Any one in the Christmas Spirit Post Here
- Thread starter rosylady
- Start date
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
One Crazy Cool Yule
'Twas the Night before Christmas has lots of nice rhymes
But I fear that the tale doesn't fit modern times.
What is a kerchief? My dad wears no cap.
He snores the whole night, no way it's a nap.
They tell me that Santa is coming tonight.
He'll be flying in here on a sleigh. Yeah, RIGHT!
When I was much younger I believed all that stuff,
Now that I'm older I know it's a bluff.
As this Christmas eve is going so slow
I sneak down the stairs to watch HBO.
I listen for sounds throughout our big house.
My mom would go crazy if we had a mouse.
All of a sudden I hear the floor squeak
Someone is coming, sneakety, sneak.
And then as my heart leaps up to my throat
I see a fat man in a funny red coat.
'Twas the Night before Christmas has lots of nice rhymes
But I fear that the tale doesn't fit modern times.
What is a kerchief? My dad wears no cap.
He snores the whole night, no way it's a nap.
They tell me that Santa is coming tonight.
He'll be flying in here on a sleigh. Yeah, RIGHT!
When I was much younger I believed all that stuff,
Now that I'm older I know it's a bluff.
As this Christmas eve is going so slow
I sneak down the stairs to watch HBO.
I listen for sounds throughout our big house.
My mom would go crazy if we had a mouse.
All of a sudden I hear the floor squeak
Someone is coming, sneakety, sneak.
And then as my heart leaps up to my throat
I see a fat man in a funny red coat.
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Eddie, the Elk
Eddie the Elk sat at home one day,
He couldn't work and he wouldn't play.
He was discouraged and annoyed,
This sad young elk was unemployed.
He had many interviews,
That always ended in bad news.
He would go but they would say,
"We're not hiring elks today."
Eddie cried, "Oh, what's the use
My life is filled with elk abuse."
His mother said, "There's no excuse,
To lay around like a lazy moose."
This is not discrimination,
It's about determination.
Now hold your head and antlers high,
You'll find a job, just try, try, try!"
Then she got the paper out.
Took a look, began to shout.
With excitement, read this ad:
"Santa needs ten elks real bad.
"Come tomorrow morn at eight
There's work to do. Don't be late."
Eddie combed his fur real fine.
Even gave his hooves a shine.
By seven a crowd began to meet.
At Santa's home on North Pole Street.
Eddie couldn't believe his eyes,
He was surrounded by little guys.
"Are you a reindeer?" asked the crowd.
"I'm an elk," he said, real proud.
"You're an elk? What can you do?"
"Whatever Santa wants me to."
Eddie stretched up on his paws,
"I came to work for Mr. Claus.
My mother read, to me, his ad.
That said we elks are needed bad."
Your problem's sure to be your size,
The ad was for us little guys!
Don't be embarrassed that you came,
Cause elks and elves do sound the same.
"Your problem's sure to be your size,
The ad was for us little guys!
Don't be embarrassed that you came,
Cause elks and elves do sound the same.
Even though you're not an elf,
Please talk to Santa Claus yourself.
I'll take you to him right away.
I'm one of his elves, call me Ray."
And after Ray let Santa know,
Old Santa chuckled , "Ho, Ho, Ho.
Just tell your mother that she needs
To wear her glasses when she reads."
"I'll think of something, until then,
We'll keep you in the reindeer pen.
And maybe you can learn to serve
As reindeer back-up, in reserve
The reindeer said, "Now, if you try,
We promise you will learn to fly."
There were so many times he fell.
But soon he learned and flew real well.
But elks are heavier, you see,
With antlers like a little tree.
So he was really kind of slow,
Compared to speeds that reindeer go.
Yes, Eddie was a little slow.
His heavy hooves slid in the snow.
And through the ceiling went a hoof.
When landing on the practice roof.
The reindeer didn't seem to care.
Said, "Way to go" and "Hang in there."
