Does jealousy turn you on?

[graceanne]

Hm . . . note to self, come back and look at that link when the kids are asleep. lol

I, personally, am not a jealous person. For me it's a bit of a pride thing. K knows I love him. If I thought he was deliberately trying to make me jealous I'd be more likely to leave. I might tell him to grow up on the way out.

And if he were to get jealous of me I might laugh him out of the room. Let's see . . . I don't flirt with other men, I don't dance with them, I barely can talk to them. Even if I could their's no way in HELL I'd cheat on him. I mean, ew.

 

[Kierae]

I would have to say jealousy isn't my cup of tea - I have no patience for it. I had a poly relationship thru most of college and was very glad that all parties involved seemed to be secure enough with themselves and each other that jealousy never mucked it up.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Now ask yourself, "when was the last time my partner tried to drive me through the mattress while fucking my ass?"

Let's see....3 days ago.....it isn't a rarity around here.

Catalina

 

[phoenixstone]

Hi shy slave ...and Catalina!!

Jealousy isn't a turn-on, ever. Long ago, i got jealous of the individuals with wives that drifted in here looking for a way to get their clueless husbands to put their burners on high. Now, i just laugh at them for not getting past igniting the pilot light.

The only person for whom i hold any jealousy can be found here.

Yikes! Hot link! (Will have to open it again when the kids are in bed.)

As one of the formerly mentioned wives, it's not an inability to get the pilot light lit. Matches don't work on electric burners. (or something like that.) Oddly, filing the divorce papers seems to have lit things a bit. (Marquis, on jealousy, could probably speak to that.)

And yes, shy slave and Catalina -- really me!! (Couldn't remember my password so stuck starting over and can't get my avatar kitty pic, quotes, etc back for a while.) I'm keeping myself out of trouble this way, and hoping to glean a few pointers on some new interests. (Primarily talk/phonesex related.)

See? Not so bratty that I didn't actually mention the topic at least twice in this post! Mr. kitty would be so proud! (Is he still around?)

 

[alice_underneath]

it's not an inability to get the pilot light lit. Matches don't work on electric burners. (or something like that.)

This is an excellent analogy.

The fact that a wife is "drifting in here" does not necessarily mean that her husband deserves mocking or disrespect.

Alice

 

[rosco rathbone]

Oddly, filing the divorce papers seems to have lit things a bit.

Sorry to hear it, though I always thought that your previous protestations of happiness in vanilla marriage were a bit much. Welcome to the snakepit.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oddly, filing the divorce papers seems to have lit things a bit.

Sorry to hear you are going through this as I imagine it came at the cost of a lot of pain and soul searching on your part, but....as that door closes, you stand on the welcome mat of a whole new world to explore...enjoy, as I suspect you will.

Catalina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... though I always thought that your previous protestations of happiness in vanilla marriage were a bit much.

Ka-ching. For those of you with only a passing interest in something a little harder, i'll buy the original "how do i" question. For the rest, best of luck in your endeavors.

 

[shy slave]

Yikes! Hot link! (Will have to open it again when the kids are in bed.)

As one of the formerly mentioned wives, it's not an inability to get the pilot light lit. Matches don't work on electric burners. (or something like that.) Oddly, filing the divorce papers seems to have lit things a bit. (Marquis, on jealousy, could probably speak to that.)

And yes, shy slave and Catalina -- really me!! (Couldn't remember my password so stuck starting over and can't get my avatar kitty pic, quotes, etc back for a while.) I'm keeping myself out of trouble this way, and hoping to glean a few pointers on some new interests. (Primarily talk/phonesex related.)

See? Not so bratty that I didn't actually mention the topic at least twice in this post! Mr. kitty would be so proud! (Is he still around?)

It sounds as though life has not been dull for you.

Its a brave step that you have taken, i admire you for giving up on trying to light the electric cooker with a match and turning to what you really want in life.

I just hope a display of brattiness did not mean you wrapped the aforementioned cooker around his head at any point!

