Depression affecting my relationship

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'm finally realizing that my depression is seriously affecting my romantic relationship. I am doing things (not intentionally) that are almost sabotaging my relationship. The current conflicts we are having have to do with me feeling so terrible about myself and my own issues of depression and lack of self worth.

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

I've been to therapy before. I plan on starting again this week. I'm overwhelmed at the thought because i dont know where to begin?? I dont know what to focus on, how to get at the route of the problem....

I feel like my judgment is cloudy and my brain in general is fuzzy. I have a foggy view of the world right now, so I perceive things in a way that isn't true. I'm jumping to conclusions and assumptions and lashing out and being disrespectful and treating the one person I love more than anything in the world in a horrible way.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, I wasn't treated badly, I had everything I needed, and yet I somehow as an adult feel like I am broken.

Any advice, support, etc would be appreciated.

thanks

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'm too clingy and needy and co-dependent, that's not the person I want to be. I don't like being THAT girl.

 

[SweetErika]

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

In my experience, yes. Working on my issues helps the depression, which improves the relationship AND allows me to work on the relationship.

Has anyone been in this situation before?

Absolutely. Everything you've said sounds very familar.

I've been to therapy before. I plan on starting again this week. I'm overwhelmed at the thought because i dont know where to begin?? I dont know what to focus on, how to get at the route of the problem....

I feel like my judgment is cloudy and my brain in general is fuzzy. I have a foggy view of the world right now, so I perceive things in a way that isn't true. I'm jumping to conclusions and assumptions and lashing out and being disrespectful and treating the one person I love more than anything in the world in a horrible way.

It's great that you've recognized your patterns; I think that's a good part of the battle, at least for me.

What really helps me with these specific patterns is Cognitive Behavior Therapy - identifying and changing the negative thoughts behind the feelings, which changes the feelings and behavior. Basically, it's getting out of the vicious cycle of beating myself up, feeling bad, and rationalizing my decidely irrational thoughts and feelings. My therapy involves a lot of thinking and writing, specifically going through worksheets from my last round of therapy, writing/reading positive affirmations and making lists so I can better sort out and accomplish daily tasks.

So, I'd suggest making sure your therapist has a good grasp of CBT and can guide you through the process. There are some excellent resources for it online if you want to learn more and/or get a head start.

Quoll's Depression, Anxiety Attacks, etc. thread in the HT Cafe is a wealth of information and support as well, if you're interested.

I feel for you and with you!

 

[SecretsOfTheSoul]

Can't offer any advice but I'm in exactly the same situation and it is crap. I have some days where everything is good and I'm happy but the next day I can feel completely different and hollow and I'm horrible to everyone and completely self pitiful. Sorry I can't help but I hope you feel better soon xx

 

[ljiowa]

Another vote here for Cognitive therapy. And, yes, you can (and should) work on yourself and your relationships at the same time; there's really no way to segment parts of your life off for therapeutic purposes anyway. It all plays together.

 

[erodream351]

xxxxx

 

[wickedlady31]

...

I'm finally realizing that my depression is seriously affecting my romantic relationship. I am doing things (not intentionally) that are almost sabotaging my relationship. The current conflicts we are having have to do with me feeling so terrible about myself and my own issues of depression and lack of self worth.

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

I've been to therapy before. I plan on starting again this week. I'm overwhelmed at the thought because i dont know where to begin?? I dont know what to focus on, how to get at the route of the problem....

I feel like my judgment is cloudy and my brain in general is fuzzy. I have a foggy view of the world right now, so I perceive things in a way that isn't true. I'm jumping to conclusions and assumptions and lashing out and being disrespectful and treating the one person I love more than anything in the world in a horrible way.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, I wasn't treated badly, I had everything I needed, and yet I somehow as an adult feel like I am broken.

Any advice, support, etc would be appreciated.

thanks

I was diagnosed as clinically depressed which apparently is hereditary.
It does devestate our loved ones battling our mood swings and behaviors but as long as you show an effort of sympathy....he should be able to understand. YES you can work on your relationship whilst working on yourself.....include him!

 

[Frank Noir]

I'm finally realizing that my depression is seriously affecting my romantic relationship. I am doing things (not intentionally) that are almost sabotaging my relationship. The current conflicts we are having have to do with me feeling so terrible about myself and my own issues of depression and lack of self worth.

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

Sorry if this seems self-evident, but take time to explain to the other person why you act the way you do.

You're obviously aware of your issues and may think that the other person understands what goes on inside your head. But the truth is that to many "outsiders" your behaviour may appear erratic, and a simple explanation can be very helpful.

I suffer from low self-esteem and depressive thought patterns myself. And I'm constantly impressed how understanding my wife is - as long as I bother to explain what makes me act in these sometimes bizarre ways.

