Depression affecting my relationship

[TBKahuna123]

OrgasmicleBunny, believe me when I say, you're gonna be alright. Don't think of yourself as broken. Hell we're all broken, if you want to get right down to it. You've got two huge things going for you.

First it sounds like you have a boyfriend who is understanding and supportive. Don't be afraid to let him be a part of your healing process if he is willing. This will not only give you more support, but it can be a bonding experience for you both. It's that whole male ego protective thing, I think.

Second you need to realize that you've already won the first fight. I have a friend who has battled depression for a long time and she told me that the first fightyou have to win it to recognize that the depression is affectingyour life. Once you realize that pattern, once you are willing to say enough is enough, I need to get help, then you have brokenthe depression's initial hold. That is the first big step in the road to recovery. People often wonder why people don't just go get help, and what they don't realize is that the depression is what stops them from getting help for their depression. Take heart, girl, you've just won the toughest fight in the war.

Take heart and smile and never forget, you're no more broken than the rest of us.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

OrgasmicleBunny, believe me when I say, you're gonna be alright. Don't think of yourself as broken. Hell we're all broken, if you want to get right down to it. You've got two huge things going for you.

First it sounds like you have a boyfriend who is understanding and supportive. Don't be afraid to let him be a part of your healing process if he is willing. This will not only give you more support, but it can be a bonding experience for you both. It's that whole male ego protective thing, I think.

Second you need to realize that you've already won the first fight. I have a friend who has battled depression for a long time and she told me that the first fightyou have to win it to recognize that the depression is affectingyour life. Once you realize that pattern, once you are willing to say enough is enough, I need to get help, then you have brokenthe depression's initial hold. That is the first big step in the road to recovery. People often wonder why people don't just go get help, and what they don't realize is that the depression is what stops them from getting help for their depression. Take heart, girl, you've just won the toughest fight in the war.

Take heart and smile and never forget, you're no more broken than the rest of us.

thanks for the support and you're right, the one thing I have going for me is the fact I've recognized there IS a problem and I'm working on it.

I felt pretty good today, the sun is shining, I exercised for a little bit, and I tried to feel positive.

 

[VFaulkon]

I just finished my last session with my latest therapist (she's leaving for a new job elsewhere, sadly), and the last thing she told me was this:


'You are a good person. You're very aware of yourself and your problem, which will make improvement much easier for you, and you have someone very close to you who's willing to support you. Keep working at it, and I've no doubt you'll get over this."


While we were talking, I remembered you and your post, so I thought I'd share this with you. I think it applies to you as well.


(Sorry. Not much to this post; just thought you might like a little pick-me-up.)

 

[an_angels_wings]

I definitely know what you're talking about. I think it's definitely possible to work on your relationship and your depression simultaneously. I was worried about that, too, and seriously discussed it with my boyfriend who, in turn, has been a lot more supportive. It's great that you recognize some of your behaviours ... I've been trying to do that, too. Sometimes when you notice that happening, you need to take a step or two back and either analyze why you might be feeling this way, and/or make a conscious effort to curb the behaviors that come from that. Also, if you let your SO know before it happens, perhaps you two could work on what s/he can do in order to help you.

I had a visit with a counselor when I was beginning to recognize this and one of the things she said that really got me thinking was the split-second, almost subconscious judgment we make on ourselves that further cause us to spiral downward into sadness and helplessness and depression. There is a moment when you start to feel a certain way when you pass judgment on yourself and it hurts you. "What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? This is wrong ... I'm broken ... " You're not broken, you're just having to deal with things that are making you feel miserable. Those sorts of judgments only make you feel worse. When I began to realize when I was making those judgments, I'd try to take a step back and say, "No, it's okay that I'm feeling this way. I am entitled to my emotions." And then I look at what I can do to make myself feel better. Strangely, sometimes it's enough to take a beautiful afternoon on a beautiful day and sit outside and read, or just be by myself for a little while. Or clean (that's the OCD in me, lol) ... or organize things to see some semblance of organization and structure to my life.

