Committed couples who decided to live with sexual problems.

[ABN_Ranger]

You guys are so friggin' absurd. Sex is one of the major reasons for taking a relation for life. Be married for the rest of your life to someone you don't have sex with? Why not just be best friends? Self-centered? If anything is self-centered it's sacrificing your desire to give (and receive) the ultimate gift of yourself with your spouse. To know my wife would not want me in a sexual way would be devastating! Do you really think you're being fair to either of you to deny this apect of your relationship? And for the REST of your lives?

Sad.

That has got to be the biggest load of bull I have ever heard. Seriously... Where do you get this shit? I think someone needs to reevaluate his perspective... Ergo... Pop your cranial housing unit out of your fourth point of contact, hero! Number one... my wife and I have on helluva health sex life, we just had some problems, But was I ready to pops smoke and bail on the woman I LOVE unconditionaly? HELL NO! Ya know... I'm being way too PG in this reply... why you may ask? I have no friggen clue. Sex is great... but it NOT one of the major reasons for taking a relation for life skippy. People had relations all through out history without once involving sex, I think they were call Knights or something. I'm not saying all knights didn't have sex, that would be a lie. But lots of them pledged themselves to a Lady and never even touched her. I think that was called chivalry, oh and honor... both ideals that are severly lacking in this day and age. If my wife for some unexplainable reason decided not to have sex anymore, would I divorce her? No... Why? Because I love her unconditionaly. And from your posts it sounds to me like you place sex as a condition to love. So why not go downtown and just start paying for it? So try this sparky... try putting more emphisis on love and less on sex and you just MIGHT have a valuable opinion that people will want to hear. Until then... I'm pulling your talking card, shut your man-pleaser, let the grown-ups talk, shut-up and color... hell insert any of those nifty phrases for "Keep yer friggen mouth shut!" here and we'll all be happier.


J

 

[midwestyankee]

That has got to be the biggest load of bull I have ever heard. Seriously... Where do you get this shit? I think someone needs to reevaluate his perspective... Ergo... Pop your cranial housing unit out of your fourth point of contact, hero! Number one... my wife and I have on helluva health sex life, we just had some problems, But was I ready to pops smoke and bail on the woman I LOVE unconditionaly? HELL NO! Ya know... I'm being way too PG in this reply... why you may ask? I have no friggen clue. Sex is great... but it NOT one of the major reasons for taking a relation for life skippy. People had relations all through out history without once involving sex, I think they were call Knights or something. I'm not saying all knights didn't have sex, that would be a lie. But lots of them pledged themselves to a Lady and never even touched her. I think that was called chivalry, oh and honor... both ideals that are severly lacking in this day and age. If my wife for some unexplainable reason decided not to have sex anymore, would I divorce her? No... Why? Because I love her unconditionaly. And from your posts it sounds to me like you place sex as a condition to love. So why not go downtown and just start paying for it? So try this sparky... try putting more emphisis on love and less on sex and you just MIGHT have a valuable opinion that people will want to hear. Until then... I'm pulling your talking card, shut your man-pleaser, let the grown-ups talk, shut-up and color... hell insert any of those nifty phrases for "Keep yer friggen mouth shut!" here and we'll all be happier.


J

ABN, you might want to try a little less subtlety next time, just to make sure he gets it.

Some people just don't have a clue what life, love, and relationships are all about. Sheesh.

 

[freddyandeddy]

I'm not trying to pick a fight either. I did not say walk away completely. You can still maintain a lifelong, deep friendship with this person. Love does not mean you deny yourselves all you can get from life. Love eachother by all means, but love yourselves enough to find relationships that fulfill you in ALL ways.

And Ranger, I take it from your rant that you want to go back to the days of Chivalry, right? You want to love a woman you've never seen and be like a Knight? Sorry, dude, YOU'RE the one without a clue. Love "unconditionally?" There is no such thing. Having a few problems sexually is far different from accepting a lifelong marriage/commitment devoid of sex. These are called "friendships." Why do you think there are standards for divorce that include lack of sex? That's right, actual LAWS governing marital responsibilities. I'm NOT saying you can't be in love with whomever you wish; but, to be married and not have sex is simply NOT normal, no matter how fairy tale you think this is.

