Choose Your Chains (Closed for haremfaery)

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian rode with Siora, and when it came time to bed down for the evening, he settled on just being a warm body for Siora to huddle against for warmth. And not in the way Cillian had wanted Desire. It was a simple, comforting touch, nothing torrid, though he hoped he wouldn't wake up clutching her breast again. That was something that his body wanted, but he knew it wasn't coming from Siora. Conscious, he was fine with that, but the... desire was still there.

He hadn't fallen asleep yet when Phyrra summoned him for his watch. There was a brief moment of blissful silence as they quickly checked the parameter. Though Cillian could tell something was coming. Phyrra had 'a look' that said she had something to say.

When he'd barely sat by the fire, she asked, "Something's changed between you and Siora. What happened? You aren't acting like her puppy anymore."

Cillian rolled his eyes. He was expecting this. He knew the body language change would be obvious. He'd just hoped everyone would have the decency to ignore it.

"We both realized that trying to fake it into something real wasn't working. Neither of us is happy with our situation. We can be friends, but I don't think we can really grow beyond that. We... want different things. Though we were really honest with each other about it."

He let out a sigh.

"We both agreed if we can find a way out of this marriage, we should. But I don't want her to lose her station. She's not an awful person, and elf high-society could use more not awful people."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

(Posted on behalf of haremfaery)

"Honesty. Now there's something refreshing." Phyrra poked at the fire. "You could live apart; it's not like it's never been done before. Siora has proven herself to be valuable. She wouldn't be shunned. You could take the blame. You're good at that." She poked the fire again.

"How long are you two going to pretend you're still married? Everyone knows something is wrong between you. But I'm glad you aren't playing kissy-face any more. It made me want to vomit."

She stretched out her feet toward the fire. Cillian had a knack for making things more difficult than they needed to be.

"Would Desire take you back? She's as stubborn as you are, but I think she would—if you don't act like an ass about it."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian glared at Phyrra when she said he was good at taking the blame. It was true, and he knew it, but his little sister had a way of using the truth like a knife and then twisting it in your gut.

"Siora and I are married. We just aren't pretending it's a functional one. Which, oddly enough, makes us more functional.

Cillian wasn't prepared for her next question. He sat in silence for a moment.

"Desire was pretty quick to go hop on Tarron's dick. She did that on purpose to hurt me. She couldn't wait to give me a chance to explain because she didn't trust me. And I don't know if I can trust her to not be vengeful like that whenever she's mad at me because I fucked up. I've got a lot of fuck ups left in me, and I don't think I could take it. We're both professional liars. I don't think there is enough trust there."

He let out a long, exhausted sigh.

"And even if she would' and we could make it work between us, I'm not going to make her a mistress. That isn't fair to her or Siora."

It wasn't that Cillian didn't want Desire. He just couldn't see a path from where they were to anything like the kind of relationship he wanted with her.

 

[haremfaery]

"How long was Desire supposed to wait for the truth? You could have--should have--told her long before father saw you and brought you home. That's on you." Phyrra turned to face him. The fire tinted her hair.

"And Tarron is like father: when he finds a weakness, he exploits it. Don't put all the blame on Desire. She was angry and hurting." She put up her hand to keep Cillian from interrupting. "I'm not defending her. She's as much of an asshole as you are." She was definitely not going to tell Cillian about Vuduin.

"If Siora and you don't love each other and Desire and you do, and all three of you agree to the arrangement, then why can't you be with Desire? Does she even want to get married? It seems you are making decisions for them. You might not get exactly what you want, but you could get close."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian had promised Siora he wasn't going to take a mistress, that he wouldn't do that to her, but that had before they both admitted they wanted out of this situation. What did it mean now? He'd seen the way Desire's presence had made Siora prickle, but would that be the case now? Desire didn't seem too keen on the idea of being 'the other woman.' He mulled it over in his head.

Phyrra was right. Even as a child, she had an amazingly annoying habit of getting to the heart of a matter and asking why something so simple couldn't just be the solution. Sometimes it had been naive, but more often, she was right.

"How... how does one go about suggesting such a thing to two strong-willed women who... hate each other. Or maybe they just both hate me." He bowed his head, trying to untangle this web.

