ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[samirah]

This thread is hillarious. Thanks to everyone for making me realise that these asshat types on collarme and elsewhere are not just a simple annoyance, but a source of amusement.

I've had a few weird ones over the years, and mostly I just delete or ignore them, so I haven't kept too many to share. This is one I received a few days ago on collarme:

"Are you a slut though?"

That was first contact!

I actually replied to that one (not sure why though) with "No", but reading through this thread makes me wish I had come up with something more creative. I think I'll have some fun with the next asshat who comes along!

 

[samirah]

Oh, I'd almost forgotten there was one I kept for posterity. I got this one on myspace a couple of years ago. Appologies for the caps, that's the way it was sent.

"HELLO-DEAR,
COMPLIMENT OF A NICE DAY TO YOU...MY NAME IS ***** ****, I AM A NIGERIAN.
CHOCULATE IN COMPLETION,SIX FIT.AND BROWN EYES.
AND AM IN SEARCH OF SOMEONE TO LOVE AND TAKE SERIOUSLY.....
SO IS THEN I CAME TO SEE YOUR PROFILE,AND WHAT I SAW IN YOUR PROFILE BE CAME SO INTRESTING ENCOUNTER TO ME....SO BABY..,MISS,LADY.
NO MATTER I SOUND,IT DOSE NOT REALLY MATTER.
COS YOU ARE LOVELY, LIKE THE TENTS OF SOLOMON..
DO NOT LOOK UPON ME, BECAUSE AM DARK,OR BECAUSE THE SUN HAS TANNED ME........
O YOU ARE FAIREST AMONG WOMEN, AND YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DOVES BEHIND YOUR VEIL......
YOUR HAIRS ARE LIKE FLOCKS OF GOATS, COMING DOWN FROM MOUNTAIN GILEAD..... YOUR TEETHS ARE LIKE A FLOCK OF SHORN SHEEP WHICH JUST CAME OUT FROM THE WASHING PLACE..... YOUR LIPS ARE LIKE STRAND SCARLET,AND YOUR MOUTH IS LOVELY.
YOUR NECK IS LIKE THE TOWER OF DAVID, BUILT FOR AMORYS...... O BABE YOU ARE SO SWEET... INCASE YOU WILL LIKE TO CHAT WITH ME, ON YAHOO MESSENGER THIS IS MY ..ID... *****_********......
AND WHEN YOU REPLY DONT FORGET TO SEND ME YOUR ..ID..
THANKS AND REGARDS.......
LOVELYEST AMONG WOMEN....."

What a sweet-talker hey?

 

[satindesire]

Oh, I'd almost forgotten there was one I kept for posterity. I got this one on myspace a couple of years ago. Appologies for the caps, that's the way it was sent.

"HELLO-DEAR,
COMPLIMENT OF A NICE DAY TO YOU...MY NAME IS ***** ****, I AM A NIGERIAN.
CHOCULATE IN COMPLETION,SIX FIT.AND BROWN EYES.
AND AM IN SEARCH OF SOMEONE TO LOVE AND TAKE SERIOUSLY.....
SO IS THEN I CAME TO SEE YOUR PROFILE,AND WHAT I SAW IN YOUR PROFILE BE CAME SO INTRESTING ENCOUNTER TO ME....SO BABY..,MISS,LADY.
NO MATTER I SOUND,IT DOSE NOT REALLY MATTER.
COS YOU ARE LOVELY, LIKE THE TENTS OF SOLOMON..
DO NOT LOOK UPON ME, BECAUSE AM DARK,OR BECAUSE THE SUN HAS TANNED ME........
O YOU ARE FAIREST AMONG WOMEN, AND YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DOVES BEHIND YOUR VEIL......
YOUR HAIRS ARE LIKE FLOCKS OF GOATS, COMING DOWN FROM MOUNTAIN GILEAD..... YOUR TEETHS ARE LIKE A FLOCK OF SHORN SHEEP WHICH JUST CAME OUT FROM THE WASHING PLACE..... YOUR LIPS ARE LIKE STRAND SCARLET,AND YOUR MOUTH IS LOVELY.
YOUR NECK IS LIKE THE TOWER OF DAVID, BUILT FOR AMORYS...... O BABE YOU ARE SO SWEET... INCASE YOU WILL LIKE TO CHAT WITH ME, ON YAHOO MESSENGER THIS IS MY ..ID... *****_********......
AND WHEN YOU REPLY DONT FORGET TO SEND ME YOUR ..ID..
THANKS AND REGARDS.......
LOVELYEST AMONG WOMEN....."

