Being autistic and random stuff

[Kat0069]

I've just stumbled on this thread and wish I'd found it sooner!

I identify with so much that has been said!

 

[PMarky2]

I sometimes think that HF-ASD folks being anti-social is a bit of a myth. In the right environment I really enjoy the company of a few friends and meeting new people. What makes me crazy is the sensory overload of parties, and other distraction filled environments. One member of our circle like to have dinner parties for 8 or 10 people, and I always find that conducive to socializing. Since getting my officially-unofficial diagnosis I have been much more aware of how I relate to people.

Unrelated Observations:
I got it totally wrong with the wife on Saturday. I thought I had simply asked her to be quiet and give me some time to finish something I was working on, but I got called rude and cruel for the way I did it. Apparently, "Can we have this conversation later? I am trying to get this finished!" somehow constituted a hanging offence.

I saw my ASD-Girl yesterday. Not much direct interaction between us, but she is calming to be around. Several times yesterday I sensed someone looking at me, and then looked up and see her looking straight at me even though we were involved in different conversations. It happens quite a bit.

 

[stickygirl]

I sometimes think that HF-ASD folks being anti-social is a bit of a myth. In the right environment I really enjoy the company of a few friends and meeting new people. What makes me crazy is the sensory overload of parties, and other distraction filled environments. One member of our circle like to have dinner parties for 8 or 10 people, and I always find that conducive to socializing. Since getting my officially-unofficial diagnosis I have been much more aware of how I relate to people.

It depends on the group, but generally I'd sit on my hands, literally, at a dinner party that size. Then I'd try to remember to smile and look interested because 'resting-stone-face' never works well!

Unrelated Observations:
I got it totally wrong with the wife on Saturday. I thought I had simply asked her to be quiet and give me some time to finish something I was working on, but I got called rude and cruel for the way I did it. Apparently, "Can we have this conversation later? I am trying to get this finished!" somehow constituted a hanging offence.

Unfortunately you don't get a 'get of of jail' card for being unintentionally rude because trying to explain "it's because I'm asd" is just digging the hole deeper. Seems like if you want to apologise, you do it later and in the most humble way you can manage OR just let it go and don't make a big thing of it.

 

[Strixaluco]

I sometimes think that HF-ASD folks being anti-social is a bit of a myth.

I totally agree. Many autistic people are extroverts, even

There's the sensory overload thing you already discussed and then the social challenges, mostly in a neurotypically dominated society. But for example my friends are mostly neurodivergent. Adhd and some autistic. It's totally different in such a setting. Though even then the considerable downtime requirement will hit me - I tend to get overexcited in company.

There are, however, also autistic people who simply find their own thoughts and special interests to be enough, and they don't desire much company.

 

[PMarky2]

It depends on the group, but generally I'd sit on my hands, literally, at a dinner party that size. Then I'd try to remember to smile and look interested because 'resting-stone-face' never works well!

Unfortunately you don't get a 'get of of jail' card for being unintentionally rude because trying to explain "it's because I'm asd" is just digging the hole deeper. Seems like if you want to apologise, you do it later and in the most humble way you can manage OR just let it go and don't make a big thing of it.

I do better with 6 or 8, especially as I can comfortably expect half the number to be arguing politics at the other end of the room, and I can switch off to them and talk to the others. Otherwise I loose interest, and then I am prone to the 'resting stone face' which, as you so rightly observe, never works well!

Getting it wrong with the wife... Letting it go never works with her because she won't leave it and usually makes a big thing out of my being ASD. You can take that to the bank. I always leave her a bit, and then apologize contritely even though I am usually 150-200% convinced she is over-reacting, then try not to say anything tactless for as long as I can manage.

