Do you...

[DarlingBri]

hide your Literotica activities from your partner?

Do they know you post here? Visit here? Read stories here? Write stories here?

If you do hide: why?
If you don't hide: how does your partner feel about Lit?

Lit couples, obviously, don't need to answer

 

[Shylady]

My husband found out I come to this site, when I forgot to clear the history once.
He doesn't like it because it is a *gasping* porn site.
He has asked me to stop coming here, but I tell him my friends are here and I can't stop coming here. So I am not breaking any promises by being here.
I do however still make sure i clean my history lol
and no he doesn't know I post and I am not telling either.

 

[naudiz]

My partner knows I'm here, and if I read something funny, sometimes I'll relay it to him. He doesn't care, and I've got nothing to hide.

Besides, I exploit him for his valuable editing skills when it comes to writing.

Now if only I'd stop slacking off and actually write something...

 

[Guest]

Yep he knows everything.... and he's my proofreader....

and it adds to our sex life lol

 

[KillerMuffin]

He gave me a sweet card for winning the Audio Story award and threatened to go whoop Tawny T's ass cause there was no way in hell she's sexier than me.

I love my stud. Pain in the ass though he may be.

He visits here, mostly lurks.

 

[Mistress]

Nope, he would freak...and he saw it in my history once....told him I had a friend here who writes and wanted to show me his story! which is true I do have a friend who writes here! So..it wasnt a lie!

 

[BiBabe:)]

Well, until today, Mandy didn't know...

But I told her and now we're posting up a storm together.

So, yes, she knows. She's sitting here right now.

 

[Nobody Special]

Actually I try to share it with her.. tho sometimes it feels like she doesn't want to share Lit with me.. besides that I introduced her to Lit and got her addicted as you can tell..

E

 

[brazenblaze]

He knows that I come here and he is registered here as well. However, he doesn't feel comfortable over here and prefers the other board.

 

[Whispersecret]

I kept it a secret for a long time, but my husband knows about the site now. He knows I won an award (I didn't get a card though.) He's never read my novella. He's not into reading at all.

I've tried to get him to look at the site, but he insists that he looks at a computer screen all day and doesn't want to do it in his spare time. But frankly, what's the big diff between a monitor and a TV? 'Cause he comes home and plants himself in front of that after work. Lame excuse. I actually think he just thinks the whole online community thing, where you have friends, etc. is just WEIRD. <Shrugs>

 

[Weevil]

My girlfriend knows and is fairly cool with it. She takes it as just another piece of evidence that I am a 15 year old boy trapped in a body that is a little large for 15(Not really though I'm only 2 inches taller now than I was 7 long years ago.)

But who cares what a woman who doesn't see the value of Hong Kong action movies or collecting Pez dispensers thinks? Well, me I guess.

 

[Coggie]

Hi DB

I think many people in seeking to protect their RL relationships would hide their activity here if they thought their partner would flip about it.

From reading other replies I think the real issue maybe revolves around the use that's being made of the site as obviously there's also a case of "each to his (her/their) own", what works for some couples or individuals does not for others.

There's clearly a difference, for example, from someone who just indulges in some erotic reading to someone who interacts and builds relationships. If I were the one to find out my partner had been posting here I would be most concerned where there had been deceit (hiding). I would be more concerned if they had been posting rather than just reading, particularly as, I am a virgin here but not with on-line communities in general, I would be aware that many people spending time here are effectively looking to hock up. So if one makes a suggestive post with enough general encouragement someone will "hit on you" (hope springs eternal? <eg>).

In fact, even within our activity here we can increase or decrease our perceived availability and if my partner had an encouraging flirtatious persona here I would be more concerned. For instance your sig is more likely to solicit a pass than one that reads "fuck off I'm not easy at all" (for the record, I'm sure you're anything but easy - who wants to get flamed with their first real post? <g>). I consider myself reasonably broad minded but I guess I could be threatened by this.

Another point is that I think I would feel worse if I discovered that minutes after a disagreement my partner immediately made a posting here concerning the matter. I think I would feel my "dirty washing" was being aired in public and my partner cared for the views of strangers here over mine.

You've only asked questions here seeking the other peoples circumstances but the issues around the reason for the responses are complex and diverse. IMHO it's actually an intelligent thread really, possibly deep also and certainly thought provoking.

I conclude that it's a matter of respect for our partners and self preservation that will govern the views expressed but we should consider wisely where we second guess the perceptions of others.

To lie or not to lie that is the question
- c1600 Bob Shakespeare - Wills' brother and the real author of Romeo and Juliet.

For your investigation responses are:

Does my partner know? - no
Visit, post etc - no
Why do I Hide it? - my partner would hit the roof


Coggie
Incognito on-line, in shit in RL

 

[DarlingBri]

Hi DB

In fact, even within our activity here we can increase or decrease our perceived availability and if my partner had an encouraging flirtatious persona here I would be more concerned. For instance your sig is more likely to solicit a pass than one that reads "fuck off I'm not easy at all" (for the record, I'm sure you're anything but easy - who wants to get flamed with their first real post? <g>). I consider myself reasonably broad minded but I guess I could be threatened by this.

