How to not have a crush on someone?

[TheOtherTeacher]

I'm a 39 year old teacher of English as a second language. Been single for 1.5 years.

She's 18. She's a student of mine. She's exactly my type.

She clearly likes me. Like most 18 year olds with crushes, she's not great at hiding it.

TBH if we matched on tinder or something it wouldn't be an issue. just 2 adults.

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

Any advice?

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Don't act on it.
Don't give her special treatment or single her out in class because of anything she does that's funny.

Don't call her Princess in front of your dean.
Don't keep a picture of her on your phone. Don't give her you cell# and deny it to all the other students.

Don't track her menstrual cycle through her moods and her clothing, and then share that information with your family.

Don't encourage her to send you selfies when she is trying on gown for a party.

 

[TheOtherTeacher]

Don't act on it.
Don't give her special treatment or single her out in class because of anything she does that's funny.

Don't call her Princess in front of your dean.
Don't keep a picture of her on your phone. Don't give her you cell# and deny it to all the other students.

Don't track her menstrual cycle through her moods and her clothing, and then share that information with your family.

Don't encourage her to send you selfies when she is trying on gown for a party.

I feel like I'm missing an obvious movie reference here

 

[Intrigued42]

You said it yourself: you're in a position of authority. NOTHING good can come of doing ANY of the things BigBoobBabe told you not to do. Acting on your emotions in that situation is a recipe for disaster unless you don't mind losing your job and possibly destroying any future to your career.

 

[dennissara]

Wait till she graduates...as in most things, good things come to those who wait. I approve the others messages above.

 

[Britva415]

I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

Any advice?

Are you saying you aren't capable of not acting on it?

Just don't.

And maybe put effort into meeting someone else. That will help a lot with ceasing to feel this way about the unavailable person.

 

[CuriousCat89]

I'm a 39 year old teacher of English as a second language. Been single for 1.5 years.

She's 18. She's a student of mine. She's exactly my type.

She clearly likes me. Like most 18 year olds with crushes, she's not great at hiding it.

TBH if we matched on tinder or something it wouldn't be an issue. just 2 adults.

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

Any advice?

if you matched on tinder it would be an issue. You're more than twice her age.
Maybe where you are from, that's ok? But even if she is legal it doesn't mean the power dynamic can be consensual.

What do you have in common with someone more than half your age? Nothing. Aside from sexual attraction and her giving you attention, this is ridiculous.

 

[asian2015]

All of what everyone above said.

You also said this yourself:

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

So, I'm curious if this is even a legitimate question or are you just too bored?

 

[TheRedChamber]

Presumably the question is not if you should act on it, but how to avoid the emotional and sexual pull of there being an attractive and potentially...lets not say 'available' but 'consenting' woman that you are interacting with daily. However bad of an idea you know it to be, if you are lonely and seeing her daily or weekly and she's dropping signals of course that will have an effect on you.

I'd suggest your best bet is transferrence. That is to say, look for someone else who could be a more appropriate partner. If you find yourself thinking about the student, thank about the partner instead. Make active moves to advance your dating life - something you probably want to do regardless.

You mention being an ESL teacher - if she's of a different ethnicity from you, then avoid watching any porn focuses on that ethnicity and, indeed, probably best you go hard MILF for a good while regardless. Any thoughts or fantasies get her replaced with an alternative immediately.

Try to minimize contact with her as much as possible without being unprofessional. (Other students will quickly notice if she's your favourite.) You probably can't talk to her about it head on unless she makes 'a move' but try to avoid signalling you like and try to indicate subtly that you are not interested. 'Can't talk now. I've got a meeting' would probably work wonders.

 

[EmilyMiller]

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

This

I had a relationship with a older guy which started when I was nineteen. But you have a professional duty of care toward her. You know the answer already.

 

[EmilyMiller]

What do you have in common with someone more than half your age?

Sorry, this is utter BS.

I had very little in common with the male students my age. Don’t make sweeping generalizations.

The issue is he is in a position of authority. It would be an abuse of this to act on his urges.