 

[catsr2wild]

I'm not trying to pick a fight either. I did not say walk away completely. You can still maintain a lifelong, deep friendship with this person. Love does not mean you deny yourselves all you can get from life. Love eachother by all means, but love yourselves enough to find relationships that fulfill you in ALL ways.

And Ranger, I take it from your rant that you want to go back to the days of Chivalry, right? You want to love a woman you've never seen and be like a Knight? Sorry, dude, YOU'RE the one without a clue. Love "unconditionally?" There is no such thing. Having a few problems sexually is far different from accepting a lifelong marriage/commitment devoid of sex. These are called "friendships." Why do you think there are standards for divorce that include lack of sex? That's right, actual LAWS governing marital responsibilities. I'm NOT saying you can't be in love with whomever you wish; but, to be married and not have sex is simply NOT normal, no matter how fairy tale you think this is.

TO be married and not have sex may be a lot more normal than you think. I thought that was how this thread started. People that have a commitment to each other and remain together despite sexual situations including not having sex....there are people who make it work and how they make it work was what we started talking about right?

 

[Mskey]

Ok freddy...you meet a woman and fall in love. This woman is a friggin goddess! Beatuiful ,sexual, intelligent, everything you could have ever hoped for and more. The proverbial " one" we're all looking for. You marry and make a great life together, fuck like bunnies in the springtime, enjoy each other often and fully and then one day, this womans libido begins to flag. She's still smart as a tack, beautiful, intelligent. Still more fun to hang out with then anyone you've known, still turns your heart on with her smile, but she no longer has a sex drive equal to your own. You're telling me that you would up and walk away from this woman and the life that you have built together simply because her vagina is no longer an active partner in the relationship? Jesus man do you put your dog down if he quits doing tricks too?
I'm sorry but that's a load of crap. A marriage is a friendship, and yes one of the benefits is that the person you get to enjoy intimacy with is also your friend. To walk away from that person, to cast them aside simply over a lack of libido is juvenile. If you want a sexual partner who will always be turned on when you are then get yourself a call girl because spouses don't work that way.

Now to the question at hand...
Ang, god your initial post sounded so much like what my husband and I are going through now. He's always had a very high sex drive, and mine has never equaled his but in the past I've been able to keep up. A few years ago my libido began to wane a bit. Nothing alarming, I just wasn't actively turned on as much as I used to be. We would still have sex, just not as often. Then I began to notice some pain after sex. I unconciously began withdrawing from sex more and more after this until I finally was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had surgery done to remove most of it but by then I had begun to associate sex with pain and couldn't psychologically bring myself to enjoy it no matter what I tried. Couple that with the fact that we were working opposing schedules so that one of us was always home for our kids and that one of my jobs was 3rd shift which left me to damn tired to think of sex even on the days when I was able to enjoy it.

My husband who understood that it was causing me physical pain and I was usually to exhausted to have sex wasn't pushing the issue either, but he was still wanting sexual pleasure and he turned to alternate sources for it, such as the wonderful world of internet porn. I didn't have a problem with the fact that he enjoyed a little porno, hell I've enjoyed some myself on occassion, but it really bothered me that it had become my substitute. I dunno why but I felt somehow cheapened when I discovered that my ability to arouse him had been replaced by random pornographic images. It wasn't to long before that turned into his sexual gratification of choice. It was in all honesty alot easier then going through the walking on eggshells sex of " are you ok?" " let me know if I'm hurting you" then wait for me to fake an orgasm so it would be over sex we seemed to be having.
I didn't talk to him about it because I felt that if he was able to so quickly turn to other means of gratification he must not have really care if it was me or his hand that got him off. He didn't talk to me about it because he knew I wasn't being a bitch and " holding out" but rather that there was a very real physical and psychological hurdle for me where sex was concerned and he didn't want to come off sounding like some horny adoloescent, whining for me to give it up. We didn't talk and the problem eventually came to a boiling point- see knock down drag out screaming match- where we were forced to either discuss the problem and deal with it or go our seperate ways.

