ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[MisterSir]

You mean his invisible girlfriend? *snicker*

Be fair, now. If he had an invisible hand, surely the rest of him would be invisible now and he'd be too busy stalking women on the streets to bother with us.

And we have closure!

bitches on here never respond to us nice guys...

He's a troll!

 

[be_ignited]

You mean his invisible girlfriend? *snicker*

Or the one who lives in Canada

 

[Harmony_1985]

You mean his invisible girlfriend? *snicker*

Nono, he's got one of those life size barbie dolls instead.

 

[sinnocence]

Probably a blow up sex doll.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Are we sure its even a girl?

Or even human??

Blow up sheep are readily available in sex shops...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You mean his inflatable girlfriend? *snicker*

Fixed that for ya.

 

[satindesire]

*cracking up at the posts above her*

 

[RawHumor]

We've had some real winners in the BDSM Personals lately.

Not to be ageist, but they all seem to be in the 18-20 range.

 

[unregistered]

 

[00Syd]

I just received this "little" gold nugget.

I am pretty big on rules and protocol here are some of what to expect from me. You will always refer to my me as sir for now, when the time comes master. In public or when were around non-vanilla friends my name is ok. When talking to others in the lifestyle and referring to me, You refer to me as 'My Master' or 'My Owner' and always to refer to yourself as 'Slave', 'Pet', 'Submissive', or my 'Property'. You must wear your collar at all times, even in public. A collar suitable for work and public will be provided for you by me when deemed necessary. When we are home you will wear a short leash attached to the collar at all times, and at the discretion of me, you might also be kept at the end of a chain lead. Upon arriving home you are to immediately to kneel offer yourself, then I'll place on cuffs and leash, you may be restrained, caged, or leashed at any time and in any place at the discretion of me. You will trust my judgement and shall not question me in these matters. It is also your place to gratefully accept any and all types of; clothing, lingerie, restraints, chains, cuffs, cages, harnesses, blindfolds, gags, muzzles, vibrators, dildoes, plugs, bindings, or chastity devices that I choose to use on you or place about you. If you are not ready for bed by the time I get into bed to sleep then you shall automatically spend the night wearing a leash sleeping on a pad or rug beside the bed. I may also, at my discretion and at any time, choose for you to sleep in any other situation that I desire. You are not allowed to sit on the furniture , when I am in the room your place is to kneel just in front of, or to the side of my feet unless you are given permission to sit on the furniture or I invite you to join me. Also when I am in the bed your not allowed in until you kneel by it and ask permission or I give it. When visiting friends or having friends over who know of our situation, the same rules will still apply. You may purchase your own clothes, but must return anything I do not like or think should be kept. You may only wear lingerie that I like and then only with my permission, you are not allowed to eat until my plate and drink are made. You wait until I have tasted it and its to my liking then you may eat, you will keep the home clean and well-kept. You will be given a schedule to follow with different chores on different days of the week - This schedule will be made to allow you the best use of your time so that you may finish faster and not have too much to do in any one day and will be periodically adjusted to allow for your work or vanilla plans. Falling behind without good reason (such as illness) is justification for punishment. I will make this schedule to help avoid things "piling up" on you. Your schedule, outside of work , must be approved of and/or will be determined by me, this will include; chores, shopping, going out, phone time, online time, private time, bathing time, exercise time, dinner time, and any other times or schedules that I deem appropriate. You must ask for permission to orgasm. You can masturbate when I am away, but must tell me about it when we talk. When I am away you are only allowed 2 orgasms per week and must report on each time. You are required to maintain my property (yourself) in top condition at all times and must adhere to the following- a) You must shower or bathe at least once daily. b) You must keep yourself clean shaven at all times or the shaving I desire. c) Finger and toenails must be properly cared for and manicured. d) You are expected to spend a minimum of at least a half-hour each day working out or exercising in some form. You must keep a brief daily log of your days activities, and you must also report to me each night on the number of cigarettes you smoked during the day and shall present myself for punishment for each one beyond the set limit I allow you to smoke , You will answer any questions asked of you by me immediately, thoroughly, and clearly. You must understand that holding back any information from me is considered lying. You will never to keep secrets from my me. Furthermore, you will NEVER respond by saying "oh, nothing" or use other such vague answers when I ask what you are thinking or feeling, and if something is bothering you, you are to talk to me about it, you are NEVER to keep it held within no matter how much you may feel you want to. You will not serve another Dominant in any way they are to be treated with a little respect, but if they ask for your service or help in any way you are to politely inform them that they must ask me. You shall accept and display the marks and ornaments that I choose to place on you, including permanent ones. As I feel you are ready sometime in the future deemed appropriate by me when schedules of work and time allow, you will accept a period of intense training aimed toward the goal of breaking you of your remaining inhibitions and undesirable habits, then retraining you to more fully accept your place as my property and learn to serve me better. This time period of this training will be determined by me and may be lengthened or shortened depending upon your progress within a pre-set minimum and maximum time-frame. During this time you will be continually restrained and controlled, you will be kept isolated from outside influences, you will be trained by me as I see fit and will be taught to respond to any and all commands instantly and unquestioningly - I may use any means I see fit to train you to my satisfaction. You will accept that you will not be able to stop or cancel this training until I deem it is complete, or the maximum time limit has been reached no matter how much you may wish to and further acknowledge now that any pleas on your part to end the training or be released will be ignored until the maximum time limit is reached or until I have determined that you are trained to my satisfaction. Finally, you will have acknowledged the following; a) I don't WANT to make decisions. b) You want to give me full and total control over yourself and you will trust me to make the right decisions for you/us, and, as best you can, will never second guess those decisions... A Master is someone whom you trust totally, and part of that for yourself is giving up ALL control. In return I promise to take care of you as my property and to teach and train you to learn to be a better slave and pet, never to abuse you but to help you learn to expand your own limits as a submissive and slave and be a better girl for me!

