Are We Friends or Something more?

[locololo82]

Hello, this is my first post and I am not sure if I posted it in the right spot. I am in a sticky situation and could use some guidance of the knowledgeable people of LIT! So here's the story:

I am 21 years old and have not been in a relationship for a couple years. My last relationship lasted 3 years and ended up in disaster. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend. It really messed me up and have been afraid of getting hurt and it really dropped my self esteem. That will come into play later in in the story!


There is this girl that I used to work with at my old job that I quit about 6 months ago. We were friends at work but didn't hang out much outside of work because of her extremely jealous boyfriend. Once I quit we really didn't talk much until about a month ago. She was having her 20 birthday party and really was wanting me to go. Unfortunately I couldn't make it.

So, we kept talking and ended up going to the movies last weekend. I picked her up, took her out to dinner also. At first I thought it was just as friends, but then I started to think otherwise. On our way to the movies, I noticed she started acting really flirty, but thought nothing of it at the time. Once we got back to her apartment to drop her off, I didn't walk her up to her door but we sat in the car and talked for a little while. Before she got out of the car she just kind of smiled and looked me in the eyes and then gave me a tight, close hug, which she has never done, and then left.

I had texted her through out the week and she didn't answer half of them. So I thought I was just imagining all of the "clues" and figured that the night was just as friends. So Wednesday I told her that some of us from work were going bowling friday and asked her if she wanted to go. She said yes and asked if I was going to pick her up and then started using "smileys" and stuff in the text. I picked her up and we left her apartment. She said that she was really excited to meet my friends and started acting flirty again, just laughing a lot, being really talkative, looking over smiling at me when "i wasn't watching," etc. Well, some things went wrong and we ended up going out to eat with them instead. We both weren't really hungry so she asked if we wanted to share a meal. Well, we ate and everything, and ended up running into her parents there! So I met her parents and her aunt and uncle. Her parents ordered us a thing us icecream and sent it to the table lol which I thought was really nice. The whole time she was acting like she liked me and kept bumping legs and leaning over towards me. At this point I am really thinking she likes me! lol

So the friends ended up not wanting to go bowling and they ended up going out to the bars. This was at 9 p.m. and she had to work 6 saturday morning. She said that she still wanted to go bowling if I wanted to and kinda winked at me. So we go and we had to wait like a half an hour before we could start. We ended up driving around until then. This is where I got really confused. She got a text and went from being really talkative and flirty to being really quiet. My low self esteem kicked in and thought i did something wrong and asked here if somethin was wrong... she said no and just kinda laughed.... We went back to the bowling alley and waited in line, she got more talkative. While we were bowling, she went from being talkative, back to being quiet... She said stuff every now and then but still was quiet and wasn't acting the way she did earlier. The ride back to her apartment was absolute silence. I'm not sure if it was because we were both extremely tired or what but she didn't really look over at me much and she didn't touch her arm to my arm. We pulled up to her apartment and there wasn't any parking so I pulled up in front of her door and she just said "Bye" in a cute voice, smiled, and then left.

My low self esteem syndrome, lol, really kicked in now. the whole way home I was replaying the night in my mind. I didn't say anything wrong that I know of. I didn't do anyting that would "offend" her. I have no clue what happened to make her be quiet. So I just sent her a text saying "Hey! you sure everything is ok? About halfway through the night you got really quiet... well had fun once again! Have fun at work! Goodnight" and haven't heard anything back. I am not sure if she is mad or if she already went to bed before I sent the text.


My question is, what do you Girls, and guys, think about the situation? Do you think I messed up by asking her if something was wrong twice? And am I just analyzing things too much?


Sorry it is so long! I thought about how to shorten it up, but I didn't see how I could.

-D

 

[silverwhisper]

i didn't see it in your post, but is her relationship with the really jealous guy over? did you ask her pointblank, or are you assuming here? the weirdness could be a result of that.

ed

 

[locololo82]

I am pretty sure it is over. In January I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime on the weekend, and she always said that she has to drive like 2 hours away to go pick him up from his school every weekend. He stayed with her during the weekend and then she drove him back. This is the 2nd weekend in a row that we have hung out so I am pretty sure, almost positive, that they broke up. She used to have pictures of him on her phone, but they weren't on there anymore.

And I didn't make any advances, or give much clues to tell her that I think it is more than friends. I am extremely shy! lol I mean, we just teased each other and stuff, and then a couple times I caught her smiling and staring at me in the car I smiled and turned my head and looked into her eyes for a second or two, but that is it.

 

[SweetErika]

What happened to the "extremely jealous" boyfriend? Is it possible she's still involved with him in some way or is still in contact with him? Could one of the texts she got that night be from him?

You may be overanalyzing things, but you could also be picking up on some red flags. For instance, her sudden changes in behavior could indicate she's a very mercurial person, can't communicate very well, or has some unresolved issues. Maybe to the extent that she's not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with or can't have a good relationship with.