We're working on things now, trying to find a happy medium, but it's still a work in progress. I am having to learn to understand that his internet adventures aren't in preference to intimacy with me. He is learning that my association of sex with pain is still a big hurdle and that my not wanting sex doesn't mean I find him any less desireable. It's hard some days but we're committed to our life together and couldn't think of being without each other even if the sex dried up totally. Our marriage is more then sex but we're not so stupid as to say a lack of sexually compatability within it won't cause some problems, we just have to work on those problems together.

 

[jasmine8316]

I am one of those women who can't sleep with my husband. Everytime I try I end up in tears mid way through. Really sexy hey? It's not that I am not interested in sex. If I wasn't I wouldn't have sought out this place. He's never been good in bed, but we used to have sex about twice a week. I just can't for some reason. I kind of get the whole, you can't relive these years ever again. If you aren't happy than go.

I love my husband, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. With him thinking I am in love with him I can't have sex with him. I find that a bigger betrayal. My point is that think each person has to make the decision if they need to leave or not. You don't want to turn 80 and realize that you just wasted your life with someone that doesn't work for you. If you have enough to sustain the relationship without sex and you both find it acceptable than go for it. I just can't imagine living this way the rest of my life.

 

[ReadyOne]

TO be married and not have sex may be a lot more normal than you think. I thought that was how this thread started. People that have a commitment to each other and remain together despite sexual situations including not having sex....there are people who make it work and how they make it work was what we started talking about right?

Yes, catsr2wild, that's exactly what was in my mind when I posed the question.

As I expected, there's a lot of pain and problems, no magic solutions, and so very few couples seem to find a point of equilibrium which leaves them reasonably happy (or at least not terribly unhappy!)

Still, any insight can be helpful. Please don't let philosophy get in the way of discussing the practical.

 

[catsr2wild]

Everybody does have a different story and everybody has to make that decision but as has been pointed out there are alternate methods of pleasure. I know my husband looks at porn, but so do I and I have even sent him to the local strip joint upon occasion but I do this because no matter what he comes home to me. Same with me, he encourages me to go out and he encourages me to do what feels good, as long as I come home to him. I love it this way and so does he. Our souls don't feel complete without each other. By the way, we do practice safe sex, its one of our rules for each other....one of several. Whether we are together or with someone else.

Ready, i hope you find a solution that works for you.

 

[Bobmi357]

You guys are so friggin' absurd. Sex is one of the major reasons for taking a relation for life. Be married for the rest of your life to someone you don't have sex with? Why not just be best friends? Self-centered? If anything is self-centered it's sacrificing your desire to give (and receive) the ultimate gift of yourself with your spouse. To know my wife would not want me in a sexual way would be devastating! Do you really think you're being fair to either of you to deny this apect of your relationship? And for the REST of your lives?

Sad.

I am going to agree with this, but only partially. And before anyone decides to jump down my throat, lets take a closer look at two "typical" cases of sexual deprivation in a marriage. (Yes abn, I know you hate the word typical, but it ain't aimed at you).

-------------------------------------------

Typical case without good communications:

Joe and Mary get married. Have a great sex life for a number of years. Then for no apparent reason Joe starts lengthening the interval between sex. He's just had his annual physical, so we know there is nothing wrong. This goes on for a while until Mary wakes up and notices that they've gone from 5-6 time a week to once a month. She knows he's not playing around on the outside. And when they do have sex, its pretty good, he just isn't in the mood as much anymore.

Now they are both nice 30 somethings, fairly young, but Mary is confused by Joe's reaction. When queried about it, she gets non-explanatory one sentence answers "Like I'm just not in the mood", or "I'm too tired".