I was cracking up at the first two sentences. Anyone have the strength to make it through the whole thing?

Some people....

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I just received this "little" gold nugget.




I was cracking up at the first two sentences. Anyone have the strength to make it through the whole thing?

Some people....

Umm, NO. But from the fact that you apparently *did* read through the whole thing, I can diagnose that you have a severe case of masochism.

I did note in the first three or four sentences that at least the writer is literate. That's always a plus.

 

[ZRT]

I just received this "little" gold nugget.




I was cracking up at the first two sentences. Anyone have the strength to make it through the whole thing?

Some people....

...jesus. Fucking paragraphs, man. I mean, I can get long-winded when I'm being all domly and shit, but at least I strive to make it readable.

 

[00Syd]

Umm, NO. But from the fact that you apparently *did* read through the whole thing, I can diagnose that you have a severe case of masochism.

I did note in the first three or four sentences that at least the writer is literate. That's always a plus.

Haha, no, I didn't read the whole thing. I read the first two sentences and then looked at how long it was and laughed. Oh, I also read the last sentence, 'cause, y'know, that makes it so you sort of read the whole thing

Unfortunately, literacy does not make up for asshatery.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Okay, I am so bored today that I read the whole thing.

This part was particularly amusing:

Furthermore, you will NEVER respond by saying "oh, nothing" or use other such vague answers when I ask what you are thinking or feeling, .

There's dom. And then there's Hysterical Control Freak with WAYYYY too much spare time.

Do you mind my asking if this was an unsolicited, introductory message? Cause, like, wow man. Nothing like laying out the whole menu first thing...

 

[rosco rathbone]

Okay, I am so bored today that I read the whole thing.

This part was particularly amusing:



There's dom. And then there's Hysterical Control Freak with WAYYYY too much spare time.

Do you mind my asking if this was an unsolicited, introductory message? Cause, like, wow man. Nothing like laying out the whole menu first thing...

I dunno about that. I get bent out of shape with that kind of talk too.

 

[ZRT]

I dunno about that. I get bent out of shape with that kind of talk too.

It depends on the context. If it's totally casual discussion, I don't care. If it's seemingly tied to an evasion in a serious conversation, yeah, I'm gonna probably get annoyed at the very least.

 

[MisterSir]

Give me a second to gird my loins. If I don't make it back, assume I was crushed under a wall of text and avenge my death.

 

[MisterSir]

Broken up into paragraphs for your reading enjoyment:

I am pretty big on rules and protocol here are some of what to expect from me.

You will always refer to my me as sir for now, when the time comes master. In public or when were around non-vanilla friends my name is ok. When talking to others in the lifestyle and referring to me, You refer to me as 'My Master' or 'My Owner' and always to refer to yourself as 'Slave', 'Pet', 'Submissive', or my 'Property'.

You must wear your collar at all times, even in public. A collar suitable for work and public will be provided for you by me when deemed necessary. When we are home you will wear a short leash attached to the collar at all times, and at the discretion of me, you might also be kept at the end of a chain lead. Upon arriving home you are to immediately to kneel offer yourself, then I'll place on cuffs and leash, you may be restrained, caged, or leashed at any time and in any place at the discretion of me.

You will trust my judgement and shall not question me in these matters. It is also your place to gratefully accept any and all types of; clothing, lingerie, restraints, chains, cuffs, cages, harnesses, blindfolds, gags, muzzles, vibrators, dildoes, plugs, bindings, or chastity devices that I choose to use on you or place about you. If you are not ready for bed by the time I get into bed to sleep then you shall automatically spend the night wearing a leash sleeping on a pad or rug beside the bed. I may also, at my discretion and at any time, choose for you to sleep in any other situation that I desire.

You are not allowed to sit on the furniture , when I am in the room your place is to kneel just in front of, or to the side of my feet unless you are given permission to sit on the furniture or I invite you to join me. Also when I am in the bed your not allowed in until you kneel by it and ask permission or I give it. When visiting friends or having friends over who know of our situation, the same rules will still apply.