"I could have told her earlier, but there wasn't that long before everything went to hell that I could have told her. It might sound foolish of me, but we'd known each other less than a week before, and we..." He wasn't sure what to say. He rubbed his temples as if trying to massage the words out. "When we weren't running for our lives, we were... we didn't have a lot of time for sharing secrets. Realistically, we barely know each other. I couldn't tell you what her favorite food is. All I know..." Cillian stopped. He was about to tell Phyrra, 'I know all the spots on her body where she likes to be touch,' but that was wildly inappropriate and much more information than he wanted to share, and she wanted to know. "All I know is for a brief glorious moment, everything was right with the world, and I didn't know how to say that I was married or that I was the son of a member of the elvish High Council."

 

[haremfaery]

"You had an entire week and couldn't find the time to say: 'Desire, I have to tell you that I ran away from an arranged marriage. My family and wife live right here in ((forgot city name)). I should have told you before, but I love you and I didn't want to ruin that. I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner.'"

She gave Cillian a pitying look. "Less than fifteen seconds to tell her. You are such an ass. And don't give me any more of your lame excuses or I'll kick your stupid ass."

Phyrra would never get this sorted if Cillian was going to continue to be so defeatist about everything. She sighed. Maybe if she spoke to Vuduin ...

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

"You realize I'm the older sibling, right?" He said with a smirk. He bumped his shoulder into hers. "You're such an annoying little shit sometimes. I'm glad to see that hasn't changed since I left."

But Cillian let the other part of their discussion fade. She was right about how little time it would have taken, but he didn't think it was quite as easy as she made it seem. He wasn't going to tell her that. He wasn't sure what tricks she'd learned while he was away and wasn't looking to test her.

He understood the sounds his mouth would have to make, and the time it would take to make them. But there was also timing. First, they had distrusted each other so much, then there was the realization that they were more than just escapees who needed each other to survive. Then the trust was fragile... then he fucked it up. He could have stayed a spy, walked her to the Freeholds and...

And then what.

Unless Phyrra wanted to grill him more, Cillian was content to ride out the rest of their watch talking or not about anything but his tortured love life and then head out the next morning.

 

[haremfaery]

"Older doesn't make you wiser--just older." Phyrra bumped Cillian back.

"I'd love to lock the three of you in a room and not let you out until you decide on a way to make everyone happy. I know that's not going to happen. But you really do need to talk to Desire. I think she's an ass as well, but maybe she has some ideas you haven't thought of."

"Or maybe you just do what you did before and leave without a trace." There was bitterness in her voice, she sounded like the hurt little girl she had been when he left.

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

A particular perverse part of Cillian thought about the more pleasurable possible outcomes of locking him up with his wife and his mistress, but in reality, he thought it might end with three broken hearts and/or one to two dead bodies.

"I'm not going to leave you again. When this is over, I'll head back with you to Ulfamel. Siora and I will figure something out, and Desire..."

He put his head in his hands. "Do you think she'd actually talk with me? Not Phyrra thinking people can do things easily way, but like... do you think Desire's in a place I could talk to her without me ending up a pile of ash? Maybe... maybe I can talk to Siora and see..." Cillian was having trouble finishing a thought before his brain generated a worse possible case scenario that just made everything worse.

"Okay, wise sagely sister, what do I do here? I'm apparently incapable of fixing this mess on my own. In a perfect world, I could be with Desire, and she wouldn't hate me forever. Siora could be free of me, keep her station, and find someone worthy of her and will treat her well."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

(Posted on behalf of haremfaery)

“I’ll talk to Desire—pave the way for you. Call a truce and let her know that I’ll kick her ass if she tries to hurt you. Will that work?“

She looked up at the stars.

“Why would you want to come back to Ulfamel? Why would you assume that I want to go back? You know father will arrange a marriage for me eventually. I don’t want that. I’m tired of living under his thumb and hiding who I am.”

“We’ll figure this out.” She needed to let Vuduin know that he had a chance with Siora, and he should let her know how he felt about her.

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

"Phyrra..." Cillian wasn't sure what he wanted to say. Yes, he wanted to talk to Desire, but he didn't know what Phyrra might say. The problem was that Cillian no longer knew his sister. She had 30 years to grow up from the little girl who tagged along while he and Vuduin got into mischief.

She was this entire person who was right. Age did not guarantee wisdom, and she seemed to have a lot more figured out than he did.