Mary Thinks:
Maybe I'm not attractive to him anymore?

Joe thinks:
I wish she'd just drop the subject! I don't know why I'm not horny.

Mary tries to initiate sex more often, something that she previously always relied on Joe to do. Each rebuff hurts her more and more. Meanwhile Joe is starting to think up excuses as to why he isn't in the mood.

In desperation Mary tries new things, lingerie, fetishes and starts masturbating more frequently as she is denied what her partner is supposed to want to give her. Mary also for the first time in her marriage starts to notice, really notice, other guys, but she's determined to stay within the confines of the marriage.

Nothing she says or does seems to ignite a spark in Joe. His fire seems to have been snuffed permanently. On the other hand Joe is still a nice guy, they don't fight, he is sincerely concerned about the kids, he helps out around the house etc...

Now Mary is in a predicament. Her hurt is slowly turning into resentment and anger. She's finding it hard to maintain a civil tongue and she's looking for flaws to pick at. Things that used to not bother her, now do. She and Joe used to laugh about his losing the remote, or not putting down the toilet seat. Now they annoy her further.

On Joe's part, he can't understand why Mary seems so bitchy lately. He knows something isn't quite right, but he isn't doing anything wrong as far as he knows. Oh sure Mary complained about the sex business a for a while, but that was months ago. He still loves her deeply and thinks he's done everything he can to make her happy. So what could possibly be wrong?

As Mary's attitude starts to get worse, Joe finds himself more and more on the defensive. Now he's feeling hurt and angry also. Both of them start doing things to avoid interacting with each other. This continues for a year or two, or three until one day one of them suddenly announces that they are leaving and filing for a divorce.

-------------------------------------------

Typical case with good communications:
(Now lets just reverse roles here and try this again).

Joe and Mary are married, a pair of 30 somethings with a couple of kids. Typical family unit with no major physical or health issues.

One day Joe notices that Mary has been rebuffing his advances for sex more than usual, and they are now down to once a month. Joe's hurt by this and doesn't understand whats going on. Not wanting to make a big deal about it, Joe allows the situation to continue without complaint for a while. A while, turns into a few months, meanwhile Joe's hurt continues to build, a few months might turn into a year. Finally Joe is ready to burst.

Joe and Mary sit down one evening and Joe starts by asking Mary whats wrong, why is she turning him down so much? Mary says she doesn't know, and her last checkup was good. So Joe bites the bullet and asks the dreaded question that every spouse is afraid to ask their partner. "Aren't I attractive to anymore?". Mary is shocked by the question and her mind races frantically in a dozen directions at once. She realizes that (a) something is really wrong for him to be even asking that, and (b) somehow she has given him that impression. Joe follows up by explaining how much he's been hurt by her rebuffing him, how her rebuffs have caused him to question his own worth as a sexual person.

Mary can see he's surpressing anger just by the way his hands tremble while he's speaking. He's trying hide to explain that he thinks what she is doing is hurting him and hurting the relationship, but she can also see its hurt him enough to build up anger even if he's not vocalizing it.

Now Mary truly does love Joe and wants nothing more than spending the rest of her life with Joe. But she's also smart enough to know that something she's done has put up a barrier between them, a barrier that she has to knock down.

The conversation continues for quite some time, but it ends with Joe agreeing to help Mary with her problem, and Mary agreeing to try harder. Perhaps even they make love after that, not wild crazy sex, but the soft luxurious love making of two people with deep emotional attachments to each other, the very act reaffirming their commitment to one another.

This won't be the last of their conversations, nor is the problem resolved. But now its out in the open and both parties have agreed that (a) its important to both of them, and (b) they will work together to find some mutally acceptable middle ground.

-------------------------------------------

Sex is important in a relationship, but without good communications, you might as well be roomates and not married lovers. If there isn't good communications, its impossible to keep the essence of love alive.

I've lived through the first case once and am living through the second one now. I can't really put myself into the head of the spouse that doesn't want the sex. But I know exactly what the other spouse thinks because I've gone through it and am going through it.