 

[Zrosey]

I thought I'd link it here for anyone who is struggling with anxiety and depression for whatever reason. That voice that mocks you for your weakness is lying, despair is a lie, hopelessness is a lie...
Remember that

thanks for linking that YT...and while I'm here, just gonna give this quote some heartfelt love

 

[juttjaw]

My daughter, who is on the spectrum, moved back home, after many years on her own. Certainly, not because she can't be on her own, because everything happened at once. Her roommate of 8 years stopped being responsible, which led to them losing their place, the job she's been working for 8 years, decided she was making too much money and the engine in her suv took a shit. Everything all at once. Literally, this all happened in the span of 3 days. It was a lot for her, it would of been a lot for anyone. She resisted telling me, thinking I would be upset and wouldn't home her 2 cats. Nothing could of been further from the truth.

Anyway, she thrives on routine. She always has. She had a "routine" even in the womb. She would be active, sleep, kick, roll all at the same time of the day, day in and day out. That's never changed. As a child, she would say the same words before she went to sleep, flicked her light on and off 7 times before she laid down, woke up and did the same things before going to school. At first, it was cute. You know? "I can set my watch by my 3 year old!" hahaha... Then, I got concerned. Nothing she did was harmful, in any way. That would come later. But, she just lived to a little different of a beat. A very rhythmic beat... Like a metronome. I was concerned because, she didn't deal well when things couldn't be done in her order. She wouldn't throw fits, just kind of introvert, get agitated and very punchy. Of course, she would rebound, get back on track and be fine. I tried breaking up her routines a little, nothing drastic, just mix it up a bit. I continued to do that for many years, adding a little variety in her otherwise strict regiment. It was ok, she dealt and adapted and just made that her new routine. I didn't know it was autism, had no clue there were even degrees.

My point being (other than wanting to post about my child) she did very, very well with that life eruption. She rode it out. I affected her, it rattled her, but she coped surprisingly well. She moved home a few months ago, her and her cats. It's been awhile since we've actually lived together and I had forgotten what an absolute joy she is. I love having her here! Yes, she needs to get things back together and continue with her life, further than 20ft from her dad's bedroom, but I think she can stay as long as she likes. She knows that, but won't stay. She's a very independent person and always lands on her feet, but she's an adult not a child. It's just nice to have her home again, I've missed her.

 

[stickygirl]

Since she's aware of her autism, then maybe she can take solace from the experiences of other autistic people? It's great that you've been able to offer her a perch until she can unruffle her feathers. Yes - it sounded like a big upset to cope with.

My cousin's son is okay with changes to a planned weekend if he's given an hour or two to process the implications of not going to the zoo but going to granma's house instead. Both are fun things for him to do, but we hate impulsive and last minute changes... too many unknown outcomes to consider.
He's started to thrive now he is at a school that caters for kids with challenges like ASD. Apart from having smaller classes and a different pace to mainstream schools, I think being with other kids like him breathes confidence into them all.

 

[juttjaw]

Since she's aware of her autism, then maybe she can take solace from the experiences of other autistic people? It's great that you've been able to offer her a perch until she can unruffle her feathers. Yes - it sounded like a big upset to cope with.

My cousin's son is okay with changes to a planned weekend if he's given an hour or two to process the implications of not going to the zoo but going to granma's house instead. Both are fun things for him to do, but we hate impulsive and last minute changes... too many unknown outcomes to consider.
He's started to thrive now he is at a school that caters for kids with challenges like ASD. Apart from having smaller classes and a different pace to mainstream schools, I think being with other kids like him breathes confidence into them all.

Yep, she's very aware. She understands how her brain works, which is amazing for anyone to understand. She's grown into a very adaptable adult. Not sure how she does it, but she does. She's pretty laid back and cooooool. She gets that from me......

I do know she struggles with the unknown outcomes. We had to sit down and draw out a plan of how she was going to get through all that happened. That helped. Once she gets the thoughts organized, it's go time. Her plan was going great, until she fell down my stairs and shattered her big toe. Laid her up for a few weeks. She wasn't able to work, but her new job held her position. It was nice of them, she's a very valuable asset to an employer. That derailed the plan a little, set things back about a month. She's back at it though. Sometimes, I'm afraid she works too much. Completely engrossed In her job. It reminds me of when she was a child and got lost in things for months. OCD lost. I try and remind her to breath and take a break, but she's focused. And, what do i know? I see things threw my eyes and brain, not hers. So, I let her do her thing and step back. I'll be her if she needs me. I hope she knows that.

