Alone in a foreign country

[Katrink]

This is my first post and I apologize for the length. I just needed to vent and hopefully get some wisdom.

Let me start by giving some background. I graduated from college a year ago (in May 2003)... got married in August and drove across the country to live for a few months before coming to Spain (in December). We were in Spain for two months before he left for both March and April. I made a few friends during that time, found a job and started Grad school. Things weren't great, but I was managing. He came home for four weeks and is now gone again.

The few friends I had, have just moved back stateside and while I still have my job...I'm horribly lonely. (We're military, btw) There is a wives group, but they haven't been very welcoming...and they tend to do things during the day, when I'm at work. It also doesn't help that DH is several years older than most of the other junior officers and I am several years younger than all of the wives. Many have kids, which we do not...and that seperates us even more. It just makes fitting in very hard.

I'm a newlywed and miss my husband, I hate my job (my boss) and have no friends. I took one class for Grad school but am waiting for financial aid to come through before I can take any more. Meeting people that way will have to wait.

I even figured that since he was gone for another eight weeks....home for four, gone for eight is the pattern we'll be dealing with for the next three years....that I would try to lose the little extra weight I put on in college, but I can't seem to get motivated. NOTHING sounds good to eat and I'm dealing with it by eating junk. I've been trying to work out, but exercising at the gym at 6am with the marines can be a bit intimidating. I can't do this anymore!! I'm struggling to find my way out of this hole.

I've lived overseas before and never found it this difficult. I figured that living in Spain would be wonderful. It hasn't been.

Any words of wisdom? Oh...and I'm struggling to learn Spanish.

 

[peachykeen]

In 1999, I married my husband 6 August. We moved to England 17 August, as he was transferred here for work.

For the first couple of months, it was very depressing for me. As much as I was enjoying London, I was very very lonely. I'm normally kind of a social butterfly but suddenly I was somewhere where I had no friends, and many of the 'rules' of social engagement are different.

For example, in NYC, I never had any trouble going into a bar on my own, and striking up a conversation with the other customers, bartender, whatever, you know? But over here people are, shall we say, waaaaaaaay more 'reseerved'. First of all the bartenders feel no compulsion to be friendly, as they do not work on tips, so they can be a s surly and reticent as they please. And other customers, well, let's just say English people are generally not all that outgoing in the sense of talking to strangers - they smile and not politely if you try to chat with them but most often will not really engage with someone who isn't introduced to them by someone they already know.

Even though my husband was 'around', he was extremely busy with work and we did not have a huge amount of time together. I remember one Friday evening it was around 8 pm and I was in the laundromat and I had a good little cry, my own personal pity party. Here it was, a Friday night in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, with loads of great stuff going on, but I was so lonely and had no one to go anywhere or do anything with and I was getting so tired of doing cool stuff on my own - going to galleries, shows, arty films, etc - but then not having anyone to enjoy it with. I was definitely "down".

Also without working it was hard for me to meet people. You know how it is, with a job you meet people and develop relationships and make friends and stuff. I was occasionally meeting interesting people, at the galleries and shows and stuff I would go to, but of course I would only see them that once - I never wuite figured out a way of saying "Hey it's been great meeting you and I like you and I don't have any other friends so will you be my friend?" that didn't sound, you know, desperately sad (which is how I felt).

Is there an expat group in your area you can look into? Or, find one online; there are a few. I found that that really helped me, meeting other people in a similar situation.

Now, five years (nearly) down the road, I've made some great friends I can't imagine never having know. It can and will change with time, if you put yourself out there.

I would recommend getting out as much as possible, even if you don't feel like it. Get up each morning, shower and dress as though you had somewhere to be, and just walk around the town. Get to know all of your local shopkeepers - tell them "oh you have to help me practice my Spanish" (in Spanish) and just be really chatty with people. You'll be surprised at how much getting to know the people in the neighbourhood helps you feel more a part of things.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much! I've been in this type of situation before and the best lesson I've learned is that you have the power to make your own experience and grow stronger. I know that's not much of a comfort, but you have a great opportunity to learn and grow.

If you want to make Spanish friends, post some flyers saying you're interested in practicing English and Spanish at the local university and internet cafes. I've also met a lot of Spaniards by hanging out at cafes and asking questions (even in broken Spanish)...once they find out you're making an effort and they can practice English with you, you're set. Making an effort to speak Spanish and assimilate to their culture is a huge deal, especially with what I'd imagine is a lot of anti-American sentiment right now.

