ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[Etoile]

Wait, so using MSN means he isn't going to give you a chat up line? He's just going to jump into conversation like you're old friends?

 

[Windflower]

Yeah. Because well,you KNOW strange guys on MSN never use lines and gimmics.

At least the interesting men here on the BDSM forums at least show some decency and pee on my av rather than introduce themselves through insults to my intelligence via cheap tricks.

Wait, so using MSN means he isn't going to give you a chat up line? He's just going to jump into conversation like you're old friends?

 

[WriterDom]

Yeah. Because well,you KNOW strange guys on MSN never use lines and gimmics.

At least the interesting men here on the BDSM forums at least show some decency and pee on my av rather than introduce themselves through insults to my intelligence via cheap tricks.

I didn't really pee on your av. That reminds me. I have some bulbs I need to plant somewhere.

 

[Windflower]

My mistake. You posted that you want to pee on my flower. I have no proof that you did pee on my av.

I have bulbs (daffadils I'm guessing) out in the shed here that I was supposed to plant sometime during this past October. It rained and it was too wet, and then it was too cold. Then I was too busy with Halloween decorations, and then Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. Now the ground is too frozen anyway, and is covered with another 4 inches of freshly fallen snow.
January is usually a slow and uneventful month. If I could manage to plant them now, I wonder if they will bloom next spring?

I didn't really pee on your av. That reminds me. I have some bulbs I need to plant somewhere.

 

[WriterDom]

I think mine will because they are sprouting already. But my red clay rarely ever freezes. Daffodils bloom here in late February

 

[Etoile]

I think mine will because they are sprouting already. But my red clay rarely ever freezes. Daffodils bloom here in late February

Here too. Virginia red clay, and daffodils bloom in late February. I guess we are in the same frost zone or whatever they call it?

 

[Windflower]

I'm in one of the zones where regardless of soil conditions, what doesn't freeze it's arse off, burns to a crisp eventually.

 

[satindesire]

(deleted)

 

[Harmony_1985]

I got a PM asking for sex from some guy called Breaker_Morant.

I mean, what sort of a name is that?? And really, hitting on young women over the internet? Does he have no morals???

 

[Etoile]

So I wrote up a default copy/paste response to send to all the pervs who won't take the time to read my profile.

I've sent it out twice in the last two days.

For some reason, I get a lot of incest cyber requests, so this is geared towards that one. Oh, and I was really pissed at the time, so this is far more hateful and mean than pretty much anything I've ever written in my entire life. If you are weak of heart or stomach...uhh...you shouldn't read it.[/I]

You know, I bet you're going to get at least one guy who finds that story a turn-on. *sigh*

 

[satindesire]

(deleted)

 

[Etoile]

Getting assraped by a hell demon after being decapitated by a ninja?

If that's hot to him, he's got bigger problems than me.

Yeah, but you KNOW he's out there.

 

[sadangel]

So I wrote up a default copy/paste response to send to all the pervs who won't take the time to read my profile.

I've sent it out twice in the last two days.

For some reason, I get a lot of incest cyber requests, so this is geared towards that one. Oh, and I was really pissed at the time, so this is far more hateful and mean than pretty much anything I've ever written in my entire life. If you are weak of heart or stomach...uhh...you shouldn't read it.

**********

Oh, fuck yeah. Let's have hot family sex baby. Okay, I'll start.

First, I'm seven years old. I'm your daughter. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also have had severe night terrors my entire life, where I would later describe my father coming in to rape my underdeveloped seven year old body to my therapist in such terrible detail that she breaks down into anguished tears.

Mommy is an alcoholic and pill popper who has sex with strange men for money. You're unemployed due to the severe case of syphilis that mommy gave you that fried half your brain cells with an intense 103 degree fever for six days straight. You've recently come out of a coma where you were in the hospital on a feeding tube and catheter.

Even though you're impotent now, due to mommy's increasing skankiness and the multitude of sexually transmitted infections that have ruined your stubby little half-stalk of a cock, you've bought a few vigaras from a street pusher on the corner of 12th street so that you could rape your poor undeserving daughter in the bum.

So it's late, mommy is out 'working' after you two got into another fight about who smoked the last of the meth, and so you wash down your V's with a little bit of cheap box wine and wander into your daughter's bedroom. She's sitting on the floor in her furniture-less room, in a tattered nightgown, playing with a barbie doll that has no head. I guess buying drugs is more important than outfitting your little girl with the basic necessities that she needs to live.

She looks up at you with trusting eyes, knowing that her daddy would never hurt her, and you unzip your cheap discount jeans (stained and smelly with weeks of vomit, piss and dog shit) and pull out the two-inch-long half-flaccid stump that you call a dick.

But suddenly, out of nowhere, a ninja crashes through the window wielding a glittering katana! You cry out in fear and terror, knowing that your doom is at hand. Oh, if only you had taken care of your family and not had sickening thoughts of raping your innocent little girl!

You fall to your knees in supplication, your tiny weenier shrinking up inside your own body cavity in sheer, unadulterated terror, and plead with the masked man to spare your life. You babble incoherent promises that you'll seek a divorce, you'll give your daughter up for adoption so a proper and loving family can take good care of her, but is is...unfortunately, to no avail.

The ninja slashes down with his blade and all you see is blackness.

You wake to incredible pain...and the horrible, gut-wrenching stench of Hell, where your skinless body is hanging from glowing hot shackles that are holding your flayed body against the rough stone of pumice rock walls. You hear all sorts of terrible cries and lamentations, but your bleary eyes are too blurred from dust and dried blood that you can barely make out the leering face of a huge green-skinned demon whose enormous erect cock swings between his naked thighs. "Get ready son...now I'm gonna show you what it's like to get raped in the ass!"