But Eddie soon began to fear,
You can't make elk into a deer.
Prancer and Eddie liked to play,
They practiced takeoffs everyday.
Did spins and dips and flips and stuff
They both just couldn't fly enough.
They flew too long and Eddie froze
His ears, his face, also his nose.
When his face thawed, his ears thawed too,
But Eddie's nose stayed frozen blue.
It took two days for it to heal,
Then Eddie's nose began to peel.
Prancer said, "My nose peeled, too.
Mine's OK but yours turned blue."
And there it was for all to see,
His nose was blue as blue can be.
And it was also very bright,
It made a lovely, wondrous light.
Whenever Eddie blinked an eye
His flashing nose lit up the sky.
All the reindeer came to see
And have a little reindeer glee.
When Santa saw it, he looked grim.
And Eddies nose began to dim.
He said to Santa, "Are you mad?"
Santa answered, "No, I'm glad.
"For now I know just what you'll be!
You'll be our elk for emergency!
I'm sorry, but I must confess,
At times we lose someone's address.
"Sometimes I find, when I touch down,
Several children aren't in town.
If they have moved, we're stuck, you see,
We have a real emergency!
"One who's moved or on vacation,
Means we must find their new location.
When that's done, we'll tell you where,
So you can rush the presents there."
"So when we miss a girl or lad,
We never want to leave them sad.
We've always needed someone who,
Could go to them, now we have you.
"While we're racing through the snow
Your little sleigh will also go.
But once I give my whip a crack,
I'm out of there, I can't go back.
"You can return though, think of this:
Your work will cover what we miss.
Your gorgeous blue nose with that glow
Will safely guide you through the snow.
"And when folks see that blinking blue,
All the world will know it's you.
They'll all wave and they will cheer,
'Eddie the blue-nosed elk is here!' "
So Eddie pulls his little sleigh,
With his helper, the elf named Ray.
His blue nose blinking through the air.
Makes special runs to get gifts there.
Eddie's mom is filled with joy
Because she has a working boy.
She looks out on Christmas night
To wave at each and every light. And her elk heart is filled with pride.
As her son takes his famous ride.
And then she thinks, "Oh, I'm so glad.
I found that great 'elks wanted ad.' "
So go to bed and dream away,
For soon it will be Christmas day.
We all can rest real well because,
Our Eddie's helping Santa Claus.
grandpatucker
Eddie the Elk sat at home one day,
He couldn't work and he wouldn't play.
He was discouraged and annoyed,
This sad young elk was unemployed.
He had many interviews,
That always ended in bad news.
He would go but they would say,
"We're not hiring elks today."
Eddie cried, "Oh, what's the use
My life is filled with elk abuse."
His mother said, "There's no excuse,
To lay around like a lazy moose."
This is not discrimination,
It's about determination.
Now hold your head and antlers high,
You'll find a job, just try, try, try!"
Then she got the paper out.
Took a look, began to shout.
With excitement, read this ad:
"Santa needs ten elks real bad.
"Come tomorrow morn at eight
There's work to do. Don't be late."
Eddie combed his fur real fine.
Even gave his hooves a shine.
By seven a crowd began to meet.
At Santa's home on North Pole Street.
Eddie couldn't believe his eyes,
He was surrounded by little guys.
"Are you a reindeer?" asked the crowd.
"I'm an elk," he said, real proud.
"You're an elk? What can you do?"
"Whatever Santa wants me to."
Eddie stretched up on his paws,
"I came to work for Mr. Claus.
My mother read, to me, his ad.
That said we elks are needed bad."
Your problem's sure to be your size,
The ad was for us little guys!
Don't be embarrassed that you came,
Cause elks and elves do sound the same.
"Your problem's sure to be your size,
The ad was for us little guys!
Don't be embarrassed that you came,
Cause elks and elves do sound the same.
Even though you're not an elf,
Please talk to Santa Claus yourself.
I'll take you to him right away.