"Thank you, sister. You grew up to have a pretty level head on your shoulders. Turns out, you didn't need me all that much." He said with a smile. "Seriously, I wish I'd have been there to see you become the person you are today."

Cillian felt a mixture of ill, excited, and anxious about the thought of talking with Desire again. But first, he felt like he had to speak with Siora first.

"I... I should tell Siora about this first. She deserves that much."

 

[haremfaery]

"I did need you, Cillian. The house wasn't the same without you there. And then Vuduin," She stopped herself. "Vuduin had other things on his mind. Siora and I have nothing in common. That's when I decided I needed to do something for me. I started studying to be a druid. Of course, I couldn't tell father."

She leaned into Cillian and put her head on his shoulder. "Yes, talk to Siora. Let me know how it goes."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian kissed his sister on the cheek as their shift ended.

"I'm sorry I'm an asshole."

He walked back to his tent, hoping Siora had slept enough because he felt like this conversation couldn't wait. At least until he saw her sleeping. They had both already said they wanted out of this marriage, but he wondered what that meant while they were trying to get out. Siora had made her feelings about Desire rather clear, but that was before they both agreed that the marriage between them just wasn't working for either of them. But he had said he wouldn't take a mistress.

"Fifteen seconds," he said to himself before he gently shook Siora awake.

"Sorry, I just really needed to talk to you."

Then his mind went blank for a moment as soon as she was fully conscious. He felt like a fool, but he had just woken her up, and he needed to say something.

"Now that we both know that this marriage just isn't going to work, what are we going to do? I want... I want to try to apologize to Desire for the mess I made, but I don't want to... leave you behind. I'm trying to do the right thing by you, but right now, I don't know what that looks like."

 

[haremfaery]

Phyrra woke up the next watch then went to the tent she shared with Desire. She crawled into her bedroll and went to sleep feeling pretty good with herself.

~~~~~

Siora propped herself up on her elbows and listened to Cillian. She was sitting up by the time he finished.

"If you love Desire, I won't stand in the way of your happiness. I made a life for myself without you. I can do it again. Were you planning to stay in the Freeholds with her? If she takes you back, that is."

She rubbed her temples. "We still have some days left to travel, then an alliance to broker. I will meditate on this. Perhaps a solution will present itself."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian barely suppressed a laugh.

"Sorry. I'm just realizing all the women in my life are much smarter than me. Siora, you really are an amazing woman and I hope we can find you some happiness even if Desire tells me to go leap off a cliff."

-----
-----

The next morning Cillian nodded at Phyrra as they packed up camp. He wasn't sure what she was going to say to Desire or how Desire would react. But he wasn't lying that the women in his life seemed to have their shit together much more than he did. He'd wait on some indication from Phyrra.

~~~~~

Vuduin had noticed the shift in how Siora and Cillian were interacting. Still, he figured it wasn't his place to make any remark. The longer it went on, it seemed more... distant. Not in a cold or cruel way. The whole situation was so messy and fraught, he was trying his best to keep his distance. Sleeping with Desire had probably made things messier. But he didn't feel bad about it. He'd waited long enough, and it was time he moved on.

Desire had done quite a bit to boost his confidence. He'd find someone who would appreciate him, and also thanks to Desire, he wouldn't embarrass himself.

 

[haremfaery]

Phyrra and Desire took down their tent and rolled it up to put on one of the horses. "Desire ...?"

"Hmm?" She looked up at the elf. Now what?

"If I were to tell you that Cillian was still in love with you and trying to find a way to be with you ... Would you be ... open to that?" She spoke quietly so as not to draw attention to them.

Desire made a spitting motion. "Cillian needs to make up his fucking mind. He wants me, he wants her, he doesn't want her ..."

Phyrra huffed. "He's trying to find a way to leave her without her losing her standing. He wants to be with you. But if you don't want him--he's leaving her anyway. He just needs to find the way to do it. Could you ... Do you think you could just ... talk to him? Without killing him, I mean."

Desire sighed. "Fine. But I can't guarantee anything if he acts like an ass."

"Guess that's the best I can hope for."

