Does your spouse (or SO) have the right

[Kenny9990]

to "cut off" sex?

I saw this topic on another site and thought it was interesting. Suppose you are married and have a good sex life with your spouse.

Over time (for what ever reason, say age, child birth, illness, etc.) they decide they no longer need or want sex and decide to remain celibate. This forces that decision on you unless you are willing to "go outside the marriage" for sexual relief and comfort.

Personally, I believe each partner in a marriage has an obligation to provide physical and sexual comfort to their partner. If they choose unilaterally to cease having sex, the partners should talk and try to find a mutually satisfactory resolution--maybe couples counseling, better cleanliness, more romance, etc.

If the couple can't find a satifactory solution that works for both partners, I believe the deprived partner have the right to find another sexual partner.

What's your take on this?

 

[Guest]

 

[peachykeen]

Never in all of history has one partner in a marriage decided to cease sexual relations for no reason whatsoever. The cessation of sexual contact is the symptom, not the disease.

If it can't be worked out between the two supposed adults (key word, that), whether through counseling or whatever, then they should make an adult decision together to either a) end the marriage, or b) redefine the terms of the marriage, which may include outside sexual partners, if that is what they both agree to.

To say "well, she/he ain't givin' me none, so's I gots to go get me mines where I can" is the stuff of Jerry Springer shows and is an apalling way for adults (see, there's that word again) to behave.

 

[English Lady]

I think Peachykeen said it all really!

 

[warrior queen]

Never in all of history has one partner in a marriage decided to cease sexual relations for no reason whatsoever. The cessation of sexual contact is the symptom, not the disease.

If it can't be worked out between the two supposed adults (key word, that), whether through counseling or whatever, then they should make an adult decision together to either a) end the marriage, or b) redefine the terms of the marriage, which may include outside sexual partners, if that is what they both agree to.

To say "well, she/he ain't givin' me none, so's I gots to go get me mines where I can" is the stuff of Jerry Springer shows and is an apalling way for adults (see, there's that word again) to behave.

sadly though....... not all people in a relationship where this happens behave like 'adults'.

and then you're left with a situation that often rapidly deteriorates into a spiteful, hurtful, damaging lop-sided relationship, despite one half's efforts to find a fix.

and then you break up.

oh, i soooooooo know this scene.

 

[handlebars69]

to "cut off" sex?

I saw this topic on another site and thought it was interesting. Suppose you are married and have a good sex life with your spouse.

Over time (for what ever reason, say age, child birth, illness, etc.) they decide they no longer need or want sex and decide to remain celibate. This forces that decision on you unless you are willing to "go outside the marriage" for sexual relief and comfort.

Personally, I believe each partner in a marriage has an obligation to provide physical and sexual comfort to their partner. If they choose unilaterally to cease having sex, the partners should talk and try to find a mutually satisfactory resolution--maybe couples counseling, better cleanliness, more romance, etc.

If the couple can't find a satifactory solution that works for both partners, I believe the deprived partner have the right to find another sexual partner.

What's your take on this?

do you love your SO? or is it just for sex?

 

[Mskey]

I can't speak for all married couples but I would like to think that my partner would at least want me to be sexually interested when we make love and not just be fucking him out of some sense of marital duty.
Right now I am sexually off limits due to " say childbirth" not to mention a severe lack of interest. It frustrates my husband to no end but he's not scurrying off to fufill himself elsewhere. Instead he is waiting until a time when we are both on the same page sexually once more so that we can enjoy it together.

I would like to think that a good marriage is based on more then sexual attraction and that if it fades or disappears altogether the relationship would still survive. Last I checked most wedding vows did not include " Love, honor and put out on demand."

 

[Guest]

 

[Mskey]

Sorry mskey, according to kenny, that is not an excuse.


You must have obligated sex with your spouse, even though it is an infection danger and your doc said to wait.


It is an obligation ya know

well I guess doctors don't know everthing huh? and I would so hate to not honor my marital obligations.
Maybe I'll do it in a strand of pearls and high heels while serving him a cold cocktail and cooking a roast. That way all my bases will be covered.

 

[sheath]

Sorry mskey, according to kenny, that is not an excuse.


You must have obligated sex with your spouse, even though it is an infection danger and your doc said to wait.


It is an obligation ya know

Okay...please note Kenny said "decide they no longer need or want sex".

Please point out to me where he said there was a problem with them not being ABLE to have sex.

There is quite a distinctive difference. In what I read, he is discussing a partner's thoughts and ideas changing, not their ability to have sexual relations.

That makes the 'obligation' a moot point.

S.

 

[Guest]

 

[warrior queen]

Ok, physically after having a baby, during a severe illness, you are capable of having sex.


Yes, someone extremely ill with chemo is physically able to have sex.

but never, ever obligated

ok, what about those women, and men!, who with-hold sex for sometimes months and even years?

i personally know several couples where one or the other is no longer having sex, and it's not because they 'can't', it's because they have simply stopped. don't 'feel' like it.

this sort of scenario is definately unfair to the other partner, and yet, it seems to be quite common!?