He squats between your splayed legs, thrusting the head of his flesh-meltingly hot penis between your ass cheeks and up into the protesting walls of your colon, and you have a sudden regretful flashback to all the times you raped your innocent little daughter. You begin to weep uncontrollably as his flesh tears yours, the hot rush of blood and the sound of ripping flesh are all you know before you black out.


so, if you got this far, the simple answer is FUCK NO I DON'T!

However, as you are clearly to lack-witted to read the disclaimer and warning in my profile that clearly states...

"DO NOT CONTACT ME VIA PM FOR CYBER! I am not interested in knowing about you wanking your pathetic little dick while looking at my pictures, either. If you message me, prepare to get a scathing PM back that will rip your fragile little ego to shreds, and then promptly ignored. You were warned. I do not cyber...I am taken!"

Then I surely hope you enjoy reading my little story, and hope you learn your lesson from PMing a dozen random women for cheap, meaningless cyber.

Fuck you, you sick twisted asshole.

Oh, and welcome to my ignore list.

I bet they don't try again!!

 

[satindesire]

(deleted)

 

[sadangel]

If I thought that, seriously, I'd give up on the entire human race as a whole and promptly swallow my arsenic tooth implant.



the whole point of letting them know that I'm putting them on my ignore list is so they don't, and if they do, I don't see it.

True that, but unless they really like scathing pm's, they may be tempted to try again under a new nic. Anyway. Good reply to them.

 

[satindesire]

(deleted)

 

[Harmony_1985]

Asshat: like getting fucked on the mic on messenger?

Me: Did the education system really fail you THAT badly?

Go read my sig, then please go away

Asshat: Sorry your right!!


.... So you didn't look at the sig before PMing me? So how did you know about me other than randomly clicking a name in the member list?

Are they getting stupider?

 

[infinity706]

I never get the good ones.

Maybe I should present myself as bisexual and single. That might help.

I don't know why you wouldn't get any. Being a lesbian just means that he'll be your first guy.

I get dirty PM all the time, and I even got them back when my signature actually said that I was a guy. Maybe they're just scared you and your girlfriend will take turns using your giant dildo on them.

Of course, a couple years ago, on another site, the admin was playing a joke on me and he changed my avatar to the female symbol and gave me a bright pink title that read "100% woman." I had to get it changed back after a week or so, though, because my PM box filled up too fast. It certainly was fun, though.

 

[infinity706]

You know, this makes me sort of tempted to play along with some of these idiots.

 

[Karleksknop]

I got an e-mail from a complete stranger that demanded that I gave him total submission and answered with my cell phone number so he could text me orders.

WHAT???

 

[Harmony_1985]

I got an e-mail from a complete stranger that demanded that I gave him total submission and answered with my cell phone number so he could text me orders.

WHAT???

I think the appropriate reply to that would be 2 words and the 2nd one is off, please fill in your own first word.

Where do people get off doing that?

 

[Karleksknop]

I think the appropriate reply to that would be 2 words and the 2nd one is off, please fill in your own first word.

Where do people get off doing that?

Are you sure that it is appropriate to dignify that madness with a reply? Like it actually was a real message? That meant something?

 

[BiBunny]

I got an e-mail from a complete stranger that demanded that I gave him total submission and answered with my cell phone number so he could text me orders.

WHAT???

That's when you need to dig up the number for one of those really expensive "pay per text" services. Send dude a message like, "Please text me at ###-###-####, Sir. I'm ready to follow each and every one of your orders."

Then imagine the look on the idiot's face when he gets the bill.

 

[sexycaz22]

I don't get many private messages, and if this one is an indication of what's out there, I hope it stays that way forever.


Well hello...

I wonder why we start convos with hello?? Bit predictable and boring... Sorry! Maybe I should have started with Howdee!! Then again...

How should I start a message on here?? Maybe 'YO YA HO YOU WANNA BIT??' Hmmmm no I think not!! Thats the problem on here, I either sound like a geek, very sad, a letch, a bit gay, a stalker or something much worse... a really boring person!! Ha Ha. I think its coz you have to try and say everything at once!!!

Have i bored you f**king senseless yet?? I bet you think im already talking sh*t, waffling and probably some predator!! Hmmm what can I do?? I am trying to get you to reply but if i do what im doing so far I guess I aint gonna get far!!

I know what you should do! Hows about you add me to msn and then I can talk to you as a person rather than trying to get you involved in a conversation via a chat up line??

Add me -----> someaddress@hotmail.co.uk

Now hopefully by now you will either be thinking, what a cool guy... what a funny guy... or what a loser he aint getting sh*t out of me!!

I hope you will be thinking GRRRRR what a great laugh.. cant wait to see him!!! But I guess your thinking what a cock!

Anyway I have rambled for long enough, add me to msn;

someaddress_again@hotmail.co.uk

or at least message me back and tell me why not!! I wont be hurt... honest!! Oh and by the way, WOW you seem really are fit!!

Oh and btw... If you got yahoo, send me that email address and I can add you to mine, its someotheraddress@yahoo.com

Ta xxx

I bet a tenner you wont add! Shame! If I have mesaged you before then sorry for wasting your time but I aint been on for a while. And NO before you think it this isnt a copy and paste message! I always write a lot, and thus depending on my mood write similar stuff... But im as unique and original as you are xxx

Love Me xxx


Oh wow, so he signed it LOVE?!?? I don't even know this guy.

Oh my god! I got this same PM, not once but TWICE!

Idiot!

(not you, Windflower! )

 

[Karleksknop]

That's when you need to dig up the number for one of those really expensive "pay per text" services. Send dude a message like, "Please text me at ###-###-####, Sir. I'm ready to follow each and every one of your orders."

Then imagine the look on the idiot's face when he gets the bill.

Hahaha, that is true evil