Oh, dunno 'bout that, Coggie. I think that if I were to change my sig line to "Fuck off, I'm not easy at all" it would actually *encourage* some of this lot... I think they like a challenge, it makes a change from the easy pickings.

Passes, hmm. I guess they are pretty much a part of normal life outside a convent. It seems a little OTT to blame your partner because someone made a pass at him or her. To me the test is how one's partner manages the situation post-pass.

However, I agree that it's something a couple needs to work out together if they're open about their activities. Personally, I don't ahve anything to hide from my partner, and I'm really relieved about that

 

[Coggie]

DB

Oh, dunno 'bout that, Coggie. I think that if I were to change my sig line to "Fuck off, I'm not easy at all" it would actually *encourage* some of this lot... I think they like a challenge, it makes a change from the easy pickings.

Passes, hmm. I guess they are pretty much a part of normal life outside a convent. It seems a little OTT to blame your partner because someone made a pass at him or her. To me the test is how one's partner manages the situation post-pass.

Well, to every rule there's an exception... I am an auditor you know, I think your sig will encourage more than my example over a period of time.

Passes are a normal part of life yes, point taken, but I'm not suggesting I'd blame my partner because someone made a pass at all.

What I did suggest is that I may blame them for giving the imgage of availiblity, either that's not true and it's disrespectful to my realtionship with them or it is true. In the latter case I'd better post a personal.

 

[nitengale]

No hiding here.

 

[DarlingBri]

Re: DB

I think your sig will encourage more than my example over a period of time.
[/B]

Then the safest bet is no sig at all

 

[nytbrat]

boyfriend knows but doesn't approve...oh well...

 

[Coggie]

DB.....

Then the safest bet is no sig at all

Er...... I wasn't trying to make a point with you specificly, I do hope I haven't offended you.

 

[DarlingBri]

No, that's fine

If one person is unable to discerne that a flirty online sig line is not a barometer of my true personality and feels it portrays me poorly, than other people will to. And that's not the impression I'd prefer to give.

 

[Madame Pandora]

Not only does he know about the board, he knows who I flirt with, who I talk to, and at what level I communicate with them. Although he has no business reading my personal emails or anything like that, he knows I correspond. We respect that we interact with people as individuals. I've had him read posts on several occasions. He responds with about the same kind of enthusiasm I respond with when he talks about cars.

Him: "Baby! Look! Look at the TV. Look at that beauty."

Me: "The blue car?"

Him: "YES! The 'vette."

Me: "It's umm...pretty."

Him: <long pause> "Never mind. Go back to the porn site."

Me: "Okay."

Me: "Honey, you should READ this."

Him: "What?"

Me: "This post."

Him: "You being bitchy or flirty again?"

Me: "Both."

Him: "Just read me the highlights."

Me: <long pause> "Go back to your cars."

Him: "Okay."

The bottom line for us is that we know out relationship, we know each other. We have different interests, different needs as individuals. Nothing on this site or IRL is going to threaten him or me. Once it does, it's not a relationship I care to be in.

People take part in relationships and each other, but I have always believed that they retain their own identity. That is just me. I will always flirt with other men. I will never be offended if he flirts with other women. We all like to feel attractive and preen a little with the opposite sex. It's all about boundaries and intentions and understanding the lines drawn in your own relationship.

If a website is going to cause a problem in a relationship, some people would say walk away from the website. I would walk away from the relationship...if a website could threaten it, then it's not strong enough to maintain the kind of understanding I need.

Just MHO

MP

 

[Blackbich]

I don't have a S/O at the moment but any man I get involved with would have to understand! If he's so unsure of himself that the idea of what I 'could' be doing with someone on a website can upset him, he's gotta go. Honesty is VERY important and this isn't something I would keep from someone I was involved in.

 

[Coggie]

If a website is going to cause a problem in a relationship, some people would say walk away from the website. I would walk away from the relationship...if a website could threaten it, then it's not strong enough to maintain the kind of understanding I need.

Hi MP

I clearly see that you have a relationship with your partner that works for you both and that's great, really.

You and I differ in some ways. Obviously I would indeed rather switch off my computer than a RL relationship but I guess it becomes a value judgement on the strengths and weaknesses of these two components. For me, my current relationship is more important and therefore I would happily not put it at risk with activity here should that be the case.

That's all fairly obvious but the bit that concerns me is that relationships are complex and evolve. I think it's too convenient to hope that what happens through this channel cannot touch us and reach out into RL. If this is true then my point is that the "boundaries and intentions", the rules we set in here, may not be sufficient when the relationships we build graduate.

Ultimately, it is our responsibility to protect ourselves and our values.

MHO

PS..

I must say your posts have made interesting reading throughtout Lit and are often thought provoking, I thank you for them.

 

[Madame Pandora]

Coggie,

My post was not intended as general advice, nor to address anyone's particular situation. As far as I know it applies only to me.

Lit is a community and it is a sexually geared community. And, there are bound to be those who are confused about the intricacies of this imaginary hunk of cyber real estate just as much as there are those confused about their own sexualities and personal dynamics.

