Anal and Romance

[BrandedWoman]

Oh so I finally give up my ass, after 14 years together. Yes it was hot, yes it was intense and yes I will do it again.

So what's the problem?

Well, is it wrong to want some real connection, to want to feel cherished and loved and like you are the greatest lover, wife, woman in the world afterwards? Yes we have great loving, romantic, porno, wild, hot sex. I am trying to explain to my H, why I feel let down today. I gave him my virgin ass and it was special to me. I am a sexual abuse survivor, some things don't come easily to me(literally), it is very hard to let those walls down, emotionally and sexually. Some very tender kisses, some looking into my eyes and holding me would have made me fly. I just in the past month had my first orgasm through oral, and I was so overwhelmed I cried, it was fucking wonderful.

It doesn't help that I have a hard time expaining how I feel,I need to feel like I am not just a hot hole, but a real loving hot woman that he can't resist.

 

[Ezzy]

If writing it down is easier try that.

One of the other things that it brings to mind is what position did you use? And did you both take time to enjoy you being anally filled, before getting into the thrusting etc.

Position wise I find a woman on her back with her ass raised on a pillow or two, (and the man effectively in the anal missionary position), allows for much more eye-to-eye contact and a willingness to speak and communicate one on one.

Spooning or scissoring, allow for either little eye-to-eye contact or need twisting positions to help that communication.

 

[rthnck]

Well as a guy I can relate to the OP's experience. In the heat of the moment we can be pretty oblivious to everything else. I know that the first time my partner offered me her ass, I tried to take my time but got carried away and lost my access to that hole for many years. Totally my fault.

I think that we all need affirmations and assurances in a relationship that there is more than just a physical component to sex. Sure there are times when I am quite happy to be a sexual object with no other connection needed or desired (and the same for my partner) but as BrandedWoman indicated, the mental/emotional component is part of every strong growing relationship.

This is a communication issue at this point. Anal is a fairly big step and usually a huge sacrifice for women and it should be acknowleged as such. I hope you let your husband know how you feel and I hope you give him another chance to see that there is much more to you than a "hot hole".

 

[SweetErika]

THIS is an excellent thread from The Blank Manual sticky about post-anal emotions/emotional issues. I'd suggest reading through it.

But, no, you're not wrong for feeling like you need to be tended to emotionally before, during or after anal. I'd say it's very common, in fact, and I usually have the same need. I chalk it up to being in a very vulnerable position where my partner could really hurt me, so I need that trust and love reinforced. Like you, I think being a survivor plays into it heavily for me, since being assaulted dealt the biggest blow to my trust and self-worth/esteem. However, plenty of women who don't have abuse/assault in their past have similar needs after anal, so I don't believe trauma is the only factor.

Anyway, the solution is to tell your partner what you need very clearly, and remind them as necessary. It might be a good idea to read that thread I linked you to with them if you think it has helpful info, too.

 

[Fennel]

Please don't take this as finger-wagging, but communication involves both parties and we women bear some responsibility in stating upfront our emotional-sexual needs rather than expecting our male partners to be mind-readers.

In the heat of the moment, it is easy for all of us to get carried away by the sensation. Hell, sometimes we WANT that, and less of the mushy love-me-treasure-me parts.

Nothing wrong with either when everyone is on the right page.

But when you are not on the right page, maybe it is just in that one moment and the NEXT opportunities are for getting it right.

If the OP wants to grow in her sexual relationship with him, HIS EMOTIONAL STATE will need as much tender care. He can't be accused of treating her like a hole, of being selfish or otherwise not caring for needs that he AND she are now becoming aware of.

This is a great opportunity to seize on the sexy/dirty bits and talk about how the other bits will make even the next days thoughts worthwhile.

And, please, be concrete not accusative.

"I don't want to be just a hole" might be "let's make sure to kiss and cuddle plenty right afterwards" or it might be YOU making HIM feel like a hot stud you can't resist.

My 2 cents!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Being an abuse survivor and in a 14 year relationship, with one whom we'd expect would be sensitive to your issues, we could only assume that you get these indicators on a regular basis from your significant other. Even on an event of this magnitude it would seem odd that post coitus relations would differ from any other night of pleasure.

Maybe I'm an odd duck, but I've always discussed new things with my SO prior to them actually happening. Post events are always the same as any other time, plenty of affection and post coital cuddling.

 

[moonoversoho]

hey - first of all, it's really cool that you feel able to talk about all this stuff. you're really brave; a sexual abuse survivors i know is absolutely petrified of ever having sex in her lifetime, so well done for getting so far.

definitely the position needs to be right with anal. because people still see it as 'taboo sex', it can seem dirty as opposed to sexy or intimate. whatever position you use, try and make eye contact. avoid doggy style/bent over a desk/anything which makes you into an object.

talk to your partner. make them realise what a huge step you've taken. enjoy the experience, look at each other, whisper to each other during, kiss each other, and afterwards, have a big hug.

good luck xxx

 

[bob69carter]

I like arse and my wife likes to receive it, but as others have said, you can't just ram it home. Use lots of lube and as for all kinds of sex, lots of loving foreplay. Let teh woman control the depth and speed of penetration

 

[midwestscribe]

If the OP wants to grow in her sexual relationship with him, HIS EMOTIONAL STATE will need as much tender care. He can't be accused of treating her like a hole, of being selfish or otherwise not caring for needs that he AND she are now becoming aware of.

Don't know if you have a male partner currently, Fennel. But, if you do, he is one lucky SOB, whether he realizes it or not (probably does).

Your insight into the male psyche is not only rare but totally refreshing.

You go, girl !!!!

 

[Fennel]

Ahhhh, that's so nice of you to say! Thanks!