Any long term marriages out there?

[MarkBaileyUK]

In exactly the same place with my husband. Incredibly loving, best friends, parenting together…but the sex part between us just died. Hence why I’m on here

I’m sorry to hear that, have you guys spoken about it and how it can be improved? I’m in a similar situation

 

[CharleySoHorny]

I’m sorry to hear that, have you guys spoken about it and how it can be improved?

We have, a bit. Not got very far with him, tbh. But it’s almost like it’s too late now. We sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring which hasn’t helped. We love each other very much, I’m afraid we just don’t have that attraction anymore. Ugh. Any tips?

 

[Wonderer67]

Together 20 years; married 16 of those. I think having a separate place for spouses to go at times can be so beneficial in a marriage. Sometimes that could be living separately indefinitely but still visiting often. At the least, having the means to be able to leave for a few days for a solo trip or a girls trip has also been beneficial for me. As a stay at home mom, there was a time when I didn’t have a lot of access to extra money to be able to leave if/when I needed a break. Through time and some not so good times, I made sure to not be in that position again. I wouldn’t be ok with any extra marital activity though.

I’ve found a lot of benefits to it. I become a better version of myself. I can’t depend on him for everything. We have space to cool our heads. We are both invigorated when we are reunited.

I have no regrets in getting divorced, but what you describe was one of the options we thoughts about: staying married but loving separately.

It might have worked.

We didn’t go for it tho… we divorced and I’ve never been happier.

That was 15-16 years ago. And I’ve met the most amazing woman. We’ve been together for 12 years.

 

[gin53man]

We have, a bit. Not got very far with him, tbh. But it’s almost like it’s too late now. We sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring which hasn’t helped. We love each other very much, I’m afraid we just don’t have that attraction anymore. Ugh. Any tips?

have you ever explored masturbation together or the exhilaration of masturbating each other in public?

 

[LMWM321]

We have, a bit. Not got very far with him, tbh. But it’s almost like it’s too late now. We sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring which hasn’t helped. We love each other very much, I’m afraid we just don’t have that attraction anymore. Ugh. Any tips?

Tips? Well, take this for what it's worth - ie., free advice on a sex website, so probably not much - but if it were me I'd drag his ass to a marriage and/ or sex therapist. Life is too short and sex is too important to forever go without.

If he refuses, I would be inclined to say, "I love you and will remain your wife and will keep you at the center of my life, but I will NOT live out my years without sex. I'd prefer that my partner be you, but if you have no interest then I will find it elsewhere."

Yes, infidelity is a betrayal of your marital vows, but so too is failure to give your partner the physical intimacy they need to be happy.

If you do nothing else, get to a therapist to tend to your own well-being.

 

[CharleySoHorny]

have you ever explored masturbation together or the exhilaration of masturbating each other in public?

No lol. I think that’s something too far off the scale when we can’t even have boring missionary PIV lie-back-and-think-of-England sex.

I explore this stuff in my Lit stories though

 

[Eyelevel]

No lol. I think that’s something too far off the scale when we can’t even have boring missionary PIV lie-back-and-think-of-England sex.

I explore this stuff in my Lit stories though

It sounds like you have an exhibition fetish. Maybe talk to him about exposing you in public gradually. That might encourage more intimacy.

 

[CharleySoHorny]

It sounds like you have an exhibition fetish. Maybe talk to him about exposing you in public gradually. That might encourage more intimacy.

Oh I 100% do have an exhibition fetish

 

[Eyelevel]

Oh I 100% do have an exhibition fetish

Have him expose you in public gradually. Start at a restaurant and go from there

 

[Dearelliot]

We've been married for 66 years last June, and of course sex is non existent as thats what she wants...and has for maybe 10 years more or less, not that it has been great since maybe she turned 60ish...but I've always enjoyed the working ladies as I wanted kink...and she didn't. But we are partners, 100% We have always had each others back, and the money is hers and mine...together we dont separate...She is my life.
I met her in a bar in Berlin while stationed there...Best thing ever happened to me,.
I'm 91 and she's 88.