I'm one of his elves, call me Ray."
And after Ray let Santa know,
Old Santa chuckled , "Ho, Ho, Ho.
Just tell your mother that she needs
To wear her glasses when she reads."
"I'll think of something, until then,
We'll keep you in the reindeer pen.
And maybe you can learn to serve
As reindeer back-up, in reserve
The reindeer said, "Now, if you try,
We promise you will learn to fly."
There were so many times he fell.
But soon he learned and flew real well.
But elks are heavier, you see,
With antlers like a little tree.
So he was really kind of slow,
Compared to speeds that reindeer go.
Yes, Eddie was a little slow.
His heavy hooves slid in the snow.
And through the ceiling went a hoof.
When landing on the practice roof.
The reindeer didn't seem to care.
Said, "Way to go" and "Hang in there."
But Eddie soon began to fear,
You can't make elk into a deer.
Prancer and Eddie liked to play,
They practiced takeoffs everyday.
Did spins and dips and flips and stuff
They both just couldn't fly enough.
They flew too long and Eddie froze
His ears, his face, also his nose.
When his face thawed, his ears thawed too,
But Eddie's nose stayed frozen blue.
It took two days for it to heal,
Then Eddie's nose began to peel.
Prancer said, "My nose peeled, too.
Mine's OK but yours turned blue."
And there it was for all to see,
His nose was blue as blue can be.
And it was also very bright,
It made a lovely, wondrous light.
Whenever Eddie blinked an eye
His flashing nose lit up the sky.
All the reindeer came to see
And have a little reindeer glee.
When Santa saw it, he looked grim.
And Eddies nose began to dim.
He said to Santa, "Are you mad?"
Santa answered, "No, I'm glad.
"For now I know just what you'll be!
You'll be our elk for emergency!
I'm sorry, but I must confess,
At times we lose someone's address.
"Sometimes I find, when I touch down,
Several children aren't in town.
If they have moved, we're stuck, you see,
We have a real emergency!
"One who's moved or on vacation,
Means we must find their new location.
When that's done, we'll tell you where,
So you can rush the presents there."
"So when we miss a girl or lad,
We never want to leave them sad.
We've always needed someone who,
Could go to them, now we have you.
"While we're racing through the snow
Your little sleigh will also go.
But once I give my whip a crack,
I'm out of there, I can't go back.
"You can return though, think of this:
Your work will cover what we miss.
Your gorgeous blue nose with that glow
Will safely guide you through the snow.
"And when folks see that blinking blue,
All the world will know it's you.
They'll all wave and they will cheer,
'Eddie the blue-nosed elk is here!' "
So Eddie pulls his little sleigh,
With his helper, the elf named Ray.
His blue nose blinking through the air.
Makes special runs to get gifts there.
Eddie's mom is filled with joy
Because she has a working boy.
She looks out on Christmas night
To wave at each and every light. And her elk heart is filled with pride.
As her son takes his famous ride.
And then she thinks, "Oh, I'm so glad.
I found that great 'elks wanted ad.' "
So go to bed and dream away,
For soon it will be Christmas day.
We all can rest real well because,
Our Eddie's helping Santa Claus.
grandpatucker
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
At Grandma's House
Some days I fight pirates, way out on the sea.
Some days I climb mountains in the big oak tree.
A guys gets to be what a guy has to be:
At Grandma's house.
My big sister, Lil, gets to bake her own pies.
She can paint that blue shadow over her eyes.
And everyday brings us a pleasant surprise:
At Grandma's house.
We climb into the car and everyone goes
To see Santa Claus with his big old red nose,
Watch his shaking belly, hear his ho, ho, ho's:
At Grandma's House
On Christmas morning, as quiet as can be,
We hurry downstairs to the big Christmas tree
And we find all the treasures for Lil and me:
At Grandma's house.
It's so hard to describe the joy that we feel,
As we play with Grandpa we laugh, then we squeal,
And Grandma has cooked us a wonderful meal.