 

[DrHappy]

OrgasmicleBunny, you are saying some things that would make me optimistic about you. I've been in a relationship that failed largely because the other person didn't deal well with her depression. People deal with their depression in different ways and it can affect their outcome dramatically. A relationship is more likely to survive if you are able to manage it well and are able to separate the depression (temporarily exaggerated emotions) from the real you.

It's extremely important to recognize how the depression is affecting you. Negative emotions can be exaggerated and small problems can feel large, unbearable, and unsurmountable. Positive emotions can be suppressed. The world can feel like a terrible place when you are depressed. Here are two two examples of how a person can reconcile their feelings.

Bad example: My life is terrible and you are terrible.

Good example: I realize that I have manageable problems in my life, but they feel huge right now. I realize that my life isn't that bad and that it's the depression that makes it feel so bad.

Having said this, your pain is real, whether you are depressed or if your world really is that bad. Both of you in the relationship can acknowledge this without turning your world upside down to cater to the emotions.

You seem to already have a good grasp of these concepts. I hope that I haven't come across condescendingly. I'm rooting for you!

 

[wicked woman]

From the perspective of the other person - who wasn't depressed - I think you've got some good advice here. Just a few more comments based on my experience:

First I think it helps if your partner is committed to your relationship. No matter how much you try and succeed, your depression is difficult on your relationship.

It helps if your partner is empathetic, patient and emotionally mature. Sometimes it's difficult to separate the 'depression' in your actions/words.

As has already been said communication is key. Not having depression, we're not experts. Don't know all the ins and outs of how it affects you...when it affects you. Talk to us even if you don't feel like it...that's when we need to know what you're feeling/thinking the most.

Try your best. No one likes having to put up with the behaviours you mentioned, so when you're able to, don't do them. It will make it easier the rest of the time.

ah yes...and once more...communicate. Let them in as much as you're able.

Good luck...good health.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

If you are a creative type, like with art or writing for example, try getting more into that side of yourself, without censorship or too much interrupting think about what you are creating. It can lead to a good clearing of the mental pipes.

I'm an empathic person and I get stumped every now and then on the emotional side of things, which screws with other stuff in my life that needs attention. It usually works for me.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Thanks everyone for the good advice, I really do appreciate it. Fortunately my boyfriend is very supportive and helpful and very sympathetic.

I'm looking forward to going to therapy and hashing out some issues. I'm not very good at communicating or even understanding my feelings, but I'm feeling confident about things right now, because I am really starting to understand some of the symptoms I have and how they are affecting me.

I realllllly realllllly hate feeling like this and I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better, but right now my world feels cloudy and dull like I'm seeing everything in black and white.

I have no desire to do ANYTHING, it's all I can do to force myself just to go to work, to a job a love, btw. I'm telling myself right now, I only have to do the bare minimum to survive, which at this point, is eat/sleep/work, and if that's all I can bare to do, than so be it. I really don't feel like eating, NOTHING sounds good, I don't really have much of an appetite, except when I go a reallllly long time without food.

It just sucks to be in this place and I'm angry at myself and disgusted with myself.


thanks again for the advice

 

[sirensiren]

Sounds like you're telling yourself negative things. I've had depression too and I've always told myself how bad things are. Forcing yourself to "pretend" to see positive things (even though they're not there, maybe something you wish to happen) helps. The brain can be trained to think differently. It takes a long time but trick those thoughts!

 

[LitEroCat]

What if.....?

....
Good example: I realize that I have manageable problems in my life, but they feel huge right now. I realize that my life isn't that bad and that it's the depression that makes it feel so bad.

What if you've lived a life with these and other positive thoughts?
What if life still sucks and you feel powerless to make the world or yourself any better?
What if no matter what you can do makes any difference at all?
Add to all that being [hopefully] between relationships. How do you even consider looking for someone real, for a new relationship? Despite all you are, what have you got to offer anyone who might care for you? Imagine what THAT personal ad would be.... I can't.

I know someone just like that...

 

[blackphownix]

I'm too clingy and needy and co-dependent, that's not the person I want to be. I don't like being THAT girl.

Changing your personality type is a gargantuan task but moderating it is quite doable and a very worthwhile pursuit, in my experience. A good book related to this is "Grundformen der Angst" by Fritz Riemann - unfortunately, Amazon doesn't seem to know of an English edition so I'm not sure this will be helpful to you.

The book sketches out a typology of personalities based on the prevailing type of fear one experiences. The four main types - schizoid (fear of closeness), depressive (fear of self-reliance), neurotic (fear of change) and hysterical (fear of stasis) - are described in great style with lots of case studies describing and analyzing patterns of behavior. Riemann's typology is considered unsystematic and obsolete by most current therapists but for me the book really provided tons of insight into my own actions and feelings (very useful for a schizoid like me) as well as those of others. A revealing work, at least for me.