 

[JudyOfOregon]

happily married now for 24 years after two divorces & being widowed.
the first 3 husbands knew first-hand that i was sexually promiscuous, and should not
have been surprised when my adventures took me elsewhere. but they just couldn't
share once they had me. my 4th marriage began completely differently, as a friendship
with a man that i would never have dated. after a few years of marriage, we added my
best friend as a casual sex partner, and i began to relive my deep dark secrets. soon, he
encouraged me to goto a singles resort w my girlfriend to rekindle my sexual adventurism.
that was fun but nothing more. the long-term friendship faded. and for the last 10+ years,
we've kept it to ourselves (mostly), as we've grown much closer over time.

 

[TheIntrepidBoyager]

37yrs here. She's older than me and now that we're getting on, that is starting to show. She's slowing down and the health issues are starting to creep up.

We raised two great kids, worked through tough times, both internal and external, and will continue to fulfill our vows.

We've had some good sexual adventures and she's always been turned on by, and indulged, my kinky side.

We might argue over the dishes but when the lube comes out, all is forgiven! Or at least forgotten.

 

[gin53man]

No lol. I think that’s something too far off the scale when we can’t even have boring missionary PIV lie-back-and-think-of-England sex.

I explore this stuff in my Lit stories though

maybe just tell him you're not wearing panties in some public place and suggestively touch yourself

 

[Britva415]

We love each other very much, I’m afraid we just don’t have that attraction anymore. Ugh. Any tips?

Is he uninterested in sex at all? Or just not with you?

If the two of you want to stay married, do you expect each other to stay celibate since you aren't doing it with each other? Or could you talk to each other about letting each other have extramarital fun - since you aren't doing it with each other?

 

[LMWM321]

I’m afraid we just don’t have that attraction anymore. Ugh. Any tips?

One other suggestion...

Has he had his testosterone checked? A sub-normal testosterone level (< 200 ng/dL) could definitely account for having little or no interest in sex. And it SHOULD be addressed. Testosterone - in both men and women - is an important hormone that is responsible for much more than just sex-drive. Those with chronic low levels are at higher risk for osteoporosis, cognitive decline, and heart arrhythmia. AND they have a lower life expectancy.

People shouldn't confuse Testosterone replacement therapy that is intended to return levels to normal (for Men: 200-800ng/dL) with TRT that jacks a mans way above that range so he get's that "I'm 20 again!" feeling. The former is NOT considered dangerous (or controversial), but the latter is....

Women's levels are harder to asses and TRT is more controversial. Well, in the US. Not so in Australia and UK.

 

[Blackbird93]

It looks like I'm the kid of this group at 32. Me and my wife have been married for 8 years, and we've had our ups and downs in the bedroom. I'd say that the communication has improved drastically, but we definitely have different drives. I am basically hypersexual, and she's had past issues that lead to her struggling to have much of one at all until I start getting her excited.

 

[CharleySoHorny]

I am basically hypersexual, and she's had past issues that lead to her struggling to have much of one at all

That’s a shame but honestly I think a lot of women struggle with sex. For complex reasons.

Obviously some women have had negative past experiences that understandably affect their comfort and mental focus in this area (eg SA). Also, lots of women with children do so much of the early years childcare that they’re too exhausted to engage with their sex drives. (Men, if you want your wife to want sex more, make sure you do your fair share of domestic work & childcare - you’ll be more tired yourself, but you will absolutely see a difference in her.)

More generally, though, an underlying repression I see in many women comes from the way we are raised: to be objects of sex and not the subjects of our own lives and desires. Women are taught to police and control our sexual desires from a very young age (we must be “ladylike”) and if we don’t, we’re trashy whores. That’s why sex positivity is so important for women to embrace in any way that makes sense to them.

 

[13Fantasies]

That’s a shame but honestly I think a lot of women struggle with sex. For complex reasons.

Obviously some women have had negative past experiences that understandably affect their comfort and mental focus in this area (eg SA). Also, lots of women with children do so much of the early years childcare that they’re too exhausted to engage with their sex drives. (Men, if you want your wife to want sex more, make sure you do your fair share of domestic work & childcare - you’ll be more tired yourself, but you will absolutely see a difference in her.)