At Grandma's house.
When we're an old couple, on each Christmas day,
I'll hope our children will have felt this same way
And that they'll bring their babies over to play:
At Grandma's house.
—Grandpa Tucker
Some days I fight pirates, way out on the sea.
Some days I climb mountains in the big oak tree.
A guys gets to be what a guy has to be:
At Grandma's house.
My big sister, Lil, gets to bake her own pies.
She can paint that blue shadow over her eyes.
And everyday brings us a pleasant surprise:
At Grandma's house.
We climb into the car and everyone goes
To see Santa Claus with his big old red nose,
Watch his shaking belly, hear his ho, ho, ho's:
At Grandma's House
On Christmas morning, as quiet as can be,
We hurry downstairs to the big Christmas tree
And we find all the treasures for Lil and me:
At Grandma's house.
It's so hard to describe the joy that we feel,
As we play with Grandpa we laugh, then we squeal,
And Grandma has cooked us a wonderful meal.
At Grandma's house.
When we're an old couple, on each Christmas day,
I'll hope our children will have felt this same way
And that they'll bring their babies over to play:
At Grandma's house.
—Grandpa Tucker
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
santas song
Oh give me a sled
And a suit that is red,
With some reindeer that know how to fly.
We'll practice each night
Till we all get it right,
Then we'll drive that big sleigh through the sky.
UP—UP and AWAY,
With the toys for the kids in the sleigh.
And before the night's done, we will see everyone,
So they'll all have a great Christmas Day.
—Grandpa Tucker
Oh give me a sled
And a suit that is red,
With some reindeer that know how to fly.
We'll practice each night
Till we all get it right,
Then we'll drive that big sleigh through the sky.
UP—UP and AWAY,
With the toys for the kids in the sleigh.
And before the night's done, we will see everyone,
So they'll all have a great Christmas Day.
—Grandpa Tucker
All I Want For Christmas...
Everybody stops
and stares at me
These two teeth are
gone as you can see
I don't know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could be with you
"Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh)
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."
Everybody stops
and stares at me
These two teeth are
gone as you can see
I don't know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could be with you
"Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh)
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."
God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
God rest you merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day,
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray;
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
From God our heavenly Father
A blessed angel came.
And unto certain shepherds
Brought tidings of the same,
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by name:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
The shepherds at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding,
In tempest, storm, and wind,
And went to Bethlehem straightway
This blessed babe to find:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
But when to Bethlehem they came,
Whereat this infant lay
They found him in a manger,
Where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling,
Unto the Lord did pray:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All others doth deface:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
God rest you merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day,
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray;
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
From God our heavenly Father
A blessed angel came.
And unto certain shepherds
Brought tidings of the same,
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by name:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
The shepherds at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding,
In tempest, storm, and wind,
And went to Bethlehem straightway
This blessed babe to find:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
But when to Bethlehem they came,
Whereat this infant lay
They found him in a manger,
Where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling,
Unto the Lord did pray:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All others doth deface:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:-
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
flour
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Vodka ,
1 can of red bull
2 cups of dried fruit
Method:
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull & drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure
the vodka is shtill OK.
Flavour with red bull to taste.
Try another cup.... just in case turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuckin the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
screwscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity -
flavour with a little Bed Rull
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who giveshz a dam Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
Pick up the can, mop the floor, Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the
dog.
Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Ingredients:-
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
flour
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Vodka ,
1 can of red bull
2 cups of dried fruit
Method:
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull & drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure
the vodka is shtill OK.
Flavour with red bull to taste.
Try another cup.... just in case turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuckin the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
screwscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity -
flavour with a little Bed Rull
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who giveshz a dam Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
Pick up the can, mop the floor, Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the
dog.
Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Santa Claus is not coming to town(he's surfing the net)
I've just received some shocking news, via e-mail sent from the North Pole. While I'm not at liberty to identify my source, I can say his email address is that of "blitzen@npole.com."