 

[stickygirl]

Yep, she's very aware. She understands how her brain works, which is amazing for anyone to understand. She's grown into a very adaptable adult. Not sure how she does it, but she does. She's pretty laid back and cooooool. She gets that from me......

I do know she struggles with the unknown outcomes. We had to sit down and draw out a plan how she was going to get through all that happened. That helped. Once she gets the thoughts organized, it's go time. Her plan was going great, until she fell down my stairs and shattered her big toe. Laid her up for a few weeks. She wasn't able to work, but her new job held her position. It was nice of them, she's a very valuable asset to an employer. That derailed the plan a little, set things back about a month. She's back at it though. Sometimes, I'm afraid she works too much. Completely engrossed In her job. It reminds me of when she was a child and got lost in things for months. OCD lost. I try and remind her to breath and take a break, but she's focused. And, what do i know? I look at things threw my eyes and brain. So, I let her do her thing and step back. I'll be her if she needs me. I hope she knows that.

I suspect part of the compulsion to keep going on a problem, holding all the elements in the air like a juggler, is a fear that if we stop the focus, we'll never get it back. I used to wonder if the focus would mean I lose the ability to think laterally, but generally not the case.
The problem I've found is when we do run out of engrossed road, we hit a wall, then totally lose interest. I've had to teach myself to take breaks. I hope she sees the wall coming or at least maintains her interest in her work.

 

[Strixaluco]

Sometimes, I'm afraid she works too much. Completely engrossed In her job. It reminds me of when she was a child and got lost in things for months. OCD lost. I try and remind her to breath and take a break, but she's focused.

Not OCD focused, but hyperfocused like autistic and adhd people do. It is very hard to get out of that focus before the thing is done.

For an autistic it is fortunate to have a job that gets us to that state - because the other option tends to be forcing oneself to work reluctantly.

 

[stickygirl]

Not OCD focused, but hyperfocused like autistic and adhd people do. It is very hard to get out of that focus before the thing is done.

For an autistic it is fortunate to have a job that gets us to that state - because the other option tends to be forcing oneself to work reluctantly.

That's an important distinction, but I don't know enough about OCD to add further, except to say "OCD" has become a slangy shorthand for absentminded. I've had to bite my lip on hearing people use the expression in a light-hearted way ( not looking at you Juttjaw !)

 

[Strixaluco]

That's an important distinction, but I don't know enough about OCD to add further, except to say "OCD" has become a slangy shorthand for absentminded. I've had to bite my lip on hearing people use the expression in a light-hearted way ( not looking at you Juttjaw !)

OCD tends to focus around fears, ADHD and autism often around something they like. (It IS of course possible to have both, or all three. I probably have, though my OCD has pretty much completely eased over the years.)

So for me it's very hard to understand OCD being used for neutral or positive situations.

 

[Strixaluco]

What I really dislike about my AuDHD is how it makes juggling normal everyday stuff harder.

Also the comorbidities. (I'm looking at you, HSD etc...)

 

[PMarky2]

The ASD focus thing is something that is useful to me in my day job as I will get down a research rabbit hole and not come up for weeks or until I have an answer to the puzzle. This is highly enjoyable for me, and annoying for anyone who has to put up with me burbling on whilst I am at it. Mind you, I have had to learn to keep a lid on it, as at 55 pulling and all-nighter is much harder on the system than it was a 25.

 

[Ohioman77]

Nothing about sex in my experience. My oldest daughter was diagnosed, with autism, in her very early 20s. She is complex, funny and brutally smart. She is kind, empathetic, polite and respectful. She has a personality that I'm very proud of her for. She has struggled, failed and given up. Shes an addict, in recovery, like her dear old Dad. She is one of my best friends. It was a bit of a struggle for her growing up, not only is she a child of divorce, but she was a confused teen. Got into things she shouldn't have, rebounded and made great decisions. She's a force.