As for you being a brat...its just a matter of time

If you see Gracie anywhere, she is sitting on a tonne of Christmas cookies and needs a bit of persuading to share

 

[Slutacus]

Jealousy does not turn me on,

For me, its like a disease. I hate being jealous but I can't help it. He and I have talked about it alot but everytime I think someone could possibly be interested I become irrational and angry (ok, I am often irational, so I get even more so plus angry).

Do you feel the jealousy even if--and I imagine this is probably the case most of the time--he is not the least bit interested in them?

 

[FurryFury]

Interesting.

I might be called one of those wives too. I don't want to bitch and whine about it but I do sometimes. I am lucky that he is open to playing even if his orientation is not what I crave.

Still I feel I have some options that I can use for us both that do not include divorce. I'm thinking on them carefully.

My guy is so secure it makes me kinda sick. It also mostly prevents me from having to feel jealous of him.

I like that in way because my ex went out of his way to create insecurity and jealousy. He used them to make bad things happen and to control me against my will.

Lately I feel we are so secure we could add another into the mix and learn a lot but the unknown ramifications, those things you don't foresee, worry me. I'm getting closer to it though.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Do you feel the jealousy even if--and I imagine this is probably the case most of the time--he is not the least bit interested in them?

It can happen.

I used to be very jealous when i was younger, then I was in a long term vanilla relationship (and eventually married him). I felt secure but slightly bored. He wasn't interested in any form of sex for a number of years. Then I discovered he was fucking the next door neighbour! Its so cliched, I never realised what was happening, he had never given me any idea he would even think of being with someone else.
He said she was interested in him as a person and it developed from there, it happened without his realising it
I was not jealous of their close friendship as I knew he was not interested in sex ~ boy was that wrong. But I acknowledge that she did me a favour and allowed me an opportunity to find the right person for me.

The jealousy thing has come back to some extent. Being in an LDR is difficult enough without my irrational fears adding to it all.

Andante has made it very clear he is not interested in other women, but it does niggle at my mind sometimes.
He has also made it clear he does not like any form of jealousy.

Its not that I lack a level of confidence in myself and think I am not worthy; but it does make me feel insecure if i think someone is interested in him.

I am determined to get over it, simply because I realise if i don't it could threaten our future relationship.

 

[Caitlynne]

He has also made it clear he does not like any form of jealousy.

OK this brings a question up in my mind, not to shy slave in particular, but to anyone who has a thought on my questions. When you do feel jealous, or a partner does feel it, how do you handle it?

It's so rare for me, and I've been lucky that partners [Dominants and an ex husband] haven't been angry or put off. They merely reassured me and that was the extent of it. But again it is pretty rare for me.

I can see not tolerating constant or persistent jealousy, it's just not healthy and there are deeper problems at play, but occasional insecurity and/or jealousy, is a pretty natural human response upon occasion.

Sub/slaves/etc how does your Dom/me handle you at those times. Or is it just something that will get you corrected?

Dom/me's how do you handle your own jealousy or the jealousy of your property? [if it occurs]

 

[graceanne]

It sounds as though life has not been dull for you.

Its a brave step that you have taken, i admire you for giving up on trying to light the electric cooker with a match and turning to what you really want in life.

I just hope a display of brattiness did not mean you wrapped the aforementioned cooker around his head at any point!

As for you being a brat...its just a matter of time

If you see Gracie anywhere, she is sitting on a tonne of Christmas cookies and needs a bit of persuading to share

*snort* Good luck.

I know that my sister and her hubby were having problems. He didn't find her attractive, he didn't love her anymore . . . etc. She talked him into trying again twice, then thought 'fuck that', and moved out. She got a job working at a bar, got a boyfriend, etc. Within two months he wanted to get back together. Jealousy works for some people, I'm not one of them. I simply don't have the patience.

 

[alice_underneath]

The jealousy thing has come back to some extent. Being in an LDR is difficult enough without my irrational fears adding to it all.

Andante has made it very clear he is not interested in other women, but it does niggle at my mind sometimes.
He has also made it clear he does not like any form of jealousy.

Its not that I lack a level of confidence in myself and think I am not worthy; but it does make me feel insecure if i think someone is interested in him.