 

[Quoll]

Thanks everyone for the good advice, I really do appreciate it. Fortunately my boyfriend is very supportive and helpful and very sympathetic.

I'm looking forward to going to therapy and hashing out some issues. I'm not very good at communicating or even understanding my feelings, but I'm feeling confident about things right now, because I am really starting to understand some of the symptoms I have and how they are affecting me.

What a fabulous outlook you have, I wouldn't worry too much about communication or understanding your feelings, if your therapist is good they will solve this for you, that's their job. If they are not good, don't be afraid to find one that is, you need to have one you can connect with.

I realllllly realllllly hate feeling like this and I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better, but right now my world feels cloudy and dull like I'm seeing everything in black and white.

I have no desire to do ANYTHING, it's all I can do to force myself just to go to work, to a job a love, btw. I'm telling myself right now, I only have to do the bare minimum to survive, which at this point, is eat/sleep/work, and if that's all I can bare to do, than so be it. I really don't feel like eating, NOTHING sounds good, I don't really have much of an appetite, except when I go a reallllly long time without food.

If it's any consolation (actually I know it's not much), but these are classic depression symptoms (yes I know, der, who would have thought) and you can use this knowledge to your advantage, you know these thoughts are not a result of your thinking but are a result of disease NOT YOU. You may not be able to make them go away but it helps knowing they are not your natural thoughts.

It just sucks to be in this place and I'm angry at myself and disgusted with myself.

thanks again for the advice

Oh it doesn't just suck, it sucks big sweaty donkey balls (I'd like to thank some of my American friends for this delightful little saying ).
Why are you angry and disgusted with yourself? You did nothing wrong, it was not your choice to get depression, let's face it anyone who has it knows damn well we don't want it. You're dealing with it one moment at a time if need be, you are seeking help, you are concerned about your partner and your relationship, you have reached out to others for help, frankly I think you are doing an awesome job, those are some of the hardest things to do so congratulations to you.
Don't ever be afraid to come back for support or if you want to get stuff off your chest, there are plenty of us here who really do understand what you are gong through.
Good luck

 

[lady*laura]

Just my two cents worth....depression is a rollercoaster. I've been riding it since 1982. The key is communication yes but also education. Include your partner. Depression sucks bad enough as it is but being with someone who just doesn't get it makes it much worse. I find it helps to acknowledge when I am having a survival mode day to just get through that day. Don't push it- there's always tomorrow.

 

[bobcat533]

book that helped me when I was depressed

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated (Mass Market Paperback)
by David D. Burns (Author) "Depression has been called the world's number one public health problem.

You can find it with Google

Good luck

 

[VFaulkon]

I just want to say, Bunny, I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat myself, and even managing my friendships seems like a hugely daunting task. Imagining myself in a relationship is extremely hard when I have one of my 'off' days.

However, it sounds like you're very self-aware, you're seeking help, and you have a good partner to support you. On top of that, a lot of the advice and encouragement sounds very helpful.

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice, but I'm still learning to deal with all of this myself. All I can realistically do is wish you the best. It'll all work out in the end somehow, and it sounds to me like you've got a good set-up going, so try and keep your spirits up. I'll be rooting for you from my little corner of the world (for whatever that's worth).

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I just want to say, Bunny, I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat myself, and even managing my friendships seems like a hugely daunting task. Imagining myself in a relationship is extremely hard when I have one of my 'off' days.

However, it sounds like you're very self-aware, you're seeking help, and you have a good partner to support you. On top of that, a lot of the advice and encouragement sounds very helpful.

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice, but I'm still learning to deal with all of this myself. All I can realistically do is wish you the best. It'll all work out in the end somehow, and it sounds to me like you've got a good set-up going, so try and keep your spirits up. I'll be rooting for you from my little corner of the world (for whatever that's worth).

thanks so much for the support

im actually feeling a little better.

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday and it went well, so we'll see what happens with some more therapy and me actively working on some of my issues.

 

[gentjim26]

never be angry

Thanks everyone for the good advice, I really do appreciate it. Fortunately my boyfriend is very supportive and helpful and very sympathetic.

I'm looking forward to going to therapy and hashing out some issues. I'm not very good at communicating or even understanding my feelings, but I'm feeling confident about things right now, because I am really starting to understand some of the symptoms I have and how they are affecting me.

I realllllly realllllly hate feeling like this and I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better, but right now my world feels cloudy and dull like I'm seeing everything in black and white.

I have no desire to do ANYTHING, it's all I can do to force myself just to go to work, to a job a love, btw. I'm telling myself right now, I only have to do the bare minimum to survive, which at this point, is eat/sleep/work, and if that's all I can bare to do, than so be it. I really don't feel like eating, NOTHING sounds good, I don't really have much of an appetite, except when I go a reallllly long time without food.