In my case I am a bold, outspoken women (I know you never would have guessed). So, I require a level of trust and benefit-of-the-doubt in my relationship that, quite frankly, most men don't have the patience for. You've seen me post here, can you IMAGINE what it's like to argue with me IRL?

So, in my case, there is a different "boundary." That of my sharp tongue. Nearly everything else is firm trust. He will not do something to hurt me. I will not do something to hurt him. Period. The minute one of us breaks that trust, then we will have to face that. I don't expect it to happen, but I don't rule it out as a possibility.

All I know is that a website isn't going to make that happen or not happen.

A person is either looking or not looking. Me? I look to flirt a little, flit a little, play a little, communicate and commune with other people a lot. But my intentions are firm. My situation is firm. My boundaries are written in stone. I do not bend them. When someone pushes against those boundaries, I end what brief relationship there is as kindly as possible. They are invading my comfort zone. And I don’t indulge in that.

Behind every computer is a real person. Yes. But, behind mine is myself. And I trust myself. And I respect myself. And I must do the same for the partner I choose in my real life.

I am an individual. So is he. We both have needs as individuals, and I will endeavor to maintain his needs as he endeavors to maintain mine. But, many times it isn't about what our partners have to offer us or don't have to offer us. Sometimes it's about wanting to feel attractive. Wanting a little attention. Sometimes it's about that dance we take - you know where you’re a little silly, a little fluttery, getting to know a new person. Not just of the opposite sex, but just getting to know a person in general. I think making news friends is a bit like falling in love. Puppy love, mind you, but the same phases of infatuation and eventual cold-hearted reality take place. I happen to like that dance very much, and I take my time with the steps. But like the song says, I don’t forget who’s taking me home and in who’s arms I’m gonna be. I know who the “last dance” is saved for.

People tend to make "on-line" friends and flirts so quickly. Much quicker than IRL, because it's anonymous and safe and you can impart so much more of yourself freely. So, when one of these people is a member of the opposite sex, sure, lines can get blurry.

It's my job to see that mine get back into focus. And that's not about a web site. That's about my personal strength, and the strength of my relationship. Period.

I agree. It is our responsibility to protect ourselves and our values. But, our values are not housed within a computer. They are not stored in the code of a website.

That said, I can only add that I am a much more open sexual creature than most women I know. I am TAME in my tastes (dear God if this website had taught me anything...) but I am open in my sexuality. By this, I don't mean to say that I sleep around. I simply can talk about sex and my personal sexual drive without much fretting. My partner knows I am an individual. He knows I flirt with other men. He knows I talk to them. He knows I like to feel a little spoiled and attractive. He also knows he can give me anything except the excitement of a stranger. And so, it doesn't bother him. The way he puts it, I have invested 99% of my portfolio in him, so I toss the other 1% into some frivolous tech stocks. Either way, he gets the payoff.

I'm secure in him. He's secure in me. Bottom line. We've also been friends since we were kids. Before we were romantically inclined. So, there's an understanding there that comes with time. I know him by heart and he knows me.

What happens through this "channel" will certainly touch us IRL. That is why this place should never be substituted for IRL. If you're not comfortable with yourself, this place will test you. It's tested me.

I cannot speak for your personal boundaries. I wouldn't dare. I can only speak for mine.

Some people would say leave the website. I would have to leave the relationship. Because if it ever got to the point that a website could threaten ME or US, then that relationship isn't strong enough for what I need. And, the truth is, the website would be the least of our problems.

MP

 

[romanticgal]

Coggie,


Some people would say leave the website. I would have to leave the relationship. Because if it ever got to the point that a website could threaten ME or US, then that relationship isn't strong enough for what I need. And, the truth is, the website would be the least of our problems.

MP

Wow! I think that says it all! My husband and I each have our own private emails but we know what each other does online. He's got people he talks to and I've got different people I talk to but at the end of the day we climb in bed together and no subject is ever off limits. He didn't know right away I was on here but not because it was a secret. We were just busy. When I mentioned it, I found out he'd been on reading stories too! If a website was gonna cause a problem in a relationship it would seem to me there was already a problem.

 

[willywanker]

No, my wife does not know I come to Lit and Yes, it would be a problem if she knew.

My wife knows I get porn off the internet, at first that was about all I used the internet for and will help to explain the screen name I have. I didn't really intend to interact with others when I made up "Willywanker".

She had heard all the horror stories of relationships and marriages being busted up by one partner running off with someone they met on line. I told her, truthfully then, I had never been into a chat room. One day while I was logged into Lit for the stories (Some of you are great writers) I decided to see what all the fuss about chat rooms was about. I took a couple of trips to become comfortable enough to get into the swing of things but before long, I had my first cyber sex, something I knew she would not appreciate. I did, at first cyber only with people at least an 8 hour drive away so I wouldn't be tempted.

Since I've found the BB's, this has become an addiction and I couldn't stop now if I wanted to, which I don't. She still wouldn't understand but I'm not being unfaithful, just some harmless flirting and erotic writing. I've had to bite my tounge several times or rephrase how I came upon a bit of information when I started to tell her something I read here. I wish she could understand, but that is the way it is and I'll live with it.