It's also great to talk to a counselor. I personally would love to try more diet and exercise and vitamin alternatives to medication; but medicative therapy may in fact be what is needed in order to help bring you to a place where you can be/feel light and free and happy.

It's senseless to say "don't worry" because we will worry anwyay ... but at least you're not alone. And at least you have recognized your behavior and want to get better. Good luck! =) I'll be here if you need me.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

update:

After 3 sessions with the therapist, I'm feeling MUCH better. I'm really doing some things to improve myself. I started some private yoga/pilates instructions and after my first session, I'm really pleased and really looking forward to it, despite the cost.

THings are a little stressful for me, because I just moved into a new apartment and everything is a MESS and I thrive on organization and such. I'm not so much a neat freak but I like to have things in the their place and at the moment, things are sucking.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend isn't much help at all in that department. He's fine with the chaos and the mess and he's a KING procrastinator so we have to work through that conflict.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Figured I'd give this thread a little bump. ... been feeling awfully sad the past few days and figured. I don't know .... I don't like using the term "depressed" though I know that's what it is ... it just ... I dunno, it's like this awful label that you can't escape sometimes. I am going to talk again with the boyfriend ... and possibly look into those supplements that you (Erika) were talking about. Do they have sort of like ... free-therapy-clinics? Lol, I don't have insurance, and I certainly can't afford a therapist, let alone any meds that I might consider.


What do you all do in order to escape the sadness and the heaviness of it all? Today I went to a secluded mountain overlook and just read for a few hours. That was brilliant ... but sometimes I hate being by myself. I just feel so damn down and then there are the millions and billions of thoughts running around my head. It's hard to escape. So what do ya'll do?

 

[wicked woman]

Figured I'd give this thread a little bump. ... been feeling awfully sad the past few days and figured. I don't know .... I don't like using the term "depressed" though I know that's what it is ... it just ... I dunno, it's like this awful label that you can't escape sometimes. I am going to talk again with the boyfriend ... and possibly look into those supplements that you (Erika) were talking about. Do they have sort of like ... free-therapy-clinics? Lol, I don't have insurance, and I certainly can't afford a therapist, let alone any meds that I might consider.


What do you all do in order to escape the sadness and the heaviness of it all? Today I went to a secluded mountain overlook and just read for a few hours. That was brilliant ... but sometimes I hate being by myself. I just feel so damn down and then there are the millions and billions of thoughts running around my head. It's hard to escape. So what do ya'll do?

When I was in high school I used to drive down by the lake...park...and just think...stare out at the lake...feel it's calming effect.

 

[SweetErika]

Figured I'd give this thread a little bump. ... been feeling awfully sad the past few days and figured. I don't know .... I don't like using the term "depressed" though I know that's what it is ... it just ... I dunno, it's like this awful label that you can't escape sometimes. I am going to talk again with the boyfriend ... and possibly look into those supplements that you (Erika) were talking about. Do they have sort of like ... free-therapy-clinics? Lol, I don't have insurance, and I certainly can't afford a therapist, let alone any meds that I might consider.


What do you all do in order to escape the sadness and the heaviness of it all? Today I went to a secluded mountain overlook and just read for a few hours. That was brilliant ... but sometimes I hate being by myself. I just feel so damn down and then there are the millions and billions of thoughts running around my head. It's hard to escape. So what do ya'll do?

Google Moodgym - it's a free therapy program for depression online, and it's very good, IMO. You also might check out what your local library has to offer - look for Cognitive Behavior Therapy and books with exercises especially.

Right now, I'm working on learning self-hypnosis. I don't think it'll fix my depression, but I have seen how it can help me relax, improve my self-esteem, and get out of viscious cycles, so I figure it can't hurt. Again, I'm checking out books at the library first, and if I find something I really like, I can always buy it. I'm also going to start yoga, which has been shown to have a positive effect on mood, in June.