It just sucks to be in this place and I'm angry at myself and disgusted with myself.


thanks again for the advice

I have the same problem and have been working my way thru this for 1.5 years and life get better all the time .I really start to like myself now where before I just would walk away and just get quite so I would not hurt my wife ,she is my best friend and she the most important to me

 

[emptynester]

Fortunately my boyfriend is very supportive and helpful and very sympathetic.

Wow, that is awesome! Most people who suffer from depression have to deal with it alone. Finding someone who cares that much for you, to be supportive, helpful and sympathetic, actually says a lot about you. If he didn't think you were worth it, he would not be there by your side helping you through this. I think you should give yourself more credit.

I'm looking forward to going to therapy and hashing out some issues. I'm not very good at communicating or even understanding my feelings, but I'm feeling confident about things right now, because I am really starting to understand some of the symptoms I have and how they are affecting me.

You have done a wonderful job of communicating your feelings here. Half the battle is won if you are already starting to understand your feelings and how they are affecting you.

I have no desire to do ANYTHING, it's all I can do to force myself just to go to work, to a job a love, btw. I'm telling myself right now, I only have to do the bare minimum to survive, which at this point, is eat/sleep/work, and if that's all I can bare to do, than so be it.

So for the moment, just be in survival mode. Take one day at a time and only do what you feel like doing. If a task seems to big at the moment, put it off for another day. Get plenty of rest and eat healthy. Both are REALLY as important to a healthy mind as they are to a healthy body.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I am certainly no expert on depression other than the type brought on by female problems. That type of depression, however, is much easier to deal with and/or eliminate.

What you seem to be experiencing will take time. Allow yourself that time. Give yourself a pat on the back for first realizing that this is not normal for you and second for having the desire to do something about it.

You have made what I would consider to be the toughest decision; to seek help. From your most recent posts it sounds like you have already made some progress and are feeling better.

I realllllly realllllly hate feeling like this and I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better,

I wish I could snap my fingers and make you feel better too! Just know that there are those of us here at LIT that truely care. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[TravelMad]

Lots of good advice here. Only thing I'd add; I didn't see any mention of medication. Don't be afraid of it. It helps. A lot. It can take time to work out what works best at what dosage but I'm ever so thankful I threw off the chip and got a scrip, so to speak.

Take it slow... work with your therapist... the goal is to peel back the onion layers and get at the root causes underneath. It's not about "fixing you". There's no fixing anyone! It's about understanding what causes the symptoms and how to deal with the root cause.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Lots of good advice here. Only thing I'd add; I didn't see any mention of medication. Don't be afraid of it. It helps. A lot. It can take time to work out what works best at what dosage but I'm ever so thankful I threw off the chip and got a scrip, so to speak.

Take it slow... work with your therapist... the goal is to peel back the onion layers and get at the root causes underneath. It's not about "fixing you". There's no fixing anyone! It's about understanding what causes the symptoms and how to deal with the root cause.

im trying to avoid medication, I've been on them before, last year I was feeling pretty bad and got on lexapro, after 5 days, I COULD NOT have an orgasm, talk about DEPRESSING! I have a hard time orgasming as it is, I certainly don't need to make it any harder!

i've taken several different ones and none of them really helped that much, I think therapy will help more.

I was feeling better, but today was a shitty day, feeling low again, and psychotic and out of control. I really truly feel crazy. I have NO motivation even to shower, and didnt' really want to get out of bed, the only reason i did was because I wanted to go out to eat with my boyfriend.

UGH

i dont like the ups and downs, but unfortunately my hormones seem to really reek havoc on my emotions.

bleh

 

[SweetErika]

im trying to avoid medication, I've been on them before, last year I was feeling pretty bad and got on lexapro, after 5 days, I COULD NOT have an orgasm, talk about DEPRESSING! I have a hard time orgasming as it is, I certainly don't need to make it any harder!

i've taken several different ones and none of them really helped that much, I think therapy will help more.

I was feeling better, but today was a shitty day, feeling low again, and psychotic and out of control. I really truly feel crazy. I have NO motivation even to shower, and didnt' really want to get out of bed, the only reason i did was because I wanted to go out to eat with my boyfriend.

UGH

i dont like the ups and downs, but unfortunately my hormones seem to really reek havoc on my emotions.

bleh

You might try one of the natural supplements like DHEA or SAM-e. They're widely available, inexpensive and have relatively few side-effects (e.g. some can cause some heartburn, but I don't think any have negative sexual side effects). I've been taking DHEA along with melatonin for insomnia for about 6 months, and it does seem to help even me out some. It's not a panacea or as good as therapy, but it may give you a little extra boost while you're in therapy.