Phyrra walked over to Cillian's horse on the pretext of checking on the mare. "She said she'll talk to you. Don't fuck it up."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

As they rode, Cillian wondered when would be the best time to talk to Desire. When they broke for a noonday meal, it seemed too public, like having this conversation is the daylight meant being in full view of everyone when Desire slapped him or burnt him to a crisp.

Even as he tried not to look at her, not wanting her to think he was ready to talk to her, he was failing. He'd look away, but he was sure she saw him staring. This almost felt harder than when he was hopeless. It's hard to disappoint when you expect everything to go to shit. But now that there might be a chance to fix things between them, he could already feel the sting of disappointment like a poisoned dagger resting at his throat.

When they made camp that evening, Cillian barely ate the evening meal, even though Phyrra could do amazing things with rations and the bounty of the forest they passed through. He worried that if he did, the knots his stomach was tied in would force it all up. He waited until things had quieted down before approaching Desire and asked, "Would you like to go for a walk?"

Tarron stared daggers at them, but that was the least of Cillian's concerns.

 

[haremfaery]

Tarron stared daggers at Cillian and Desire. What was Cillian up to now? Tarron was angry at what Cillian had done to Siora, angry that he had returned, angry that he had such an amazing bedmate as Desire. Angry that is was looking like the bastard might just be able to juggle the two of them.

He was angry at Desire as well. Angry that she had fucked him and left him. For Vuiduin of all people. She had been right, it was the best fuck of his life and he wanted more. He didn't want to be her revenge fuck. He wanted to be the one she ran to because she liked it. He wanted to find out all the ways she could make him come, and all the ways he could return the favor. And damn the demon-blooded whore, he wanted to know her as a person. She fascinated him in a way no other woman had.

Damn them both.

~~~~~~

Desire knew Cillian was watching her. She felt his eyes on her all through the mid-day meal. She spent the meal thinking about what Phyrra had said, so when he asked her to walk with him, she stood up and went with him.

"Phyrra said you wanted to talk. I promised her I wouldn't hurt you."

~~~~~~

Vuduin took the advantage of Cillian and Desire leaving to help Siora clean up the camp. He wasn't blind. He knew things weren't as they were between Siora and Cillian. While he was prepared to move on, he still wanted to be there for Siora. "I, um, noticed things seem to be a little different between you and Cillian. I don't mean to meddle, but if you need someone to talk to ..." He let it hang there.

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

Cillian looked at Desire.

"It's not like I don't deserve a good ass-kicking," he said as he led her away from camp. There was a moment where he was silent as he walked, staring at his feet. "I guess I need to start by saying I'm sorry. I... I should have told you sooner. Phyrra gave me a version of what I could have said that would have been fifteen seconds. But she's smarter than me. And a lot more straight forward. I waited for the perfect opportunity once I realized we were more than just conditional allies, but by then, I thought the trust was too fragile. So instead, I waited too long, and we ended up here."

"I keep telling everyone I wish I never left, but that's not entirely true. I know you're shocked that I'm not completely honest. I wish I hadn't hurt them, but I wouldn't have met you if I hadn't left. And I... I want to have met you. Even if I've irreparably fucked this all up. I have never been happier than when I was you, even with the constant threat of death. And... I want that back."

Cillian let out a long breath.

"But... I know I hurt you, but... why Tarron? You could have fucked your way through nearly the rest of the manor house, and I'd find it easier to forgive and forget. That... that hurt—a lot. In every way, he's our father's son. I've said my piece. Do with it what you will."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

(Posted on behalf of haremfaery)

Desire listened to Cillian. A few times, she began to interrupt but checked herself. She should hear everything he had to say.

She had to admit, it was a good apology. It lifted her heart when he said he was happy that he met her and wanted that back. Until he mentioned Tarron.

"Apology accepted. I'd like that happiness back, too." She walked in silence for a moment.

"As for Tarron ... I was so angry. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me. He was there, and he was convenient. I only fucked him once if that's a consolation. He turned out to be a bigger ass than you could ever be."

She didn't know if they'd be able to get back to where they had been. There had been so much distrust between them. There was so much distrust now. Could they ever get past that? And this didn't simply involve them.

"what about Siora? I can tell the two of you aren't trying like you were before. Have you come to an understanding? Where do we go from here?"

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

"He turned out to be a bigger ass than you could ever be."

As soon as Desire said it, Cillian snorted.

"Tough competition, but he manages."

