own right can easily please and put forth an effort to please their dom.

The passive sub still exerts effort in pleasing her partner but there is less of that push back or power exchange dynamic. I often wonder if a dom enjoys "the conquest" of bending a feisty sub to his will, so to speak. Is it more rewarding for him? Does he enjoy the challenge? My fear is that the dom will back off from the feistiness if he mistakes it for her unwillingness. This is why it is so important to articulate boundaries beforehand. Therefore, if she gets feisty, he will know how far to go.