Good luck, and I'd be happy to suggest some great places to go while you're in that wonderful country!

 

[LukkyKnight]

Don't leave the HOW TO forum, and don't EVER to near the GENERAL BOARD. You will be addicted, terminally, and have no life whatsoever outside of literotica. Stick to activities that make you interact with real, living people you can see and hear face-to-face.

 

[Katrink]

Peachykeen - I think you know exactly what I'm going through then. I've been to England and have some relatives living there, so I understand the hardships of trying to fit in there. And I do get out of bed every morning. I shower and get dressed and go to work. I hate many minutes of my time there, but it gives me something to do...which I am thankful for.

There are only four of us in the office and one of them is another woman a little older than me. She's nice and we hit it off, but when it comes down to going out and hanging out...that doesn't happen. At least not yet. She's got other friends she would rather spend time with and who speak her native tongue, spanish. I've hung out with her and her friends a couple of times, and it's been extremely uncomfortable.

I've been here six months now and I'm trying to put myself out there....I'm just down and having my own pity party. Especially after the phone call from my husband who described his weekend (fun hanging out with friends at bars...drinking shots and downing keggers) all while I'm stuck in Spain with the cat. I went on base Saturday for a few hours, but other than that I didn't leave the house. (Last weekend I went to the beach and came home burnt to a crisp...so none of that this weekend).

The expats I've found are in big cities like Madrid or Barcelona. I haven't found anything down here in the middle of nowhere. But thank you for that suggestion. I'll keep looking!


SweetErika - Thank you for the advice! Now I just have to work on getting my Spanish up to the point where I can actually begin to try to converse in Spanish. I attempted to call the cable company last night to get a PIN so I could order a movie on their version of pay-per-view and ended up hanging up in fustration when she couldn't understand what I was trying to say to her at all. I haven't found many people here even willing to try to speak English. Even after my botched attempts to speak the language. But I'm trying!!


LukkyKnight - That sounds like good advice. Thanks!

 

[Vixandra]

Katrink, I can understand a good chunk of what you're going through.
I'm stationed in Japan and am fair skinned, blue eyed and have, currently, red-brown hair. Don't speak much Japanese either. Trust me, I understand the language barrier.
You said the harpy... I mean wive's club at your installation is none too friendly. I really shouldn't say this, but most officer's wives (NOT all, would never say that) that are civies, are rather petty, often mean creatures that will ignore you if you're not just like them and have 2.1 kids.
Can you take Space Available hops from Spain? I know you can from the Asian bases, but not sure about Europe's bases. Might check that out- spend a weekend in Germany or something.

Is there an embassy near you? They may have a wives' group that's more welcoming. Could also try getting involved with a local faith group. If you're Christian, theyr'e pretty easy to find.
If you're pagan/wiccan, try www.witchvox.com they've listings all over the world.
Hmm... more then that, can't really think of anything to help. Snag a book on Spanish (make sure its' Spain's spanish and not US mexican spanish) and go out and try. The worst that happens- you're alone and out of the house, the best that happens- you've made a friend! Trust me, its worth it.

 

[Ezzy]

As others have said, learn the language, learn the culture, you will soon be in a circle of friends who will work with you and for you, networking in the local language is 100 times better than trying to do it in your own.

One Spanish trait is to go out to resturants as late as 10 PM for a meal with friends, it is hard lesson to learn but "When in Spain do as the Spanish do".

 

[SweetErika]

Katrink, try to get ahold of a Let's Go: Spain, Portugal and Morocco book if you can. It's a superb resource for cheap activities, food, and lodging, and I'm willing to bet it will give you some great ideas and feed your excitement. And don't get discouraged...the Spaniards WILL warm up to you if you keep making an effort.

Feel free to rant anytime. I think I can speak for all of us in saying we're happy to listen and help anyway possible! ::hugs::

 

[Katrink]

Vixandra - I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. At least there are other people out there who know what it's like. It doesn't help that I watch the other wives all get along and hang out. I feel even more alone. I gotta watch that jealously. It's certainly not helping the situation. Are you active duty or a wife? And are you an "officer wife" as well? I've met a few really wonderful wives here (that have since PCS'd back to the states) and their husbands were all prior. I don't know if the wonderful comes with experience or age or both. I can take the space-A's, but not at the moment...the yn got my ssn wrong on the letter so I'm not going anywhere until it's fixed. I wish we could travel outside of our theater though. I would love to visit Japan. How do you like it? That's an option for us next. Nothing like spending all of your twenties abroad, huh?