He didn't know if he could ever move past that. He wanted to try. It was a moment of anger. He'd had his own, and then he bedded Siora. But Siora wasn't Desire's sister who had tormented her growing up. But holding on to something like that would have to work on himself. She apologized. What else could he expect of her?

"Siora and I did try. I... took her initially out of anger, but then it seemed like you were done with me. I figured it was worth a shot. But... we just aren't compatible. I didn't want to do to her what my father did to Kythaela. But while I wasn't taking you to bed, she wasn't who I was thinking of. I was ready to be miserable. Phyrra and Siora both thought that was a stupid idea. So... we are both trying to figure a way out of this mess. Until then... if we start again, I don't want you to feel like just the mistress."

~~~~~

The moment it took Siora to answer Vuduin's question felt like an eternity.

 

[haremfaery]

"I was the mistress before and didn't even know it." She said softly. "At least now I know what I'm getting into--what I might be gettting into." She sighed. "Beshaba's Tits, Cillian. If only you had told me." She took a long breath. "I wouldn't have cared if I was your mistress. I've been much worse to men who were much much worse."

She leaned against a tree. "So ... What do we do? Start over? We're at an impasse. You don't want to divorce Siora because she'd lose her standing. You don't want to take a mistress because that would hurt her. Short of running away again--I don't see an answer."

"And I need some time, Cillian.

~~~~~~

Siora put her hand on Vuduin's arm and smiled up at him. "You have always been someone I could talk to. You have always been there for me. I don't know how I would have gotten through those early years without your quiet concern. Thank you."

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

"I think Siora and I have come to an understanding. It's not likely to break her heart if she's not actually in love with me, and she knows that I'm not trying to do something behind her back. And I understand you need time. I need time. There's a lot to fix, and it's not easy. We're not trusting people, and that makes things hard. It'll take work and time. I'm not looking to throw you to the ground and have my wicked way with you right away."

Though Cillian would undoubtedly take the opportunity if it presented itself.

"I just... I'm glad Phyrra is such annoying little shit. I don't know if I would have thought I had another chance to even talk to you about forgiveness. If it's going to take time, it seems like we should get started sooner, doesn't it?"

~~~~~

Vuduin looked Siora without the same filter of forlorn love. He'd let that idea go. He was okay with just being there, and then when they got back home, he'd continue to be there for her, but he'd let someone else occupy that place in his heart that he held for her.

"I've always kept what we say in confidence, so you don't need to fear and other friendships I have. I just want to make sure you are okay. Things... changed between you and Cillian. Are you okay? Did he do something?" Vuduin cracked a smile. "Do I need to go kick his ass?"

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

(Posted on behalf of haremfaery)

Desire thought she wouldn’t mind if Cillian had his wicked way with her. Vuduin was nice. But with Cillian ... they were consumed with each other. They never had enough. It was an obsession. No other man made her feel the way Cillian did. It wasn’t just the mind-shattering sex. Cillian made her feel like she was the only woman in the world. The only woman in the world for him. And she felt the same way. Maybe it was a lie. She preferred to think it was the one true thing about him. About both of them.

“So ... we’re at least colleagues again? No more glaring at each other around the fire. No more avoiding each other. I’ve never been one to hold into anger. It makes you stupid. You and I both know we can’t afford to be stupid. Maybe we can find a way back to each other.” She took his hand and squeezed it. She stood close to him but not that close.

Her throat felt raw. Beshaba’s Tits, she was not going to cry. That was something else she couldn’t afford to do.

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

"We both want to see the Empire beaten back if not dismantled. Slavers, the way they attack my people and treat yours, all of it. We could tear it down and maybe end this senseless conflict that was started before either you or I were born. I think we can work towards that without issue and... everything else... we can figure out at some point. How about allies?" Cillian offered. "Like when we met, with just a little more trust."

Cillian thought back to meeting her in the dungeon. He needed her as a very tempting distraction because he knew she was both tempting and distracting. He was not immune to her charms, and that had been the seed of their first distrust. They were allies of convenience at first, and even as allies, they'd fucked, and it had been spectacular.

Cillian seized her wrist to stop her and then turned to face her.

"Desire, we didn't trust each other when we first met. We have more trust now, right? So why... oh fuck it—"

He pulled her in for a kiss, hoping he wasn't about to be burned alive.