I fear the worst. The situation being as it is, I feel it's my duty as a journalist to pass along to the children of this country whatever information has been sent to me. As a human being, though, I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. Kinda' like how most folks feel towards the Presidential candidates. The message reads as follows: Urgent! I send this in hopes someone can help! Christmas is in jeopardy!!
Santa Claus has become a recluse up here, and rumor around camp has it he's going to sit this year out. For the past two months, thousands of children have foregone their traditional requests for bikes, dolls, little puppies and Scooter Pies and instead have asked for computer modems that will allow them to "Surf the Net." Santa, confused by such a huge demand for phone utensils, took it upon himself two weeks ago to check out the Internet and see what the fuss was all about. He hasn't left his room since.
It gets worse. Production in the toy factory has come to a halt. On December 4th, The North Pole Elves Union walked out on strike. Officials here thought they were bluffing, but now the streets are full of striking elves. Santa's only response to the Union's action was to hire inferior Replacement Elves, including the Lucky Charms Leprechaun (who technically is not an elf at all), and that annoying Little Sprout who for years was the Jolly Green Giant's sidekick. Both were signed to one year contracts. (Santa's also said to be in negotiations, via an Internet chatline, with two former members of the 1986 Keebler Elves' unit who were kicked out of their tree for illegal use of a controlled substance known only as "pseudo-buttery topping.") While these Replacement Elves have infuriated the North Pole Elves Union, the situation nearly came to blows after yesterday's incident. With Santa locked in his room downloading pictures of Pamela Anderson, Lucky the Leprechaun convinced the other Replacement Elves to stop work on Barbie and Ken dolls and instead begin producing 4,000,000 action figures resembling the cast of Showgirls. (Thankfully, a truce between the Union and the Replacement Elves' was finally arrived at hours later -- with help of negotiator Jimmy Carter -- just as production was about to begin on Ishtar sock puppets.)
Worse yet, there's chaos in the reindeer stable. To start with, Rudolph was picked up by border patrol last night carrying two kilograms of "snow." (Explains that red nose, now, doesn't it?) Then, Donner and Dasher assembled the North Pole's Board of Directors this morning to complain about Santa's recent return flight from the annual Dr. Seuss memorial service somewhere in the States. Both reindeer claim they were unrespectfully assigned to fly towards the back of the sled. To add insult to injury, they say Santa didn't speak to them the entire flight. Donner had planned to discuss with Saint Nick a sure-fire way to balance Santa's budget deficit that's grown steadily since the Cabbage Patch Kids and Hello Kitty! went out of fashion in the late 1980s. The North Pole Post, our local tabloid, caught wind of the story when Santa released photos to the paper of both Donner and Dasher clearly engaging in heated discussion with him during the flight. With rumors circulating that tomorrow morning's front cover of the Post will show Donner and Dasher along with the headline, "On Donner, On Dasher, On Everyone's Nerves," the Board of Directors quickly voted to ban any copies of the paper from Santa's workshop. This accomplished, they've taken the rest of the week off and given themselves a pay raise.
The issue of the striking Elves has been ignored. What's truly sad is that throughout all of this, many of the Elves' children have been neglected by their parents. Not due to the strike, mind you, but because the elders have been watching a special Beatles Anthology television special in which an unfinished John Lennon Christmas song has apparently been found that the singer had planned on releasing before his untimely death. The surviving Beatles collaborated on the tune, changing its original title, "Oh Little Town of Liverpool," to "'Twas the Night Before We Used John's Voice Ordering Pizza Over The Phone To Make Millions."
