Being autistic and random stuff

[PMarky2]

Well why don't you? Can't even tell how many times I have been told to slow down.

That's so not ok in a relationship. Besides, you had it already when you got together. It's like choosing a tall partner and then complaining how unpractical the height difference is!


Differences in how much you want to see each other are so frustrating. Offering a virtual hug

Taa for the virtual hug!

I actually did a lot better with him last night than I usually do. I might finally be 'getting my ear in' when it comes to the peculiarities of his speech pattern.

Discovering I am probably ASD did not occur until quite recently. Before she had just assumed I was a bit eccentric and done her best to ignore it. I mask fairly well, until the stress/distress level gets too much and then the results are unpredictable. It usually involves me leaving, or at least finding somewhere where I can be quiet until I recover myself a little. I had a minor meltdown the other Sunday when BAF did not appear as expected. Took me a while to recover, and I am still a bit wobbly.

I suspect this is just one of those periods of separation that will resolve itself when whatever else is going on in her life moves into its next cycle. Of course, I may be in a situation where the relationship has run its course, but I do not think so.

I know I do deal with two different sets of emotions when dealing with BAF. The first set is the fact that I think she is clever, humane, talented, and in her skinny, geeky, girly, bespectacled way very pretty. She also has the potential to be a wonderful, if off-beat, mother (she wants kids.) Temperamentally we suit each other. Not only do we have "mild" ASD in common, but our personalities 'gel.'

On the other hand, I do think I dump a lot of frustrations I have with an ailing and not particularly understanding wife into the need to see and talk to BAF. The wife sees the relationship with BAF in totally normie terms - middle aged man wanting to get into younger woman's knickers - though I have explained that the mainspring of the relationship on my side is being with someone I do not have to mask around. She usually labels that 'weird' or 'sick' depending on her pain/frustration/anger level.

Were it not for the age difference, and the fact I am already married, I could clearly envision getting together with BAF, but it would not be a fling, it would be marriage, children, the whole nine-yards, and yes, we would be the crazy homeschoolers the Fascists next door were always calling CPS about. One indicator that BAF does something special to me is that I can regard the prospect of kids with enthusiasm. Until I met her I was happily childless.

Sorry that is quite a dump.

 

[PMarky2]

I can't believe media are quoting LB as having described her autism as a 'superpower' because I've seen most of her interviews and she never has. She has more intelligence than that: she has called her soccer interest a hyperfocus and an obsession but NOT a superpower. More words being put into our mouths - it makes me so angry.

I cannot imagine anyone calling ASD a superpower except with the irony meter turned up to 15 on a scale of 1 to 10. My experience is that it is a mixed blessing. In my professional life it is useful, but socially it is a huge disadvantage.

 

[Strixaluco]

Discovering I am probably ASD did not occur until quite recently. Before she had just assumed I was a bit eccentric and done her best to ignore it. I mask fairly well, until the stress/distress level gets too much and then the results are unpredictable. It usually involves me leaving, or at least finding somewhere where I can be quiet until I recover myself a little.

So... being eccentric and weird was something she just tried to ignore, but now that she knows it's totally inborn, it's suddenly something to complain about, like it was your fault?

In addition to being "alling", she simply doesn't make sense.

I'm not telling you what to do with your marriage. However, that really doesn't sound promising for the future at all.

 

[stickygirl]

I've been stuck making progress on a story recently and have asking friends slightly random questions to break the impasse. One question was to ask if police officers suffer from alcoholism/ptsd and the other was how a boat could plausibly go adrift in a storm.
Being objective, I can see why these points matter to me and how they are manifestations of autism, namely being truthful and accurate. In previous stories I've had great fun researching facts so that I could provide not just a romantic story but one that was honest. So I use Google earth to drive the road my MC will follow and find the cafe or view I can include. The research means characters can have meaningful conversations, not just small talk!
Our brains are so interesting

 

[PMarky2]

So... being eccentric and weird was something she just tried to ignore, but now that she knows it's totally inborn, it's suddenly something to complain about, like it was your fault?

In addition to being "alling", she simply doesn't make sense.

I'm not telling you what to do with your marriage. However, that really doesn't sound promising for the future at all.

Most of the time it is difficult, but not intolerable. I am cutting her slack for having CTCL - an uncomfortable form of lymphoma - but the jealousy towards some of my friends, and the nastiness about my being probably ASD is a lot harder to take. The nastiness about Best Autie Friend is the hardest to take as she tends to assume all relationships between a man and a woman are ultimately sexual, yet, if BAF has ever tried to seduce me (or vice versa) it was purely intellectual. You have to be a bit careful when it is a male-female platonic relationship that you acknowledge there are certain dangers, but...! It is a topic on which she has an 'I'm right and you are an idiot' attitude, which is unhelpful.