The embassy is in Madrid...a good five hours by train and eight by car. But you did spark something. I've been interested in learning more about Tibetan Buddhism for a long time and I found a temple just south of here. Nothing like trying to learn another religion in a foreign language, but it can't hurt I guess. Thank you for the suggestion!!

Ezzy - Yes, they eat very late here. At a time when I need to be in bed most nights. But weekends I'll be out there. Even if it is alone. Nothing like walking the streets at 2am and seeing entire families out with their children. But that's the culture.

SweetErika - You are sweet! Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll have to check it out. Don't tell me to feel free to rant away.....I just might.

 

[SweetErika]

Another crazy idea...

I don't know where you are (guessing Rota), but it might be an option to post a flyer at hostels... "looking for international friends" or something like that.
Also, it might be cheaper for someone in the US to buy you the Let's Go book and send it book rate if you can't find it or don't want to pay outrageous Spanish book prices.

 

[Vixandra]

I'm ADAF myself, Kat. Enlisted side of the house. And yeah, I and people I know, have had run ins with the rather waspish officer's wives groups at various bases.
For Space A's- to talk to your hubby's Command Support Staff (AF name for it). They're also known as the Orderly Room at some places. Have them retype your letter with the right numbers and get his Squadron (whatever) commander to sign it. Then you can fly Space A.

Personally- I love living in Japan. I've always wanted to visit there. I'm just on a very long, extended visit, LOL.
The food's great, the people in our area and the areas' we've visited are wonderful. Very understanding that we don't speak much Japanese and quite a few speak English or understand enough to get by.
I wouldn't trade this assignement for the world. My commanders (up to group level) suck- no point in denying that, but I like the base and love the local area.
But then, I have my beloved with me (he's a civie) and he's been a wonderful support. I'm not alone and that's a big difference.
As for the Buhdism- I'm sure they have someone there who speaks enough English for you to understand one another. They're a very tolerant group I hear.
Oh- was rereading your origional post- check out www.recipezaar.com
They've got a lot of great recipes including ones for single size servings and such.
Hmm... that's all I can think of atm... hope things look brighter for you.

 

[assister49]

Don't leave the HOW TO forum, and don't EVER to near the GENERAL BOARD. You will be addicted, terminally, and have no life whatsoever outside of literotica. Stick to activities that make you interact with real, living people you can see and hear face-to-face.

Even the "how to" forum takes up a lot of my time. But I agree - I like the level of conversations, and the variety, found here. Keep up the good work. (Sorry this is posted in the middle of an unrelated thread).

 

[assister49]

I feel for you and your loneliness. I moved away from my home a few years back, and it was just to another state in the US. It took a long time for me to get over being "homesick" and lonely for old friends and familiar activities.

Being active in my church helped me immensely. Going out with friends after work was a great way to get to know them outside of the work environment. Taking classes for fun, or to learn a new hobby was also a great way to connect with people - even though I have not seen many of them again.

It does get better - slowly... Although I can imagine it is much harder having your husband gone so much. At least I have the constant friendship of mine. Learning the language will help; there were some good suggestions from others on how to improve in that area.

Good luck!

 

[DuckLover]

The idea of chatting with local folks is a great one, particularly if you offer to help with learning English. You might also check with local public schools; they're likely to appreciate some volunteer help.

For connecting with people, another option could be the local youth hostels (depending on your age). While the people you meet won't be in town very long, they could be fun to hang out with occassionally. Depending on your income needs, you could even consider getting a job at the hostel.

Are there any other military/diplomatic posts nearby? You might be able to hook up with folks from other countries who speak English (British, Australian, etc).

Lastly, I recommend that you consider talking with the base family affairs counselor. (I don't know the official title, but I know the base should have a counselor available for family.) That person can help you deal with the stress of your husband's deployment, adjustment issues, and the potential stress and/or depression of lonliness.

As you've seen on this thread, you are not alone. Your situation is not unique. There is help out there and you will get through these hard times. Keep your chin up, stay engaged in the world around you, stay focused on the positive aspects of your life.