So bad has the Elves' Neglect been towards their children, many of the younger kids have not been fed in days. And these kids are hungry, let me tell you. This morning Vixen woke up to find the name tag on her stall door replaced with a sign reading, "Venison." Things are getting nasty up here. Yet I'm afraid that's still not the end of it. Yesterday found nearly two dozen Coca Cola polar bears wandering around Santa's village begging for a caffeine fix. The Coca COla Company has apparently put them out of work, citing polar bears have been replaced by frogs and ants that pitch beer as hot marketing trends. Besides, with advances in computer animation shown in Toy Story, Polar Bears who grin and chug highly carbonated beverages just aren't on the cutting edge of technology any more.
The only person that could possibly save the situation up here is Mrs. Claus. But after a stellar 1994 in public opinion poles, Santa and his Happy Advisors have reduced her duties to reading mail. They've also changed her hairstyle to reflect a more soft-spoken, traditional wife. And when she tried to release a statement concerning her views on the O.J. Simpson verdict, Santa's press secretary intercepted the statement, altering its content to read, "Mrs. Claus expressed surprise during the O.J. trial when, just as the jury was about to read its verdict, her gingerbread cookies burst into flames while cooking in the oven."
With all these distractions and obstacles, there appears to be very little hope for Christmas as we've come to know it. I now ask you to do whatever you can to prepare the children of your country for a Santa-less Christmas. Years ago when the jolly fat guy would get in a funk around the holidays, we'd just get him to enjoy a nice glass of egg nog and watch Johnny Carson. Today, with egg nog considered a killer of overweight, older men in today's fat-infatuated society, and late night television about as entertaining as, well, Saturday Night Live, there just doesn't seem to be an answer. You know, at this late stage of the game, you'd think everyone would pull together and get things done. They always have before. But attitudes seem to have changed. Christmas isn't what it used to be. People aren't who they used to be. Alas, tonight find Prancer, Comet and the guys from accounting over in Sweden getting drunk. Prancer's already been pulled over twice for DWI -- if he does it again he'll be permanently grounded. Which is unfortunate, because he's a role model whether he wants to be or not. Just like the other reindeer, the elves, and Santa himself.
I've sent e-mail to Santa reminding him of this, but his only response has been, "Did you know slugs can mate with themselves? Says so right here on the World Wide Web." This year, that's as far as the big guy's going to get to traveling World Wide. Where's Colin Powell when you need him?
I've just received some shocking news, via e-mail sent from the North Pole. While I'm not at liberty to identify my source, I can say his email address is that of "blitzen@npole.com."
I fear the worst. The situation being as it is, I feel it's my duty as a journalist to pass along to the children of this country whatever information has been sent to me. As a human being, though, I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. Kinda' like how most folks feel towards the Presidential candidates. The message reads as follows: Urgent! I send this in hopes someone can help! Christmas is in jeopardy!!
Santa Claus has become a recluse up here, and rumor around camp has it he's going to sit this year out. For the past two months, thousands of children have foregone their traditional requests for bikes, dolls, little puppies and Scooter Pies and instead have asked for computer modems that will allow them to "Surf the Net." Santa, confused by such a huge demand for phone utensils, took it upon himself two weeks ago to check out the Internet and see what the fuss was all about. He hasn't left his room since.
It gets worse. Production in the toy factory has come to a halt. On December 4th, The North Pole Elves Union walked out on strike. Officials here thought they were bluffing, but now the streets are full of striking elves. Santa's only response to the Union's action was to hire inferior Replacement Elves, including the Lucky Charms Leprechaun (who technically is not an elf at all), and that annoying Little Sprout who for years was the Jolly Green Giant's sidekick. Both were signed to one year contracts. (Santa's also said to be in negotiations, via an Internet chatline, with two former members of the 1986 Keebler Elves' unit who were kicked out of their tree for illegal use of a controlled substance known only as "pseudo-buttery topping.") While these Replacement Elves have infuriated the North Pole Elves Union, the situation nearly came to blows after yesterday's incident. With Santa locked in his room downloading pictures of Pamela Anderson, Lucky the Leprechaun convinced the other Replacement Elves to stop work on Barbie and Ken dolls and instead begin producing 4,000,000 action figures resembling the cast of Showgirls. (Thankfully, a truce between the Union and the Replacement Elves' was finally arrived at hours later -- with help of negotiator Jimmy Carter -- just as production was about to begin on Ishtar sock puppets.)