 

[PMarky2]

I've been stuck making progress on a story recently and have asking friends slightly random questions to break the impasse. One question was to ask if police officers suffer from alcoholism/ptsd and the other was how a boat could plausibly go adrift in a storm.
Being objective, I can see why these points matter to me and how they are manifestations of autism, namely being truthful and accurate. In previous stories I've had great fun researching facts so that I could provide not just a romantic story but one that was honest. So I use Google earth to drive the road my MC will follow and find the cafe or view I can include. The research means characters can have meaningful conversations, not just small talk!
Our brains are so interesting

PTSD among law enforcement is pretty common. Most have something from their past that comes back on them. My wife has some memories of working for the Horse Racing Board as an Investigator that come back and haunt her sometimes. Frontline cops often have worse to deal with. As for a boat being adrift in a storm, they drag their anchors or break their moorings in bad weather so no problem with those two. A police officer who was an out-and-out alcoholic probably would get rumbled pretty quickly, though I knew a few who would be consistently somewhere between 'happy' and 'three sheets to the wind' when they were 'off' depending on what time of day you ran into them.

But you have probably found that out already.

 

[Strixaluco]

Most of the time it is difficult, but not intolerable. I am cutting her slack for having CTCL - an uncomfortable form of lymphoma - but the jealousy towards some of my friends, and the nastiness about my being probably ASD is a lot harder to take. The nastiness about Best Autie Friend is the hardest to take as she tends to assume all relationships between a man and a woman are ultimately sexual, yet, if BAF has ever tried to seduce me (or vice versa) it was purely intellectual. You have to be a bit careful when it is a male-female platonic relationship that you acknowledge there are certain dangers, but...! It is a topic on which she has an 'I'm right and you are an idiot' attitude, which is unhelpful.

Sigh.
When I met my partner - who doesn't dance - I told him outright that I do go to social dancing sometimes and I cannot deal with deal with jealousy regarding it. That he would have to accept it if he wants to be with me. And that I also have men as friends. In fact, one of them is my ex.

What some don't understand is that for me, being platonic with an ex is easy as I've already seen that through. Also as everything is fine with me and my partner, physically as well, I don't really see other men as men... Oxytocin is damn powerful when there's enough of it.

 

[Strixaluco]

One question was to ask if police officers suffer from alcoholism/ptsd

You don't necessarily need some especially shocking situations to get ptsd. My late husband was a UN peace keeper (in addition to being a military police) and said that not everybody gets PTSD from the same events, and also it's not necessarily always the toughest situations you've been to that you might get PTSD from.

As far as I've understood, it's both about your mental resources and about what hits your weak points and gets under your skin.

My late husband's PTSD's had mostly come from situations with kids and maybe women, as far as I know. Some of his nightmares were about people he hadn't even seen dead or alive... Like.... Oh wait, trigger warning, this is from Bosnia I think! I put this in whit font, you can read it by choosing the text or quoting it. checking a house that seems odd, while others were checking a minefield nearby. The house was empty of people... And even the dog came out whiny, with a stuffed toy he had taken from there. The minefield was hiding a mass grave.

 

[PMarky2]

Sigh.
When I met my partner - who doesn't dance - I told him outright that I do go to social dancing sometimes and I cannot deal with deal with jealousy regarding it. That he would have to accept it if he wants to be with me. And that I also have men as friends. In fact, one of them is my ex.

What some don't understand is that for me, being platonic with an ex is easy as I've already seen that through. Also as everything is fine with me and my partner, physically as well, I don't really see other men as men... Oxytocin is damn powerful when there's enough of it.

I can get jealous, so I have always said to my wife and before that girlfriends, 'I don't mind you having male friends and doing stuff on your own, but I do mind you hiding stuff from me.'

My opposite sex friendships tend to get put in one of three boxes:

1. Wholly Platonic
2. Platonic but interested in more under the right circumstances - i.e. both being single.
3. Potentially Romantic

Any relationship that is heading for Box 3 has to be either redirected into Box 1 sharpish, or else dropped. It is a sanity/survival/avoiding drama issue. The overwhelming majority of my opposite sex friendships are comfortably in Box 1. The only box 2s I can think of are BAF and, to a lesser extent, her mother. That makes me very guarded with both of them - no private meetings, etc., and if we need to have a confidential conversation then stand/sit out of ear shot where we can be seen. I suppose it is a case of being aware of how things could go wrong, so that they do not. I had to back away from BAF for while last year because I was getting too interested, beginning to dream about a golden future with lots of intellectual conversations and a couple of blue-eyed kids. I also think the fact we have not seen one another for several weeks recently may have been another well-timed hiatus.

 

[Strixaluco]

I can get jealous, so I have always said to my wife and before that girlfriends, 'I don't mind you having male friends and doing stuff on your own, but I do mind you hiding stuff from me.'