Finally, I'm not sure how it is where you live, but here some local government orgs and therapists offer reduced-cost/sliding scale and sometimes even free sessions. In this area, we also have free/cheap support groups and such for all sorts of illnesses, including depression. Government agencies, healthcare providers and non-profits (e.g. there are associations for mental illness) can be a good tool in finding helpful resources you can afford.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Thanks bunches. I'm going to look into it.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'm having a hard time again, in fact, even tho I dont have insurance (well, I do, but it's a $3000 deductible, I'll have insurance again in October.

I've made a doctor's appointment, I think I need medication, even tho I've taken meds in the past, including wellbutrin, prozac and zoloft and effexor, I usually stop taking them, because I dont like how they make me feel.


I cant' even think straight really and my mood is really affecting my relationship. I have no interest really in doing much of anything, except sleeping and im feeling really negative about everything.

 

[DrHappy]

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well. You may ask your doctor about other classes of medications.

One proven and effective cost-free and drug-free treatment (you aren't going to like this ) is exercise. Here's a link to the Mayo Clinic about the effectiveness of exercise in treating depression and anxiety. Even small amounts can help.

I went through a period of depression when I was going through a divorce a long time ago. It was unbearable. I absolutely HATED, HATED, HATED to exercise during this time, but it was definitely helpful. You may try to push yourself to try it.

 

[DrHappy]

Even a little bit of exercise could also be a boost for your relationship. Your BF may also be encouraged to see you fighting for yourself for improvement.

 

[SunshineLdy]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had to admit thru times in my life that I needed...something. Don't be so afraid of medications. Sometimes it takes time to find that "Silver Bullet" that works for your chemical makeup and disorder.

Also, try and keep on top of your diagonosis, and make sure they've got it right and are applying the right medications. Some do have side effects, but they're not all the same. When I was on Zoloft the first time, I LOVED it! But the second time it hurt my stomach so bad I had a hard time justifying taking it.

Paxil seems to do it for me atm, but as soon as it doesn't I'll be talking with the doctor again. Sometimes it takes a cocktail like paxil/busprone. Just medications that treat whatever your anxiety, or disorders, may be.

One statement that really rings in my head is "Why deny yourself an orgasm?". When I feel like I really don't want to, I think that little mantra and think, "Ya know, my head hurts, I'm tired, I don't feel sexy today, but what the hell!? Orgasm will make anything feel better! Right??". And almost always I forget why I didn't want to in the first place

Talking about triggers and such has helped in the past, but it's a constant issue to keep talking about how I, or he, may react to things. The "Feelings" and communication never stops, and the more info you can talk about, the more you (and he) can understand.

my 2cents anyway Good luck hon!!!

 

[somberReality]

I have depression and therapy and antidepressants help tremendously. *big hugs* you are welcome to pm me anytime to talk.

 

[bholderman]

I havent read all the replies, but I am on the husband side of things. My wife simply crashed mentally a few months back and its been a long climb back for her and the impacts it had on myself and the famaily.

I've tried to keep that stiff upper lip during the frequent downslides, but as mentioned, finding the patterns working around them part of the struggle.

We are married with kids. I can't just ditch her. Being the good husband is as much as a struggle as the illness itself.

I wouldn't recommend working on the realtionship during the bad moments. Just concentrate on getting through those. In the good times, the opposite, feed the realtionship and strengthen the foundation that you will need for the downslide.

That said, one can never anticipate the reaction of the other person in question.

I'm finally realizing that my depression is seriously affecting my romantic relationship. I am doing things (not intentionally) that are almost sabotaging my relationship. The current conflicts we are having have to do with me feeling so terrible about myself and my own issues of depression and lack of self worth.

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

I've been to therapy before. I plan on starting again this week. I'm overwhelmed at the thought because i dont know where to begin?? I dont know what to focus on, how to get at the route of the problem....

I feel like my judgment is cloudy and my brain in general is fuzzy. I have a foggy view of the world right now, so I perceive things in a way that isn't true. I'm jumping to conclusions and assumptions and lashing out and being disrespectful and treating the one person I love more than anything in the world in a horrible way.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, I wasn't treated badly, I had everything I needed, and yet I somehow as an adult feel like I am broken.