Worse yet, there's chaos in the reindeer stable. To start with, Rudolph was picked up by border patrol last night carrying two kilograms of "snow." (Explains that red nose, now, doesn't it?) Then, Donner and Dasher assembled the North Pole's Board of Directors this morning to complain about Santa's recent return flight from the annual Dr. Seuss memorial service somewhere in the States. Both reindeer claim they were unrespectfully assigned to fly towards the back of the sled. To add insult to injury, they say Santa didn't speak to them the entire flight. Donner had planned to discuss with Saint Nick a sure-fire way to balance Santa's budget deficit that's grown steadily since the Cabbage Patch Kids and Hello Kitty! went out of fashion in the late 1980s. The North Pole Post, our local tabloid, caught wind of the story when Santa released photos to the paper of both Donner and Dasher clearly engaging in heated discussion with him during the flight. With rumors circulating that tomorrow morning's front cover of the Post will show Donner and Dasher along with the headline, "On Donner, On Dasher, On Everyone's Nerves," the Board of Directors quickly voted to ban any copies of the paper from Santa's workshop. This accomplished, they've taken the rest of the week off and given themselves a pay raise.
The issue of the striking Elves has been ignored. What's truly sad is that throughout all of this, many of the Elves' children have been neglected by their parents. Not due to the strike, mind you, but because the elders have been watching a special Beatles Anthology television special in which an unfinished John Lennon Christmas song has apparently been found that the singer had planned on releasing before his untimely death. The surviving Beatles collaborated on the tune, changing its original title, "Oh Little Town of Liverpool," to "'Twas the Night Before We Used John's Voice Ordering Pizza Over The Phone To Make Millions."
So bad has the Elves' Neglect been towards their children, many of the younger kids have not been fed in days. And these kids are hungry, let me tell you. This morning Vixen woke up to find the name tag on her stall door replaced with a sign reading, "Venison." Things are getting nasty up here. Yet I'm afraid that's still not the end of it. Yesterday found nearly two dozen Coca Cola polar bears wandering around Santa's village begging for a caffeine fix. The Coca COla Company has apparently put them out of work, citing polar bears have been replaced by frogs and ants that pitch beer as hot marketing trends. Besides, with advances in computer animation shown in Toy Story, Polar Bears who grin and chug highly carbonated beverages just aren't on the cutting edge of technology any more.
The only person that could possibly save the situation up here is Mrs. Claus. But after a stellar 1994 in public opinion poles, Santa and his Happy Advisors have reduced her duties to reading mail. They've also changed her hairstyle to reflect a more soft-spoken, traditional wife. And when she tried to release a statement concerning her views on the O.J. Simpson verdict, Santa's press secretary intercepted the statement, altering its content to read, "Mrs. Claus expressed surprise during the O.J. trial when, just as the jury was about to read its verdict, her gingerbread cookies burst into flames while cooking in the oven."
With all these distractions and obstacles, there appears to be very little hope for Christmas as we've come to know it. I now ask you to do whatever you can to prepare the children of your country for a Santa-less Christmas. Years ago when the jolly fat guy would get in a funk around the holidays, we'd just get him to enjoy a nice glass of egg nog and watch Johnny Carson. Today, with egg nog considered a killer of overweight, older men in today's fat-infatuated society, and late night television about as entertaining as, well, Saturday Night Live, there just doesn't seem to be an answer. You know, at this late stage of the game, you'd think everyone would pull together and get things done. They always have before. But attitudes seem to have changed. Christmas isn't what it used to be. People aren't who they used to be. Alas, tonight find Prancer, Comet and the guys from accounting over in Sweden getting drunk. Prancer's already been pulled over twice for DWI -- if he does it again he'll be permanently grounded. Which is unfortunate, because he's a role model whether he wants to be or not. Just like the other reindeer, the elves, and Santa himself.