When learning about the diagnosis, we sat down and researched together. It was at a time in my life, where I was largely ignorant to autism. I never considered it, ever. I was typically misinformed about it. Thoughts of rainman and the kid in my grade that didn't talk and covered his ears when he heard a loud noise. I had no idea of the nuances and misunderstanding of daily life with autism. The more I learned, the more it blew me away. I had no idea.

Her friends would (and have) discribed my daughter, as one of those people you meet in your life and they change it forever. Even within her toughest times, she has always been her. The kids personality, doesn't waver. She is the same now as she was when she was cut from her Mother's uterus.

I've come to realize a lot of things since finding out, but none of them has made any impact on my views of her. Why would it? Autism (in our case) isn't an answer to questions, or a salution to a problem, it's just there. The diagnosis may help her navigate the feelings she has, by providing a road map, that points out potential alternative routes. She always has been and always will be a gem. We'll keep learning together.

Sorry, this maybe off topic, but I wanted to share my experience with my kid. I hope it's OK.

Thanks for putting your thoughts to print!

 

[stickygirl]

^^^
please don't feel I'm interrupting - I tend to treat this thread as a pinboard for posting 'stuff' However, this YT caught me by surprise because I found it so relevant to me - I even made a reply.
Under the title of Are you a chameleon? we're prompted to ask 'Do you know who the Real You is, if you spend your whole life masking and changing your game depending on the company you're in?' Not every video is going to hit home for every viewer but wow, this did.
The question I've found myself asking many times, is 'If I present all these different versions of myself, how can anyone love me?' It almost feels deceitful to play roles - like you're in a machine pulling levers, not acting intuitively and honestly.

Having identified this as a problem, maybe I can figure out how to solve it?

^^^
now feel free to go back to the previous convo!

 

[Strixaluco]

^^^
please don't feel I'm interrupting - I tend to treat this thread as a pinboard for posting 'stuff' However, this YT caught me by surprise because I found it so relevant to me - I even made a reply.
Under the title of Are you a chameleon? we're prompted to ask 'Do you know who the Real You is, if you spend your whole life masking and changing your game depending on the company you're in?' Not every video is going to hit home for every viewer but wow, this did.
The question I've found myself asking many times, is 'If I present all these different versions of myself, how can anyone love me?' It almost feels deceitful to play roles - like you're in a machine pulling levers, not acting intuitively and honestly.

Having identified this as a problem, maybe I can figure out how to solve it?

^^^
now feel free to go back to the previous convo!

I'm not in the state to watch it right now, but that's a common sentiment for "high-functioning", continuously masking women. Not even knowing who you are.

I've been there. Until I found my Dom, and intuitively dropped all my masks. It was scary at first, when alone.

What did I find? There's something of my true self in all those masks. Even quite a lot. Probably yours have, too. My values didn't change at all. Nor did what excites me. Though it changes "everything", on the outside it wasn't radical. Mostly i just started to relax, quit trying too much, and started to learn what actually overloads and exhausts me (because I was masking that even from myself.)

And I now refuse to do some things that require too much masking, like some jobs.

 

[PMarky2]

I'm not in the state to watch it right now, but that's a common sentiment for "high-functioning", continuously masking women. Not even knowing who you are.

I've been there. Until I found my Dom, and intuitively dropped all my masks. It was scary at first, when alone.

What did I find? There's something of my true self in all those masks. Even quite a lot. Probably yours have, too. My values didn't change at all. Nor did what excites me. Though it changes "everything", on the outside it wasn't radical. Mostly i just started to relax, quit trying too much, and started to learn what actually overloads and exhausts me (because I was masking that even from myself.)

And I now refuse to do some things that require too much masking, like some jobs.

Yep, yep, yep and yep...

My wife occasionally complains about my being a chameleon. I tend to be a 'go along to get along' unless I think someone is abusing/ignoring the rules - or at least those rules which make sense to me. Masking is exhausting, and I cannot do it continuously. As a result, I tend to need 2 to 4 hours alone each day so I do not loose me, even though every one of the masks is a version of me.