Jealousy and infidelity are such complicated and painful subjects. I admire your candor on this thread, shy slave.

You describe your fears as "irrational", but to me they are anything but.

Given your prior experience with an unfaithful husband....... given the fact that men, in general, are wired with a Darwinian urge to spread their seed across the planet..... given the fact that beautiful, predatory females exist everywhere...... given the fact that everyone knows an otherwise decent and loyal guy who has been seduced into thinking with the wrong head.....

I'd say your concern is quite rational indeed.

As you said, this has nothing to do with a lack of self esteem. Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, self-confident women in the world have been cheated on by their SOs. Acknowledging the fact that this could happen to you does not mean you are irrational. It means you have a realistic (as opposed to fairy tale) view of the way the world works.

On the other hand, I can understand why an SO would consider overt displays of jealousy to be offputting. If he has been keeping his Darwinian urges in check and working hard to show his love and devotion to his mate, then overt jealousy might be viewed as ungrateful or outright insulting.

The trick, then, is to face reality without letting it alter your behavior or ability to enjoy your relationship.

My personal opinion is that it is very unfair for a guy to "make it clear he does not like any form of jealousy". If this is a shorthand way of referencing certain behavior, that's one thing. But for a guy to expect his mate to adopt a deluded fairy tale view of relationships is another.

Perhaps if he openly acknowledges the source and legitimacy of your concerns, it will help you deal with them.

Alice

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can see not tolerating constant or persistent jealousy, it's just not healthy and there are deeper problems at play, but occasional insecurity and/or jealousy, is a pretty natural human response upon occasion.

Sub/slaves/etc how does your Dom/me handle you at those times. Or is it just something that will get you corrected?

Dom/me's how do you handle your own jealousy or the jealousy of your property? [if it occurs]

He is not a fan of jealousy, and will not tolerate it past a certain point, most often that being unreasonable jealousy. Perhaps why he can tolerate a smidgen at times, and even finds it attractive at those times is because he has also felt it himself and knows its power in the moment. When we first started he said he absolutely would not tolerate it and that it was a bad thing...the usual message..but as we have grown individually and as a couple we have been able to acknowledge and deal with it through honesty, realism, and talking about it, why it exists, if there is foundation for it, and what we can do together to remove it. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it is not my problem or his problem, it is our problem and we both deal with it together. Helps tremendously knowing each of us can not bear the thought of life without the other, and with the exception of death will not allow it to be a possibility.

Catalina

 

[alice_underneath]

The only person for whom i hold any jealousy can be found here.

Was that DVS?!?

 

[FurryFury]

Was that DVS?!?

If so I want to meet him even more!!!

If that's possible.

*chuckles*

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Jealousy and infidelity are such complicated and painful subjects. I admire your candor on this thread, shy slave.

You describe your fears as "irrational", but to me they are anything but.

Given your prior experience with an unfaithful husband....... given the fact that men, in general, are wired with a Darwinian urge to spread their seed across the planet..... given the fact that beautiful, predatory females exist everywhere...... given the fact that everyone knows an otherwise decent and loyal guy who has been seduced into thinking with the wrong head.....

I'd say your concern is quite rational indeed.

As you said, this has nothing to do with a lack of self esteem. Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, self-confident women in the world have been cheated on by their SOs. Acknowledging the fact that this could happen to you does not mean you are irrational. It means you have a realistic (as opposed to fairy tale) view of the way the world works.

On the other hand, I can understand why an SO would consider overt displays of jealousy to be offputting. If he has been keeping his Darwinian urges in check and working hard to show his love and devotion to his mate, then overt jealousy might be viewed as ungrateful or outright insulting.

The trick, then, is to face reality without letting it alter your behavior or ability to enjoy your relationship.

My personal opinion is that it is very unfair for a guy to "make it clear he does not like any form of jealousy". If this is a shorthand way of referencing certain behavior, that's one thing. But for a guy to expect his mate to adopt a deluded fairy tale view of relationships is another.

Perhaps if he openly acknowledges the source and legitimacy of your concerns, it will help you deal with them.