The principle difference between the first and the second boils down to a lack of an ability on one or both partners to communicate. Its not easy being the spouse of someone that has gone from a well matched libido to one that is grossly mismatched. You end up questioning your own self-worth, your ability to be attractive to your mate, your ability to turn her on etc. You find yourself descending into a vicious cycle that can ruin if not destroy your relationship, and unless both parties take an active role in trying to break the cycle, it will destroy it.

As you can see from the first case, sex might not be the most important thing in a relationship, but it can trigger off a whole host of other problems. Its like a tiny snowball, getting pushed down the mountainside full of snow, or a row of dominos.

Unlike so many other marital problems, kids, money, bills etc. Sex is one of the few that attacks at the very core of who and what we are. Your spouse knows how to hurt you emotionally in the most painful ways possible, and sex is probably the worst of them. Even without realizing it, a spouse's drop in libido, can cause the other spouse a lot of pain.

I won't say that living with a spouse who has a low libido is easy even with good communications, because it isn't. But without good communications it quickly becomes intolerable.

So I will, partially agree with the poster that sex is important. Its certainly not a reason worth marrying over. And its not the only thing one should look for in a partner, but it can lead to a disaster in a relationship if the sex goes bad and the partners are unable to communicate well enough to resolve the problem.

 

[Ylvie]

Bobmi, you are wise.

*subscribes as fan*

 

[catsr2wild]

I agree that communication is very important but I didn't get the impression that was what was being said, I could be wrong. The impression I got was if there was no sex just dump the other person and move on. All I'm saying is sex should not be the most important factor in a relationship, any relationship.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

I'm not trying to pick a fight either. I did not say walk away completely. You can still maintain a lifelong, deep friendship with this person. Love does not mean you deny yourselves all you can get from life. Love eachother by all means, but love yourselves enough to find relationships that fulfill you in ALL ways.

And Ranger, I take it from your rant that you want to go back to the days of Chivalry, right? You want to love a woman you've never seen and be like a Knight? Sorry, dude, YOU'RE the one without a clue. Love "unconditionally?" There is no such thing. Having a few problems sexually is far different from accepting a lifelong marriage/commitment devoid of sex. These are called "friendships." Why do you think there are standards for divorce that include lack of sex? That's right, actual LAWS governing marital responsibilities. I'm NOT saying you can't be in love with whomever you wish; but, to be married and not have sex is simply NOT normal, no matter how fairy tale you think this is.

At no point did I say I wanted to be like a knight. There is no way in hell I have what it takes to be one... not PC enough, very vindictive and way too bloodthirsty. And believe it or not junior... I have more of a clue than most people. And yes there is such a thing as unconditional love. Ya just have to be smart enough to realize it. I could give a shit less it you can get a divorce for not having sex. If that's the case, you never should have gotten married in the first place. I got divorced because we were better friends than we were husband and wife, sex was great... but we hated each other as a married couple, we get along better now than we ever did. I've only been married to my outstanding wife for three years now and would I divorce her for ANY reason what so ever? Not a chance in hell, I love her, no matter what... no strings attached. Anyone who thinks I'm just saying that... you have no idea what you're talking about... only two people on here know me well enough to judge me like that. And I know for a fact that there is NO question in their minds at all about whether my love for my wife is unconditional or not. If you have any doubts, ask them.

J

 

[ABN_Ranger]

ABN, you might want to try a little less subtlety next time, just to make sure he gets it.

Some people just don't have a clue what life, love, and relationships are all about. Sheesh.

Hell man, I'm a Ranger... our idea of subtlety is using a flame thrower to light candles on a birthday cake.


J

 

[catsr2wild]

Hell man, I'm a Ranger... our idea of subtlety is using a flame thrower to light candles on a birthday cake.


J

That may be too subtle for some folks yet
I am on my third marriage and for the first time I feel the power of unconditional love. FYI, the first marriage was due to a child, he still is one, The second, we were too different, we too are better friends than partners. Also, the 2nd one wasn't legal, but that is a whole new thread for discussion.