I did not need to mask around my best friend, but he died back in January. I don't need to mask around my Crush as she is HF ASD too, I picked that up on a subconscious level when she first started really talking to me. Her sister is used dealing with someone high functioning so I don't feel the need to mask around her either. The wife can be exhausting because I have to be aware of her mood to know whether I need to mask or not. Today has been fairly good, as I have been off her radar - in other words, she needed my help so she has been largely ignoring my ASD. It has actually been worse since she twigged that I am ASD as she can use it as a stick to beat me with when she is in the 'right' mood.

Thankfully, since I was in my mid-20s I been able to avoid jobs where my ASD would be a problem. Dealing with folks one-on-one is not too much of a problem provided I do not have to do it 8 hours a day, and I am enough of an actor to enjoy lecturing, so it works.

 

[Hypnobitch01]

I've been thinking about starting this for a while, not as a vanity thread, but because there isn't one at Lit. So this is a first for Lit AFAIK.

Being autistic doesn't mean we like sex more or less than anyone else, but we probably think about it more, because we think about everything more. I've only said that because there are plenty of autistic forums online at reddit etc, but auties can be a bit prime and proper and seldom mention 'a slow tendril hung from the heat of her sex, thick with lust and hungry for his hard flesh to consume her' without a librarian Mod jumping in to censor you... true story btw.

I keep finding out new things about being autistic, usually through someone else's experience or remarks. Here's a couple of facts I discovered recently -

• Autistic people represent a disproportionate number of victims of sexual abuse
• Alexithymia can leave you suddenly fighting back tears because you don't understand your own emotions.

Like the internet in general, Lit gives you the opportunity of walking away from a question, thinking about it for an hour, then coming back with a well thought out answer. It can also mean you totally misunderstood a nuance in the discussion, the topic has moved on and your carefully written response was a wasted effort. My trash is full of brilliant and entirely irrelevant replies to the question I only thought I'd been asked.

TLDR
Just post stuff about autism

Ooooo here’s a fun one, I have a super high pain tolerance and really low pain awareness, turns out that’s also related to pleasure. I only really enjoy really rough stuff, everything else actually gives me overload which is weird but whatever.

 

[Strixaluco]

.It has actually been worse since she twigged that I am ASD as she can use it as a stick to beat me with when she is in the 'right' mood.

Using anything as a "stick to beat with" is a major red flag in my opinion. For any relationship.

Thankfully, since I was in my mid-20s I been able to avoid jobs where my ASD would be a problem. Dealing with folks one-on-one is not too much of a problem provided I do not have to do it 8 hours a day, and I am enough of an actor to enjoy lecturing, so it works.

In my 20s I didn't even realise half of what would be a problem. Like being easily stressed, being a boss is ab absolute no-no, or dealing with private customer. I can deal with having a limited number of people per month to - like customer projects. Thinking back I should have perhaps chosen a different field to study...

 

[juttjaw]

Not OCD focused, but hyperfocused like autistic and adhd people do. It is very hard to get out of that focus before the thing is done.

For an autistic it is fortunate to have a job that gets us to that state - because the other option tends to be forcing oneself to work reluctantly.

Thank you for the correct description, I knew OCD wasn't the right word. Also, I didn't mean OCD in a blase sense, at the time, it seemed very real. Not being able to read your child's intentions is scary for young parents. Shit gets real very fast. But yes, hyper focused is better terminology.

 

[Strixaluco]

Comorbidities are "nice". This is one. (Autistic people usually have more than one comorbodity anyway.)

Autism and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome

 

[stickygirl]

Just where I'd go to read bullshit... The Telegraph posts 'research link' to maternal diet and autism, thus blaming mothers, suggesting our existence reflect failures and hunting for more funding for their PhD?

Commenting on the study, Dr Rosa Hoekstra, from the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience, at King’s College London, said: “A healthy diet is associated with many favourable health and wellbeing outcomes, but this paper does not provide evidence that it is an important factor associated with the likelihood of having an autistic child.”

 

[Noor]

Comorbidities are "nice". This is one. (Autistic people usually have more than one comorbodity anyway.)

Autism and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome

I was just going to mention that there are a fair number of people on the spectrum in the Mcas/pots/eds community