What a sweet-talker hey?

Woulda been better if he hadn't quoted the bible.

 

[Etoile]

Anytime there is a reference to Nigeria or "West Africa" it is a financial scam. Literally, every time. Don't even bother replying if they are mentioned!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Woulda been better if he hadn't misquoted the bible.

There. I fixed that for the pregnant lady.

 

[satindesire]

There. I fixed that for the pregnant lady.

hahaha, thanks.

 

[slavekaity]

Hi, I'm new here, but I got a PM tonight telling me about some
couple that gave their 18-year-old daughter to another couple
to be a sex slave and how the parents really got off on watching
their daughter suck.

I'm not a prude or anything -- see my first two posts -- but this
disturbed me.

 

[minx1]

Oh, I'd almost forgotten there was one I kept for posterity. I got this one on myspace a couple of years ago. Appologies for the caps, that's the way it was sent.

"HELLO-DEAR,
COMPLIMENT OF A NICE DAY TO YOU...MY NAME IS ***** ****, I AM A NIGERIAN.
CHOCULATE IN COMPLETION,SIX FIT.AND BROWN EYES.
AND AM IN SEARCH OF SOMEONE TO LOVE AND TAKE SERIOUSLY.....
SO IS THEN I CAME TO SEE YOUR PROFILE,AND WHAT I SAW IN YOUR PROFILE BE CAME SO INTRESTING ENCOUNTER TO ME....SO BABY..,MISS,LADY.
NO MATTER I SOUND,IT DOSE NOT REALLY MATTER.
COS YOU ARE LOVELY, LIKE THE TENTS OF SOLOMON..
DO NOT LOOK UPON ME, BECAUSE AM DARK,OR BECAUSE THE SUN HAS TANNED ME........
O YOU ARE FAIREST AMONG WOMEN, AND YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DOVES BEHIND YOUR VEIL......
YOUR HAIRS ARE LIKE FLOCKS OF GOATS, COMING DOWN FROM MOUNTAIN GILEAD..... YOUR TEETHS ARE LIKE A FLOCK OF SHORN SHEEP WHICH JUST CAME OUT FROM THE WASHING PLACE..... YOUR LIPS ARE LIKE STRAND SCARLET,AND YOUR MOUTH IS LOVELY.
YOUR NECK IS LIKE THE TOWER OF DAVID, BUILT FOR AMORYS...... O BABE YOU ARE SO SWEET... INCASE YOU WILL LIKE TO CHAT WITH ME, ON YAHOO MESSENGER THIS IS MY ..ID... *****_********......
AND WHEN YOU REPLY DONT FORGET TO SEND ME YOUR ..ID..
THANKS AND REGARDS.......
LOVELYEST AMONG WOMEN....."

What a sweet-talker hey?

Sure is sheep teeth

lmao. I needed this. Thankyou!

 

[satindesire]

Sure is sheep teeth

lmao. I needed this. Thankyou!

Ooo. "Baa-a-a-aaa"d joke.

 

[Betticus]

I loved that...

Your hair is comparable to that of a freshly washed mountain goat, doves truly have inhabited your eye sockets 'neath your veil of yak breath. Upon your face resides the loveliest crimson slash of a mouth revealing teeth that a sheep, freshly shaven doth remind me of. I am a six foot tall chocolate, kissed by the sun and have many goats and sheep which I could compare your beauty to. I want to get my chocolate in your peanut butter.