So, maybe continue to hang out as friends and observe. Ask her about herself, see what happened to the jealous bf (or if she's dating anyone else), observe her behavior, look for patterns, etc. In the meantime, work on putting your past behind you and improving your self esteem.

 

[A_Kefka]

could be she likes the idea of having you lined up as a backup guy. Which likely means you won't get what you want from a relationship and will get mixed signals depending on her mood. You will get your hopes up only to be dissappointed, or end up as a rebound (which probably doesn't mean long term). Really, you need to talk to her about it, because I could be wrong. Either she is interested or she isn't and either way doesn't realize she is sending you mixed signals, or she is stringing you along.

 

[silverwhisper]

i think erika & a kefka made some very good points, loco.

i think you owe it to yourself to ask her 2 questions, pointblank: 1) what happened with [jealous boyfriend], and 2) for how long were they involved?

until you get answers to those questions, i suggest proceeding just as a friend: i particularly think a kefka's concerns re: backup guy or rebound guy are things to bear in mind.

ed

 

[locololo82]

thanks a lot for all of your feedback! not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but the truth is the truth!

 

[Christhecat]

Ugh. I feel for ya, man.

Speaking from my own experience, don't count on anything. All that looking over at you, laughing at your jokes, bumping legs, etc., doesn't necessarily mean anything. If I had a dime for everytime a female has behaved that way toward me then told me she just wanted to be friends, I'd have a few dollars in my pocket.

The only way to be sure what she's thinking is to ask her. And even then, she might not be truthful (some of the best human beings I've ever known have straight-up lied to my face about this sort of thing). But it's better than trying to read body language.

The text could have been anything, so I don't know how much I'd worry about that though. She could have gotten bad news about a sick relative or other family drama. It doesn't mean it was about you (although I understand why you'd worry about it -- so would I).

For fuck's sake, let her know where you stand right now though. Don't give her the chance to put you in the "friend" category (if she hasn't done so already). You've been out, you've established that you have a good time together, now let her know what direction you'd like this relationship to take. Hopefully, you'll be on the same page.

 

[SweetErika]

thanks a lot for all of your feedback! not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but the truth is the truth!

That's right! And, really, it's better to proceed with your eyes wide open, gathering as much info as you can and watching for red flags, than put yourself in a situation that makes you the target of a psycho (ex) boyfriend, brings a lot of turmoil into your life or leaves you questioning where you might have gone wrong (like THIS guy) long after the relationship has ended.

It may feel like this girl is your only good prospect for romance, but you're young and you seem like a nice guy who will have plenty of opportunities in the future if this one doesn't work out for you. Keep trying to meet people who share your passions, working on yourself and being patient, and the right people to share sex and love with will come along.

 

[Cobalt_Reign]

Some advice to you, that may or may not be helpful. It's a few things I've learned over the few years I've been dating.

First and foremost, you're going to get hurt. You need to learn how to limit how much you let yourself be hurt. Every girl that you don't ask so that she doesn't hurt you is a girl that could have said 'yes'. Don't disrespect them, don't distance yourself too much, but just be ready for it. Don't put your heart on the line too much.

As far as the distancing..

Option 1, it could have been the jealous boyfriend that ruined her mood. Maybe they had just broken up and she was finally getting to be out and about, and then he said he wanted to get back with her. She knew she'd end up doing it, so she shut down emotionally.

Option 2, you met her parents. Maybe they didn't like you or didn't approve of her dating. They sent her a message shooting her down, and rather than get her hopes up and yours, she shut down.

There's other stuff that could be it, but I wouldn't worry about it. Did you never hear back from her, or did you never contact her?

If you just never got anything from her, she may be waiting to hear from you. Send her a message, see if she wants to hang out, and if she says no don't let it bother you and move on.

Living your life in constant fear is hardly a life at all. That's from experience.

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

my best guess would be something in the text message killed her good mood. could be anything though, the jealous bs/ex guy, someone asking her to come into work early tomorrow, whatever.

the other possibility is that she was experiencing some low self esteem syndrome herself. from your description she was flirting pretty hard and you said you spent the night acting like you were nothing more than friends. it's possible she was sending out the date vibe and got upset when all she got back was the friend signal.

i think everyone here's given some great advice. step one is be clear on what's going on with the jealous guy. if they're still dating or doing that weird talking/on a break thing i wouldn't try to get involved with this girl. you're in for a world of headache if you do. step two would be go out with her a couple more times. if you like her, flirt back. then if you're comfortable ask her what she thinks of the situation. you can always hide that part in a joke. "we would make a cute couple, blah, blah, blah"

i wouldn't get too worked up over the situation. just try to step back, take a breath, and relax. you'll be able to read what's going on a lot better. and follow your gut! if you think the girl wants you to hold her hand, she probably does, and so on.