Any advice, support, etc would be appreciated.

thanks

 

[SunshineLdy]

Originally Posted by OrgasmicleBunny
I'm finally realizing that my depression is seriously affecting my romantic relationship. I am doing things (not intentionally) that are almost sabotaging my relationship. The current conflicts we are having have to do with me feeling so terrible about myself and my own issues of depression and lack of self worth.

My question is: is it possible to work on our relationship while I'm simultaneously working on myself and my own issues?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

Forgot to post about this.

Doesn't it SUCK??

Feels like I'm being Self Destructive sometimes!! It's like anything good I try and screw up and push away I don't get why I do it at all. The more I want to cling to something good, the more I try and make it go away. Is that kinda what you meant? If so, then yeh, you're not alone

I don't see how you can work through it without letting that SO in your life know what's going on in your head.

When it's really bad maybe they don't need to know everything, but when you work through it enough, let 'em in so they can know it's not them...it's you trying to work through stuff. Then they can let you know what, and how much, they're ready to try and help you work through.

Depression (mine) is such a maze. Just when you think you've found the exit and things are going good, you find you're back in the middle again. It's hard to explain. The ups and downs, and you feel so good and optimistic, then something stoopid happens and everything SUCKS, or there's something wrong, or you're wrong, or you're not doing enough, or don't feel like you're doing what you should be. It's scary letting someone else get a glimpse into that. Silly thing is, a lot of people feel this way...but not so extreme. When you keep it to yourself, they tend to wonder what about THEM is causing it (even though sometimes it is them ).

 

[breezyblue]

Dont give up! things really will get better for you (i used to remind myself of this by saying 'how could they possibly get worse' lol) and although it may take some time. thats ok.

Im so glad you have a supportive SO on your side! the unwavering support of someone you knows cares deeply for you is one of your greatest tools. I think though that instead of thinking of your relationship as being in the process of being worked on and something you are trying to make better you should look at it now for the positive thing it is and not what it will become. being able to see something as a constant positive i find gives me a deep sense of stablility regardless of what is happening or how many things are falling apart elsewhere in my life, mabey this will help you too.

Also sometimes i think it is easier to relate to a loved one when they are not trying to understand your emotions or the rollercoaster ride you are on mood wise - i never could get across what i was feeling and it made me feel very frustrated and upset that i was so alone. It is much more helpful when someone can just 'be with you' (for lack of a better expression) and just accept that you feel out of control and that they may never be able to understand. I dont see this as being uncaring at all but more accepting and supportive while you are trying to work out that part of you that is sad and lost.

 

[warrior queen]

the other viewpoint...

i was the 'supportive partner' to a bipolar ll man.
8 years after he was first diagnosed with his illness we finally broke up for good.

it is, quite simply, the hardest thing a partner has to deal with. mainly because there isn't a damn thing we can do when you get so down that the world is totally against you.

i should have left sooner and reclaimed my life, but i stayed because he threatened to do himself harm if i left, and also because we had children together.

i wish you every success on your journey through depression, and i sincerely hope that your partner has more fortitude than i ended up having.

pm me if you want more details about my experiences in order to get an understanding of what your partner may be feeling.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

thanks everyone for your replies. It's hard for me to even type out what's going on in my head, it's all jumbled and confused, and I can't even concentrate or think clearly, I'm fuzzy headed, tired, in pain and feeling hopeless, sad and desperate.

I'm over-reacting, and causing problems in my relationship, the only thing I can barely bring myself to do is going to work, because that's the bare minimum I need to do to get by right now. I don't feel like cleaning, moving, washing, anything. I do eat, but not much, I'm one of those depressed people that don't quit eating, even tho I should, (cut back and eat better that is).

I know I should exercise, but I can barely bring myself to get out of bed, let alone exercise.

I havne't felt this bad in a while.

The doctor did prescribe wellbutrin, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm looking into therapy even tho I'd have to pay for it, it might be worth it right now.

I feel so guilty for my boyfriend, he's trying so hard to help me, and put up with me, and I'm not treating him very well.