P.S. When you reply tell me who you are and where I messaged you because my poorly written form letter is used many, many times and I cannot be bothered to keep track.

 

[be_ignited]

ooh! I just got a good one (and unique!) on collarme.

My Master took me to get my nose pierced several months ago and I have a picture of the stud up.

I got this from a female submissive:

Your nose? Ouch. I feel sorry for you that your owner is abusing you this way. A servant is a precious treasure, one that is protected, not harmed. Your body has been marred. I am sorry this happened to you.

I wrote back to assure them I was quite happy with the extra hole in my head only to find out they'd blocked me.

 

[RawHumor]

I wrote back to assure them I was quite happy with the extra hole in my head only to find out they'd blocked me.

LOL

She was so offended by your abuse that she blocked you out of her life.

 

[satindesire]

ooh! I just got a good one (and unique!) on collarme.

My Master took me to get my nose pierced several months ago and I have a picture of the stud up.

I got this from a female submissive:



I wrote back to assure them I was quite happy with the extra hole in my head only to find out they'd blocked me.

I guess she doesn't have her ears pierced like the other 99% of the female population of the west.

 

[MisterSir]

Ooo. "Baa-a-a-aaa"d joke.

That joke was so bad George Carlin is working to claw his way out of the ground and come after you for it.

I mean, I laughed, but that just means we're both at fault.

 

[minx1]

Ooo. "Baa-a-a-aaa"d joke.

I knew ewe wud say that. No need to ram it home

 

[MisterSir]

I take it back.

I knew ewe wud say that. No need to ram it home

Zombie Carlin's coming after you.

 

[BiBunny]

call me ur lord am your master

My reply:

Sure you are, dear. *Pats your head*

Somehow, I think my actual Master would be amused by your delusions.

 

[satindesire]

That joke was so bad George Carlin is working to claw his way out of the ground and come after you for it.

I mean, I laughed, but that just means we're both at fault.

I knew ewe wud say that. No need to ram it home

I take it back.



Zombie Carlin's coming after you.

*dying laughing* Oh, come ON! I was BRILLIANT!! Minx thought so, didn't ewe, my little lamb? I mean, you? *snerk, snerk*

 

[WriterDom]

I haven't had one in a while.

 

[Harmony_1985]

saw you on one of the threads my wife is letting me chat with other women she likes to share,she makes me dress up in her dresses or skirts and then wear her panties or pantyhose then she leans me over either our bed or a chair and pulls down the panties or pantyhose and fucks my ass with her strap-on she does this when ever she wants to even if her girlfriends are here and sometimes she lets them fuck me as long as she gets to watch and sometimes she joins in and while her girlfriends are fucking me my wife is sucking on my 9in cock----pm me back and lets have some fun----randy

9 inch cock? Someone is exaggerating the truth!!

 

[graceanne]

9 inch cock? Someone is exaggerating the truth!!

Don't you know? They all have nine inch cocks. It's one of the many ways for them to qualify for this thread.

 

[be_ignited]

9 inch cock? Someone is exaggerating the truth!!

That's in internet inches. There's a rather lengthy conversion formula, as I understand it. I believe it comes out to about 4.473 real life inches.

 

[DVS]

9 inch cock? Someone is exaggerating the truth!!

I'm sure the rest of the story is all true, though.

The true story? He's 14, and reading WAY TOO MANY of those Penthouse stories while pumping his skinny little 5 inch wiener. He probably stole his sister's panties and stuffed in his mouth while typing that, imagining his "Mistress" was forcing him as a punishment. Paleeeezzzz!

 

[WriterDom]

That's in internet inches. There's a rather lengthy conversion formula, as I understand it. I believe it comes out to about 4.473 real life inches.

Wow. That means I'm fucking HUGE.

 

[be_ignited]

Wow. That means I'm fucking HUGE.

In internet inches?