I've sent e-mail to Santa reminding him of this, but his only response has been, "Did you know slugs can mate with themselves? Says so right here on the World Wide Web." This year, that's as far as the big guy's going to get to traveling World Wide. Where's Colin Powell when you need him?
Minnie(virgin)
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 16, 2001
- Posts
- 109
Thankful
I would like to thank all my friends that I have made over the past couple years. A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and A JOYFUL NEW YEAR .
Thanks to each of you for your prayers and concerns over my health the past year. Your support told the Good Lord that you wanted me here a little longer .
God bless, Minnie
I would like to thank all my friends that I have made over the past couple years. A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and A JOYFUL NEW YEAR .
Thanks to each of you for your prayers and concerns over my health the past year. Your support told the Good Lord that you wanted me here a little longer .
God bless, Minnie
Re: Thankful
Big hugssssss for sweet Minnie.......we want you around a long time. Merry Xmas!!!!!
cookie
Minnie(virgin) said:I would like to thank all my friends that I have made over the past couple years. A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and A JOYFUL NEW YEAR .
Thanks to each of you for your prayers and concerns over my health the past year. Your support told the Good Lord that you wanted me here a little longer .
God bless, Minnie
Big hugssssss for sweet Minnie.......we want you around a long time. Merry Xmas!!!!!
cookie
macadacious
What's Important
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2002
- Posts
- 1,875
It's a little off the mark, but can anybody name this Christmas movie...
"Eddie I wouldn't be any more suprised if I woke up with my head spapled to the carpet..."
"Eddie I wouldn't be any more suprised if I woke up with my head spapled to the carpet..."
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Some Christmas Limericks for you!
The reason old Santa's so jolly,
He's screwing a woman named Holly,
He's got weed in his pipe,
He eats cookies all night,
And his waistbands’ elastic, by golly.
The reason St. Nick is so Jolly:
He's screwing a cute elf named Molly.
He gets high as a kite,
And eats Molly all night,
So his jock strap's elastic, by golly.
The bright lights of Christmas were twinkling,
While old cousin Edgar was tinkling
'Neath the back of a bush,
As he froze off his tush,
And the owners had nary an inkling!
While Santa had paused for a cookie,
Seems Blitzen was calling his bookie;
While Comet and Cupid
Had drunk themselves stupid,
And Rudolph was searching for nookie!
While Santa was sipping a beer,
An elf was out humping a deer.
Mrs. Santa got drunk,
And made love to a punk,
'Cause Nick only comes once a year!
The reason old Santa's so jolly,
He's screwing a woman named Holly,
He's got weed in his pipe,
He eats cookies all night,
And his waistbands’ elastic, by golly.
The reason St. Nick is so Jolly:
He's screwing a cute elf named Molly.
He gets high as a kite,
And eats Molly all night,
So his jock strap's elastic, by golly.
The bright lights of Christmas were twinkling,
While old cousin Edgar was tinkling
'Neath the back of a bush,
As he froze off his tush,
And the owners had nary an inkling!
While Santa had paused for a cookie,
Seems Blitzen was calling his bookie;
While Comet and Cupid
Had drunk themselves stupid,
And Rudolph was searching for nookie!
While Santa was sipping a beer,
An elf was out humping a deer.
Mrs. Santa got drunk,
And made love to a punk,
'Cause Nick only comes once a year!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Night After Christmas
by Jeff Foxworthy
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I just watch TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut
belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowlful of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost,
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stoled Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
by Jeff Foxworthy
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I just watch TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut
belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowlful of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost,
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stoled Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
This is the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree:
One Christmas things weren't going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhea. Santa was totally frazzled. In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,
"Where would you like me to put the Christmas Tree?"
One Christmas things weren't going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhea. Santa was totally frazzled. In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,
"Where would you like me to put the Christmas Tree?"