You may purchase your own clothes, but must return anything I do not like or think should be kept. You may only wear lingerie that I like and then only with my permission, you are not allowed to eat until my plate and drink are made. You wait until I have tasted it and its to my liking then you may eat, you will keep the home clean and well-kept.

You will be given a schedule to follow with different chores on different days of the week - This schedule will be made to allow you the best use of your time so that you may finish faster and not have too much to do in any one day and will be periodically adjusted to allow for your work or vanilla plans. Falling behind without good reason (such as illness) is justification for punishment. I will make this schedule to help avoid things "piling up" on you. Your schedule, outside of work , must be approved of and/or will be determined by me, this will include; chores, shopping, going out, phone time, online time, private time, bathing time, exercise time, dinner time, and any other times or schedules that I deem appropriate.

You must ask for permission to orgasm. You can masturbate when I am away, but must tell me about it when we talk. When I am away you are only allowed 2 orgasms per week and must report on each time. You are required to maintain my property (yourself) in top condition at all times and must adhere to the following- a) You must shower or bathe at least once daily. b) You must keep yourself clean shaven at all times or the shaving I desire. c) Finger and toenails must be properly cared for and manicured. d) You are expected to spend a minimum of at least a half-hour each day working out or exercising in some form.

You must keep a brief daily log of your days activities, and you must also report to me each night on the number of cigarettes you smoked during the day and shall present myself for punishment for each one beyond the set limit I allow you to smoke , You will answer any questions asked of you by me immediately, thoroughly, and clearly. You must understand that holding back any information from me is considered lying. You will never to keep secrets from my me.

Furthermore, you will NEVER respond by saying "oh, nothing" or use other such vague answers when I ask what you are thinking or feeling, and if something is bothering you, you are to talk to me about it, you are NEVER to keep it held within no matter how much you may feel you want to.

You will not serve another Dominant in any way they are to be treated with a little respect, but if they ask for your service or help in any way you are to politely inform them that they must ask me. You shall accept and display the marks and ornaments that I choose to place on you, including permanent ones.

As I feel you are ready sometime in the future deemed appropriate by me when schedules of work and time allow, you will accept a period of intense training aimed toward the goal of breaking you of your remaining inhibitions and undesirable habits, then retraining you to more fully accept your place as my property and learn to serve me better. This time period of this training will be determined by me and may be lengthened or shortened depending upon your progress within a pre-set minimum and maximum time-frame.

During this time you will be continually restrained and controlled, you will be kept isolated from outside influences, you will be trained by me as I see fit and will be taught to respond to any and all commands instantly and unquestioningly - I may use any means I see fit to train you to my satisfaction. You will accept that you will not be able to stop or cancel this training until I deem it is complete, or the maximum time limit has been reached no matter how much you may wish to and further acknowledge now that any pleas on your part to end the training or be released will be ignored until the maximum time limit is reached or until I have determined that you are trained to my satisfaction.

Finally, you will have acknowledged the following; a) I don't WANT to make decisions. b) You want to give me full and total control over yourself and you will trust me to make the right decisions for you/us, and, as best you can, will never second guess those decisions... A Master is someone whom you trust totally, and part of that for yourself is giving up ALL control. In return I promise to take care of you as my property and to teach and train you to learn to be a better slave and pet, never to abuse you but to help you learn to expand your own limits as a submissive and slave and be a better girl for me!

...he's certainly thorough. I'll give him that.

 

[Harmony_1985]

I just received this "little" gold nugget.




I was cracking up at the first two sentences. Anyone have the strength to make it through the whole thing?

Some people....

The lack of paragraphs is making my OCD go KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER, KILL HIM NOW.

I can't read it, its sending my brain ape shit

 

[graceanne]

I didn't make it past sentence two. Cause I was getting a headache.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I dunno about that. I get bent out of shape with that kind of talk too.

oh, don't get me wrong. That drives me batshit too.

- 'How are you feeling? How was your day?'

- 'Oh, it was alright...'

Jesus, I could scream.

I'm just saying. If you're getting that detailed right off the bat, you're either seriously cynical, hooking up with really boring people, or way too much of a control freak.

 

[ZRT]

or way too much of a control freak.

That.

I mean, I like controlling my partners. Goes with the territory. But christ, I work for a damn living and I like to do other things besides smack up my bitches.

 

[00Syd]

Okay, I am so bored today that I read the whole thing.

This part was particularly amusing:



There's dom. And then there's Hysterical Control Freak with WAYYYY too much spare time.

Do you mind my asking if this was an unsolicited, introductory message? Cause, like, wow man. Nothing like laying out the whole menu first thing...

Mmmmyep, unsolicited, introductory message.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Mmmmyep, unsolicited, introductory message.

*amazed*

amazing.

*amazed some more*

 

[graceanne]

Mmmmyep, unsolicited, introductory message.

Wow. That's a LOT of effort to put into an introductory message. I mean, SERIOUSLY! Especially when the person you're talking to hasn't even agreed to follow your dictates.