More generally, though, an underlying repression I see in many women comes from the way we are raised: to be objects of sex and not the subjects of our own lives and desires. Women are taught to police and control our sexual desires from a very young age (we must be “ladylike”) and if we don’t, we’re trashy whores. That’s why sex positivity is so important for women to embrace in any way that makes sense to them.

Maybe that will work.

But as a man who has ALWAYS given at least 50% (and usually more) to both the kids and household chores, this is NOT a given. Definitely talk about it before doing it if you have an unspoken expectation because she might see it differently

 

[LMWM321]

A great post above @CharleySoHorny

We are so quick to offer our sympathy to the men who complain about their sexless marriages. And that's fine. But it would be fascinating to hear from the women in these marriages - to hear their side of the story. It's predictable, and to your point @CharleySoHorny, we would hear a lot of women complaining about doing a disproportionate amount of the household duties and child-raising, even when they may work full time themselves. But is that all we'd hear? I'm betting not..

I have two friends in their late 50's who endlessly grumble about their wive's declining libido. And although they are both kind and loving husbands - who do their fare share of the child and household duties - they seem to make NO effort whatsoever to stoke their wife's desire with just a LITTLE bit of attention to their own attractiveness. As men we can't help our thinning hair, wrinkles, adding a few pounds, etc. But what about...

• Quit wearing the same tired clothes and update your wardrobe every few years.
• When talking with your wife, be engaged! Show interest, not impatience. And don't look at your F'ing cell phone when out to dinner.
• Clip your gnarly toenails every week. And if you have nail fungus, see a doctor and get it dealt with. Both of my friends have this problem and NEITHER has done anything about it. Gross.
• Teeth don't have to be bright white, but they shouldn't be yellow. If they are, use a teeth whitening rinse for a few weeks.
• Don't leave the door open as you use the toilet - you're not a 5-year old.
• Don't poop in the bathroom as your wife is showering. Friend #1 sneaks in to do this and thinks it's hilarious when his wife starts screaming when she notices the smell. It's great for a laugh but not so good for her sexual interest in him. Apparently, he'd rather be a crude prankster than be sexually desired.
• Never spit, pick your nose or your teeth in front of your wife (or anyone else, for that matter).
• Keep your mouth closed while eating.
• Tend to your ear, nostril, and eyebrow hair. Yes, it's a cruel irony that this hair gets bushier as our heads get balder, but deal with it.

While dating their wives, my friends did none of the above. But now that they're married, they seem to take their wive's attraction to them for granted, instead of continuing to earn it each and every day. Ugh.

 

[cadman7777]

Well I was married for 38 years before my wife started an affair and filed for divorce....ended up married for 41 years total.....it's all good now though

 

[Dooner11]

I am lucky. My wife and I are 26 years together. The key is that we still both are attracted to each other. Space. Honesty and trust. I’ve made some of her kinks happen, and she has made mine come true. It’s give and take. No secrets.

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

My first marriage lasted 22 nominal years. But it was dead in all but name for the last five or longer. My son asserts it was at least seven on her part. We stayed together while our son finished high school. No blame to her, she couldn't cope with the disabilities caused by my first stroke. BTW, the stroke didn't damage sexual function, just my ability to use specific positions. One of which was her favorite: climb on top and fuck the living hell out of her. She'd have been content to be married to me in name only for life.

Now I'm working on my eighth year with a woman who is my wife in all but name. Stupid SSI rules would make marriage financial suicide. But she is the reason I filed for divorce from #1. Had to draft my own petition, as I had no money to pay for help. It was uncontested, but the San Beradino, CA courts insisted on every i dotted and t crossed perfectly.

 

[PFWilly]

59 years as a couple, soon to be 56 married.

My performance days have been pretty much sidelined by cancer for a few years, but our abiding love continues.

We got very lucky.

 

[ChicagoR85]

Damn this Thread is very inspiring. Love and sex can coexist, if they can’t one should never loose hope to get sex and love again! Thanks to every one for sharing this