 

[English Lady]

Also I think Kenny is just putting forward a debate.....I hope he doesn't feel attacked by some of the high emotion responses here!


I think the obligation is to communicate to let each other know what is going on and deal with it mutually in some way.

 

[Mary Hall]

QUOTE]Does your spouse (or SO) have the right to ''cut off'' sex?[/QUOTE]

Yes, it`s their body and they are allowed to say yes or no, forcing them is wrong

 

[warrior queen]

yes, you are right Mary Hall

Yes, it`s their body and they are allowed to say yes or no, forcing them is wrong

...

HOWEVER...

when going into a relationship scenario, it's also sortof 'expected' that both partners will give 'physically' as well as emotionally.
i know i expect that.
after all, my relationships are based on BOTH physical AND emotional support, encouragement and togetherness.

and if one partner stops having sex, AND refuses to work on the issues that lead up to it - then i would consider that to be abuse and manipulation within the relationship.

while i can see that most often, with-holding of sexual 'favours' is a symptom of a much deeper underlying problem(s), i can also see that there are many people who quite simply refuse to work on ANY issues, and just expect their SO to put up with it.

and that makes this a very complex issue.

there's no real 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to participating sexually - unless the communication is also being held back .................... THEN it's wrong.

 

[Missingmeds]

QUOTE]Does your spouse (or SO) have the right to ''cut off'' sex?

Yes, it`s their body and they are allowed to say yes or no, forcing them is wrong [/QUOTE]

But at the same time, forcing a partner to remain sexless is dangerous to the relationship. Everyone has different needs, for some if the intimacy remains they can deal with that. In other cases, they can't.

I think that this is a individual decision as to what to do if it happens to one. Different people are going to make different decisions.

It is up to the one that sex is being withheld from to decide what is right for them. I would urge that they try multiple times to find out why the other partner has decided to stop having sex. Before they do anything else.

 

[Guest]

 

[wicked woman]

So just what is someone supposed to do when their spouse refuses them sex from that point on? (not because they're sick or had a baby etc...just cause they don't want sex any more)

OK they try to talk to their spouse to determine why, what can be done to help the situation, try to get agreeement on alternatives if necessary...but they get no where...the withholding SO doesn't want sex and isn't prepared to talk or do anything about it. Are the options...put up with being celibate....end the relationship....go cheat with someone else (it's cheating cause the SO wouldn't discuss/agree to an open relationship)?

 

[Guest]

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Emerald_eyed
if that is the case....there is a lot more to it then having a baby or being ill.

Yes I know... I was specifically excluding those situations.

 

[Missingmeds]

So just what is someone supposed to do when their spouse refuses them sex from that point on? (not because they're sick or had a baby etc...just cause they don't want sex any more)

OK they try to talk to their spouse to determine why, what can be done to help the situation, try to get agreeement on alternatives if necessary...but they get no where...the withholding SO doesn't want sex and isn't prepared to talk or do anything about it. Are the options...put up with being celibate....end the relationship....go cheat with someone else (it's cheating cause the SO wouldn't discuss/agree to an open relationship)?

wicked woman you got it all. I have seen many men and a few women go thru all this. It is not a pretty thing to watch. The end is always the same for one reason or another....divorce or splitting up.

 

[warrior queen]

wicked woman you got it all. I have seen many men and a few women go thru all this. It is not a pretty thing to watch. The end is always the same for one reason or another....divorce or splitting up.

what i would like to know is - do some people just 'lose' all desire to have sex?

i mean, what is it that can turn a person from wanting sex 5 times a day, to not wanting to be even hugged?

especially if those same people say they are still in love, but just don't want the physical?

how is that possible?

 

[Guest]

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Missingmeds
wicked woman you got it all. I have seen many men and a few women go thru all this. It is not a pretty thing to watch. The end is always the same for one reason or another....divorce or splitting up.

That's what I was afraid of...yes I've seen it too often with my friends as well.

 

[thickspear]

experience can change perceptions, attitudes and desires...our modern romantic ideas of marriage may be responsible for unrealistic expectations..

and according to what i understand sexuality can change throughout one's life

and since people can be psychologically complex..passive aggressive, or just resentful...sexual desires can be sublimated and so forth even beyond ones self awareness...

and it's kind of odd to me...women love romance but no one is more practical with selectimg marriage partners than women..

so i know i'm generalizing..but this may be one of those "unexamined beliefs that some may benefit by examining..

i think if our expectations are realistic there's a more likely chance we'll be less disenchanted with each other...

outside relationships are more accepted in many parts of the world..

and i may be full of shit, but not completely full of shit..and i'm fully expecting to be stoned for this...but then everyone must get stoned sometime...or be a worm perhaps

ciao toots