Alice

Thanks Alice

I do see my behaviour as irrational when it comes to jealousy, it has been in the past and has also been since Andante and I met, with regard to one person he is friendly with.
My jealousy sprang from his telling me of conversatins they had had, it all seemd too familiar and I immediately went overboard.

Jealously is not something he has been used to dealing with. It was a difficult time for both of us. Thankfully now resolved.

I don't think he expects me to adopt a fairytale view of things including our relationship (considering I believe in Angels and Spirit your comment made me smile, but I digress..). He does expect me to be open about concerns I have and tell him in a rational way.
Thats actually a tall order fo me, I tend to keep things down then explode in a mess of tears, upset and anger. OTOH When I manage to tell him my concerns I expect him to treat them seriously and not fly off the deep end but listen to me and make comment in a calm way as a means to reassure me. So far, now we have figured all that out, it works.

In an odd twist I am glad he is not a jealous person, I would find that difficult to cope with someone who constantly questioned me about everything.

I don't think I am as bad as that, but he is a better person to comment on it.

I try to be an adult and view things from an adult perspective, I won't take the easier route and blame 'time of the month' or 'my hormones.'
Everyone fears things, i fear his moving on. Yet he has never given me any indication that it could hapen; thus my jealousy is irrational.

It does make the idea of playing with others more complex, whilst fantasy is a fine thing; I can't help but wonder how I would cope if he fucked someone else even if I was there. Would i be jealous? Would it drive me crazy wondering if she was, better, tighter, more pleasing than I was? or would I be able to keep in context of play? I actually don't know the answers to any of those questions.

Incidently Alice I am often candid in posts, i find it too complicated to be anything else lol.

Caitlynne ~ I am glad my ramblings brought up new questions, its an interesting thought; the other side of the coin.

 

[shy slave]

He is not a fan of jealousy, and will not tolerate it past a certain point, most often that being unreasonable jealousy. Perhaps why he can tolerate a smidgen at times, and even finds it attractive at those times is because he has also felt it himself and knows its power in the moment. When we first started he said he absolutely would not tolerate it and that it was a bad thing...the usual message..but as we have grown individually and as a couple we have been able to acknowledge and deal with it through honesty, realism, and talking about it, why it exists, if there is foundation for it, and what we can do together to remove it. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it is not my problem or his problem, it is our problem and we both deal with it together. Helps tremendously knowing each of us can not bear the thought of life without the other, and with the exception of death will not allow it to be a possibility.

Catalina

This makes alot of sense to me, particularly the last line.

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>

Perhaps if he openly acknowledges the source and legitimacy of your concerns, it will help you deal with them.

Alice

I agree. That has helped me a LOT but it wasn't a one time thing. Problems of this nature don't just poof in RL, they have to be worked on and eroded away, little by little.

A guy that gets all mad and says things like, "That's insulting to me! How dare you feel that way." I'm sorry that dude not only isn't helping he's got problems in that area too, in my experience.

Fury

 

[alice_underneath]

Incidently Alice I am often candid in posts, i find it too complicated to be anything else lol.

My personal motto:

"Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said." - Mark Twain



When I said, "I admire your candor on this thread, shy slave", I did not mean to imply that you are insincere in other posts. I simply meant that candor might be more painful on this thread than elsewhere.

Alice

 

[FurryFury]

My personal motto:

"Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said." - Mark Twain



When I said, "I admire your candor on this thread, shy slave", I did not mean to imply that you are insincere in other posts. I simply meant that candor might be more painful on this thread than elsewhere.

Alice

Good motto! I agree with that too. God knows, I'm too fucking dizzy these days to remember a Byzantine web of lies which I was raised to tell. Nope, these days I'm a straight shooter. I like me better this way though it can have it's complications and concerns!

Fury

 

[shy slave]

My personal motto:

"Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said." - Mark Twain



When I said, "I admire your candor on this thread, shy slave", I did not mean to imply that you are insincere in other posts. I simply meant that candor might be more painful on this thread than elsewhere.

Alice

LOL I never read your comment as suggesting I was insincere in other threads.

You worry too much

 

[alice_underneath]

You worry too much

LOL - true!