Committed couples who decided to live with sexual problems.

[freddyandeddy]

Not so much antagonism as trying to inject some harsh reality into the fairytale - ization (for lack of a better term) of everything to the point where living with the problem the rest of your life is somehow noble or desireable based on the good outweighing the bad.

I don't for one minute doubt your sincerity and commitment. It's very clear - perhaps even admirable. What I do doubt is that masturbating together and having the vcr tape popped in is going to be enough to tackle the long haul without some bitterness and regret. It remains that you desire sex more than she does and have decided to live with it. All I'm saying is that it's living a lie (which is not necessarily a negative) and I myself would not do it. It would either have to change, show promise of changing, or show willingness to seek professional help. If that makes me less of a standup and moral person than you, so be it. My priorities (at least at this stage of our relationship) are more than sex once or twice a month (I went back this time to make sure I have my facts straight). If it were to drag on like this over 5-10 years, it would no longer be manageable and I'd have to break it off.

 

[ReadyOne]

I give up.

Does anyone think that if I started a new thread asking only for stories about how couples who stayed together both adjusted when sexual issues arose?

Or would I just get a lot of "they ought to talk"?

I'm looking for examples of "Sexual issues arose in our marriage, and they didn't get better or they aren't fixable. Here's the way we found to deal with our issues."

Example:

I had to start taking high blood pressure medicine and my doctor and I couldn't find one that was effective without stopping me from keeping an erection. My spouse really likes penile penetration and really missed my not being able to fuck her. I bought an array of toys, and now hold her while I use a dildo. We ignore that fact it's not my flesh inside her as snuggle and I work my artificial tool. I can hit her G-Spot better that way, and I (or the dildo) can last forever, which is great since her sex drive has actually increased as she's gotten older.

Example:

I knew hubby was bi when we married, but we agreed that he'd not see other guys because of the risks involved. We did agree that if the right MFM or MMF came up we would go for it, but we were going to be together if anyone played. There's been a couple that went well, but opportunities are far, far apart.

Eventually he came to me and asked to renegotiate so he could take a lover. He hadn't identified anyone, and from discussion I learned that he really wanted to be taken by a guy more often than once a year.

Now I'm really passive in bed, and he does a fine job leading all the time. After lots of coaxing, he finally got me to start playing with his ass, ramming him with my fingers, and it really got him off.

Then I had an epiphany. We could have sex where I wasn't being made love to, but where I was playing, like in a game. I took it as a challenge to take on the role of a guy, telling myself that it was acting, and that I'd wasn't doing because I was horny or that I wanted him to give me an orgasm.

I made it my project, got on the net, read what I could about guy-guy sex, found the "Bend Over Boyfriend" video, eventually ordered toys online. Now we occasionally play the game of "sex" where I put on my "guy" role, become really assertive, and see what I can do to him. It has nothing to do with me being horny, and everything to do with my loving him.

It works for us so far. I've found we are very slowly moving to some new things like my tying him over the bed and slapping his butt, and I'm interested in where it may lead. And when we're done playing and cleaned up I find I can get easily aroused because our play was so intimate.

Example:

I really wish my marriage included domestic discipline. I found out when I was a teenager that my parents practiced it, and then that my aunts did too. The fact that all mom's sisters found husbands like that should have been a clue to me. And I lived with a guy who believed in it for a while and found that it fit me very well.

The guy I married is perfect for me, except for you know what. I tried introducing it several times. He knows about my family and he knows that I want it. But he says he just can't have a loving relationship with a woman and deliberately turn her over his knee or anything to punish me when I get out of control.

After the honeymoon wore off, we started having money problems because I couldn't control my spending. After an argument about it with him, I'd slack off on the house to try and get even. I wanted him to take control. I knew things were spiraling downward. Finally, I said that if he wouldn't, I'd find someone who could take care of me the way I needed to be taken care of.

Surprisingly, the solution was obvious.

Every Tuesday morning I visit my uncle and I take a list of things I did the previous week along with things I need to get done this week. Often hubby and I will go over the list, but I give it a final tweak before I meet my uncle. Then uncle and I review the list and agree on where I met my goals and where I deliberately screwed up. As warranted, I bend over the bed and slip my jeans down just enough to show my sitter and uncle applies the paddle. This seldom happens, because meeting with him gives me the structure and resolve I need to act the way I know I'm supposed to do.

----

I know the guy in the first example. The last two come from net conversations, which I have rewritten into testimonial form. I can't vouch for them, but the people behind the names seemed real and the discussion sincere.)

 

[CelticFrog]

ReadyOne...
Although I hate to say it, there will always be closed-minded people that think their way is the only way. And so I will support your good idea of just starting another thread, period... even though I expect you'll get the same jerks who will tell you how they think it IS and HAS TO BE and refuse to look at other options, like... oh, say love.

Yes, I'm being snippy. I know that. And I don't care.
If you'd like to hear more about some situations I have been in and also know of, I'd be happy to tell you all about it in PM. Since apparently the fact that some people have more to their marriages than sex is inadmissable here, but backpedaling vigorously is.

My three.
Ang