It's like nothing is going right, i felel like im drowning, even the littlest things make me feel so out of control and helpless!

 

[bholderman]

My wife is on wellbutrin along with prozac and a few other things. Don't expect an overnight improvement. Some meds require a few weeks to really kick-in. And an initial prescription may not be the final answer, they have been consitently adjusting her meds to see what works and doesn't.

I've read quite a bit of this lately at lit.com, to be honest, I think I am going to recommend that my wife hop on board and start reading here. Most of the people at her group sessions are common to her, so even there she feels a bit out of place.

thanks everyone for your replies. It's hard for me to even type out what's going on in my head, it's all jumbled and confused, and I can't even concentrate or think clearly, I'm fuzzy headed, tired, in pain and feeling hopeless, sad and desperate.

I'm over-reacting, and causing problems in my relationship, the only thing I can barely bring myself to do is going to work, because that's the bare minimum I need to do to get by right now. I don't feel like cleaning, moving, washing, anything. I do eat, but not much, I'm one of those depressed people that don't quit eating, even tho I should, (cut back and eat better that is).

I know I should exercise, but I can barely bring myself to get out of bed, let alone exercise.

I havne't felt this bad in a while.

The doctor did prescribe wellbutrin, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm looking into therapy even tho I'd have to pay for it, it might be worth it right now.

I feel so guilty for my boyfriend, he's trying so hard to help me, and put up with me, and I'm not treating him very well.

It's like nothing is going right, i felel like im drowning, even the littlest things make me feel so out of control and helpless!

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'm trying, I really am, I found a place that does sliding scale therapy and the first consultation is free, so even if it's just moderately priced it will be worth it, and I can see a doctor there for medication management as well.

I have to wait a week for the appointment, but by then I should know if the wellbutrin is helping much or not.
The xanax the doctor gave me isn't doing much, but making me sleeepy, I still feel pretty edgy and irritable and not really relaxed
I'm sleeping like ass, and My back hurts

I'm going to go TRY to get some exercise later tonight, I know that would really help me, it's sooo hard, tho because right now I can barely move let alone exercise.

bleh

I can't figure out what has happened to me, nothing has really changed. I feel like someone else took over my brain and now I have no control over my feelings/emotions/thoughts. I feel irrational.

 

[DrHappy]

I'm rooting for you to get some exercise! Go! Go! Go!

I can't figure out what has happened to me, nothing has really changed. I feel like someone else took over my brain and now I have no control over my feelings/emotions/thoughts. I feel irrational.

Has your diet changed recently? You might try eliminating all sources of monosodium glutamate (MSG). Avoid food that contain any of the following ingredients:

• monsodium glutamate (all flavored potato chips, Campbell's soups)
• autolyzed yeast extract (yeast extract, or autolyzed soy protein)
• carrageenen (found in many dairy & turkey products)

The these sources of free glutamates can have negative effects for some people. They pass through the brain blood barrier and can affect how the brain works. It affects my mood, I get tired, and I can't sleep. It may or may not be helpful for you, but it can't hurt to try.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'm rooting for you to get some exercise! Go! Go! Go!

Has your diet changed recently? You might try eliminated all sources of monosodium glutamate (MSG). Avoid food that contain any of the following ingredients:

• monsodium glutamate (all flavored potato chips, Campbell's soups)
• autolyzed yeast extract (yeast extract, or autolyzed soy protein)
• carrageenen (found in many dairy & turkey products)

The these sources of free glutamates can have negative effects for some people. They pass through the brain blood barrier and can affect how the brain works. It affects my mood, I get tired, and I can't sleep. It may or may not be helpful for you, but it can't hurt to try.

Thanks doc

I do eat a lot of MSG, even have it as a spice in my cabinet

 

[DrHappy]

I do eat a lot of MSG, even have it as a spice in my cabinet

Holy crap! It's like Kryptonite for me. On top of all of the other symptoms, I'll also feel depressed if I eat a lot of it.

 

[idnas71]

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