 

[freddyandeddy]

To Jasmine,

Get professional help. If that doesn't work, get the hell out WELL before you turn 80.

To Mskey,

Your problem is very typical, actually, and I wish you all the best in working it out together. The key phrase here is "working it out together," as it seems you're not resigned to the original premise of this discussion. That is, couples who've decided to forgo their sex lives and the implication that this is somehow normal or even noble (in Ranger's head, anyway). As I stated, I've been involved in an amazing marriage for 15 years with someone with whom I experienced love at first sight - literally. Would I simply pack up and leave if things were not working out sexually? Hell no! However, if we experienced sexual problems and had exhausted every attempt to make them better, then, well, yes I'd leave and offer my friendship. Sexuality is manifested in so many ways, from holding hands to those lustful glances to the tone of voices in phonecalls. This is important to being a healthy couple.

To Ranger,

I am extremely happy you've found someone you feel so strongly about. I found the same thing many years ago and continue to reap the benefits of my good fortune. However, I'm not so naive as to think this situation will go on forever (as much as I desire it to). Life is a long journey and people, situations, and environments change. To say you have unconditional love is not being realistic. Of course there are conditions! We all have responsibilities to uphold in ALL our relationships that contribute to lasting love. To say "unconditional" is to say that a woman being beaten by her husband must stay and take it; it is to say that a cheating spouse's infidelity should be ignored and forgiven no matter what the reason; it is to say that a lifetime of sexual deprivation is OK. Sorry, I don't buy this.

Catsrwild,

Here's hoping "third time's a charm," girl! Just learn from your past and apply it to your future.

Bobmi357,

I could not say this better. Your two situations are well written and very realistic. In the first case, it will take a great deal of communication to work things out (probably professional help is in order) and in the second, the situation can be repaired over time. I would only say that this is not applicable to this topic; what do you do in the case that people just decide to chuck the whole thing and live in denial for the rest of their lives and actually wear that as some badge of honor?

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Ok... one more time for the slow people. I mearly pointed out that centuries ago there was the whole no sex thing. And as for you saying you wouldn't pick up and leave if things were not working sexually. Bull! You're telling others to do it, so what's to say you wouldn't? And you're NOT encouraging communication. You're telling people to cut out and run. This the kind of general advice you give your students? Cause if it is, do us a favor and retire. And me? Naive? I'm anything but naive. And here's another one to wrap your brain around. A monk or say a priest takes a vow of celebacy... does that make them any less whole than those of us who have healthy sex lives?

J

 

[freddyandeddy]

A monk or a priest who takes an oath of celebacy is as misguided as a couple in a marriage without sex. Without engaging you in long-winded debate about religion, it is completely idiotic to take this oath. In fact, I'd argue that given the frequency of molestations and transgressions among this sect you may want to stear clear of this argument as it hurts your case more than it helps.

Like I said, you obviously have learned more in your, um, two marriages than I've learned in my one. I have yet to "cut and run," eh?

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

 

[ABN_Ranger]

So... One question, was your joke supposed to make me mad? Cause if it was... Uh, read it again jo-jo. It slams the Marines harder than it slams Rangers. And it's no good trying to make jokes about Rangers... we do that ourselves, I got all my best "Dumb Ranger" jokes form.... yup you guessed it Rangers.

Care to try again?

 

[freddyandeddy]

I'd much rather hear you expound more on the virtues of monks and priests. I'm anxious to hear more about how much more enlightened they are without sex. You're actually on topic, as they definitely contitute a portion of the sexually dysfunctional.

 

[SexToyJenn]

Some insight....

And as for you saying you wouldn't pick up and leave if things were not working sexually. Bull! You're telling others to do it, so what's to say you wouldn't? And you're NOT encouraging communication. You're telling people to cut out and run. This the kind of general advice you give your students? J

I've been lurking on this site... and this thread got me to finally register and give my $.02...