 

[somber777]

I agree with the advice given so far. Sometimes a coping mechanism can be to throw oneself into something else you are passionate about. I find that a busy mind with many other things to focus on, especially if those are truly interesting and scratch an itch of creativity or passion of a different type can help make it easier hold firm on something I'm trying resist or have a good reason to suppress until some time has passed and a cooler head prevails...

just a thought

 

[ericalauren]

I'm a 39 year old teacher of English as a second language. Been single for 1.5 years.

She's 18. She's a student of mine. She's exactly my type.

She clearly likes me. Like most 18 year olds with crushes, she's not great at hiding it.

TBH if we matched on tinder or something it wouldn't be an issue. just 2 adults.

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

Any advice?

Ignore the crush. It would be extremely inappropriate to act on it. Date people around your own age. You're too old for a teenager, and even more so a student.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Sorry, this is utter BS.

I had very little in common with the male students my age. Don’t make sweeping generalizations.

The issue is he is in a position of authority. It would be an abuse of this to act on his urges.

Your age and more than twice your age are not the same thing.
Either way, it’s gross. If they’re old enough to be your parent, no.

 

[TomTeacher19]

If you're asking on how to end your crush feelings for her to keep you from getting in trouble, then try dating someone else or find where you are different from her and focus on those things - most people can find things to fixate on and screw stuff up even with people who would be good matches.

If you're really looking for permission to cross the line you aren't going to find it here but if you're that convinced you two should be together then be patient until one or both of you is no longer in the same position. If she's right for you, she's worth the wait

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

There is nothing wrong with an age gap, per se. I'm doing a forty-year gap myself as I write, but she'll be 29 this day next week. I read OP as knowing he must not act, but asking how to avoid that temptation. He deserves the good advice given above; he does not deserve condemnation.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Your age and more than twice your age are not the same thing.
Either way, it’s gross. If they’re old enough to be your parent, no.

You are entitled to your opinion.

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

Go ahead and condemn me, CuriousCat89, I'm old enough to be my love's grandfather.

 

[CuriousCat89]

You are entitled to your opinion.

I am. And he’s asking for opinions by sharing on a public forum.
I was once 19 with a 39 year old professor. He’s now a national figure. It’s gross. So it’s my opinion and experience.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Go ahead and condemn me, CuriousCat89, I'm old enough to be my love's grandfather.

Yep. That’s gross. But this thread isn’t you asking for advice.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I am. And he’s asking for opinions by sharing on a public forum.
I was once 19 with a 39 year old professor. He’s now a national figure. It’s gross. So it’s my opinion and experience.

You had a bad experience. I had a good one and am still friendly with the guy. Neither data point allows us to be proscriptive about other people’s lives. You are not me. I am not you. And neither of us is the OP*. So generalizations aren’t helpful.

* Though there is theory held in tinfoil hat circles that 10% of people here are my alts

 

[CuriousCat89]

Ok. It’s gross. But good luck.

 

[ericalauren]

I am. And he’s asking for opinions by sharing on a public forum.
I was once 19 with a 39 year old professor. He’s now a national figure. It’s gross. So it’s my opinion and experience.

That's awful. I'm really sorry to hear that.

 

[KittyOfSteele]

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

The libertine in me just gave a long sigh and wants to say "why are you making a whole drama about it instead of stepping forward?" but then again the world's not built for libertines. If you want to take the risk, take the risk, but it seems that with this line you already made your mind.

So, the advice that I have had already been said: either look for some other people, or just wait until she graduates.

What I'm here for is to quote Jung on this: what you resist it persists. You can't simply will yourself out of a crush. In reality it gets stronger. I've been there, and I've done that. So, what should you do? Since you chose your career over her, you must now acknowledge that you have those feelings, take a deep breath, and most importantly, don't beat yourself up for that. It doesn't make you any less of a teacher, it makes you human. Be compassionate with yourself because that could happen to anyone. I've seen it, I've heard of it, I've witnessed things... I'm a teacher too, and feelings like that can show up because we're human. It's tough, but again it's manageable through self-compassion and facing it head-on, however that looks like for you. In my case it looks like art.

 

[CuriousCat89]

But I'm in a position of authority. I could lose my job if I act on it.

And what about her? The potential trauma of being preyed upon by someone in a position of authority?

Flip side, you shouldn’t be around students. So I say go for it and hopefully lose your job. Please.