For me that's kind of a nobrainer. Not like I necessarily mention every time I meet my ex (I don't live with my partner), but he knows in general. And he also tells me to go dancing...

I suppose it is a case of being aware of how things could go wrong, so that they do not.

I tend to agree with this. It's not always even mutual, but realising my own emotions can make me cautious.

And then again, even if I'm single, I keep some men on a distance, to not let them keep false hope alive.

But dancing? Yes I may dance very closely even with men I've never seen before - and it means totally nothing, except that I love to dance with a good leader. (Basically ballroom and Latin.)

 

[PMarky2]

Saw BAF Little wave; big grin; started talking about Chesterton... bliss.

 

[stickygirl]

Overcorrecting people on inaccuracies is my 'superpower' that gains me friends and helps me fit in to the NT world. Me and my big mouth ffs.

 

[PMarky2]

A few things happened last week that made me realize that I had become obsessive about BAF and that may have been why she has been keeping her distance. I do get a fair amount of anxiety and depression, couple that with the need to 'escape' from the situation at home I got fixated on BAF who is absolutely wonderful in my eyes, and we got a very toxic brew. Arrangements made to see PCP and get a referral to a therapist. One advantage to being Aspie (sorry, I prefer the old term) is that I am pretty ruthless with the self-examination once someone pops my bubble.

 

[Paradox]

Overcorrecting people on inaccuracies is my 'superpower' that gains me friends and helps me fit in to the NT world. Me and my big mouth ffs.

If you figure out how to change this about yourself, please let me know...perhaps my wife could benefit.

 

[PMarky2]

If you figure out how to change this about yourself, please let me know...perhaps my wife could benefit.

I drive my wife crazy doing the self-same thing. I don't think we can switch it off without a superhuman effort.

 

[Strixaluco]

Overcorrecting people on inaccuracies

I may manage to avoid that when having plenty of energy. And definitely not if I'm tired... (unless I'm so exhausted that I don't participate in discussions much anyway.)

 

[Bray123]

I've been stuck making progress on a story recently and have asking friends slightly random questions to break the impasse. One question was to ask if police officers suffer from alcoholism/ptsd and the other was how a boat could plausibly go adrift in a storm.
Being objective, I can see why these points matter to me and how they are manifestations of autism, namely being truthful and accurate. In previous stories I've had great fun researching facts so that I could provide not just a romantic story but one that was honest. So I use Google earth to drive the road my MC will follow and find the cafe or view I can include. The research means characters can have meaningful conversations, not just small talk!
Our brains are so interesting

I've known a few cops with alcoholism, also gambling issues, ptsd etc. Aspergers as well. Even Trans. If it exists, it exists in the police.

 

[Zrosey]

Perhaps this will be of interest, it popped up on one of my feeds and found it well worth the read.

https://aeon.co/essays/the-missing-...tly-different?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-us

 

[stickygirl]

I've known a few cops with alcoholism, also gambling issues, ptsd etc. Aspergers as well. Even Trans. If it exists, it exists in the police.

I spoke to a friend 'in the know' today and she assured me that illicit affairs are also very common in the police. That gave me the plot twist I needed!

 

[Bray123]

I spoke to a friend 'in the know' today and she assured me that illicit affairs are also very common in the police. That gave me the plot twist I needed!

It's a given that affairs are common. Working away from home, a close working environment, long & weird hours...

 

[PMarky2]

It's a given that affairs are common. Working away from home, a close working environment, long & weird hours...

My step son spent 18 years paying for his bit of fun on the job. Had a fling and joined the "lucky" sperm club.

 

[Strixaluco]

Perhaps this will be of interest, it popped up on one of my feeds and found it well worth the read.

https://aeon.co/essays/the-missing-...tly-different?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-us

One very depressing case of the prevalence of sexism in the medical field.

 

[stickygirl]

One very depressing case of the prevalence of sexism in the medical field.

I had to keep checking the date of that article - it feels like it was written ten years ago. Are we still stuck with all those 20th century stereotypes?! ffs

 

[Strixaluco]

I had to keep checking the date of that article - it feels like it was written ten years ago. Are we still stuck with all those 20th century stereotypes?! ffs

Yes. I've definitely ran on doctors with them. One reason why I'm not officially diagnosed. "Now that we've discussed like this, there's no way you can have autism."

Also: me having my latest mini-meltdown yesterday.

Edit. My psychologist of several years suspected it heavily,... but couldn't make the referral to neuropsyciatry, not being a doctor.

 

[PMarky2]

Yes. I've definitely ran on doctors with them. One reason why I'm not officially diagnosed. "Now that we've discussed like this, there's no way you can have autism."

Also: me having my latest mini-meltdown yesterday.

I am currently going through both the process of being diagnosed (or not) and the consequences of my last mini-meltdown. Not fun!