I was in a virtually sexless marraige for almost 8 years ... and finally left it, not specifically because I wanted sex, but because I needed the physical intimacy that should be part of a life-long partnership.

Begging for sex (which was what I had to do the last 3 years of my relationship) isn't healthy for anyone involved. Knowing that each of us were masturbating separately wasn't a solution... it was an avoidance of our issues... namely, that we were better friends than lovers, and should be just that.

FreddyandEddy might be brash, but he's right... if you don't have all of the elements of a marraige, call it what it is... a friendship... and go on. It's a hard truth... but sex (which leads to intimacy) is part of marriage. Without it, or communication, or things in common, staying married and calling it healthy is living a lie.

Sorry to be brash, but I've been there. Now, out of the relationship for 5 years, I'm sad that my marriage is over (because things didn't stay as they were when we started), but happy that we're both on the paths that we should be on... apart.

 

[James G 5]

I'm not trying to pick a fight either. I did not say walk away completely. You can still maintain a lifelong, deep friendship with this person. Love does not mean you deny yourselves all you can get from life. Love eachother by all means, but love yourselves enough to find relationships that fulfill you in ALL ways.

Uhm...

I know I'm going to take major shit for this, but...

Sorry folks. Life isn't a fairy tale and is far too short. The best solution is the simplest; break it off and find a sexually satisfying relationship. There are no awards given out for tenacity. And, no, you're not a better or stronger person because you choose to put up with lack of sexual satisfaction.

If you've got kids and are worried about what splitting up will do to them, then you're clueless and don't see what NOT going separate ways does.

Well, in general if you just "break it off" like that, and walk away and have kids, it would work out to "walking away completely" and preclude any friendship
And since love & relationships are about more than JUST sexual satisaction, I would imagine they should be able to survive brief periods without it as long as the partners acknowledge there's an issue & are willing to work on it

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: Some insight....

I've been lurking on this site... and this thread got me to finally register and give my $.02...

I was in a virtually sexless marraige for almost 8 years ... and finally left it, not specifically because I wanted sex, but because I needed the physical intimacy that should be part of a life-long partnership.

Begging for sex (which was what I had to do the last 3 years of my relationship) isn't healthy for anyone involved. Knowing that each of us were masturbating separately wasn't a solution... it was an avoidance of our issues... namely, that we were better friends than lovers, and should be just that.

BINGO!

Begging for some sort of intimacy or sex . Man that hit home for it describes to a T the last years of my first marriage. It was degrading, demeaning and dehumanizing.

What got me to start talking, really talking, with my second wife about the problem was the realization that I was coming close to repeating that pattern again. I won't go through that, ever, again.

I guess I got lucky in as much as I married a smart woman capable of seeing my point of view even if hers still escapes me to a point. In any event its allowed us to address and work on the problem.

 

[Spenser41]

Sad

This started to be a good thread but then it turned into name calling and angry words. Hope this gets better or someone else starts another tread. We need to hear from real people with real issues who share what they are doing to make it work. At least that is what I thought this tread was all about.

 

[ReadyOne]

Re: Sad

This started to be a good thread but then it turned into name calling and angry words. Hope this gets better or someone else starts another tread. We need to hear from real people with real issues who share what they are doing to make it work. At least that is what I thought this tread was all about.

Amen.

Of course I have no choice but to hold still for the hijackers.

 

[catsr2wild]

Re: Sad

This started to be a good thread but then it turned into name calling and angry words. Hope this gets better or someone else starts another tread. We need to hear from real people with real issues who share what they are doing to make it work. At least that is what I thought this tread was all about.

Thank you Spenser! I believe I mentioned that once before also. I really hate to think that people are so cold in this world they can't be open enough to look at another persons point of view. So if some of us are more dedicated to their spouse, come what may or may not, it still ends up being the decision of the 2 people involved and it still comes back to communication. Now I think I'll just lurk for awhile and see if things calm down any.